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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Very difficult elderly mother-in law

70 replies

StormyLovesOdd · 12/02/2015 15:56

Bit of background ....

Have been with my DH for nearly 30 years, at the start of our relationship I really tried to get on with MIL but eventually gave up years ago as MIL is very controlling and passive aggressive in all her relationships but especially with my DH. MIL has alienated all her family over the years to the extent that she now only has one neighbour who still speaks to her plus me, DH and our DD (aged 7). FIL died years ago, MIL is in her 80.

Examples of her behaviour - MIL rings our house at least 10 times every day to chat to DH (he is out of work at the moment) if we leave to phone to go to voice mail she will just ring repeatedly until one of us answers if we dont answer she will turns up in a taxi and bang on the door until we let her in because she thinks something awful must have happened to DH. As well as putting up with all the phone calls my MIL comes to our house every Thursday to see DH and DD, she ignores me and theres always a horrible atmosphere. I get really down about it because she is so difficult, even dictating what we have to eat..... sigh. I have got to the stage where I cant even look at her without my blood boiling, I cant even stand the sound of her voice.

Anyway back to my man gripe .... Its MILs birthday on Friday and my day off work. I said she could come to our house on Thursday as usual (as I dont get home from work until 6pm on Thursdays) plus DH and DD would go and see her at her house on Friday after 3pm for her birthday.

Well MIL put the tears and the guilt on and said she couldnt possibly stay in her own house on her birthday so she would come to our house on Friday, she will probably turn up at about 10am and I will have her all day! My DH agrees that this is a pita but if we say no she will just pretend she didnt understand and turn up anyway, then there will be tears and accusations until I give in and let her stay.

I am so fed up of all this, its really effecting my life and our marriage. AIBU to say I want nothing more to do with this woman even though she has no one else and is very old.

OP posts:

capsium · 12/02/2015 17:26

Could you put a film on to watch? Then you don't have to speak much. Perhaps get yourself a DVD box set you could watch with her? Also have loads of your favourite food and drink to placate yourself with. You never know she might even fall asleep?

But in future your DH needs to book time off and maybe take her out for the day.

CatsClaus · 12/02/2015 17:35

if dh doesn't phone on his designated day my Ils will give it a couple of days and then call, Fil will say "Mil asked me to call" ...long pause to allow the moment to sink in... "to make sure Everyone (dh and or the kids) Is Alright"

..the capitals are very much implied.

I think you missed your chance with this particular battle axe if I'm honest.

Chattymummyhere · 12/02/2015 17:41

Just close the curtains and ignore.. unplug the landline and put the mobile on silent. Headphones and tv/music

DayLillie · 12/02/2015 17:47

My MIL had one of those - she spent most of her marriage (successfully) managing her, but had the firm support of her DH.

Original poster

StormyLovesOdd · 12/02/2015 18:19

I'll just have to do what I usually do and stay upstairs as much as possible I suppose. But it really narks me on my day off. I've told DH that she cannot come until after 2pm and she needs to leave after our DD has gone to bed at 7:30pm and that feels like a small victory.

MIL's issues are not age related, she has always been like this. I was 15 when I met DH and she hated me from the start, she's thrown all sorts of tantrums over the years from destroying my valentine card one year because it was bigger than her birthday card to pretending to be ill every single time we go on holiday.

I agree with whoever said I have missed the boat with tackling this but MIL wasn't really a big problem for me until my FIL died and me and DH had our DD. I went from seeing MIL 2 or 3 times a year to seeing her all the time. I tried to change things loads of times but DH and MIL both have mental Heath issues so I am stuck.

If I stay with DH I'm pretty much stuck with MIL too as she has no one else.

OP posts:

StickLady · 12/02/2015 18:23

Let her in and then be incredibly physically affectionate with her. Cuddle up to her. Try to feed her food. If she sits in an armchair sit by her feet and cuddle her knees. Ask intimate emotional questions. I give it 15 minutes before she cracks and leaves.

dreamingofsun · 12/02/2015 18:25

sorry to hear that. she does sound mental

CitySnicker · 12/02/2015 18:26

Hahaha

capsium · 12/02/2015 18:32

Could you book her a hair appointment? Hopefully for something that takes ages like a perm...then you can go shopping or something.

capsium · 12/02/2015 18:34

Or use the day to have your boiler serviced (or similar) and she can irritate the plumber instead of you...

StickLady · 12/02/2015 18:35

Spend the entire time "working on your song for x factor". Loudly.

Whatisaweekend · 12/02/2015 18:41

Hang on a sec, have I missed something here? You say that your DH is currently out of work? So I am guessing that he can be around?? Therefore it doesn't have to impact your day - let him deal with the witch.

Just go about your business as usual. She may be in the sitting room creating an atmosphere but you can just get on with whatever you usually do on your day off.

You have my sympathy though - she sounds unbearable.

Thedonkeyontherainbowsaidwoof · 12/02/2015 18:44

I appreciate that your MIL has been difficult in the past, however I do think from her behaviour it sounds as though she may be having some mental difficulties that may or may not be dementia related.

Calling 10 times a day and then panicking if you don't answer isn't normal behaviour.

I think you need to sit down with your DH and tell him that you have two problems, firstly that you are worried his DM is unwell and secondly that her behaviour is causing you stress.

Try to persuade him that he needs to take his mother to see her GP to discuss her behaviour.

I would also suggest that you seek out what support is available in her area. In some places there are day centres which will give your MIL somewhere to go. Some even have a minibus service which will collect her from home. If you give her something else to do or fixate on she might relax her grip a bit.

Does your DH have a mobile phone? If he does why can't you get your MIL to ring him instead of ringing you at home. If she doesn't want to speak to you anyway she should be happy with that. Then it's his problem if he doesn't answer - not yours. If she can't handle dialing a mobile number, get her one of those pre-programable phones for the elderly. The easiest ones have additional buttons that you can dedicate to a pre-programmed number, some will even let you insert a small photograph next to the button so she can have one with your DH's face on it.

I can understand why you don't want to have anything to do with her, but until your DH is on the same page as you I don't think there is much else you can do.

I hope you find a solution that works for you all.

Whatisaweekend · 12/02/2015 18:55

OP has said that she has known MIL for 30 years and she has always been like this! Dementia might explain this behaviour now that she is elderly but early onset is v rare. I speak as someone who arrived home post 2 am after a fantastic night out to discover my mother had rung the police 4 times..........I was in my early 20's!!! Nowt wrong with her, she is just ridiculously worried that I will be murdered or something. Fantastically annoying.

Fluffyears · 12/02/2015 19:06

My mil dies the constant phoning thing. I feel my heckles rise when phone starts as my mum texts or calls my mobile. DP didn't answer once as he was cooking so twenty minutes later it rung again (rings and rings till it cuts off) then he was having his dinner so didn't answer. If someone isn't in I call once then give it a few hours. She calls and calls till he answers, if I see her on caller ID I don't answer.

He can't even tell her he's having dinner and to callback because she just speaks over him telling him the same boring shite over and over till his dinner is cold as she is self absorbed. I feel your pain OP I'm just glad we're too far for her to get a taxi. I'd not let her in and hope nice neighbour is at work so she can't go there. If she does surely she won't sit there for over 5 hours?

Latara · 12/02/2015 19:14

Oh god you poor thing, she sounds awful. And there are so many actually really nice & sweet old 80something ladies around, it's a shame your MIL just isn't one of them. (That's what my mum said about her MIL - my nan).

Chillyegg · 12/02/2015 19:19

I don't know how you've managed to put up with it for so long! I'd personally draw the line after 30 years. If she comes over I'd just ignore her. It sounds really awful but she's got away with some really bad behaviour for 30 years! Just don't engage it's hard I know but goodness me you deserve a bloody break!

Original poster

StormyLovesOdd · 12/02/2015 19:20

DH is around as he is out of work but he has MH issues too (OCD) and spends hours in the bathroom washing his hands, I've noticed he's worse when MIL is around, his issues are related to his problems with her. We only have a small house with a lounge, hall and kitchen downstairs so there's nowhere to hide apart from upstairs.

Donkey - I tried getting her to socialise when FIL died but she won't even consider it, she just wants to be with DH. I think she should see a GP but she isn't even registered, that is part of her MH issues but she won't face her demons and I think she's too old to change now.

Whatisaweekend / fluffy - sounds very similar.

I don't think there's much I can do but it's good to have somewhere I can come and moan about the whole situation.

OP posts:

CarbeDiem · 12/02/2015 20:17

Okay, so Dh can't/won't say anything so why don't you.

Please don't call and call if nobody answers it means we're busy or out. Also can you stop putting on our neighbours, it's rather embarrassing.
We'd also appreciate if you left us alone (other than actual real emergencies) while we are on holiday - it's the only chance we get for a break together and quite frankly you ruin it.
Our world does not revolve you, you're welcome to come at prearranged times but please understand that I've had more than enough of your behaviour and if you persist then I'll be forced to speak to someone about care homes because I'll no longer believe that someone would be so selfish on purpose, hence it must be a dementia issue.
Also IF anything ever happens to your son/grand daughter then believe me I WILL contact you as soon as I can - you don't need to worry yourself silly and let your imagination run wild.

If that has no effect then you're fucked.
Seriously, if it doesn't then your Dh has to step up. In your shoes if he didn't I'd seriously consider leaving him. Yes, he may have MH issues but you really could do with his support here.

Good luck

TheAnswerIsYes · 12/02/2015 20:37

Fuck me, I don't know how you've managed it but I feel sorry for the old bat. All she wants to do is spend her birthday with the few people she loves. Even if she has always been a mad pain in the arse she is a lonely old lady.

A lot of what you have said resonates as I avoid my MIL when I can. I make my excuses and DH takes the LO over to see her. But on her birthday I will make the effort to smile, wish her happy birthday and facilitate DH and LO spending time with her. She's old, she won't be around that much longer, you can be nice on one day a year.

Given all that I would tell your DH to take her out somewhere in the morning so you don't have to spend the whole day with her. It's him she's coming to see.

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 12/02/2015 20:43

I would give her a good birthday, and think of it as the last day in the way things are now and set new boundaries. Tell your DH you will unplug the phone, switch the lights off and pretend to be out if she comes round in a taxi on days she is not invited.

Your DH needs to be 100% on your side over this one, OCD or not.

capsium · 12/02/2015 20:48

It could be an OKish day. Out with DH in the morning. Perhaps he could pick her up from her house and take a leisurely 'memory lane' type tour round past her old haunts. Or pick her up and drop her off at the hairdressers, if she would like that. Then out for a pub lunch with you. Then a film in the afternoon she would like. Then her and DH could pick up your DD and go back to her place for cake.

MadisonMontgomery · 12/02/2015 21:24

Seriously just stick her in a care home.

capsium · 12/02/2015 21:26

Might be more easily said than done Madison...

Original poster

StormyLovesOdd · 12/02/2015 21:41

MIL is strong, fit and (probably) physically healthier than I am, just slightly unhinged and very difficult.

OP posts:

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