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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Very difficult elderly mother-in law

70 replies

StormyLovesOdd · 12/02/2015 15:56

Bit of background ....

Have been with my DH for nearly 30 years, at the start of our relationship I really tried to get on with MIL but eventually gave up years ago as MIL is very controlling and passive aggressive in all her relationships but especially with my DH. MIL has alienated all her family over the years to the extent that she now only has one neighbour who still speaks to her plus me, DH and our DD (aged 7). FIL died years ago, MIL is in her 80.

Examples of her behaviour - MIL rings our house at least 10 times every day to chat to DH (he is out of work at the moment) if we leave to phone to go to voice mail she will just ring repeatedly until one of us answers if we dont answer she will turns up in a taxi and bang on the door until we let her in because she thinks something awful must have happened to DH. As well as putting up with all the phone calls my MIL comes to our house every Thursday to see DH and DD, she ignores me and theres always a horrible atmosphere. I get really down about it because she is so difficult, even dictating what we have to eat..... sigh. I have got to the stage where I cant even look at her without my blood boiling, I cant even stand the sound of her voice.

Anyway back to my man gripe .... Its MILs birthday on Friday and my day off work. I said she could come to our house on Thursday as usual (as I dont get home from work until 6pm on Thursdays) plus DH and DD would go and see her at her house on Friday after 3pm for her birthday.

Well MIL put the tears and the guilt on and said she couldnt possibly stay in her own house on her birthday so she would come to our house on Friday, she will probably turn up at about 10am and I will have her all day! My DH agrees that this is a pita but if we say no she will just pretend she didnt understand and turn up anyway, then there will be tears and accusations until I give in and let her stay.

I am so fed up of all this, its really effecting my life and our marriage. AIBU to say I want nothing more to do with this woman even though she has no one else and is very old.

OP posts:

MagratsHair · 12/02/2015 21:47

Have you considered a home? If she is living alone still it must be very lonely and a home would give her company and structure and may help her anxiety. Plus the staff could manage the phone calls and deal with (or access medication) if needed.

I don't see why you should constantly be dealing with this, if you suggest a home what will your husband say?

DesmondTututoo · 12/02/2015 21:50

I would move the car away, and stay in. Ignore the knocking on the door. Then at about 4:00 your dh can phone the neighbours/her mobile and say "sorry he's missed her on her birthday too" but why wasn't she in as you'd said that was what you were doing.

And later let the neighbours know what had happened, if you're on good terms with them then they'll probably be much more sympathetic than you imagine.

MoanCollins · 12/02/2015 22:07

My Gran was like this with my Dad. They moved to the other end of the country. It was extreme but it worked to some extent. They would take the phone off the hook at night. These days you could get a caller ID and mute it.

Original poster

StormyLovesOdd · 12/02/2015 22:07

Tempting as it is I just couldn't leave her to my neighbours, I know they would look after her but she's not their problem.

Magrats - DH did suggest a sheltered housing type home to her after one of her tantrums last year. She cried and screamed at us both for an hour until she calmed down.

MIL is terrified of being old and dying so much so that she refuses to even acknowledge the fact that she is old. For instance she is adamant that her jet black obviously dyed hair is natural, she's so scared of illness that she wouldn't even visit FIL when he was dying in hospital.

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 12/02/2015 22:26

You cannot just put someone in a care home because they're unpleasant and you don't like them.

It doesn't work like that.

As always, the problem here isn't the MiL, it's the DH.

NaiceVillageOfTheDammed · 12/02/2015 22:36

Could you get DH some help for his OCD/mh issues? He'd be happier and might acquire some coping strategies with his DM.

Pack some sandwiches and mooch around the shops/hide in the library.

thegreylady · 12/02/2015 22:52

She is in her 80s, lonely, scared and incredibly demanding. She wants to spend her birthday with the only people she has left. She clings to your dh because he is a constant for her, a bridge between the past and the present. She doesn't like you because she is no longer number one in her son's life so the bridge can be a bit wobbly.
I think that, for her birthday you should just have her round. Get a couple of films she might like and a nice cake/ chocs. Establish her in front of the tv with lots of tea/ coffee and keep reminding yourself that she won't be around for too many birthdays.

jasmineramsden · 12/02/2015 23:20

Oh yes, cos there's funding available for home placements willy nilly "hello social services, yes my mother in law is a pain in the arse, can you put her in a care home please"

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 12/02/2015 23:38

Oh I'd hate to be in your shoes!!!
Could you humor her on her birthday, and lie low for rest of the month???
Really, do whatever you think is best. You are in a tough situation.

LineRunner · 12/02/2015 23:57

You need to sort out this nonsensical situation with the neighbours.

Have you actually spoken to them, and told them to not let her in?

Sazzle41 · 13/02/2015 05:49

Do what greylady says for her birthday to be the better person. Then explain to your neighbours , that you mother just turns up so could they not let her wait as you dont want to impose on them and its making matters worse as she knows they will let her in:they will understand.

My mum had this with her mum. Thats is, Grandma lived 2hours away and often demanded she visit at any time and then stay for a week each time. My DM cracked after a while and said no but she still turned up and neighbour told them we had gone to planned event. She never did it again. We also got round the constant phone calls by having a rigid set time once a week (to suit us, not her). If she got that she didnt pester on other days as she knew she'd get her fix every Wed at 8pm. You might find same with visits, have a set schedule agreed so that you can always say you are making the effort but it cant all be her way.

SuperFlyHigh · 13/02/2015 11:23

jasmine I didn't say SS should pay for a care home did I?! Maybe sheltered housing, retirement flat with a warden (like my nana lived in) would be useful for OP's MIL though.

When my nana moved into her bought retirement flat they had bingo evenings, afternoon teas every afternoon, other social events and a warden on site. Certainly takes pressure off other relatives.

SuperFlyHigh · 13/02/2015 11:24

what was good is that with these events the old women made friends/could keep independence etc rather than badger their relatives into oblivion!

rumbleinthrjungle · 13/02/2015 11:55

There are a lot of options for sheltered housing that isn't 'going into a home'. My grandfather decided to sell his house and pay instead for a sheltered housing flat because he was lonely and bored, and getting depressed. He very much enjoyed the company and the events that went on, the dining room and 'eating out' there when he felt like it, and the social life. It was lovely to see him enjoy the new lease of life it gave him.

SuperFlyHigh · 13/02/2015 12:44

rumble - I agree - i think the security of having a warden is comfort for a lot of elderly people and also the company (a few single residents were a bit keep themselves to themselves!) is great too. After my nana's companion died my nana found the company and support of other residents invaluable.

dixiechick1975 · 13/02/2015 12:55

Has she always been like this or is it worsening with age?

Could it be dementia. I know my gran used to turn up at my primary school at odd hours (and was taken in by a kind neighbour) when she was ill.

Phoning repeatedly, contacting embassy and screaming at you for an hour is not normal behaviour.

No idea where you go from here. Could your DH speak to her GP practice for advice or social services.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 13/02/2015 13:30

Is today her birthday or is it next week?

Wishing you well irrespective of that. I don't envy you one iota.

SaucyMare · 13/02/2015 13:37

Sorry if it has been said but libraries are fantastic, warm and full of books, you are very welcome to just sit there ALL day, newspapers, magazines and the internet :)

MoanCollins · 13/02/2015 19:41

I hate to say it but she sounds like she needs treating like a toddler. Lay down the law, tell her you are seeing her once an week and she must not turn up at your house because you will put her in a taxi straight home.

If she has a tantrum just let her scream it out. Don't react. Like a toddler she needs to learn that bad behaviour won't get her what she wants.

LuluJakey1 · 13/02/2015 20:18

Tell her she can't come round until tea time as you are going out. Explain to your neighbours that you are going out and will not be back until tea time- so they know not to let her in.

Go out. Go anywhere- shopping centre, library, coffee shop, museum, for a walk. What she does is not your problem. Get home after DH.

Don't indulge her. Your DH should be supporting you.

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