to not thank DH when he does the laundry?

[lottytheladybird]

My DS does the laundry once a week or two, just when he has time. I don't always thank him, as I do 95% of the lanudry in our house (with a 2 & 4 year old), and he rarely thanks me when I do the laundry. I don't mind that he doesn't thank me. I don't expect a thank you, but DS doesn't like it if he doesn't get a thank you when he does the laundry. But then why should he get a thank you when he does it, but not when I do it? AIBU not to feel like thanking him?

I always end up thanking DP even though I really don't want to.

Its like he thinks all the chores are my job and I am so so very lucky that I have him to help me out with them occasionally.

lotty I suggest you stop doing any of his washing then. Clothes and towels. Sod him if he thinks it's your duty!

Red it's not like he thinks the chores are your job, he definitely thinks they are your job.

I'd just like to add, though, that my DH often gives me a run down of the chores he has done on the day I'm at work and he is at home. I don't think he wants a round of applause ...

I think (but cannot know) that many marriages involve each person taking on certain chores as theirs - laundry, washing up, changing light bulbs, mowing the lawn, cooking meals etc.

If a wife does a chore that her husband would normally do, she shouldn't expect to be thanked but it would be nice if she was. Similarly, if a husband does a chore that his wife would normally do, it would be nice he was thanked also.

It's all about straying from routine and taking on more than normal. I think this is worth gratitude but can see why others disagree.

I thank DH if he picks up a job that I got half way through before getting distracted, e.g. put some washing on, but was busy with the dc when it finished, DH will put it out. And he'll thank me for vice versa. But neither of us thanks each other for doing standard jobs as and when they need doing.

We say thank you to each other, as it's nice to feel appreciated and we've both been taken for granted by previous partners in the past. It's a way of recognising a bit of teamwork/both of us doing stuff?

I'd be pissed off at never getting any thanks but being expected to thank the other person. That shows they believe it's your job to do, and that they have 'helped' you. Sod that for a game of soldiers.

Next time he does something and angles for a thank you, ask him straight out, when did you last thank me for doing it.

We've had a row about this.

He says he doesn't want thanks. Yet he stands there after announcing what he's done.

OH is a bit like this, whereas Im not focused on whether I get a thank you or not, I just get on with things. I do say thank you to him, as I know it matters to him. We're just different, some people need more praise than others it isnt definetely or necessarily a gender thing. I cba to get into anything about it so I just say the 2 words...there's stuff I know Im unreasonable about, so it balances out - ie cleaning behiind cooker, anything that involves shifting heavy stuff Im not interested in, also putting out rubbish etc so OH does it. Doesn't mean I can't - I just don't want to. 50/50 reasonableness is nigh on impossible in day-to-day relationship life..but whats important to you must always be addressed. So, whilst I don't think YABU, I don't think your DH is massively out of order either in the scheme of life. I wouldn't go in all guns blazing on something like this, life's too short. Find a middle ground...

cosmic I did stop doing his ironing a few months back, but then a couple of weeks ago, DH found he didn't have an ironed shirt before work. So he proceeded to iron one. The squirty function on our iron wasn't working, but otherwise it was fine. This upset him so much that he slammed the hot iron into the ironing board a good few times, which broke the ironing board. DH then shouted and swore at me, whilst my parents were staying with us (how humiliating). I then had to take the ironing board to the tip and buy a new iron and ironing board. I then started ironing all his shirts again. They once again magically appeared ironed and hung back in his wardrobe. Did he notice in the few weeks I've been doing his ironing again? Nope. Therefore no thanks received.

lotty, that was very bloody wankish of him! I am sure he has many redeeming features, but that would result in a massive row in our house. Massive. I can't see how you are able to not say something. I know you may not want to rock the boat, but you don't have to do his ironing just because he is an arse at you. You don't have to do anything at all for him.

It looks to me like most posters here are happy to do stuff, as long as they don't feel taken for granted, which is where I stand too.

Dh never puts washing on but then again I'd rather poke my eyes out than do boys jobs diy gardening bins outside windows etc ... If he ever does anything unexpected i always say thank you. I always supervise gardening from the safety of the patio with a glass of wine.

The iron thing was totally out of order. I'd have taken all his shirts to the tip with the iron and the board! Was that a one off, or does he have form for acting so aggressively? Did he apologise?

My DH needs work shirts ironed each week. He does them himself. We have previously had many, many arguments about division of labour, and the use of phrases such as "helping me out". He also used to do the listing things he'd done. I used to list things I'd done back, or ask him if he wanted a chufty badge. We've sorted it out now, he pulls his weight, and I rant less. :)

mango DH has broken the odd thing in aggression in the past, but it's nothing to worry about. He did apologise, but I think an apology is so easy. What about all the hurt and humiliation he caused me? Anyway, that was a couple of weeks ago and it's all forgotten by DH now.

Do you want to stay married to such a man?

Next time what will he slam the iron against? But he won't, will he, because you are now ironing his shirts and too scared to say or do anything.

What has he broken in the past?
In anger at what?

I was going to say that only if he always thanks you for doing 'his' laundry. No, YANBU - I bet he always does it 'for you' as well.

I think its reasonable to give and expect thanks. I cannot be thanked for everything I do in the home, it would get ridiculous; but neither do I thank DH for earning a day's wage everyday. I am thanked when I do something directly for him ie for making dinner or if I do something additional to my normal routine i.e. his dry cleaning. Therefore I would thank DH for doing laundry. If you don't show appreciation for what he does do, it is unlikely that he'll apply himself to do more.

Wow, you started ironing his shirts again after that behaviour?

Doesn't that just reinforce his idea that he can get his own way by being a bully?

Good grief, breaking things in anger certainly is something to worry about. It is sending a message to you that he is either unable to effectively control his behaviour, or chooses to use his aggression to unnerve you.

No, no, no! Don't iron his shirts after that bullying behaviour. He sounds like a complete dick. What did your parents say and do? Mine would have helped me pack his bags full of all his unironed shirts.

fairenuff I know it does, but DH said he's stressed, so I've been doing them for him again...

cosmic My parents didn't do anything - just stayed out of it really.

My DH irons 5 shirts on a Sunday night. We have an emergency one ironed in the wardrobe.

thwacked

Good word.

Saying thank you and being thanked are both nice, though I do like the occasional sarcastic "congratulations" when DW does something nice / helpful and might be fishing for a compliment. She's great though, takes it in the spirit it's intended. Mostly

I SAHM with 3 DC, one in school, two not. DH works a 50ish hour week (all this for some context!). He does (washes, hangs, irons) his own shirts and work trousers. I did them because he was crap at it but when pregnant with #3 declared my feet were balloons and my hands were numb so he took over the ironing and the rest at that point. He does his shirts every second Sunday (has enough to last 2 weeks). I do all the other laundry for us all, about ten loads a week.

I thank him if he does any of "my" bit - he will swap laundry into the dryer if he sees it sitting etc.

He thanks me for everything I do! Well not everything, but anything I mention or he notices spontaneously.

OP your DH's show of childish aggression was unacceptable. In this house it would have been him that was humiliated, and I can't believe your parents "kept out of it" - my dad would've sharpened his axe!

Start prompting him too. When you do the laundry tell him about it in the same way that he tells you, and do the face if you don't get a thank you.

I suspect your parents are wishing you to leave the twat.

Does his stress affect any other aspect of the relationship?
You haven't said what else he broke as well and in what circumstances. Was it recent?

Sorry if I'm pushing it a bit, but that incident was not a one off, according to you, and it sounded like you were minimising his violent outbursts.