To feel incredibly angry that because my sibling lives abroad I am left alone to deal with all the support for our parents

[outtolunchagain]

I know I am really , he is perfectly entitled to do the best he can for his family , they have a good life out there and I'm really happy for them. There is absolutely no prospect of them coming home ever .

But I feel so alone and vulnerable , our parents are divorced , one happily married with new partner and my step siblings are very supportive so not to worried there.The other is about to be widowed and lives at least a 7 hour drive away, we have a fraught relationship at the best of times .It feels like a train rushing towards me .

Brother says all the right things but realistically is a 16 hour flight away, not feasible to come home to go to a Drs appointment or visit the lawyer or organise the tyres or MOT on her car.

It would help if he appeared to understand the problem , it's all very well to say he'll be there in an emergency but I don't need him there in an emergency I need him there regularly

SIL by the way comes from a third country even further away than us and I suspect her brother feels the same as me

Sorry this was a rant but I feel so scared of what's coming , I also have a job a workaholic DH and three children one with extra needs , admittedly all teenagers one older than that now but still needing support

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You're mad at your brother for not overthinking and antcipating things that have not and might not happen. You are totally unreasonable. And lets face it, you live seven hours away and don't even get on with your mother, how much are you realistically going to be doing? Very little I suspect .

Well they haven't happened yet but they will - not might. Getting mad at her brother is understandable but pointless though. I'd be trying to deal with things as if I was the only child.

I do wonder if many people who say if she doesn't need SS care then she can sort her own car/drs appointments actually have much to do with older people.SS do not kick in until things are pretty bad and there is a whole gulf between being completely independent and needing care .

Also you have to factor in that for many people this will be the first time they have lived alone in their life , they went from living at home with their parents to being married so that is a massive shock, not having anyone to talk something through with etc .

its also the problem that people don't ask for help,my dm is the opposite of demanding in that way , she won't ask for help as she would regard that as "inappropriate" so its about second guessing what help she might need.Also she will probably say that she doesn't need help with something when she does , plus she can probably get her car to the garage but has no understanding of how it works under the bonnet and then gets panicky when they say it needs something doing etc etc What happens if she falls over (she broke her arm a couple of years ago)she is hardly going to phone another continent is she?

Just to be clear i am not mad at my brother and i say that in my OP ,I am mad at the situation I find myself in.And of course I will do what is necessary , I do live a long way a way but as no one else will do it i will have to .I am touched by people's faith in SS to provide but i work in this sector and i can tell you they won't.

This is hard for me to read OP because we are about to relocate to Oz leaving my Mum and siblings behind. I have thought about how I won't be there when she gets old and needs help.

It is the only thing marring our move apart from missing people obviously. BUT...DH is from Oz and at the moment, his sister is alone facing two ageing parents. They have no others...so....I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. Do I leave SIL alone with two ageing parents or help my 3 siblings here in the UK. I think for me the choice is obvious but your brother may not even have thought about the realities of this for you.

I do hope this isn't the nightmare you envision.

Katelyn you put this so eloquently:

I have to say, with some of this in my own family right now, I'm increasingly concerned about the number of women (and it's mainly women) who get to an older age after losing husbands, divorcing etc. with no social network in place, no friends, no support structure of any kind (but fully healthy) and automatically expect family to fill that gap, probably without even having a particularly good relationship with them as it is.

This is exactly where I am right now. If you find the answer to any of this, someone let me know please!

How old is she?

Outto, next time your db thinks you can just pop over, you might point out to him that every three trips of yours is worth one of his in travelling time, and you're going to start keeping a tally. That should quieten him down.

I feel for you. You are right to consider her need for support, as opposed to personal care. You can do a lot over the phone and internet, but visits become essential in the end, just to see what is needed. I reckon you could probably manage on six weekly visits, especially if you can get a regular visitor advocate locally to see her weekly and check the mail etc, and alert you to what needs doing sooner than your next visit.

I reckon you could probably manage on six weekly visits

I wonder how you can reasonably do a 14 hour round trip in a weekend with 3 school-aged/teen children and a busy husband? If the OP had no, or grown-up kids that might be a reasonable suggestion but for me that's the sort of the trip I'd do once a year.

But assuming that you dislike long drives less than I do, or can do it by train, I would probably try to fit trips in in Feb and October half terms when the weather is usually decent, so you don't need to travel at Christmas when the weather can be atrocious and you've got dark nights unless you really want to visit her then And then fit in something during the summer.

As for the social network - my father is in this position because he's been anti-social all his life although he does live in sheltered accommodation so has a bit of a ready-made community there. So it's not just women - in fact I'd have thought that on the whole women are better at making friends or least acquaintances who might help out from time to time.

So you have one parent who might in the future need increased levels of care? Not right at this moment?

Can you not simply deal with it then? Not everyone lives amongst their family all their lives, its normal and healthy to move away and live your own life.

If your parent had a life limiting illness at this present time, I could understand your concerns, but they don't. So why not count your mutual blessings, enjoy life as it is and take steps if necessary in the future?

Thanks everyone for their replies , I suppose I do try to plan and cross every bridge before I come to it .But here's the thing , it looks like SF will die in the next couple of days , DH is away , I have two on half term and am already trying to juggle my job over the week .Db rang this morning , I am trying to rearrange things , I can get a couple of days off work but he expects me to be really impressed that he will come for a week at some point in the next couple of weeks.

I can't leave her all alone dealing with this , the children can't come with me ( youngest has only met her once and he is 11) .I do feel resentful, other families would share this responsibility. And that's the thing it's about responsibility,always having to have the phone with you in case it all goes wrong because there is no one else and this is how it's going to be now .

My brother is 20 miles away from our widowed and friendless mother and won't lift a finger to help. So in a way you are BU but I totally understand it.

other families would share this responsibility

Do you really work in elderly care? As I'd think anyone who had much experience would know that it is often the case that one family member takes on the greatest load and other siblings do little.

In terms of dealing with other professionals it's often easier if there is one point of contact rather than several.

How old is she? If she is still driving she surely can't be that needy?

An mot/service only needs one annual trip.
Lawyers- yes if it's dealing with her dos death then yes she probably will need you a bit the next week or 2 but this is a one off.

Some bereavement counselling may be appropriate.

Jackie , yes I do know that it's usually just one , but I think part of the problem here is that I haven't had much to do with my mother since I was 11 , she is very very difficult .My db is the golden boy and is actually much better with her I do it out of duty .It feels like he is issuing the orders from overseas and I am having to deal with things on the ground .I know this is how it works and I will get on with it but am using mn to vent I suppose .

Even if she doesn't need much help now it's the feeling of impending doom and that it's only a matter of time ,clearly other people are much better at this than me .

Can she use a computer OP? Can you show her about banking online, purchasing things online, managing bills online? Emailing friends etc. My 75 year old (non driver, rural village based) mother copes ok with this by some miracle and it has increased her independence 100 fold.

You mentioned falling - how about setting up a panic alarm. It will call which ever numbers you wish, in the order you choose, until someone responds. (as i'm sure you know, working with the elderly), therefore not necessarily a direct call for help from you - if you think she'd not want this.

I sympathise hugely, btw, with the basic 'all my problem' feeling you have. I am an only child, so is my mum, and so was my dad! So there is litereally just me to care for my elderly mother.

I would have loved to have emigrated, but did not due to guilt. Sadly my mother is not one to say 'do what's best for you', but instead, even when it came to moving to a different village to her said - ohhhh - i'll feel abandoned ...

outtolunch You might be surprised at how much your DM can cope on her own. My DM was widowed 15 months ago. She was married to DF for over 60yrs and had never lived alone. In addition DF had been retired for 32 years so she was not used to being by herself at all. She was always the frail one with a heart condition and I don't think it ever occurred to them that DF would die 1st. DF had latterly done all the housework and cooking, was still driving at 86 and had mown the lawns 2 days before he dropped down dead.

DM had never dealt with finances and doesn't understand them much - she doesn't seem to trust banks - even though DF was a Bank Manager! I now deal with all the finances.

DM is housebound - unless one of us is visiting. A neighbour gets her odd bits of shopping and I do a grocery shop on-line for her.

DM panics over every little bit of electrical equipment that goes wrong. So far she has said that the Microwave, TV, Washing machine have broken. To date it has only actually beein the WM that broke and needed replacing (all others were 'operator error'. I google local tradespeople and she rings them herself. She got a new WM delivered - the chap explained how it worked and 1 hr later she's on the phone to me saying she can't get it to work. With the model number and google/you tube I managed to talk her through it who the hell makes a film of loading and switching on their new washing machine and posts it on You Tube

She has carers in twice a week to help with showering, arranged with SS, although DM is self funding. They will do little jobs like change light bulbs if needed.

She manages to ring Doctors/District Nurses/Pharmacy for appointments/medication etc - somthing my DF always used to do for her.

Getting her to appointments has been a bit more tricky as she refuses to use hospital transport or community transport - but she is quite frail. I am lucky that DB helps out with this as I have a disabled DD and cannot get to her in the week when DH is at work. But the services are there for this very purpose. Taxis are also useful - we once got her broken false teeth to the dentist for repair by booking a taxi firm to collect and deliver them.

I could go on, but what I am trying to say OP, is there are many solutions that can work from a distance without the need for you to do that ridicuolous drive every 2 weeks. I live a 3 hr round trip from DM, DB1 is a similar distance and DB2 is a 10 hr round trip. We all moved away from our home town over 25 years ago so DPs should have seen this coming, but they refused to put up with the inconvenience of moving house.

My experiences with DM have certainly made me think about my own future and where my 'forever' home will be. Although I have 2 DCs my DD (20) needs round the clock care herself and is life-limited, whilst DS has ASD and although he is planning on going to Uni and will hopefully be able to live a fulfilling and independent life, I can't see him ever caring for us in our old age.

Thank you Katelyn , she absolutely is not helpless but I feel the weight of the responsibility and society's expectation .

tbh I'm still stuck at ur youngest dc only having met her once.. If ur relationship is that poor then I don't understand why you're feeling u will have to do everything.

I think that changes things. If she's been out of your life since such a young age she's not really a mum to you in the way most are.

You have the right in these circumstances to feel resentful imo.

You are under no obligation to do anything, not legally and not particularly morally if she wasn't really a big or positive presence in your life.

Imagine if someone was posting about an absent father they had little contact with since 11. I don't think people would expect you to drop your life to help out especially when there is another sibling, with a different relationship with them, alive.

Dbro chose to move away. It's his responsibility to move back or pay for care if she needs it and he gives a f*.

If it helps both my DSis & I live about 30 mins from mum but it's me who helps mum (excuse inc not wanting to waster her annual leave to take mum to the docs but it's ok for me to take unpaid leave & arrange child care). She's single, I have a family to look after. Yet she wriggles out of helping our ill mum.
I do it coz she is my mum. However I do really resent my sister.
If it helps I have started texting her mum updates like "I had to leave work early today as mum had a fall, she's ok but she could do with cheering up". Slight hints to point so she might get the hint. I am hoping she might just step up. You could do with the same with your brother?
My next step after this is to go as I have taken so much time off blah blah I need you to do....
Can you ask your bro to come on his own for a week to help by staying with her & doing the MOT, DIY, etc etc. Could he come for a week now and then or a long weekend every quarter & he could do the errands.
Be honest with him, tell him you need to help you more on regular basis.

If you live a 7 hour drive away and he lives a 16 hour flight away, he should be visiting once for every two/three times you do. I would point this out to him. If he expects you to visit once a fortnight, he should visit every six weeks.

YANBU and the situation is difficult because both distance and gender expectations mean that all your DB and DM have to do is do nothing and the burden will fall on you. Is your relationship good enough with your DB that if you discussed this with him he would respond well?