Elderly uncle not allowed to attend book group anymore

[Pinkrosesarebest]

My elderly uncle recently moved to a bungalow in a village near to me as he has no other family (moving 20 miles from previous home so harder for old friends to pop in). He is still relatively active, and, as an avid reader decided to join a reading group in the village in a bid to meet people. He has been attending a couple of months and enjoys it.

However he just told me that he was politely told by one lady, in an embarrassed, laughy way not to return to the group. It was an all-female older lady group (although that was a coincidence, not advertised as females only) and apparently his prescence meant they could no longer gossip and chat at ease. Apparently he was let down in a "aren't ladies silly" kind of way.

He was a bit sad but is philosophical about it (as is his nature- very gentle soul). However, I, on the other hand, am seething with rage and don't know whether to confront the organiser. Why advertise a group in the village paper if it is not open to all and totally selective?! This is also very discriminatory against men. Just needed to vent! Anyway AIBU to feel so so hurt for him. This is hardly welcoming to an old gent on his own in a new area.

Most of the book clubs I have been to descend into birth stories and fairly graphic descriptions of very personal circumstances. I assume this isn't what your uncle envisaged, and generally speaking, the older the gentlemean, the less likely he is to have heard lengthy personal stories from the mouths of his female peers - merely a generational thing - having never had children, the question of him being present at the birth doesn't even raise itself - but as a generational thing would be unlikely anyway.

I imagine these vile women (lol) merely want to continue chatting about their experiences in a peer environment, nothing more sinister than that (and as we still haven't had clarification on whether this is actually a group of friends getting together in each other's houses, or a formal affair hosted by an organisation in the community centre, y'all are being a bit previous about the nature of these probably lovely ladies who are embarrassed they didn't think about the difficulties a gentleman in their midst would cause.

Vile women? Witches? Lol lol lol.

'My lovely widowed auntie runs a book club for a few of her friends - two of them have died recently, and so they put a note in the church mag for new members. These women have all known each other for over fifty years. A lovely older gent moved into the village and asked to join. He came along for a few meetings. Auntie is really embarrassed, but it has really changed the nature of the club, and a few of her friends have confided that they aren't comfortable by his being there. They are shy old souls and aren't used to discussing personal stuff with men - in their day, even their husbands didn't get to come to the birth of their children etc. she is really upset as it's causing some of the ladies not to feel like they can join in the conversation. They know the lovely old gent doesn't mean any harm, but it's changing the nature of their group completely. Auntie is really sad that her fifty year old friendships are being challenged, she doesn't want the group to change - they have been meeting in each other's houses and enjoying Sherry and a chat for 18 years, and she was trying to be nice to the gentleman and make him welcome in the village. They hadn't even considered that aman would respond to the ad. Her best friend is worried as she is supposed to host next month and is uncomfortable. What should she do? Do you think the gent would understand? Or do you think the members of an anonymous Internet forum will screech 'witches! Burn them!' At my lovely auntie?'

It's nearly always going to be the case with these threads that we can only fully empathize with the OP or the person they want to discuss.

But just as we don't know that they are vile witches, we don't know if they are lovely little old ladies either. If this was a solid friendship group sharing confidences though, I'd wonder why they were actively looking for new people.

It is pure speculation that these females might be lovely.
All we know is that they advertised for new members and then at least one decided this elderly gent wasn't suitable to be allowed to return. That is not lovely nor is it act of a lady.

Cliques get bad reputations for precisely this sort of reason.

It sounds like a bookclub for local females and anyone they judge unsuitable will not be made welcome either.

It is also pure speculation that the uncle's behaviour was impeccable and has not caused discomfort to the existing members.

Naturally so.

Hilarious that we are bandying 'discrimination' though.

If anyone had accused me of discriminating against anyone I found it uncomfortable to have in my living room and serve wine to, I would find it mildly amusing.

Don't let your faux outrage distract you finding something else for the lovely old gent to do, though. That would be a shame. Far more useful to help him out with a different activity and way of making friends than causing distress in a small village about a newbie, and potentially giving him a name of being a trouble maker in a small community. Guaranteed to win friends and influence people, that one

Mil and fil have been in their village for about twenty years now. There is still a small intake of breath if as an outsider he has the temerity to win anything at the produce show. He's only had the allotment for fifteen years. The very cheek of it.

Did the OP say they met in one another's houses? Or that they served wine?

Agree totally that is speculating the the old gent said or did anything to get the old woman's knickers in a knot. She might just be one of the professionally offended. We do know she is unwilling to extend the hand of friendship to a fellow book lover and newcomer to the village though.

This is so horrid. So many older men don't go out as it is & social isolation which really does affect mental health is rife. They should be ashamed of themselves. If I was anywhere near I'd go in a heartbeat to give that woman a piece if my mind.

Ffs why can he not join in the gossiping if that's really the issue. What a bully. I'm seething. Please go talk to her & find out more. I sincerelY hope she apologises

I know someone who with 3 other men formed a book club in the country - all men, all over 60. Nothing to stop your uncle doing that. They should have made ni his case the rules clear earlier on.

Lol, she did extend the hand of friendship. For several months.

And for whatever reason, it didn't work out.

And no, the op hasn't said. Everyone is too busy frothing to actually consider other possibilities. Because you know, old women are always witches. Kinda weird that we'll all be there some day and you lot are STILL peddling this sexist, ageist crap against old women.

That doesn't take away from the necessity of finding lovely uncle x somewhere else to socialize, but the ingrained sexism and ageism against older women on this thread is utterly breathtaking. Take a cold hard look at yourselves, and remember this in forty years when you are trying to defend yourselves against the same cultural bollocks.

It is not pure speculation that he is a lovely gentleman. We know this from the OP. OP knows her uncle. I can't believe somebody asked whether he smells. If somebody tells you they were excluded unfairly from a social group you don't ask them 'do you shower, do you have personal hygiene issues'? Way to blame the person who has been badly treated. I don't get this 'you must have done something to deserve it' way of thinking.

I agree with pp saying maybe the excluder was nasty but doesn't mean she was speaking for all the members. Worth checking that indeed all the members want him gone, not just one nasty person with issues of her own. Nasty people do operate this way, trying to make it look as if everyone is behind them.

My exercise class is all female. I have belonged to an all-female book club. If a man (however lovely) came/had come along to either I'm sure its dynamic would have changed significantly.

grovel And if any of those classes advertised for new members of either gender then the fault would lie with them. It would change my running group dynamic too, but that's why we rarely open out to new members and when we do it's women only.

I think it's a poor excuse about the dynamic changing because of course it will with any new member but possibly more so with different gender, but then don't be stupid and then advertise for new members or specify it's women/men only.

Only a village group would behave like that. What is it with these tight knit little communities who often contain people who behave as if they are some kind of minor royalty. Your poor uncle - what an old cow. I wonder if she goes to church! Perhaps he should go to the local pub with you and ask around if anyone would like to join him in an interest group as he wasn't welcome in the local women's group. He could make a joke of it. Apologies to the many lovely village inhabitants who I know are in the majority.

What a shame. I agree with sonja by finding out if it's one lady causing trouble or all of them doing this. I would go and ask them outright. Okay so the dynamic might have changed but no need to exclude people. I do voluntary work in a mixed group where EVERYBODY is welcome. I wouldn't tolerate a group that didn't. If say some of the ladies who have been friends for years wanted a personal chat they can do so by meeting separately or going into a private corner.

I have been in a group of all men once who were lovely and also a group of females with one man who was treated the same. I have no time for exclusion and cliques as I've experienced this. People alienate themselves eventually when others from the clique move away or die.

Your uncle sounds lovely. I hope he joins something else.