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AIBU?

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Original poster

If you can't contribute to your childs upbringing...

67 replies

Meeeep · 15/02/2015 17:47

Your girlfriend shouldn't be posting expensive gifts from you on FB.

First off I wasn't snooping, a mutual friend liked the public post so it appeared on my newsfeed.

Ex has never contributed a penny to DDs upbring, has given CMS the run around for over a year and on Friday I got a phonecall saying he is now on benefits so might receive the minimum payment for DD at some point. So if someone can't afford to contribute to their only child I can't help but wonder how much the dozen red roses, necklace and tickets to an expensive concert cost and how he can afford that.

It makes me sad that this is more important than actually helping to raise his daughter. He has proved time and time again that he has no interest in any way shape of form in DD and doesn't see her but it still stings abit when his priorities are there in black and white.

Although it has been 3.5 years and I am very happy with our life and we manage just fine by ourselves this still pisses me off little bit.

There is nothing I can or care to do about it I'm just posting for a little rant really.

OP posts:
JoffreyBaratheon · 15/02/2015 23:39

FB is very informative. I don't understand why the CSA don't use it. Wink

My ex holidayed in New York in autumn. He spent xmas in Italy. How much has he contributed for his two kids over 14 years? £0.00. How much does CSA say he should contribute? £0.00. Everyone knows unemployed people are poor. (Even those with massive inheritances).

OP, his GF is an idiot if she thinks him not paying for the kids he made, is OK whilst he wastes money no doubt on crap like his new 'relationship'. She's not just an idiot, she's a nasty idiot. God forbid these men get the replacement women up the duff - that's yet more kids unprovided for.

FitzgeraldProtagonist · 15/02/2015 23:43

Ha. Ex is around £2k 'behind'in payments. Went
to New York on holiday and wants to buy children (under 5) an iPad each. Pays less than the cost of a packet of fags a day for them (he smokes that much...)

SurlyCue · 15/02/2015 23:47

Then when confronted you shouldnt then tell me that you cannot afford child support now because you have a wedding to pay for.

I got this exact same excuse too when maintenance stopped. Also got "had to buy a new car" and "ive bought a house so need the money for the mortgage" as excuses. Apparently though i was very nasty and 'sleekid' for then contacting CMS 'behind his back' when he wasnt paying anything Hmm i swear some of them must exist in another planet.

SurlyCue · 15/02/2015 23:51

Oh and his engagement ring had to be paid for out of my childrens maintenance too apparently. So romantic Hmm

JoffreyBaratheon · 15/02/2015 23:53

Surly what kind of woman would even want to accept that ring? She is a total prat. Hope he does the same to her, one day.

anastaisia · 15/02/2015 23:58

YANB

Financial neglect and failure to provide for your children as a resident parent would lead to intervention from social services (and possibly even jail time if the neglect was serious enough)

It should be no different for a non-resident parent just because there's another person there to pick up the pieces.

If they genuinely have no money that's one thing, but if they have a lavish lifestyle but don't provide for children there should be something in the system that allows a case to be opened against them.

SurlyCue · 16/02/2015 00:01

Joffrey based on the lies he told me during our relationship then i am pretty sure she has no idea he wasnt paying. I could be wrong, afterall theres no reason why he cant have chosen a woman with as shite morals as he has.

Roseleaf · 16/02/2015 00:34

Yes, I'm always amazed at how my ex can afford holidays to Florida/Amsterdam, new cars and designer clothes, and his expensive hobby, when he hasn't paid a penny towards his DC

He also treated his new girlfriend to romantic weekend, expensive meals etc, at a time when I was scraping the barrel financially, skipping meals myself so the DC could eat. thanks to the financial mess he left me in

We're FAR better off now, and life is absolutely lovely....but I do wonder how he sleeps at night. And I don't know how his gf ate that food and slept in that big four poster bed, knowing full well what situation his DC were living in.

I'd spit on his money now. I've also kept records- lots of FB screenshots. The DC will know exactly what he did, once they're old enough. I've never slagged him off in their hearing, and I won't need to. They can flick through my little folder and make their own minds up

Devora · 16/02/2015 00:54

I sympathise, OP. My dad paid not one penny of child support, ever. He didn't send birthday or christmas cards, ever. He wandered by to see us occasionally - once every year or so? - but only ever talked to my mum.

He had a number of children, and only took any responsibility for the last. Though when I say 'responsibility', it wasn't of the financial kind. Amazingly, he managed to get through his entire working life (he is now 70) without ever having a steady job. Did a bit of modelling and acting here and there, but his job really was finding a whole succession of women to look after him. Seriously, not one but a whole line of women were prepared to collude with this. I will never, ever get it.

JoffreyBaratheon · 16/02/2015 09:31

Yes, I suppose lying comes with the deadbeat dad territory.

I know how evasive my ex could be - and he was an actor so good at lying. Very good.

Screen caps is a good idea. I hadn't thought of that. So if he ever gets to the kids with his poison, I have hard evidence that whilst we were scraping by on minimum wage, in a council house, and the boys having two days' camping if they were lucky, a year - their 'father' was jetting round the world and living like a (rich) student on a permanent gap year. Such men would lie to their kids, as well as their other half.

We need to campaign for a way to get some justice for kids. As anastaisia says, if the resident parent neglected to pay for their child, it would end up in care. The worst thing about my situation is, I know if my ex had won residency he'd now he sueing me through every court in the land for every penny I (don't) have. If he had the kids for a couple of hours he used to insist I brought any food they were going to eat, with me.

Original poster
Meeeep · 16/02/2015 09:41

I guess my situation is a bit different to most of these as I am in a better financial position that what my ex is. Hasn't always been the case mind you. We are by no means well off but we have enough for essentials and a bit left over.

I've been wondering about women who take men like this on and the only thing I can think of is they have a need to be the one they change for. They put up with shit and shitty behaviour because ultimately they believe they will be the one that eventually will do what the previous women couldn't.

I don't really get it. He was a different man when I met him but did find out much later that he had been this way before although thankfully no other children involved. He was almost 20 years older than me so if he hasn't sorted his life out by this point And wouldn't for his child I can't see him doing it at all.

OP posts:
Pipparivers · 16/02/2015 09:49

My dsc mum has paid precisely £55 in the last 10 months. She still manages to go out a couple times a week and travels exclusively in taxis when dsc is with her. Eats out with dsc and buys tat, we don't need. Glow in the dark personal fan anyone? Even though she is so skint she can't contribute towards school shoes!

Original poster
Meeeep · 16/02/2015 10:09

Glow in the dark personal fan? Just what everyone has always wanted Hmm

OP posts:
ChristyMooreRocks · 16/02/2015 10:14

Mine won't pay either. Apparently my husband took us on so he can pay.

He chuckles when he says that

What. A. Cunt.

You can tell him I said that by the way Smile

kitchentableagain · 16/02/2015 10:33

YANBU to be irritated by it but unless you're building a case using this stuff then you shouldn't be reading it.

If it's been 3.5 years and he doesn't even see his DC then why are you reading his FB statuses? Block him, this is a form of digital self harm. You're letting him live rent free in your head even thinking about this stuff.

HoneyIsBeePoo · 16/02/2015 10:33

Meeeep, he actually said that to your child?

That's the saddest thing; what an utter arsehole he is. Kids remember so much.

Original poster
Meeeep · 16/02/2015 11:14

Kitchen he is blocked on my account, not so I can't see it but so he can't contact me via private mail with his abusive shite. His girlfriend posted it and a mutual friend liked it so it appeared on my newsfeed. Didn't even know we had mutual friends although we do live in a small place so makes sense.

I'm really not interested in what they do. I've heard things about them through the grapevine on occasion but I don't actually care. Can't not read it when it's in front of you though. I actually blocked her account after seeing it also.

It has been 3.5 years and although it was a very difficult time in my life I've moved on stronger and better for it.

Yes, he said that. Thankfully she is still young enough that she didn't even glance up. She knows who he is but even now has no interest in him. dad is just another name to her, like Bob in the shop or Betty the lollipop lady. It doesn't have any emotional attachment to it for her because he's never been involved and has only seen her a handful of times since we left (his choice at the time and probably the only decent thing he's done for her is to not be involved and let her grow up with family/friends who love her)

OP posts:
exmrs · 16/02/2015 14:13

Here's a few gems from my ex husband

Buys a dog Dna test for girlfriends dog to see what breeds it's made from but no maintenance money as he is skint!

Buys girlfriend strictly tickets for her xmas present which she brags about on facebook about the best seats but no card or present for my sons birthday or xmas

SnowWhiteAteTheApple · 16/02/2015 14:40

RP can opt out of providing financially though, thousands don't work and claim benefits so are just as bad as the NRPs who don't pay.

We should crack down hard on all parents, resident or not, who chose to have children and then not support them.

Original poster
Meeeep · 16/02/2015 15:14

SnowWhite if an RP is in a position they have to claim benefits they are still using that to provide for their child/ren. A NRP's contribution in the same circumstance is £5 per month. Your statement is ridiculous and hugely disrespectful to anyone who finds themselves in a position where they need to claim Hmm

OP posts:
SnowWhiteAteTheApple · 16/02/2015 15:36

Meeeep, whilst some of the money may be spent on the child its not being provided by the parent but by taxpayers. Just like if the NRP doesn't work and has to hand over some of their benefits.

If we are to introduce strict measures to get parents to pay it has to be directed to both parents not just one. There are many RP who slate the NRP for not paying or only paying the minimum CSA amount yet don't work themselves so don't pay anything. Pot kettle black springs to mind.

Compulsory support of children would be a vote winner. Nobody should have the option of opting out of financially supporting any children that they have.

HoneyIsBeePoo · 16/02/2015 16:03

SnowWhite if an RP has to claim benefits to house, clothe, feed their child, how does that in any way sound like the other parent who has buggered off and doesn't pay anything?

The claiming of necessary benefits, that they are legally entitled to, is the RP 'providing'.

SnowWhiteAteTheApple · 16/02/2015 16:09

Honey, neither of them would be paying then. Filling in a few forms to claim benefits is not providing financially for a child Hmm. A non working RP is no better than a non working NRP, neither are working to provide for their child's needs.

Whilst we allow people to opt out of working and providing, then we can't enfore the strict CM regulations other countries have. You can't penalise only one parent. Most don't get a choice as to who is the RP as the courts still favour one sex rather than a fairer starting point of 50/50 shared care.

exmrs · 16/02/2015 16:10

Snowwhite surely you can see resident parents are very restricted as to what work they can do especially if other parent has buggered off and can't be relied upon to have the children whilst the resident parent works.

The options are very limited whereas the NRP can dictate when and how long they will fit the children in to their schedule. The resident parent does not get to pick and choose.

HoneyIsBeePoo · 16/02/2015 16:12

I think you'll find that receiving benefits is in fact providing, whether it's to your standard or not.

Your argument is nonsense.