To resent paying for another birthday party for ds1 when he is never invited to any back?

[lecce]

He will be 8 in a few weeks. He is very excited and very much wants a party. We have done various kinds over the years, and, once party bags, food etc are included, we must spend at least £200 on the party alone. We can afford it (just), but it is a lot to spend on a bunch of kids who never seem to reciprocate.

Ds has been in this school for 3 years, and has been to 4 parties and one playdate in that time. He has had two parties himself, and both were well-attended, but obviously a lot of those children have had parties themselves and not invited him. He says there have been a few parties recently that he thought he may have been invited to but wasn't . He doesn't make a fuss and neither do I, but I feel bad for him. I think he plays football with a lot of older boys, which means he has people to play with, but they are not really his friends, iyswim.

He seems to be reasonably popular - I don't do school runs, but dh says he seems to have friends, goes off to play when they arrive, and ds himself says this is the case, but nothing seems to materialise into invitations to playdates or parties. I work f/t and dh is not the most sociable of people, so maybe that is why. One boy in particular is on ds's table but seems to say mean things to him about smelling (he doesn't), not letting him join in etc. I get the sense that this boy is ultra-competitive and he dominated the day so much at my ds's science party last year, that I struggled to be pleasant to him. Ds makes the odd comment about this stuff, and I have never taken it further because he is never upset, but maybe he should be. I know this makes me seem irrational, but it seems to me that the few boys his age who, on the face of it seem to have a lot in common with him, are just not very nice, and he now plays with older boys at lunchtime so is being increasingly left out with his peers. This may be my over-active imagination, but I have no way of really finding out.

I don't know - ds seems happy enough at school and really wants a party, but I am not relishing the thought of time and money being spent on these children who don't really seem to like my ds much.

AIBU?

I was the working parent last year, on mat leave currently . However there is certainly more of a working parent (mum) culture at our school so parties were treated seriously and parents stayed at them, I got to know many parents like once I realised I was obligated to stay !!

Normally I organise a couple of play dates a month, after school, convient for the other working parent to pick up.

Don't get me wrong I hate organising these and parties but it is important to them and as ds only joined the school a year ago I made a massive effort to organise things and keep in touch with othe parents, some are distant some are more friendly, everyone is busy, so I don't take it personally when children can't come to play dates or it doesn't work out. And I dont always like the children I invite but they're little kids (7) and I guess your own kids are nicer anyway !!

However I have never encountered out and out rudeness like you, I would really try to put the effort in with the teacher and start voicing your concerns on a more regular basis, who does he play with get on with? And then try to reach out to that parent specifically, usually boys are better one to one, even for the party I would really only invite 3-4.

Good luck !!

We have the opposite problem. Dd gets plenty of invites yet for her parties we always get less than half the people she invited.

Yes school holidays are a good time to do things. We have DS's pal coming today and are going out with some other friends, then tomorrow another friend coming, then holiday club for a few days, then trampolining on Friday which I have organised with another friend.

It does seem as if I do a lot of the arranging, but am happy to ask for favours back which allowed us to go away for a night recently as a couple . Families generally are busy so I will invite a child 3 times and if I'm still getting refusals without suggestions of another date - as has happened once- then I give up. It's important to try and remember that it's about DS not about me and not to take it personally - in the case with the continued refusal, it took a bit of time for the penny to drop with me, I think it's because I let them play minecraft more than she would, so fine different parenting styles, no biggie, still say hello when we pass and have a chat about stuff.

My DS is a year younger than yours. He never asks for anything material, all he ever wants for his birthday is a bog party. He isn't, and never has been bothered by presented, he just wants all of his class and some more on top, to come to a party with entertainment and party food and cake.

I would let your son have a party. And ask more people. Why not start with, say, all the boys in his class, and all the boys he plays football with?By making it less about picking and choosing who comes, it becomes bigger than that.

Pizza hut do a create your own pizza party for about £8 each-min 8 people. I got paperback books for the goody bags (they give you the bags and invites free) and put cake and haribo in.
They get salad, squash, pizza and ice cream for their party,it's about 2 hours and no mess for you to clear up.

I would not worry about recipracation on play dates, dd3 has a friend over loads, shes been to her house once. Im not sure why but dd happy im happy.

I'm having a similar dilemma with my Ds2 who turns 7 soon. He never gets invited to any parties. His one friend has a birthday which is always in school holidays so never does anything. DS talks about several children at school and he has invited them to all his past parties and not a single one of them has invited him back. Not one.

He is already talking about his party this year and I am torn between not wanting to spend money on the little meanies who don't include my son, and wanting my son to be happy and have the party he wants...

We have a few family friends so I think I will suggest a small tea party and tell him he can have a present worth more.

I have been in the same situation as you and I am a sahm! I know what you mean about some of the boys being difficult. I think you are trying to protect your ds. Talk to his teacher about the unpleasant boy . How about spending the £200 on a trip to a theme park?in this situation it is a worry that none of the kids come because you are not in the in crowd, never mind your ds!

Agree with everyone else that you do have to do the odd play date if you want your child invited to other people's. It is so hard to fit them in but f/t parents at dd's school do sleepovers or weekend/holdiday outings if they can't do after school.

I work from home - f/t some weeks, p/to other weeks, and I often work at weekends. I do more play dates when I'm less busy or sometimes take a kid to sat am cinema if I'm really manic. You just have to fit it in.

I so know how you feel.
My DS is also going to be 8 fairly soon. Partly because he is rarely invited back I managed to persuade him to have a small party at home with 4 friends this year.
He seems to struggle to make good friends. He is not into football at all so doesn't fit in with the boys at school. His 2 main friends are girls.
We went crazy in reception with playdates but these tailed off. I find they aren't reciprocated.
But my son is very happy which is the most important thing. He is close to his brother, so never short of someone to play with!

How about spending the £200 on a trip to a theme park? - but why would you do that spanky2? It costs the same as the party which the OP's DS wants, why not just give him what he wants if you end up spending the same amount of money anyway.

The DS is not unhappy about the lack of playdates. He appears to have friends in the playground and is not complaining about being lonely. This is projection from the OP and her DH because the other parents have not acted as you would expect in a normal social situation.

I agree it's odd and must be slightly hurtful to have everyone for a party and not have it reciprocated, but the playdates are a hit and miss thing and if I have invited a DC over and they seemed to enjoy themselves, sometimes I will push the issue by texting the mum to ask if it would be ok if DS goes to theres as I need to do x, y & z. They can say no if they want but seldom do.

However the fact remains that the DS seems happy enough and a big party is what he would like to have, so why not just do that and as I have said above, use it as an occasion to chat to the other parents and build up some acquaintances.

Does he want a big party though Rookie? OP said he'd struggle to come up with more than 5/6 people he actually wants there, which is why she's not doing the football party.

Wanting a party is not necessarily wanting a big party. As lots of posters have said, smaller parties can be better especially if there are only 5/6 people DS wants.

In the opening post OP says "ds seems happy enough at school and really wants a party".
Maybe he would be happy with a smaller party, it is indeed worth posing the question, but if he is anything like my DS then what he wants is a big bunch of boys there and a huge cake and a fuss made of his birthday.

I guess the point I'm trying to make is that the OP shouldn't let her natural resentment of other parents not reciprocating, impinge on what her DS most wants to do for his birthday.

My DS wants a party- it's all big talk to him, but when you ask him who he wants to invite we seem to end up with about 12 names.
With that sort of figure I am fairly happy to splurge on the venue and curb on the numbers. He is still in the infants though.
My mum always insisted I invited everyone to my party, she never wanted a child left out, even the really mean ones if I am honest I really didn't like that...I know why she did it- she saw the bigger picture of their lives, and it wasn't PTA parents but other stuff going on. I have learned from that as an adult but would still rather not invite children my child doesn't want there, so if he wants them all let him have them all if not use his scaled down numbers to give a party that he really wants.