To resent paying for another birthday party for ds1 when he is never invited to any back?

[lecce]

He will be 8 in a few weeks. He is very excited and very much wants a party. We have done various kinds over the years, and, once party bags, food etc are included, we must spend at least £200 on the party alone. We can afford it (just), but it is a lot to spend on a bunch of kids who never seem to reciprocate.

Ds has been in this school for 3 years, and has been to 4 parties and one playdate in that time. He has had two parties himself, and both were well-attended, but obviously a lot of those children have had parties themselves and not invited him. He says there have been a few parties recently that he thought he may have been invited to but wasn't . He doesn't make a fuss and neither do I, but I feel bad for him. I think he plays football with a lot of older boys, which means he has people to play with, but they are not really his friends, iyswim.

He seems to be reasonably popular - I don't do school runs, but dh says he seems to have friends, goes off to play when they arrive, and ds himself says this is the case, but nothing seems to materialise into invitations to playdates or parties. I work f/t and dh is not the most sociable of people, so maybe that is why. One boy in particular is on ds's table but seems to say mean things to him about smelling (he doesn't), not letting him join in etc. I get the sense that this boy is ultra-competitive and he dominated the day so much at my ds's science party last year, that I struggled to be pleasant to him. Ds makes the odd comment about this stuff, and I have never taken it further because he is never upset, but maybe he should be. I know this makes me seem irrational, but it seems to me that the few boys his age who, on the face of it seem to have a lot in common with him, are just not very nice, and he now plays with older boys at lunchtime so is being increasingly left out with his peers. This may be my over-active imagination, but I have no way of really finding out.

I don't know - ds seems happy enough at school and really wants a party, but I am not relishing the thought of time and money being spent on these children who don't really seem to like my ds much.

AIBU?

I'd look at this from a different angle. Your DS wants this party and is very excited by the prospect of it, maybe I'm just soft but if that's what he wants then that's what I'd do. If the cost is the issue then give him the option of big party small present or vice versa.
DS is an only and sometimes I feel I'm doing a lot of the inviting over but then it makes him happy and that's what matters not some tally sheet about who has done what.

We started doing sleepovers at his age for the very same reason. Always the hosts never had it reciprocated and it pissed me off. So 2 close friends for a night in it is and it works.

I agree about the playdates. I know its hard but can be a great way to develop friendships!! Also as you area teacher, you could do one or two in the holidays?

My dd2 10 has asked to have 2 friends to skeep this week, inside im groaning as im exhausted (poss post viral), dh works f/t, long hours and i have 3 other dcs, youngest is 2, but if it helps her and she enjoys it, then i will agree.

It is hard when the invitations are not reciprocated but I think all you can do is focus on doing them for your DS's enjoyment, not to get a return date. And I'm struggling a bit with you giving reasons why you don't want to do him a party and why it's so hard to do playdates, but OTOH you are expecting others to invite him to both. I don't have MS so I know it's no comparison but I find it knackering to look after other people's children after a long day at work myself. The only reason I do it is that my DC love having their friends over. Reciprocity is nice, and I hope the visiting child enjoys it but TBH my motivation is making my own DCs' day.

I think that it's possible for a child to be well liked and happy without often making the 'party' cut, especially now in Y3 when the parties are getting much smaller. I know a couple of people in this position because their DS plays a lot with girls, and these girls or their parents don't always think of, or want to, invite boys to their parties. It does cause some angst to the DSs but I think all you can do is reassure, try to build bridges where you can, and don't take offence as that will just cut you/him off further.

Some kids need one or two close friends and some are popular with everyone but not close to anyone in particular. The latter could be your ds. He might be perfectly happy playing football with the older kids. You have said he seems to get on with the other kids too. As long as he isn't worried then you shouldn't be either. Sometimes we project our own anxieties on our kids.
Invite +3 friends. Have a sleepover and bowling or something. Cinema is limited interaction and isn't conduicive to getting to know the other kids better.

I would have 3 or 5 friends for the day and take them bowling /cinema and McDonald's, keep it simple. You need to get to know his friends and their parents really. I know that you work , but maybe have a friend to play every other Saturday , or once a month?

You don't have to organise a steady stream of playdates - but, you do have to organise some. As tired and busy as you are, thats just the way it is. Sometimes our DCs need help building their social lives, and its parents' role to help with that. You may find you need to show your face at the school sometimes, get a little beyond the "hi" stage with 1 or 2 parents.

When my DDs were in primary school I worked f/t for a bit. I wasn't into the whole playdates, or "mum can so n so come round for tea on Saturday", or "can we go to cinema with Emma's mum this week then next time its your turn" thing at all. I felt it ate into my time, and it all irritated me as I could always find other things to do. I very quickly changed from that mindset as it eventually dawned on me that it wasn't all about me and my needs/time at all. It was about my DCs forming friendships. & we all need friends.

Playdates are more of a way of solidifying friendships than once a year parties

Do get the bullying sorted out - it can't be just left if its already been going on for a while. "I've never taken it further as DS doesn't seem bothered" is not on. The fact he has mentioned it to you more than once is enough for you to probe a bit further, and the comments are very unpleasant.

I don't think YABU in not wanting to pay for another party, at all. But I do think YABU in terms of lack of effort re. your DS' school and social life.

I think YABU to resent paying out a lot for a party because your ds hasn't been invited back to many. You should make the decision on if he has a big or expensive party, based on what sort of party he'd like to have (within the limits to give him), not on if it means he's going to be invited somewhere.
IME, by the time the dc move out of the Infants, the parties or birthday celebrations tend to get much smaller anyway.
I do agree with those who say that I'm not sure why you are worrying, if ds is happy. My dc "do friendships" in different ways - not all people have a particular close friend or close friends. some people find it easy to join in something going on - like your son does with the football with the older pupils - which others would find incredibly difficult to do. Why not celebrate the positives ?

The reciprocal act for coming to a party is bringing a birthday present, not inviting the party child to your own party. The money you spent on the parties you have given were to buy that event, and the enjoyment your child got out of being the centre of attention for that event, not buying a ticket for eventual future parties.

Sorry but YABU. If you want to give a party, you give a party. If you don't want to, don't. But don't resent others for their choices about who they invite.

I would definitely speak to the teacher about the boy calling your son smelly in case you have become noseblind to it

My DS never got invited to a party the whole time he was at primary school I felt so sad for him and couldn't understand why.

As at a teacher, definitely get him to invite a friend round for a few hours or most of the day during the holidays. They can mostly entertain themselves, and will get to know each other much better than in 1 or 2 hours after school.

YANBU op, the hurt is still very raw for me and my dd is now 14yrs old. Dd went to 2 primary schools (we moved when she was 9). At the first school she was invited by the same two children every year and at the second school she had two invites over the whole time she attended. There were only 9 girls in her her class at second school. Despite this we gave her the parties of her dreams and it made her very happy. Very small community and I know the other girls had parties and dd was the only one not invited. This was the same for play dates. I was told she was not bullied at school but by year five she was aware of what was happening and yes it hurt her too that despite having children round for play dates it never led to anything more. We moved area when dd started secondary school and dd has never looked back, now has sleep overs and small going go carting, shopping trips, cinema type invites.
I don't regret giving dd the parties that we gave her. I would say do for ds what will make him happy. Be selfish about do what makes your son enjoy his childhood. Don't give a fig about these parents who feel it is ok to constantly take and not reciprocate you deffo hold the moral high ground. Smile benignly at them and let your ds enjoy his day.

OP you are a teacher so you know how it goes. Popular child is a bully and decides who can be in his inner circle and who they are allowed to play with and invite to parties. I bet his mum is big on the PTA.
Your son has been identified as 'different' because he has a sahd and you are never seen. Popular's mum judges your dh and treats him with suspicion.
If he wants a party go down the three friends and cinema, bowling, swimming ect ideas. Don't invite Popular. I know it's tough for your DH but do try and do the occasional play date during term time.

I agree that small parties are the way to ho now. the invited. children will feel more like a friendship group than a classi also think you need to give play dates in order to receive!!

Agree with many posters re having play dates. Am a bit taken aback at your ' we're all so tired' attitude. Am even more unimpressed with your attitude that the bullying doesn't seem to bother your ds so you've done nothing about it.

I wonder if your ds has realised he's quite far down in terms of his importance como a red to your job, your dhs illness etc. I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't complain get upset because he knows there's no pt.

You also sound quite unpleasant about your ds 's friends... perhaps this attitude comes across to them and their parents.

I think you ready need to start putting your son's needs and worries first.

como a red? compared

I agree with what others are saying here. Sometimes you need to get involved and help your child along.
I actually hate play dates myself but I realise my kids need them so I let my dcs invite their friends over.
Sometimes it's in very short notice. I always keep pizzas and fish fingers in the freezer for this!
As for birthday parties, I'm a bit slack with those too so I just let them invite friends over and have bouncy castle in the garden.
Let your ds have his party and have play dates. Even if he doesn't get invited back because it will probably help him at school.
I also think that the reason he may not be invited back is more to do with the mums not knowing you.

I think it's easy to become obsessed concerned about our DC's social lives. Not that this has ever happened to me, oh no

DD is an only and other girls absolutely love coming to our house but it's rarely reciprocated because, like you OP, their parents can't be bothered. I no longer care; if DD's happy then I'm happy.

So we have play dates and the occasional sleepover and sometimes invite a friend along for a day out and I have a happy daughter and her friends have fun. I'm bone idle so the most I do is shove a pizza in the oven for tea!

Yes, like it or not, it's the organizing of play dates, and making small talk to the parents that breaks through into party invitations, etc.

It's difficult when you work. I work 4 days a week and so only have one day when I do pick-ups at the end of the day (I do drop-offs every day, but no-one has time to chat then). This is the opportunity to chat with other parents.

You do have to do the play date thing, if you want to see a difference. I understand that it's tiring. But maybe allocate one day a week for play dates - that leaves 4 free days + the weekend when you're not hosting, which isn't so bad.

I completely disagree with some people's insistence that you must get into the whole play dates crap. You are doing perfectly ok with your DS and if he is happy there may not be a problem. You may also be surprised how many children don't actually have parties - there is just the assumption that everyone does. In a few years he'll be organising his own social life anyway. Don't listen to the critics - SAHMs will often put WOHMs down like this.

Ok, thank you for all the comments.

Firstly, we have actually given more playdates than we have received. We do offer them, but some have been turned down - not entirely sure why because of my lack of contact with the school, but ds has mentioned people being 'busy'. however, we continue to offer now and then and last held one a few weeks ago, which seemed to go well. It's all very well saying I need to 'show my face' at school, but how can I when I'm 16 miles away in my own school ?

MinceSpy Your comments are interesting - disdainful is exactly the word dh has used to describe the way two of these mums are with him. He says even after we have had playdates with these children, their mothers pointedly blank him in the playground. We went to one of their parties and ended up at the pay and display machine together - she tried her hardest to blank us there, even though she obviously knew we were paying to go to her son's party! Dh takes ds to cricket clubs with one of the dads and the ds - again, he reports being blanked and says he is not going to make an effort any more. Interestingly, I have recently realised one of these mothers is indeed on the PTA and her son dominates every nativity and class assembly.

I do realise I sounded a bit mean about the other dc - was trying to be brief and had had . However, it is a bit wearing when you have a child round and they are very, I don't know, full on, sometimes at the expense of your own son. However, I do realise they are only children and it is our responsibility to teach our son how to deal with this. He is always praised by teachers for being 'quietly confident' and 'lovely' and despite being 'very clever' not a show off or cross with others who are not so. I have since wondered if this last comment was a veiled comment about the other boy. I challenge any parent at that science party with this boy to not have been irritated by him. My best friend was sitting on her hands . However, he is a child, I know that, and I certainly don't want to bitch about him.

I think we should be more pro-active, but it is very, very hard and I really don't want anyone to think we are lazy or keeping some kind of small-minded tally, because it's really nit like that. ds2, who has been at the school since YR, has a much better time of it. I think I will also speak to the teacher about the bullying. I haven't so far, because ds has never told me this stuff in an upset way, and only when I have been actively asking him about his friendships. There have only been a handful of comments over the 3 years and some are from this boy but not directed at ds but at others, so I have hesitated.

I do wonder what people do about this stuff when both parents are working til 6ish - there are lots of peope like this, surely.

For all those saying that a small party is the way to go - DS age 9 is having all the boys from his class and some additional friends to his party and we did the same for his 8th birthday - some brave parents are still doing full party invites including girls as well and these tend to be swimming ones where the price is the same no matter how many attends.

I think it's sad if the DS has his heart set on a big party and the parents can afford it, that he can't get that because of issues the OP has with other parents not reciprocating, or by trying to make it into a springboard for playdates by making it smaller. After all he is going to be 8 so this is likely to be the last big one he wants to have.

Also a party is a good opportunity to interact with other parents, get their telephone numbers if it's a drop off and that way you can text them for future play dates. Like I say, DS is an only so it is perhaps more fundamental for me than for other families who have siblings to entertain each other, but gradually over a period of time, the reciprocal invites started coming in

Re the bullying incident, you and/or your DH need to be all over that. We were in touch with them over much less - DS has a pal that was very boisterous to the point where DS was getting hurt, DH asked the teacher to keep an eye on it and ultimately separate them at their table, and now they are good pals and it ihas blown over, but there is so much for teachers to attend to on a daily basis (as I am sure you will know) that sometimes if it's low level, they need parents to bring it to their attention.

Lecce sadly stay at home/single dads seem to be treated with suspicion in the playground by mothers.

Oops sorry x-posted.

It does sound as if some of the parents struggle with your DH being the main carer in terms of knowing how to interract with him. I'd encourage both of you to try not to think about being blanked or get worked up about alleged playground politics and keep on waving and saying a cheery hello to all the parents that you meet - I used to turn it into a game with a particularly surly man at work, in the end he used to say hello to me every day, turned out he was socially shy.

At the end of the day if your DS is generally happy, then that's the main thing. I'd still speak to the school and ask about his friendship groups etc. as it will hopefully give you some reassurance, and why not ask your DS what party he wants - big one ( small present) or small one with some close friends. If he says he wants the big one, then personally I would respect his wishes.