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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask DH not to share my medical information with PIL?

63 replies

Dontwanttopanic · 12/02/2015 08:49

I would be very grateful for some perspective here, as I feel a bit like I'm losing sight of the woods for the trees.

My relationship with PIL has been a little strained for the last year or two, primarily because I feel that they have little respect for our privacy and autonomy.

Over the last few weeks I've had a cancer scare. It turns out that it's ok. They have removed the pre-cancerous cells from my cervix and I'm happy and relieved that it's all sorted out. It was however not a very pleasant time whilst we were waiting for the results. Dd is very young and I was very worried about what would happen.

I found out this morning that DH has discussed this with MIL. I certainly wouldn't have planned to tell PIL and I really wish he hadn't told them without asking me. To be fair to DH, MIL very sadly has cancer and I think DH possibly felt that she was therefore an appropriate person to talk to about it. But am I being unreasonable to be a bit annoyed? MIL is very open about her symptoms and treatments and that's totally fair enough -everyone has their own way of dealing with things. She's obviously having a very tough time right now and that's very sad and she needs whatever support she wants - but I don't really want to talk about my own scare and definitely not with PIL. Am I unreasonable to be a bit surprised that he told her, or am I being precious? In case it's relevant,I've told my parents but not my siblings.

I feel like a total witch for thinking these these things when MIL is ill, but I think I've just been pushed over the edge this morning by an email from SIL announcing that she thinks we need to have a birthday party for FIL at our house. Last time this happened, the party went on for 5 days, whilst I was heavily pregnant. There were 70 people staying in our house /in the hotel across the road but coming to us for meals and daytime activities. I don't think we can do it again.

Logically, I know these two things are unrelated but I feel a bit like our lives and our home are seen as being some kind of weirdly communal resource. I probably am being totally and bonkersly unreasonable -feel free to tell me so!

OP posts:

diddl · 12/02/2015 08:59

From your husbands POV, he was more than likely worried & needed someone to talk to.

i do get you though as I have the same feeling about my PILs knowing stuff.

But I think that you have to see it from your husband's pov.

Although I'd be annoyed if he told them just for the sake of it or because he thought that they ought to know iyswim.

As for FILs bday. Just no, that doesn't work.

Sounds as if boundaries need putting up!!

Kundry · 12/02/2015 09:01

If you didn't tell your DH that you wanted it kept secret, it's unreasonable to think he wouldn't talk about it with his parents.

However holding a birthday party for FIL - no way!

bringmejoy2015 · 12/02/2015 09:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

molyholy · 12/02/2015 09:04

I think your DH needed someone to talk to, so although you are p'd off about it, I would let it go,

Re FILs bday party - Tell them to 'do one', in the nicest possible way of course!

Tangerineandturquoise · 12/02/2015 09:07

I think maybe also remind your DH that his mum may not have the emotional capacity to handle your cancer scare and your feelings as parents of what will happen to your DD, because she is going through her own shit. She would probably never say that to him- but with all the worries she has, he could have picked someone else to talk to.

MissDuke · 12/02/2015 09:09

If dh knew you wouldn't want it talked about then he shouldn't have. If he didn't know, then I don't think you can blame him.

A 70 person, 5 day long party? Is this for real???? How on earth could you physically entertain and feed 70 people? I find this quite bizarre, but no I wouldn't be agreeing to it (unless it is all handled by staff) as I am suspicious you are Kate Middleton

stinkingbishop · 12/02/2015 09:10

If I were you, I wouldn't be cross with DH/PILs. The two most important women in his life are/have been ill and he'll be terrified. He'll see his Mum as expert, given she's suffering too. And your ILs will be worried too - for you, for him, for the DCs.

But I totally get why you're upset - that your body/house/daily life/time (I understand why you're conflating this and the party) seem to be public property when they should be private.

I don't think there's a shred of malice anywhere. Just not thinking tings through from your perspective. So I'd just talk to DP and say how you'd prefer to decide when intimate details are shared (but say this in an understanding way, you know why he did it, is there any other way he can get support? counselling? don't tell him off) and that the party just isn't possible, your little family needs to retreat to the bunker for a while, you're knackered etc.

Good luck OP x

TwoOddSocks · 12/02/2015 09:12

YANBU but if your husband just wanted someone to talk to when he was worried or he was just trying to support his mum then perhaps he WNBU either.

You sound similar to me, I like my privacy and hate any intrusion on my home that I'm not in control over. In my case I'm a bit of a door mat and have trouble saying no. Once I assert myself (nicely course) I feel less defensive about my privacy and my home. Easier said than done I know.

Say no to the party or offer to arrange a restaurant or something that won't encroach on your home, then if this over sharing thing is a once off maybe let it go.

BathtimeFunkster · 12/02/2015 09:14

If your DH had a cancer scare, would you want to talk to your mum about it?

You'd probably need someone to talk to, because it would also be a scary and upsetting time for you, but you couldn't put that onto him.

It doesn't sound like he told his mum just to keep her in the loop, but that she was his support through a difficult time.

The party is unrelated, except it hints at a history of your husband putting you in shitty situations to keep his family happy.

I think you should talk to him seriously about the party demand, tell him it won't be happening, and give him the job of tking his sister.

wowfudge · 12/02/2015 09:17

What is it with some people volunteering other people's resources for events/lifts, etc? (There was another thread earlier this week about a student trying to get a classmate to give another student a lift.) If SIL wants a party, she should host it. I'd tell her you feel it is someone else's turn.

Optimist1 · 12/02/2015 09:17

It sounds as though the two families have very different approaches to sharing information. Neither approach is "right" or "wrong" - just different. You need to point out to your DH that you have stricter boundaries about such stuff and that he really should check with you before sharing info with others.

I have no input whatever for the issue of your FIL's birthday - the thought of a 5-day bash for 70 is way beyond my experience!

BarbarianMum · 12/02/2015 09:50

^This. But also, who^ are you happy for dh to talk about it with (other than you). Supporting a partner through a cancer scare is hard and frightening and you damn well can't share those feelings with your partner. A couple of years ago dh started bleeding and underwent a period of testing for bladder/kidney/prostate/testicular cancer - thankfully all negative in the end. He needed my support but I needed support too - in the end he allowed me to tell 1 friend and cry a lot to the lovely nurse at Prostate Cancer UK He was very embarrassed about the whole thing as it involved parts of his body he'd rather remained private but hey, ho, that couldn't be helped.

grocklebox · 12/02/2015 10:17

I don't think your health information is yours alone, by any stretch. Your health scare is also a big deal for your husband, and its entirely normal for him to talk to his ma about it. Unless of course you had specifically asked him not to. He's your support, but he also needs some of his own.
The other issue is entirely seperate.

DayLillie · 12/02/2015 10:25

Since your DH has already shared your medical information, I would use it to advantage, and say that recent events have taken their toll, so you are not up to hosting a party, and suggest they go to a hotel instead.

tumbletumble · 12/02/2015 10:30

Definitely say no to the party.

If my DH had a cancer scare, I would want to be able to talk to my mum about it, and would be sad if he forbid me to but still expected to be able to tell his parents. It's your choice, but I think YAB a bit U.

shushpenfold · 12/02/2015 10:31

I think you're being not unreasonable, but you are being unrealistic to imagine that your DH doesn't want to share possibly awful news with his parents.

Point number two however re: the party. Tell them that 'No, I'm terribly sorry but that won't be happening at my house'. SIL can host if she wants to or you can go to a hotel/hall etc. No overnight guests, you're not a hotel.

chinstrappenguin · 12/02/2015 10:37

Maybe in all the upset of your scare your DH just felt the need to offload on his parents rather then you when you were already under alot of strain. Unless he is always sharing your personal life I would let this one go. Glad things are ok for you

chinstrappenguin · 12/02/2015 10:38

No to the party though!

Bananayellow · 12/02/2015 10:39

You told your parents about something that was worrying you, he told his, about something worrying him. Exactly the same, unless you had told him not to, and he deliberately did the opposite.

Just say no to the party. They ANBU to ask and YANBU to say no.

TheGirlInTheGlass · 12/02/2015 10:46

YABOS, one would assume because of the stress of MIL being ill and an overbearing SIL.
Talk to DH, maybe he just needed support, parents are a natural go-to for some people.
Tell SIL you'd can't wait to help celebrate, plan, etc. Then you're being supportive, but are also around to steer her firmly away from you being a host and catering venue.

Marcelinewhyareyousomean · 12/02/2015 10:53

Your health information is yours to share. Whilst your dh may have needed support, he should have checked with you first to see if was first. Given your relationship, he probably knew it wasn't something you would talk to his family about and I think he was in the wrong. I also think it was thoughtless towards his mum.

People deal with things in different ways but people can be so strangely selfish and self absorbed in their desire for information and gossip. The same woman asked me three separate times if my mum had a lump removed or her whole breast. None of her fecking business which is what I told her. The information you want out there, is totally up to you.

Sil can host, you've had your turn.

Sethspeaks · 12/02/2015 11:05

I get what you mean about the sharing of information. I completely understand the need for dp to share mine with his mum, it's what she does with it that's the problem for me. The more she knows, the more she goes on about how "awful", "traumatic" or "terrifying" things are. They're not emotions I'm feeling, but it doesn't matter how positive I am or even what I talk about, she imposes her view of how she thinks I "should" be feeling.

Not everyone has close families who are able to offer support, so to everyone saying of course he will look to his mum for support - that isn't a given. Mine has no idea that I have my diagnosis. And I think if someone is choosing to keep any health issues private, that should be respected. I do get though the need for a partner to get support at times like this though.

I wonder if the reason you have an issue over it is that for someone who keeps things like this private, it can be difficult to then go amongst people who might talk about it openly when you just don't want to. I used to be like this, I'm very open these days, but I do remember how it felt to be with people and hoping they just stayed off the topic as I didn't want to go there.

LucilleBluth · 12/02/2015 11:11

Why is it that men are meant to bottle up emotions or only rely on their wives, it's utter madness......of course he would seek support from his mum, especially as she is going through/ has been through a similar experience.

I swear to God this is men start wars.

As for the part YANBU.....glad you're ok OP.

LucilleBluth · 12/02/2015 11:12

Bloody I pad why and party arggggg

Thumbwitch · 12/02/2015 11:18

I understand why you wouldn't want your DH to talk to his mother about it - depending on how discreet she is, really.

When I was first pg with DS1, I didn't want DH to tell his mother when he saw her because it was still too early, but he felt he couldn't hold it in - so I said ok, tell her but tell her to keep quiet about it. All I can say is it's a bloody good job I didn't have any relatives in Australia or they'd have heard about it within 2 days on the grapevine! She has no concept of privacy. As I later discovered when she told her sister, who then told all her family, about the next pg, which I miscarried (she told them that too) .

So I tell DH that he is not to discuss my health issues with his mother without my say-so - and in general I'll reserve telling him about any worries I might have until I absolutely have to, so he doesn't blab to his mother. Now I live in the vicinity, who knows who it might get to whom I actually know!

Re. the birthday - no fucking way.

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