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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding etiquette - save the date

78 replies

PlumpingUpPartridge · 12/02/2015 17:44

My cousin is getting married in early 2016 and is quite excited about it. She and fiancé recently sent out nice hand-made save the date cards. I received mine and thought 'Oh, how nice' as I put it on the shelf. Since I'm her cousin, of course I'm going; it never occurred to me that this might be in doubt. We rarely talk, but get on reasonably well - just live in different areas with different friends.

Next time I think of it is when, several weeks later, she sent me a FB message to check whether I'd got it. I replied in the affirmative and complimented the makers Smile we had a friendly short chat.

Two days ago, my aunt texted to as if I'd got it as Cousin is worrying. I confirmed that I had.

Today, DSis contacted me to say 'Hey, apparently Cousin is offended at our rudeness in not confirming receipt of the cards'. We are both a bit bemused at this as it didn't enter either of our heads to do so.

Careful examination of the invite indicates no RSVP, although tbf I didn't check at the time.

Were we BU to not get in touch with my cousin? I for one didn't mean to be DSis might be another matter as we're really not that communicative a family - we can easily go months without speaking or getting in touch.

I'm uneasy about where the next etiquette pitfall might be now Confused

OP posts:
Nervo · 12/02/2015 17:47

Fuck! I got a save the date last week and haven't replied.

Didn't know you were meant to.

AlmaMartyr · 12/02/2015 17:52

I didn't realise you were meant to RSVP to Save the Date cards and never have Confused Never been asked about it though.

GoBigOrange · 12/02/2015 17:52

I see save the date cards as notifications rather than invitations. I have never replied to one, and never will - unless I already know I won't be able to attend and want to save the bride and groom the trouble of sending me a proper invitation.

I sent save the date postcards ten months before I got married, as I was getting married overseas - so if people did want to travel and attend I knew I needed to give them plenty of warning. I didn't expect responses as I hadn't asked for any - though I did get some.

Original poster
PlumpingUpPartridge · 12/02/2015 17:53

No nervo, neither did I!!

I didn't expect formal acknowledgements of receipt with my wedding invites, never mind save the dates Confused

OP posts:
Siarie · 12/02/2015 17:55

I don't think you need to reply to save the date cards. They are just to give people a heads up, we used them for our wedding and many of our guests were pleased as they wanted to go but may have booked holidays on the weekend of we hadn't of let them know.

We then followed up formal invites about three months before the wedding.

Terramirabilis · 12/02/2015 17:57

Save the dates don't require a response. They are a notification as a PP said. The invitation is what needs an RSVP. Case closed.

JassyRadlett · 12/02/2015 17:57

No, no RSVP, no response!

They're a courtesy to guests, not a formal invitation. Ours went out about 8 months in advance as r had lots of foreign guests coming.

Original poster
PlumpingUpPartridge · 12/02/2015 18:05

These responses are making me feel better Grin

OP posts:
Alisvolatpropiis · 12/02/2015 18:12

Your cousin is being weird. RSVP to invites not save the dates...otherwise what is the point of invites?

BolshierAyraStark · 12/02/2015 18:15

Nope, I wouldn't reply to a save the date card, that'd just be daft.

Schoolaroundthecorner · 12/02/2015 18:16

No you aren't at all obliged to RSVP to save the date cards. Your cousin is being a bit bonkers! If she wanted responses she should have specified that on the cards and anyway it's usually too early to expect people to commit absolutely to going, thanks what the RSVP to the formal invite is supposed to cover.

Schoolaroundthecorner · 12/02/2015 18:16

*thats what....

Bowlersarm · 12/02/2015 18:21

I don't think YABU....yet, on MN recently there was a thread saying save the date cards mean fuck all as far as many posters are concerned and don't constitute an actual invitation. Therefore didn't deserve to be committed to if something better came up. Which puzzled me.

I suppose therefore, if I ever did a save the date invitation I probably would chase it up now.

PerryNotCider · 12/02/2015 18:21

No you don't RSVP to save the date cards, they're just so you know not to book a holiday and to stick it in your diary. I just skipped the save the date cards and did invites as I couldn't be arsed, but if it doesn't say "RSVP by...." then you don't have to.

She's being a bit weird about it, will be interested to see how the wedding goes!

MaidOfStars · 12/02/2015 18:21
  1. Unless specifically requested, there is no need to reply to Save The Dates.
  2. Did your cousin forget that you'd confirmed receipt directly with her?
Original poster
PlumpingUpPartridge · 12/02/2015 18:21

I think she just wanted some fuss, which is fine really. Just amusing.

I sense a Bridezilla in the offing....

OP posts:
FruChristerOla · 12/02/2015 18:27

It is totally unnecessary to RSPV to a Save The Date card. The only point of a STD card is to let the 'key guests' know the date of the wedding well in advance www.debretts.com/weddings/engagements-and-invitations/setting-wedding-date/save-dates. The RSVP is only required once you have received the formal invitation.

A terrible faux pas (from the B&G) is to send a STD card to potential guests and then not send them an invitation Grin

seastargirl · 12/02/2015 18:27

I've always sent a text saying thanks for the save the date, we can't wait and then would send formal acceptance on receipt of the official invitation.

Not unreasonable to not respond though.

PrettyLittleMitty · 12/02/2015 18:29

If Save the date cards require a formal response then surely is just an invite? Confused
I have never recieved a save the date card but would not have thought to respond if I had.

Original poster
PlumpingUpPartridge · 12/02/2015 18:30

Fru Grin she'd better bloody ask us, we are fahhhhmily! and i long to view her tiara

OP posts:
PtolemysNeedle · 12/02/2015 18:33

You cousin has let wedding fever get to her far too soon.

Presumably you congratulated her on her engagement? Is she going to expect congratulations every time she chooses a table decoration or a chair cover?

TheRealMaryMillington · 12/02/2015 18:33

Perhaps you were just meant to get in touch and gush a bit?

You know, in her head.

Koalafications · 12/02/2015 18:38

Ridiculous.

I'm confused as to why she has sent you a message on Facebook, complained to her DM and then complained to your DSis. She sounds like hard work!

marshmallowpies · 12/02/2015 18:44

We sent out a save the date email to everyone, didn't expect an rsvp to that, but one etiquette trap we walked into was not doing a different BCC email to people who were going to be invited to the evening do only, just a single email confirming the date to everyone.

We then received a few friendly, non-pushy questions about the day, before we had got round to doing the invitations, and had to explain, very embarrassed, to one guest that they were only getting an evening invite. Luckily they weren't the type to be offended by it at all...thankfully!

FruChristerOla · 12/02/2015 18:45

Plumping, sorry - it's a bit of an MN joke. In the Summer of 2013 a MNer got a STD card. It then transpired that she - and 20 other potential guests - had subsequently not received an invitation to the wedding because the bride didn't understand the concept of STD cards.

To make matters worse, the bride then asked the MNer to decorate her wedding reception venue, given that the MNer had plenty of time on the day .... because she wouldn't be at the wedding. I believe there are 4 consecutive threads about this Grin

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