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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to be included when women speak to dh.

20 replies

marthasmith · 13/02/2015 19:49

Me and dh regularly walk the dog on the beach and get chatting to lots of other dog walkers, more often than not lone women. Often while the dogs play we all chat which is nice......sometimes. Often the woman will talk looking at dh rather than both of us. It's like I'm not there, I know it's not that big a deal, not even worth a mention to dh because it's basically just passing strangers, but it's quite often him who they like to talk to. Aibu to think this is a bit rude. When I'm talking to two people I look from one to the other. Anyone else get this kind of thing.

OP posts:

pictish · 13/02/2015 19:53

Who does the talking...you or dh? Or both equally? I tend to focus on who is talking regardless of who else is there.

Original poster

marthasmith · 13/02/2015 19:55

Well I like to talk as well, but it tends to get ignored and talked over.

OP posts:

olaflikeswarmhugs · 13/02/2015 20:00

YANBU . You shouldn't be excluded regardless of who is doing he most talking . I'm guessing your DH probably does do the most talking because she is directly talking to him and you are sensing you're not being included .

Letmeeatcakecakecake · 13/02/2015 20:04

It's really rude! If I'm talking to a dog walking couple I will always talk to both parties regardless if one member is talking more than the other!

DameEdnasBridesmaid · 13/02/2015 20:09

This happens to us all the bloody time. Women we know, women we don't know, all talk to DH and ignore me. On the whole I find it amusing but sometimes, when it is someone we both know it pisses me right off.

Recently me and my mother were waiting for DH in a restaurant. he came in and I saw two women! who we all know, see him and I could lip read one of them saying to the other 'ooh there's MrEdna'. He never noticed them, when they were leaving they came up to our table and both of them spoke to DH 'how are you, nice to see you ect', even though they both know me and my mother they completely ignored us. It would be funny if it wasn't so utterly pathetic.

Original poster

marthasmith · 13/02/2015 20:17

I know what you mean Dameedna......there are also many occasions when women that we both know will say hi and use dhs first name but not mine. What's that all about.

OP posts:

Roussette · 13/02/2015 20:20

to play devils advocate... I went to a party recently with my DH. There were a couple of my old boyfriends there from hmmmm 30 years ago, we're in an extended social circle (I'm old! but I have no idea if their DWs knew who I was, I don't think so) and oh my god, the wives were circling and giving me the evils the whole night! FFS I don't care a damn about your DHs, I am with MY DH, I am just catching up on old times, stop dragging your husbands away like I am some sort of Mata Hari. I find that pathetic.

Redheartsandflowers · 13/02/2015 20:21

I've had this a few times.

It doesn't bother me if people only speak to my DH, because he is the one doing the talking sometimes. What bugs me are the people who don't even acknowledge my presence with eye contact, for even a moment.

I once observed a women go out of her way to not make eye contact with me or acknowledge my presence when I was stood with my DH. It was bizarre. I'd never met her before so it wasn't like she had anything against me.

Redheartsandflowers · 13/02/2015 20:24

Roussette I once had this. I was at a social event which included a meal. We all sat down at random and I happened to be seated next to this women's DH. I don't know why she didn't sit with him because she could have done if she wanted.

He was perfectly nice and we had a totally normal conversation which included the people sat at our end of the table. I looked up the table and she was giving him and me evil looks.

I don't know why. He was not a flirt, I'm not a flirt and he was at least 40 years older then me.

I do not want your old duffer of a husband strange lady.

SorchaN · 13/02/2015 20:25

I know a woman who does this. She speaks to men and ignores women. She's the daughter of an extremely well-known politician with a high profile career of her own, so I find it hard to imagine she's very insecure (but I wouldn't know of course). I find it rather odd, but I don't much like her, so I don't feel I'm missing out when she doesn't speak to me!

Roussette · 13/02/2015 20:28

Redheart yes! I'm surprised I left this party in one piece!

Have to say, I do find women who just speak to the DHs and ignore the partners they are with pathetic too. But if you are at a party or a 'do' and your DH speaks to a woman, do not assume he is running off into the sunset with her. But I am used to being at a party and not strapped to the hip of my DH.

My DH was highly amused from the sidelines.

Charlotte3333 · 13/02/2015 20:29

DH has an ex who does this. She's part of the extended social circle so turns up occasionally at weddings and christenings. She has never spoken a solitary word to me regardless that she and DH broke up when he was 17 and he was 28 when we met. Plus she used to model, so is hardly the self-loathing ugly bird with no confidence.

Original poster

marthasmith · 13/02/2015 20:30

Thinking about it, some men do it as well, the kind I think of as men's men. They'll only look at the man when talking and totally ignore his wife stood by his side. So bloody ignorant.

OP posts:

DameEdnasBridesmaid · 13/02/2015 20:37

Charlotte3333 far from being the 'self-loathing ugly birds', I find it is the woman who have tabs on themselves that do this.

Roulette DH and I are definitely not strapped at the hip and don't think he has any intention of running of into the sunset with anyone, which makes it all the more pathetic that they do this. And it's obvious, they don't even acknowledge me let alone make eye contact.

Lazaretto · 13/02/2015 20:40

I think sometimes you just speak to the person who is most approachable /receptive. I do try to make eye contact with the person not speaking too but it's hard work.

Roussette · 13/02/2015 20:45

Thing is... I could be called one of these pathetic women, but when I got to this party, I made a particular point of talking to the partners of these men first, being pleasant, chatting, asking about their kids etc. I was honestly dead pleased to meet and chat with them, I had met them in passing years ago but hadn't had the chance to chat properly before. I then obviously wanted to catch up with their DHs because I'd known them from way before they got married, but I was labelled I think as someone who wanted to steal their husbands!

Nothing could be further from the truth my DH knocked spots off them

DameEdnasBridesmaid · 13/02/2015 22:05

Rousette you are definitely not one of these women if you spoke to their partners, that is the normal polite thing to do.

The women I am referring to do not even glance in my direction let alone pass the time of day.

lomega · 13/02/2015 22:18

Curious thread, I was thinking about this a lot today! Women do this a lot to me and my DH, people he works with, people I know, acquaintances, old school friends I've not seen in ages etc...they all focus on him, even if I'm the one they know more! It seems only our close friends and family include us both in conversation. I wonder why? As I am a gobby cow however I usually make whoever it is talk to me usually by being on a charm offensive, and then if they're fucking rude or ignorant, a sarcasm offensive.

There is this one woman where I work who will ONLY talk to men, it's like if you've not got a willy you aren't worth talking to. Often I go and ask her how she is and if she wants a cuppa, how her kids are etc until I get a mumbled response...none of the other girls can be bothered any more but I have this strange feeling she's just intimidated or insecure. When a man walks into her room it's like a different person appears!

Lazaretto · 13/02/2015 22:21

To be honest...I find men much easier to talk with. Might be due to communication style?

Roussette · 13/02/2015 23:48

Iomega... I get it totally. Funnily enough I was relating a story to someone I closely work with today. A woman that works there is so bloody arsey with me and her, we are at a loss as to why.

The other week I came into work and she did her usual sourfaced nod and 'why are you here early' thing (I get there before time to prepare etc). then one of my male colleagues arrived minutes after me. She was positively coquettish! I could not get over the contrast. I honestly think some women don't actually like women!

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