Wedding etiquette - save the date

[PlumpingUpPartridge]

My cousin is getting married in early 2016 and is quite excited about it. She and fiancé recently sent out nice hand-made save the date cards. I received mine and thought 'Oh, how nice' as I put it on the shelf. Since I'm her cousin, of course I'm going; it never occurred to me that this might be in doubt. We rarely talk, but get on reasonably well - just live in different areas with different friends.

Next time I think of it is when, several weeks later, she sent me a FB message to check whether I'd got it. I replied in the affirmative and complimented the makers we had a friendly short chat.

Two days ago, my aunt texted to as if I'd got it as Cousin is worrying. I confirmed that I had.

Today, DSis contacted me to say 'Hey, apparently Cousin is offended at our rudeness in not confirming receipt of the cards'. We are both a bit bemused at this as it didn't enter either of our heads to do so.

Careful examination of the invite indicates no RSVP, although tbf I didn't check at the time.

Were we BU to not get in touch with my cousin? I for one didn't mean to be DSis might be another matter as we're really not that communicative a family - we can easily go months without speaking or getting in touch.

I'm uneasy about where the next etiquette pitfall might be now

I got a save the date email recently. And didn't reply. Will reply when we get invite!!

I know someone who got a STD card - and then subsequently didn't receive an invitation to the wedding. Maybe that's where he went wrong, by not RSVPing to the STD, even though he knew it wasn't necessary?

Fru - same thing happened to me. When I very politely enquired about the invitation as I didn't want the bride and groom to think I was rude and hadn't responded, I was told rather bluntly that they couldn't accommodate further guests at the venue.

They sent me a save the date card ffs, I wasn't trying to wheedle an invitation. How rude!

So rude to not invite anyone you've sent a save the date too. It's not a 'we might invite you but save the date anyway' card. It's for the people you want to invite.

Some people are stupid.

I have never had a "Save the Date" card.
I think they are pretentious.
Presumably you immediate family and friends know the date of the wedding and wouldn't deliberately arrange activities, that could not be cancelled, around that time?
Your cousin's behaviour sounds either insecure or attention-seeking.

What a palaver!

I wouldn't respond & depending on whose wedding I might not STD either!

Just say yes or no on receiving the invitation.

I can see the point for holidays abroad or some distance away, but I would have thought that most people tell their "nearest & dearest" as soon as they know the date themselves anyway.

Oh I LOVED TidyDancer's thread. It just kept on giving...

Bad to send STD and not invites unless a massive falling out. One of my relatives has made a bad mistake, she started to give out STDs, to people she knew less well, and now she's realised there's not enough space! She's not given STD to close friends yet though so they are wondering what's going on.

I don't like save the date cards. It's bossy in a way to "book you in" especially those people who send them months in advance. In most cases it won't stop me
Planning more important things around that date or prioritising more important events I find out about later. I also hate it when people send wedding invites like 5,6 months in advance and include bossy instructions about deadlines etc. Bridezilla.

Buy her Debrett's on weddings as a helpful gift?

Eltonjohnsflorist I disagree about RSVP deadlines, it's rude not to respond to one- or were you refering to people who chase up well in advance of the deadline?

6 months is also ok imo if the wedding is close to or in school holidays or holiday season. It's still an invite not a summons but if I really want to go to a wedding then if it's going to be at a time which I may go on holiday sometime that month, then better to know earlier for when I book my holiday.

Well generally good etiquette is to post invites 6-8 weeks before the big day.

A deadline to respond being mentioned is fine- "please RSVP by 8th may" but I had one once which said "you must RSVP by 8th may. If you do not your response will be assumed and the relevant orders placed"
BOSSY. Really makes you look forward up going to that wedding

We had a strange one - we had a STD card for the EVENING only from our niece but a few months later an invitation to the whole day. Now I know she sent DAY STD cards to others (saw a pic on FB) so it now seems that we are invited in the day as an afterthought, or if there is now room or something. We arent terribly close so I'm tempted to tell her where to shove her invite...

Quadrophonic I think it's a bit petty to be pissed off at being upgraded. If you only like evening parties and find the day tedious (like my DH) then say you're only available in the evening, but don't refuse it because the STD doesn't match the final invitation.

RSVP by 'date' on the proper invitation is a must, at least it is if you know you have some slightly flaky friends. We just put 'RSVP' on the invite and it may as well have said 'chuck in pile of paper on desk and never look at again' to some people who I had to chase & chase to find out if they were actually planning to come to the wedding!

Also remembered that I did do a separate STD email for friends who live abroad because I knew there was a chance not all of them would make the trip, so the STD was an opportunity for them to back out gracefully at an early stage and me to be able to invite someone else in their place who might not otherwise have been able to come.

Our venue needed final numbers 6 weeks before so we needed to send out invitations earlier.

Deadlines for RSVPs are a must otherwise no one replies! No need to put bossy instructions with them though. Most venues have a date you'll need to pay and finalise meals etc so you really need RSVPs before then unless you want to guess numbers and dietary requirements

STD cards are fine I think, I just think it is extremely rude to send one and then not invite the person.

YANBU , obv bridezilla!

I wouldnt send an Rsvp but I do message and acknowledge it - "Got my save the date today, they are beautiful! Fancy a brew on Saturday?" sort of thing.

I've only ever received one save the date card for a wedding, but it wouldn't have occurred to me to RSVP. I regard them as just letting people know so they can, as the name suggests, save the date. The invitations are what you have to reply to. The save the date card I had arrived about 11 or 12 months before the wedding, whereas the actual invitations only came out about 2.5 months before.

I think that is what she had in mind ThinkIvebeenhacked; the fact that we communicate so infrequently means that I don't automatically think to contact her, whereas if she were a friend then I probably would have responded.

Eltonjohnsflorist I think we are going to have to agree to disagree, I have a very busy life and often can't fit in an evening meal on a weeekend without a couple of months notice, especially if it's during the summer months so a wedding specially if it's a weekend, I prefer at least 3 months.

I don't see how sending a 'save the date' is bossy. If like me you work shifts and all your friends work shifts then even planning a night out is hard. Getting everyone to request the same day off in order to go to a wedding takes months of notice. Not everyone has weekends off.

Yanbu you are not required to RSVP unless there is one attached

Blimey good luck with the wedding in....2016