To feel incredibly angry that because my sibling lives abroad I am left alone to deal with all the support for our parents

[outtolunchagain]

I know I am really , he is perfectly entitled to do the best he can for his family , they have a good life out there and I'm really happy for them. There is absolutely no prospect of them coming home ever .

But I feel so alone and vulnerable , our parents are divorced , one happily married with new partner and my step siblings are very supportive so not to worried there.The other is about to be widowed and lives at least a 7 hour drive away, we have a fraught relationship at the best of times .It feels like a train rushing towards me .

Brother says all the right things but realistically is a 16 hour flight away, not feasible to come home to go to a Drs appointment or visit the lawyer or organise the tyres or MOT on her car.

It would help if he appeared to understand the problem , it's all very well to say he'll be there in an emergency but I don't need him there in an emergency I need him there regularly

SIL by the way comes from a third country even further away than us and I suspect her brother feels the same as me

Sorry this was a rant but I feel so scared of what's coming , I also have a job a workaholic DH and three children one with extra needs , admittedly all teenagers one older than that now but still needing support

He

Interesting what posters have been saying about preparing for your old age. For the last 8-10 years DH and I have been watching MIL's decline from frail-but-able-to-drive to very frail with moderate dementia, and it has really made us consider our options.

A couple of years ago I got a new swanky mobile phone (rather than an old one I never used) and got into the habit of texting, picking up voicemails, using the camera, uploading photos etc etc: all part of a project to stay abreast of technology, inspired by MIL's refusal to do so when she had the chance. 10 years ago when she was widowed, she had ample opportunity to learn to use emails etc and plenty of people willing to teach her (I tried!) but she never did: had she got computer literate then she would have been able, at least until the past year or so, to shop online, Skype her grandchildren, email her DC and friends, have a Facebook account to keep an eye on us all etc. But she didn't, and her world has narrowed horribly and she is bored. It also made her more dependent before she had to be.

I think the gender distinction is a difficult one , I also despite occasional grumps love my brother very much , if I don't step up and be there for DM when and if she needs me then he will never forgive me and I couldn't bear not to be part of his and my nieces lives .Society seems to expect the daughter to step in , unfortunately my PIL also only have us as well.

But also I am all she has , her surviving siblings are older than her , live scattered around the UK and are generally not close .She has no close friends , people to chat to , but not people she could rely on so that leaves muggins .Of course I could ignore it until one day SS call me and ask me to step in , but I'm not that hard hearted , in her own way she loves me and I don't wish her ill.

if I don't step up and be there for DM when and if she needs me then he will never forgive me

But what about YOU? If he dosent bloody well step up when he's needed, especially as he was the one who had some Kind Of relationship when you didn't, YOU are going to be (if you aren't already) not unreasonably very resentful of him. And you will never be able to just forgive him and maintain a relationship.

It shouldn't always have to be you dancing to everyone's tune. You are allowed to say to your brother when he places HIS burden of expectation on YOU 'mum and I never really got on' and take a firm step back.

Don't forget, he may well be feeling guilty for emigrating and his way of dealing with the guilt is to firmly dump it on you. Might work for him, but it doesn't work for you.

It could be worse - I have 3 dbs - 1 is great but works very full-time and also supports other relatives, one lives abroad and does FU and the third one - in his 50s - still lives at my parents' house rent free for months every year but contributes zero pounds to the household expenses, has about 250K in the bank but never buys anything for my parents, goes out instead of helping them in any way, does no cleaning, cooking or even giving them their medicine, goes off on 'holiday' whenever he feels like it for months on end with no notice, whenever their care needs are most urgent - but lies to us and says he's going to stay. He booked a v expensive holiday for my parents to their country of origin last year - they wanted to go but it was a huge upheaval and made them both ill. He only did this when I said I wanted to arrange a holiday like this with my parents so they could show their grandkids, my dcs, their heritage (db has no kids). He booked it without asking me or them and they were then too ill to repeat it so my kids will never have that opportunity to find out about their heritage.

Your brother sounds an absolute angel compared to mine!!

At least 1 have one helpful, if overworked sibling, otherwise I think I would have turned violent by now! Useless doesn't even begin to describe it!

KatelynB
Well said. A lesson for us all to build up a network of friends in our lives. I've been on my own for 4 years now after a 23 year marriage, and have kept up with my various different friends, and activities. I can see myself doing that forever and hopefully when I'm older.
My MIL though, is 83, and sadly has recently just given up. She has never had any friends outside her marriage and did everything with her husband. I've taken over her finances. One current account with all bills on DDR's and one ISA with her savings. This has simplified her life!!

Plus - I intend to downsize by the time I'm 65 to a flat within an older community. I have told my kids who are 14 & 18 that they MUST remind me of this. My MIL lives in a huge old victorian house which needs lots of work and she cannot manage it. OP - if feel your pain. Look after yourself.

I would tell your DB that you are thinking of moving abroad, and see what he has to say about it!!! Is it possible for a home help to be paid for? Even a daily cleaner would be a good idea, just so your mum is seen every day?

Again, how old is your mum?

Myself and my DS were in a similar position in that she lived relatively near my DM and I did not. The way we evened things out is that she contributed time and I contributed £.

Does he actually expect you to step in all the time or do you choose to burden yourself with all of this and then resent him for not doing the same?

She is mid seventies and does not need or want personal care , maybe I am not explaining things well , it's that I know it is coming and also she needs emotional support now and that in time will lead to physical support which will eventually lead to more care and I do feel resentful that my db will not be there.I don't however resent him IYSWIM?I know he can't do anything about how he earns his living and it is not possible for him to do the job he has in the UK.

I know he cares I know he would help if he was here but he is not and never will be , he can also be a bit black and white .So he doesn't get that whilst the hospice is the best place physically it might not be the best place emotionally for DM and DSF , however he is there at the end of the phone as is SIL .

Katelyn Ive re-read all of OPs posts again and I cannot see where she says that her DB is telling her or asking her to do X,Y and Z. I can see her saying she feels burdened by society expectations, by her own weight of responsibility etc.

It sounds as if it would work best for your M to move abroad to live close to/with your DB?

Don't forget that 3/4 of 80 year olds still live independently. As you work in elderly care, you probably see a lot of the 25% who don't and it's easy to forget they are the minority.

Lots of people are pretty healthy until a shortish final illness. Rates of dementia are falling (though absolute numbers are increasing simply because more people live to get old). Counter-intuitively, the longer you live, the fewer years of ill-health you experience.

When you work in health or social care, you are constantly confronted with worst case scenarios. It's important to remember they are not the norm. Your mother may develop dementia or some other disability but, equally, she may have many more years of reasonable health and never be dependent on you.

It's not impossible but it is unlikely , it's not a country that it would be good to grow old in ,however I am sure she will go out to stay

He will do his best but ultimately it would have to be something major for him to jump on a plane , the everyday panics will be down to me , it's just how it is .

Anyway I am sure lots of people feel like this, or maybe they don't and I am just a not very caring person

KatelynB thank you for your posts, I completely agree with you. DF recently passed away. DM has hardly any friends due to being co-dependant on DF for the past 40 years. She doesn't even know how to pay a bill! She is only in her early 70s and in good health but I don't want to make her co-dependant on me as I have enough crap on my plate.
OP it does piss me off that I have no one to help me, but many of my colleagues in similar positions (all female) with siblings end up doing the lion's share of parent care/help. I read a post on here recently where the poster said that she knew a family of 4 sons where one of their parents needed care, and it was never suggested by anyone that any of them should give up their job to care for their parent. It's that horrible feeling of obligation and guilt which seems to be a feature of many family relationships.

I feel for you OP. My very frail FIL lives 250 miles from us, while DBIL and family live abroad a 12 hour flight away. We have stated very firmly that we will do what WE can, but we will not compensate for his absence by doing "his share".

He is not happy with this, as we are only able to visit every six weeks. Plus we manage all the finances. FIIL is now in a care home because he could not manage on his own yet would not have carers into the house, leading to a fall and the police having to break in to the house to get him up. BIL very upset about this, though when you ask what he would do, he of course has no answer. (well what he wants is for FIL to live with us but that will never happen as I could not be a full time carer

My FIL I am afraid is in part to blame for his situation. When MIL was alive they became increasingly insular and neither did anything without the other. Thus no network of friends etc and no family nearby.

OP sounds like you are doing all you can - in the end arrangements have to be workable and practical - in the long term a seven hour drive is only probably manageable every six to eight weeks.

And if DB suggests you are not doing enough, tell him to come home and do things his way or take your DM to live with him.

OP I sympathise. My mother lives with us now. My only sibling lives on the other side of the world. Visits every 10 years or so.
Yet again has been asking Mum for money. Wants his share of inheritance.

My parents are not that old yet but my bro recently moved to the other side of the world. I resent the fact that he has never once even SAID to me "Sorry it'll all be down to you- hope that's ok". Just not his problem.

Me and dh have this to come. All siblings in oz or nz. All parents local to us.

This isn't about distance, it is about how obligated you are prepared to feel.

Seven hours away is far away. So is sixteen hours. Really, there isn't a lot of difference. They are both into 'costs a lot to visit/means taking more than a day out/time off work' territory.

He is too far to do everyday stuff, yes. But you are too.

It's about how you feel.