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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you can't contribute to your childs upbringing...

67 replies

Meeeep · 15/02/2015 17:47

Your girlfriend shouldn't be posting expensive gifts from you on FB.

First off I wasn't snooping, a mutual friend liked the public post so it appeared on my newsfeed.

Ex has never contributed a penny to DDs upbring, has given CMS the run around for over a year and on Friday I got a phonecall saying he is now on benefits so might receive the minimum payment for DD at some point. So if someone can't afford to contribute to their only child I can't help but wonder how much the dozen red roses, necklace and tickets to an expensive concert cost and how he can afford that.

It makes me sad that this is more important than actually helping to raise his daughter. He has proved time and time again that he has no interest in any way shape of form in DD and doesn't see her but it still stings abit when his priorities are there in black and white.

Although it has been 3.5 years and I am very happy with our life and we manage just fine by ourselves this still pisses me off little bit.

There is nothing I can or care to do about it I'm just posting for a little rant really.

OP posts:
fairgame · 15/02/2015 17:49

YANBU. Equally if you can't afford to pay child support then you shouldn't be proposing to you're girlfriend in dubai. Then when confronted you shouldnt then tell me that you cannot afford child support now because you have a wedding to pay for.
This was a few years ago and he does now pay child support. However he hasn't seen DS since new year because he is too busy meeting new women off POF.

Original poster
Meeeep · 15/02/2015 18:01

Wow that is certainly one of the worst excuses I've ever heard Shock

It's sad when parents don't/won't prioritise their children. I will never understand it.

OP posts:
Amy106 · 15/02/2015 18:06

YANBU at all. I am Shock on your behalf.

fairgame · 15/02/2015 18:07

Ex dp is one of a kind. He's a good dad when he's around but he has ishoos. He is unable to manage different aspects of his life at the same time and tends to just cut us off. He can't manage to stay friends with me if we are not together, its very very odd. DS has special needs and i do wonder if ex has something because he has lots of very weird traits and quirks.

It does hurt though when parents just walk away without a care in the world. The only thing you can do is make the best of what you've got. As my Mum always says Karma will come and kick them up the arse eventually.

gamerchick · 15/02/2015 18:08

Mine won't pay either. Apparently my husband took us on so he can pay.

He chuckles when he says that Hmm

It bites them in the arse eventually. We reap what we sow with our kids and all too soon they grow up and make their own mind up.

afreshstartplease · 15/02/2015 18:08

YANBU

Personally I am amazed that someone who can't contribute towards their dcs upbringing can afford three or four nights out per week!

StockingFullOfCoal · 15/02/2015 18:09

You shouldn't refuse to pay maintenance because you need the money to take your student gifriend abroad for a fortnight for her birthday. Especially when you live with your parents pay them nothing and eark 30k.

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 15/02/2015 18:12

YANBU. .. no wonder you want to rant - and better to do it here than on fb, where it could turn nasty. I assume girlfriends in that position don't realise the waste of space they are receiving gifts from has a child they don't support, or they'd run a mile...

YeahDamon · 15/02/2015 18:13

Pays £19 a week.

Bought his wife a Porsche for her birthday. Posted it all over her very public fb and twitter.

It's a shit Porsche, and my modest family car is worth more, but even so. Have some fucking CLASS.

IHaveBrilloHair · 15/02/2015 18:17

It's not that he cant, he won't because he doesn't want to.
I recently asked my ex to get dd an Australian passport, he is Australian, easy for him to do, I offerred to pay all costs, he hasn't done it, and he won't, because he's a shit, it's that simple.
I just can't be angry or bitter, because he's laughable.

Original poster
Meeeep · 15/02/2015 18:18

Do you know what else I will never understand. The women who stand by them knowing full well that they do nothing for their children. Especially when they have children themselves. I couldn't ever be with a man I didn't respect and a man who shirks their responsibilty to their children is not someone I would ever be able to have even a morsel of respect for.

OP posts:
Original poster
Meeeep · 15/02/2015 18:21

Oh MrTumble, I expect that some possibly don't but I know that my Ex's girlfriend does know since he has been served court papers in her place of work, twice.

Once it was because he was refusing to sign for our divorce papers via recorded delivery so they had to serve him in person and second was a liability order. Funnily enough a couple of weeks later he is on benefits. A way to stop them investigating what he is actually doing to support himself given he wasn't paying any tax but not receiving any benefit (working for his girlfriend cash in hand!)

OP posts:
squoosh · 15/02/2015 18:23

Yes. How would any woman choose to be with a man they know is doing all he can to avoid supporting his child??

Your ex sounds like a shit. I can't understand how a parent can seemingly feel no love or sense of responsibility to their own offspring. It's truly baffling.

HermioneWeasley · 15/02/2015 18:24

My friends exH is like this. Pays not a penny for any of his kids but always posting about being out for dinner. He's a massive cunt and I am keeping notes to tell their DD when she's older.

littlejessie · 15/02/2015 18:24

YANBU.

DD's sperm donor has never personally paid a penny towards her, and in fact goes to great lengths to avoid doing so. Two years ago I started getting £5 per week from his benefits payment (absolutely no problem with people being on benefits but he has actually CHOSEN this to get a free house/gym membership due to drug ishoos), and now works as well! So as well as benefit income he also has substantial undeclared earnings.

He is a scumbag of the highest order who believes the rest of us owe him some kind of elevated social status and is very bitter he's not more important than he is.

Worst of all the DWP don't seem to give a hoot and the CSA are powerless to do anything about it. I know it's bad of me but I would dearly love to see him trip up as he has played the system like this for years.

He also has another child he has never even clapped eyes on.

littlejessie · 15/02/2015 18:27

Got so carried away there I missed the point!!

He is constantly buying himself things like cashmere jumpers and flash ski jackets, and taking himself for sunbeds!

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 15/02/2015 18:34

Shock [Meeep]

I know there are people who take those losers on really, but you'd think they'd run a mile. Must have no self respect ... why would someone knowingly be with a man like that? They must know he'll do it to them too?

IHaveBrilloHair · 15/02/2015 18:35

littlejessie
He wears ski jackets and goes for sunbeds.

TheFecklessFairy · 15/02/2015 18:38

Got to say: I would far rather have no financial support and no involvement from the bio father if he's not interested, than have financial support and be hassled by him constantly. Because that's what twats do - they cause as many problems as they can.

roughtyping · 15/02/2015 18:44

Exactly the same as fairgame. Suddenly reduced maintenance payments (with no warning), blaming his new business taking a while to get started... I was genuinely feeling sorry for him until I saw on FB that he'd proposed to his girlfriend. Hasn't seen DS since March 2013.

laughingmyarseoff · 15/02/2015 19:24

Some people have really crappy warped priorities. I would screencap things like this OP in case you ever need them in the future, my aunt screen caps some things from my ex-uncle and now the oldest cousin is asking and wondering he can see them all for himself. He knows his dad is shit and wrote him off anyway but the 'dad' tried to guilt trip him so he needed the reassurance that he was right to think his dad crap and maintain no contact.

Original poster
Meeeep · 15/02/2015 20:08

I know I don't really understand it. Especially as from what I can see/have been told she has single handedly raised her own two children with no help from their Dad.

In a way I feel sorry for her because even though the posts on FB seem like the perfect boyfriend I have no doubt in my mind that he is not a changed man. And it's apparent by some of the stories I hear. I guess she's heard an entirely different story as he s unlikely to have been honest with her but she has actually accidently met me and heard what he's like when I was at Ex Mil's house. He was there too but didn't come into the room other than to get her and I quote said to DD "I didn't know you would be here, if I did I wouldn't have come round". If that doesn't make you realise what a scumbag your boyfriend is I don't know what will.

OP posts:
laughingmyarseoff · 15/02/2015 20:43

Meeeep It's very likely that she's heard his version of the story which casts you as the evil ex stopping him seeing his children. Or so my aunt's husband claimed he was.

If she heard that though, more fool her especially if they have a child together.

JillyR2015 · 15/02/2015 20:57

Doesn't pay. Doesn't help. Virtually never sees them and I paid him on the divorce. All a bit one sided.

Original poster
Meeeep · 15/02/2015 23:11

I was further away than she and his mother were from him so not hearing it just isn't possible as far as I can see. I know she'll have been given story. I've heard what he's tried to tell people. Thankfully people who know me and have said they know he's lying and to not speak to them.

OP posts: