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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Very difficult elderly mother-in law

70 replies

StormyLovesOdd · 12/02/2015 15:56

Bit of background ....

Have been with my DH for nearly 30 years, at the start of our relationship I really tried to get on with MIL but eventually gave up years ago as MIL is very controlling and passive aggressive in all her relationships but especially with my DH. MIL has alienated all her family over the years to the extent that she now only has one neighbour who still speaks to her plus me, DH and our DD (aged 7). FIL died years ago, MIL is in her 80.

Examples of her behaviour - MIL rings our house at least 10 times every day to chat to DH (he is out of work at the moment) if we leave to phone to go to voice mail she will just ring repeatedly until one of us answers if we dont answer she will turns up in a taxi and bang on the door until we let her in because she thinks something awful must have happened to DH. As well as putting up with all the phone calls my MIL comes to our house every Thursday to see DH and DD, she ignores me and theres always a horrible atmosphere. I get really down about it because she is so difficult, even dictating what we have to eat..... sigh. I have got to the stage where I cant even look at her without my blood boiling, I cant even stand the sound of her voice.

Anyway back to my man gripe .... Its MILs birthday on Friday and my day off work. I said she could come to our house on Thursday as usual (as I dont get home from work until 6pm on Thursdays) plus DH and DD would go and see her at her house on Friday after 3pm for her birthday.

Well MIL put the tears and the guilt on and said she couldnt possibly stay in her own house on her birthday so she would come to our house on Friday, she will probably turn up at about 10am and I will have her all day! My DH agrees that this is a pita but if we say no she will just pretend she didnt understand and turn up anyway, then there will be tears and accusations until I give in and let her stay.

I am so fed up of all this, its really effecting my life and our marriage. AIBU to say I want nothing more to do with this woman even though she has no one else and is very old.

OP posts:

Original poster

StormyLovesOdd · 12/02/2015 15:57

Sorry, dont know why all the funny question marks are showing.

OP posts:

TheyLearnedFromBrian · 12/02/2015 16:02

Say no.

Then go out first thing Friday, no matter how inconvenient it is, and stay out until hometime.

'Oh! I am so sorry. I must have misunderstood - I didn't think you wanted to come over until DH&DD were here, after all you spend most of your time in my home ignoring me. Wouldn't have thought you'd want to spend the day with me...'

She may be 80, but MY blood is boiling at the thought of someone treating you like dogshit in your own home, and more than that - your husband letting her.

Fairyfellowsmasterstroke · 12/02/2015 16:05

I'm sorry but if it was me I'd ring MIL and tell her categorically that it is not convenient for her to come round on her birthday however DH and DD will be happy to see her later in the day.

You then unplug the phone and refuse to answer the door if she turns up (preferably be out so you don't have to listen to her banging on the door).

She sounds a real pain BUT she's been allowed to get away with her behaviour for so ling - you now need to regain control of events which means showing her with actions that you won't be bullied and dictated to.

ApocalypseThen · 12/02/2015 16:09

I agree that it sounds like she needs fresh boundaries, but us her birthday the day to start?

TheWitTank · 12/02/2015 16:12

Agree with firmly saying no. What you suggested is perfectly okay. I would make sure I had plans for the day on Friday too, and let your DH know that you will definitely not be home to accommodate his mother all day. It is then up to him if he let's his mum know or not and her own fault if she turns up in a taxi. I understand that she is probably lonely, but you can't be a complete bitch and dictate how people spend their lives, whatever age you are. Time to stamp this out.

HairyOrk · 12/02/2015 16:13

Tell her no.
and conveniently choose that morning to go out shopping or for an appointment

HubertCumberdale · 12/02/2015 16:16

I would reaffirm what you said, you're busy on Friday but DH and DD will be over at 3pm. Be very clear. Then go out on Friday. Go to the cinema or something.
She will still see her family on her birthday.

ginmakesitallok · 12/02/2015 16:19

She turns up in a taxi if you don't answer the phone? What if you're out?

shoofly · 12/02/2015 16:26

Only that her birthday is over, I would swear that OP is the lovely woman married to my cousin, who has had to put up with my bloody aunt for the last 30 years. I would reaffirm that Friday does not suit as there will be noone home. Then I would go out and have a lovely day on my own and let your DH entertain her

skylark2 · 12/02/2015 16:26

I have to agree - just be out on Friday morning.

Original poster

StormyLovesOdd · 12/02/2015 16:28

Its not me then.....

If she turns up in a taxi and we are out she knocks on our lovely next neighbours door, they let her in and she stays there until we return. This has happend twice in the last few years. MIL can put on a good act of a scared old lady, this just makes us look worse as the neighbours dont realise what she is like.

It would be funny if it wasn't so dreadful. We even have to do then on holiday, we didn't return her calls when we were in Spain one year and she rang our hotel and the British Embassy because she thought DH was dead in a ditch.

My DH won't confront her, he has an OCD and I think MIL has a lot to do with his mental health.

OP posts:

Original poster

StormyLovesOdd · 12/02/2015 16:31

Unfortunatly going out is not an option, I am skint until next week, I can't just walk round a shopping centre for hours with no cash and everyone I know is at work. It doesn't help that I can't drive.

OP posts:

geekymommy · 12/02/2015 16:41

I suspect the funny question marks are "smart quotes". Are you using MS Word or something related to type your post? Here's an explanation and a way to make that stop.

Wonder if this kind of behavior has anything to do with why she has no one else? Does DH have any contact with other family members? Does he know how they were able to cut off contact with her?

dreamingofsun · 12/02/2015 16:43

has she always been like this? She doesn't have dementia of some kind? I'm being serious as she sounds like she might?

Andro · 12/02/2015 16:45

If just saying no won't work, would a 9 am phone call to say you have an emergency dental appointment?

Hadook · 12/02/2015 17:01

Go out. Have you got enough money for a couple of coffees? If so take a book and go to a coffee shop. If not any free museums, or the library would do and take a flask.

Branleuse · 12/02/2015 17:02

let her in and ignore her. Pretend she isnt there.

SuperFlyHigh · 12/02/2015 17:04

I'd start mentioning stuff about a good care home....

SoonToBeMrsB · 12/02/2015 17:06

She phoned the British Embassy? OP I couldn't deal with having that bonkers woman in my life, you deserve a medal!

TheWitTank · 12/02/2015 17:07

Just tell her firmly you will be out, shut the curtains and hide behind the sofa. I would immature. No way I would be entertaining someone who treated me like crap on my day off. If the neighbours want to keep her all day then that's up to them! Your DH really needs to stand up for you too though, it's not fair.

SuperFlyHigh · 12/02/2015 17:07

SoonToBe - like I said, some great care homes out there!

SaucyJack · 12/02/2015 17:07

I'd let her come round on Friday meself tbh. If you can't be a spoilt, demanding cow on your birthday..... when can you?

The rest of it needs tackling tho. My PILs did the ringing continuously thing to me once. I put the smack down and they haven't done it again since.

PtolemysNeedle · 12/02/2015 17:15

If she comes round on Friday, let her sit downstairs and plan lots of nice stuff to do upstairs. Maybe a face mask, followed by a nice long bath and that sort of thing. Busy yourself and if she questions it, tell her that you are sticking to what you had planned for your day off, but that DH and dd will take her home at 3.00, as that is when the people she wants to see are available.

Vintagebeads · 12/02/2015 17:18

You can't do this on your own. If DH is not going to stand up to her what chance do you have against the two of them.

You need to ask yourself how far are you willing to take this? Because at the first frankly obvious suggestion of being out on Friday you came up with numerous reasons why you can't be out.
She sounds a nightmare, and I don't blame you at all for wanting change, but I couldn't look at my husband if he sat there and let me be ignored in front of my child.

SuperFlyHigh · 12/02/2015 17:22

I'm going to put a different spin on this and kill her with kindness after all it is her birthday tomorrow Maybe you could take her out for lunch.

I would however seriously have words with your DH and yes, maybe do mention a home. Maybe drip feed poison into his ears re that one...

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