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AIBU?

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Original poster

Elderly uncle not allowed to attend book group anymore

89 replies

Pinkrosesarebest · 13/02/2015 16:16

My elderly uncle recently moved to a bungalow in a village near to me as he has no other family (moving 20 miles from previous home so harder for old friends to pop in). He is still relatively active, and, as an avid reader decided to join a reading group in the village in a bid to meet people. He has been attending a couple of months and enjoys it.

However he just told me that he was politely told by one lady, in an embarrassed, laughy way not to return to the group. It was an all-female older lady group (although that was a coincidence, not advertised as females only) and apparently his prescence meant they could no longer gossip and chat at ease. Apparently he was let down in a "aren't ladies silly" kind of way.

He was a bit sad but is philosophical about it (as is his nature- very gentle soul). However, I, on the other hand, am seething with rage and don't know whether to confront the organiser. Why advertise a group in the village paper if it is not open to all and totally selective?! This is also very discriminatory against men. Just needed to vent! Anyway AIBU to feel so so hurt for him. This is hardly welcoming to an old gent on his own in a new area.

OP posts:
Lovemycatsandkids · 13/02/2015 18:17

miscellaneous please don't call yourself that my lovely.

laughingmyarseoff · 14/02/2015 10:42

MiscellaneousAssortment, some people are just shitty people- those are the people that should be kept away from others at all costs but sadly they are usually the 'center' or 'queenbee' promoting the cruel behaviour.

GatoradeMeBitch · 14/02/2015 12:06

You should email. It may have been a random busybody asking him not to come back, not an organizer. Check it with them. At the very least they deserve to squirm over writing a response back justifying what happened.

If it does turn out to have been a misunderstanding perhaps you could attend the next meeting with him, to boost his confidence? Otherwise I hope he finds something else.

bobbyjoe · 14/02/2015 12:14

I'd add something to your email about rejection, isolating an older person that has just moved into the area, which should they should empathise with being within that age range, and say you hope none of them have to go through this when all they were doing is trying to make friends. I'd guilt them so bad. No matter, he can't go back now.

sonjadog · 14/02/2015 12:25

Was it the organizer who told him or just a person in the group? If it wasn't the organizer, then I would say to him he should check with her first. This woman may be representing no-one but herself.

trufflesnout · 14/02/2015 12:25

I think the mistake here is the fact that the group wasn't advertised as women-only, but I don't think a women-only group in itself is wrong. E-mail/call them and ask them if they have a female only policy - and if they say yes, tell them to update their advertising.

DarkNavyBlue · 14/02/2015 12:31

They probably just don't like him.

Viviennemary · 14/02/2015 12:34

If it was an all women's book group it should have been advertised as such. I don't think your uncle should feel bad as it's quite acceptable to have an all women's group and the dynamics of the group change if it's mixed or all women. Is there a U3A in your area. They usually have book groups and a variety of other activities for older people. Or put a notice in the local library to start another book group.

MissDuke · 14/02/2015 12:58

She sounds awful! Was he enjoying the group? It does sound like her is better off away from this!

Girlwhowearsglasses · 14/02/2015 13:11

Help him start his own book group?

Sazzle41 · 14/02/2015 14:03

Your poor uncle. Has your local church, age concern or village magazine got anything else might enjoy? History or bowling clubs? Our village magazine and the age concern office on the High Steet has over pages of local clubs from film clubs to potter and all sorts. The two churches also have social events. It sounds like it was a social group more than a book club really, he is best off out of it and in a more diverse, mixed group.

ScrambledEggAndToast · 14/02/2015 14:49

I hate to say it but the fact he was asked to not return after a couple of months makes me think that it's not actually about him being a man. Maybe this is just what he's telling you? Had they said this on the first night he went this would be believable but after a few months, definitely not believable.

GatoradeMeBitch · 14/02/2015 14:54

Book clubs tend to meet once a month, in my experience. So two meetings possibly.

UncleT · 14/02/2015 14:58

Scrambled the OP obviously knows her uncle better than we do and she comes across as pretty calm and rational. It seems plain nasty that there's a few here who immediately choose to believe that somehow it's down to him rather than them. It's unfortunately pretty common for people to be that unkind, and yet based on nothing whatsoever some are immediately prepared to conclude he's done something wrong or his behaviour deserves this in some way. Sad - really bloody sad.

Tizwailor · 14/02/2015 15:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ApocalypseThen · 14/02/2015 15:14

It's clearly an unfortunate situation. There has been a lot of criticism of these women - I find it difficult to imagine that some of the wilder language could possibly be warranted.

There is a possibility that it was never intended to be a ladies group but has unwittingly developed in that direction and it became clear when they tried to integrate someone new.

I suppose the question is, whose rights are more important? Do the ladies have the right to keep their group as they like it, or does the uncle's right to participate overcome that?

FromSeaToShining · 14/02/2015 15:20

What a horrible way to treat your poor uncle. I suppose the only consolation is that he is better off without the company of such small-minded, unkind people.

I also agree with UncleT. It is very depressing that some people seem to think that the OP's uncle must have done something wrong to be treated so shabbily. I understand wanting to understand the full circumstances and toss out possible explanations. But from everything the OP has written, her uncle sounds like a very nice man. He just had the misfortune of encountering some thoroughly unpleasant people.

KatieKaye · 14/02/2015 15:46

I suppose the question is, whose rights are more important? Do the ladies have the right to keep their group as they like it, or does the uncle's right to participate overcome that?

If the female who spoke to elderly uncle is representative of the group, then I would suggest it is ironic to describe them as "ladies".

If one advertises a group, by doing so you are actively inviting new members and thus are demonstrating they do not want to keep "their" group the way it is. In other words, they are deliberately trying to change the status quo.

However, bringing in the issue of "rights" suggests some sort of hierarchy within this group, where those and such as those are ruling the roost and any new member is probably going to have a hard time fitting in.

If there are any bars to membership then it is only reasonable that these should be made clear up front.

The interfering busybody who made it clear your uncle is not welcome is a rude and inconsiderate person so your uncle is probably better off not having to spend any time in her company.

SoleSource · 14/02/2015 16:27

He could start his own book club.

GatoradeMeBitch · 14/02/2015 16:32

If it's a small village there just may not be enough interested people to go around to fill two book clubs!

That U3A program sounds like it might be good for him though.

madwomanbackintheattic · 14/02/2015 16:41

Not sure on this - it sounds as though they wanted to let him down gently, as they respected him, but for some reason he didn't gel in the book club. They may have been entirely happy to have men in the book club, but after a few months, realised that it really wasn't working. So it may have been the actuality of his presence that meant they changed their own 'rules'... And it may not have been that he was rude, dominated the discussion, wouldn't accept other pov - it may simply have been that the women hadn't realised that their dynamic wouldn't work with a man in the space, until it happened.

You haven't answered whether this was a private club using member's own homes, or an organisation-led event? I've been to both - very different, and have been to informal, wine drinking clubs where the book reading is secondary, and also to more formal book-centered groups where membership is vetted closely by interview and then by a probation meeting. In honesty, I declined the opportunity to participate in the probation meeting and set up my own book club instead...

Book clubs are very personal and every one is different. It may be that this one just wasn't right. Disappointing, but not necessarily worth the witch hunt and blame game.

AcrossthePond55 · 14/02/2015 18:56

Small villages often have those 'everyone knows thus-and-such' things. Perhaps 'everyone knows' that the book club is 'ladies only'. But poor Uncle didn't know because he's a newcomer. I feel so bad for him. If he's not up to starting his own book club, hopefully he'll find something else he likes that gets him out and meeting people.

Frankly, I think those 'ladies' were a bit stupid. I'm sure there are a fair number of widows/divorcees/singles in the book club and if Uncle is truly a lovely single man then someone just gave up a good opportunity to get to know him or introduce him to their mother, auntie, or sister!!

Nocturne123 · 14/02/2015 19:00

Vile women

From what you said about your uncle it's their loss .

This made me angry for you. I hope he find something else he enjoys or another book club. How horrible

aprilanne · 14/02/2015 19:09

I personally think letting it go is wrong because they will just do it to other folk .i would report them to which ever body runs the hall .church /community whatever .i go to a group for parents of children with support needs all mums except 1 dad .he also has ms .we sit we gossip share stories tell jokes .and if anything we fuss over him being the only man .i cannot get round people being so nasty sorry but i would not let it lie

MiscellaneousAssortment · 14/02/2015 19:54

Thanks LoveMy and Laughing, it cut me on the raw that story did.

Anyway, poor uncle too