"Oh I'm lucky that I don't need to work, financially"

[TerraNovice]

I'm going back to work next month and while chatting with other mums about it I've come across the above phrase a few times. Perhaps IBU but it sounds insufferably smug to be - so they married guys with money, so what? There's nothing wrong with saying you're a SAHM so why add the caveat that you've got a rich husband?

Well as long as the 'live and let live' mentality is genuine and not the patronising attitude I encountered!
When I'm working I always get the nod of approval, the positive comments about work life balance. When I did the full time sahm to preschooler and baby, I got the whole head tilt malarkey along with Spanish inquisition about when I was returning and wasn't I bored. I don't see that so much in reverse. I don't really encounter sahms asking why their friends are working so hard and don't they get fed up being away from their babies for so long? That would be considered so bloody rude, but sahms are definitely seen as fair game nowadays.

Meech unfortunately some people don't do the reverse but downright offensive "unnatural", "why have a baby" etc and that's when I mention I will be returning to work in future.

Maybe you need to find some new friends then meechimoo!
But seriously- I don't think most people in real life give a shit- they're too busy living their own lives!

I'm a great believer in live and let live- couples deciding mutually what works best for them. I do think the debate is important though from the point of view of wider society... It's hugely important that we continue to progress towards systems which allow for greater balance and equality.

Perhaps I feel this more having had my children in what now seems like the dark ages (and I'm picking up that ritaorange had her children at a similar time?) When I gave birth, the norm was for dad to take literally the day of the birth off- that's all. And it wasn't even counted as paternity leave- as I recall, my dh's one day work absence was recorded under 'sickness of a close relative.' And this was only 25 or so years ago! I also remember when our baby was unwell and couldn't go to childcare, I took the first day off, and when DH phoned his work to say he would take the next day off, his boss was genuinely flabbergasted... He couldnt get his head round the fact that a dad would take turns with his wife and assumed that I would be the one to stay home! This is the backdrop against which many of us had our children, and its good to know that times have changed and are continuing in that vein.

You sound terribly defensive Meechimo when most people on the thread are just discussing options and experiences.

Im happy I didn't have to give up a job I love and wanted to continue it and with a bit of luck ( DH got a compressed hours contract, living near to school and a few minutes from work) it was possible without CC.
I realise other people had different ideas - fair enough.

It doesn't make me someone who sneers at SAHM though.

That everyone you know is a SAHM/WOH DH is probably true because you tend to be around people who are in similar circumstances, hence most women I know are WOHM.

Interesting Lines DH had 2 weeks paternity .

Ah- you're a youngster then Rita! No paternity leave when I had my mine.

Rita, the fact that you were both free to pursue careers without the need for childcare is a pretty fortune and unusual situation. The vast majority of parents have to use childcare of some sort and don't get to work in their home town/village near grandparents etc. I've used childminders, nurseries and holiday clubs. I imagine that if you can work from home, or work nights, or weekends. ..then both parents can have 50/50 responsibility for care of the kids. It was something of a relief when I was sahm fulltime because there was never ever a problem with arranging childcare and no discussions about who stayed off then he has day. I did sometimes almost feel that my kids were a tricky conundrum to be dealt with rather than my children

Not a youngster Lines
Ill PM you !

Yes very fortunate Meechimo I have acknowledged that .
There was never a day where I worried about illness because we never ever worked the same day.
The nice thing was that DH understood the hell of being home with a Norovirusy toddler and also had the joy of running around a park on a sunny day.
Im not saying it was all rainbows and unicorns for either of us at all.
Sometimes it was hard, as parenting is.

I am a sahm. I am not being smug when I say I am able to stay at home because in reality. I don't have any choice about going to work because of illness so I have to get on and accept that I will never work. So enjoy going back to work because not many have much of an opportunity.
It sounds to me that maybe you are jealous they get to stay at home 'they have rich husbands'.

I'm not ignoring it and no one has said you are stupid. I have always said and my parents said pick work you like. Obviously life can be easier if you have more money and we definitely need more women owning a chain of 50 care homes rather than working in them as women still only have 20% of positions of power in the UK but plenty of men and women enjoy low paid work. I am the one with the postman son who loves it so few would be as supportive of the kitty choice as I would be.

On an individual basis though it can be sensible to ensure teenage daughters are shown the full range of careers and life options so they can make choices at the time when it matters.

kitty I'm very glad you enjoy your work but I still wouldn't want my DC to do that job or any job on such low wages and poor terms and conditions.

I don't want their lives to be any harder than necessary.

It's not something I say. That would be stating the bleedin' obvious, given obviously I'm at home and he's working.

The issue is that those jobs, considered 'women's jobs' deserve far far better pay.
We need carers. They do a vitally important, essential role. They are the backbone of this country along with nurses, teachers, etc. They are NOT paid enough and THAT is the issue. In my view, having had elderly relatives (not poor btw Jilly, just in need of care) in care homes, the good carers are incredibly skilled. Their emotional intelligence, ability to multi task and stay on their feet for 8 hours doing tough tough work and remaining positive, is an amazing skill which the vast majority of people couldn't handle.

and Word, you live in London. Very few people could manage the household budget in London on a carers salary, without help from benefits. (which isn't right but that's another thread)
I suspect it's easier to manage on a carers in come if you live in a cheaper area. My Mother worked as a carer for a while when we were children and we were fine. The accumulation of things is not always the path to happiness.

I shan't be returning to work. Because I don't have to. Because my husband earns enough to make us comfortable. I don't understand why anyone has an issue with that?

meech I do live part of the time London but that us not the issue.

I simply don't want my DC to undertake the sort of work that is hard, poorly paid and not respected wherever They live!

That goes for both my boy and my girl.

I am sure that most parents feel the same.

There are so many wonderful careers out there. Interesting, well paid, respected.

If either of my children showed an interest in the caring professions I would be encouraging medicine or psychology etc. I have a friend who is a shrink specialising in dementia. He spends his life trying to improve the lives if the elderly and vulnerable.

He is also on a good wage, receives an excellent pension and is not at the whim of disinterested management.

so Word, who would you have caring for the elderly and vulnerable in care homes?

Earning a decent wage is about much more than accumulating things.

It's about freedom. It's about meaningful choice.

And a successful career is about much more than the wage packet in any event.

Of course I want my DC to experience a successful career and the freedom it brings.

and don't you see it as a huge problem in our society that these vitally important "women's jobs" are paid so appallingly?

Of course I do meech but I also know that this will not be changed by my own DD being treated like shit!

Better that she be encouraged towards work where she will be well paid and well treated and experience a life with meaningful choice.

kitty I don't believe for one second that some people just like check out work!

I think working class women end up doing it because they have few choices in life.

I'd really like to see more of those women get some real choices!