To resent paying for another birthday party for ds1 when he is never invited to any back?

[lecce]

He will be 8 in a few weeks. He is very excited and very much wants a party. We have done various kinds over the years, and, once party bags, food etc are included, we must spend at least £200 on the party alone. We can afford it (just), but it is a lot to spend on a bunch of kids who never seem to reciprocate.

Ds has been in this school for 3 years, and has been to 4 parties and one playdate in that time. He has had two parties himself, and both were well-attended, but obviously a lot of those children have had parties themselves and not invited him. He says there have been a few parties recently that he thought he may have been invited to but wasn't . He doesn't make a fuss and neither do I, but I feel bad for him. I think he plays football with a lot of older boys, which means he has people to play with, but they are not really his friends, iyswim.

He seems to be reasonably popular - I don't do school runs, but dh says he seems to have friends, goes off to play when they arrive, and ds himself says this is the case, but nothing seems to materialise into invitations to playdates or parties. I work f/t and dh is not the most sociable of people, so maybe that is why. One boy in particular is on ds's table but seems to say mean things to him about smelling (he doesn't), not letting him join in etc. I get the sense that this boy is ultra-competitive and he dominated the day so much at my ds's science party last year, that I struggled to be pleasant to him. Ds makes the odd comment about this stuff, and I have never taken it further because he is never upset, but maybe he should be. I know this makes me seem irrational, but it seems to me that the few boys his age who, on the face of it seem to have a lot in common with him, are just not very nice, and he now plays with older boys at lunchtime so is being increasingly left out with his peers. This may be my over-active imagination, but I have no way of really finding out.

I don't know - ds seems happy enough at school and really wants a party, but I am not relishing the thought of time and money being spent on these children who don't really seem to like my ds much.

AIBU?

How about family friends?

I can totally understand, sad when that happens. Mabey a little party with a few friends.

Can you invite the older children that he enjoys playing with? Perhaps have a football party if that's what they enjoy playing at school.

Also I'd mention to the teacher about the mean DC saying your DS smells. It's bullying and your DS shouldn't have to endure it.

sometimes it's hard to know what to do for the best.

There is a group of mums in both my dc's class who only invite the children of the other mum's know, like or approve of. So if you're never in the playground, you're child is rarely invited to any of their parties .

I found myself with the opposite problem to you in that because I am always in the bloody playground, my ds was being invited to these parties even though he didn't particularly play with this main group of kids.

We broke the pattern a couple of years ago by only inviting the 3 boys ds played with most (at that time) and taking them out somewhere for the afternoon (think bowling and macdonalds). We always have a family party with cousins, cake and candles anyway. He took a bit of convincing the first year but had a great time and we've done it ever since.

Would that be a possible alternative?

I don't know. It's really difficult when you're worried your dcs are being left out. I tend to find it goes in fits and starts with different ages. In my experience, when they are 5 and 6, the party invites are never ending and can be a real nightmare for a while, but as they get older, they do tend to taper off anyway. It tends to be a few close friends. Maybe you could ask him who his 4 closest friends are and invite them. It might give them a chance to get to know each other better too. May be speak to the parents of the children who he wants to come round for a play and try and arrange something with them.

DS2 never get seems to get invited either.
He has chosen 5 people for his party, out of a class of 24.
None of them have responded yet; it is a week away think I will have to chase up - I hope that someone wants to come! DS1 had double the invitations and lots of responses.

Don't spend two hundred quid. How about three friends and go swimming or to the cinema and have something to eat. Try and work out who he really likes. If it's older boys that's fine. And maybe speak to the teacher. You could also think about activities that are good for making friends eg football team?

I considered a football party- recommended numbers are 16-25 and ds struggled to come up with 5/6 he would invite . Even a small party is hard - as the few children he is friends with in his class are so, I don't know, gobby, that I really don't relish the idea of entertaining them at home for a couple of hours. we have a lot on personally atm. In addition, these children seem to be more friends with each other, with ds on the periphery, so it feels like it would be quite an uncomfortable couple of hours.

Our latest idea is to invite two friends to the cinema and then F&Bs, but really not sure about this. The two he has settled on are, again, more each other's friends than his, so I'm not at all sure how this would go.

No family friends with dc the same age as him. we have moved in the last few years and dh, sahd, does not mix easily with local mothers.

I would've more worried about having only one play date in 3 years. You need to start getting him to invite his friends round after school/ weekend.

I would suggest a smaller party doing something fun ( cinema, laser quest) or themed party round yours. Have no idea why whole class parties are even a thing.

The party is for your DS. Give him a party because it'll make him happy. It doesn't need to be big, I think smaller ones are better for building friendships.

Have you hosted a lot of playdates, or is it hard with working FT? It's obviously nice when they are reciprocated but I do them because my DC love having their friends round so much, and I think sometimes getting to know the parents helps with the DC getting invites.

Sorty crossed posts

How about just inviting one friend for a movie and sleepover? Much nicer one to one sometimes.

Small party should be him + 3 as him +2 makes it too easy for him to be left out. I would go for an activity or cinema and a meal out like pizza or F&B.

We have done a few more playdates than he has been to, but he doesn't get invited back and, tbh, they are hard for us as I work f/t and dh has MS. He is not disabled, but gets tired very easily. I am a teacher and in term-times exhausted and very, very stretched. It all seems so hard- like children cannot make friends unless as a parent you are able to organise a steady stream of playdates. Surely we are not the only ones who struggle with this?

Teachers have always said he's fine socially - I get the sense they are not interested unless it's causing them a massive problem, and that pisses me off too.

He does a couple of out-of-school activities, but that never results in friendships either. They do the activity and go. I either don't see the other parents, or they are already in groups themselves and have gone en-masse.

i too would be more worried about the playdates than the parties. my dd is eight and when she was younger parties were every other week. now they have more or less stopped and kids just do something with one or two of their close friends or just family.

I'd invite 3 friends rather than 2, especially if the 2 are v close friends. In my experience 3 rarely works well, 4 is a better number!

So you don't want to have a party even though it will make your ds happy and you don't do play dates cause it's hard work and the few kids he says he does like you don't want him to be around? OK then I think you'll have to stick with him playing football with the big boys.

Could you arrange some play dates over the holidays? Maybe just one or two and see how they go. I am rubbish at arranging play dates myself. My dc do get invited to them, but I am useless at reciprocating and build up a back log. I owe loads! It doesn't mean I don't want to do them, I just don't get round to them. We live near the school and the dc often go to the park together after school anyway. Is that something you could do? Arrange for your ds to meet his friends in the local park for a game of football?

I would have a birthday tea and just invite 3 friends home after school for a special tea/play date. I've done exactly this for DC2 because it IS rude to accept year after year and still not reciprocate. Don't get too stressed about this - it's best to avoid playground politics!

Not everyone needs lots of friends. You say ds is happy, sociable and well liked. He seems well able to manage negative interactions with other kids too and appears to be a very emotionally stable, grounded little boy.

Maybe he just hasn't got the 'best friends' stage yet.

Well mucking about with friends in school time is limited to breaks - otherwise they having lessons which rather limits their playing..
So yes, their friendships do often depend on how much they see of each other out of school. As a rural child I understand that it isn't possible for some families.
It doesn't have to be tiring. At 8 they can go on screens, play lego, make dens out of duvets, have nerf gun fights, draw cartoons etc etc whilst you or your DH sit down with a cuppa. They aren't 4 anymore - they can organise themselves. Perhaps you might need to monitor if they want to go outside but you can limit that to 30 minutes until the clocks change.
He won't be asking for parties (in the sense of party bags and came) for long. Make the most of it.

I think at this age party invites do tend to come more to children whose parents are friends/friendly. It's absolutely the case at my DC's school that children who aren't particularly friendly will go to each other's parties if the parents are friends. I think you and DH maybe need to step-up and make an effort. Or wait it out, because as they get older they choose their own friends regardless of who their parents like!

With regard to the party, I understand why it's annoying, but it's not a give to receive situation. If a party will make DS happy and you can afford it then let him have a party. It shouldn't really depend on whether he gets invited back etc.

On another note, £200 is a crazy amount to spend!! Fine if that's what you want, but you clearly don't so maybe look at cutting costs a bit!

Not many 8 year olds have a BIG party round here. There were a few BIG parties age 5 and 6 but since then most have had a birthday treat with just a small number invited.

I think DS has been to tea for two birthdays in the last year and is off to have a campfire for another at the weekend. Its his birthday next month, he and 1 friend will go spend a day doing something they both like and he will invite 2 or 3 friends for tea.

I would second going with him +3 to the movies and something to eat or cake at home after. By the time he reaches 11 he will be able to sort his own friends. I remember watching my lad bring upset one day as he watched all the kids in his class pile into a few cars outside school one day and he was left out. It's hard but he now is independent and a big circle of lovely friends from secondary school. Try not to worry to much.

It can be the case were if you are not there or keep yourself to yourself your dc doesn't get unvited. I let my dcs choose who they want.

Have you thought about changing schools, it doesn't sound like the best set up for him?

And no i wouldnt have a party but a special day out instead, maybe with one friend.