to ask DH not to share my medical information with PIL?

[Dontwanttopanic]

I would be very grateful for some perspective here, as I feel a bit like I'm losing sight of the woods for the trees.

My relationship with PIL has been a little strained for the last year or two, primarily because I feel that they have little respect for our privacy and autonomy.

Over the last few weeks I've had a cancer scare. It turns out that it's ok. They have removed the pre-cancerous cells from my cervix and I'm happy and relieved that it's all sorted out. It was however not a very pleasant time whilst we were waiting for the results. Dd is very young and I was very worried about what would happen.

I found out this morning that DH has discussed this with MIL. I certainly wouldn't have planned to tell PIL and I really wish he hadn't told them without asking me. To be fair to DH, MIL very sadly has cancer and I think DH possibly felt that she was therefore an appropriate person to talk to about it. But am I being unreasonable to be a bit annoyed? MIL is very open about her symptoms and treatments and that's totally fair enough -everyone has their own way of dealing with things. She's obviously having a very tough time right now and that's very sad and she needs whatever support she wants - but I don't really want to talk about my own scare and definitely not with PIL. Am I unreasonable to be a bit surprised that he told her, or am I being precious? In case it's relevant,I've told my parents but not my siblings.

I feel like a total witch for thinking these these things when MIL is ill, but I think I've just been pushed over the edge this morning by an email from SIL announcing that she thinks we need to have a birthday party for FIL at our house. Last time this happened, the party went on for 5 days, whilst I was heavily pregnant. There were 70 people staying in our house /in the hotel across the road but coming to us for meals and daytime activities. I don't think we can do it again.

Logically, I know these two things are unrelated but I feel a bit like our lives and our home are seen as being some kind of weirdly communal resource. I probably am being totally and bonkersly unreasonable -feel free to tell me so!

I am of the thought that it is unfair to ask my husband to not discuss an issue we have with someone else if it is worrying him. My husband has bi-polar and I am sure he would rather my mum not know certain things but I need support at times and it would be unfair of him to ask me not to talk about it. I know that is an ongoing thing but if he had a health scare I would still want to talk it through with my mum and then I will be stronger and better able to support him.

YANBU about the party.

I agree bringmejoy2015. The default position should be that someone's medical history is private and it should only be shared with the person's permission.

In 'normal' families where children get along with their parents, isn't it usual to share worries?

What's normal though? What happens in your family? I get along with my parents, but no I don't share worries. I do that with friends and my partner. That's just the way we are and it's our 'normal'.

And just because you don't care about sharing of information Confusedinbath, it doesn't mean that others are precious for not wanting to. They just don't feel the same way as you.

Medical information is legally only available to the patient.
You and you alone get to decide who knows what.

So you have every right to ask your DH not to discuss your medical/personal issues with his parents, it doesn't sound like you had this conversation with him prior though and it doesn't sound like he was aware of your feelings.

As for the party WTAF !!!

My default position would be to share worries with my parents. If DH wanted privacy then as long as he asked me then fine, but I would need asking.
So Op, our default positions are opposite. I don't think either are wrong. We just need to communicate these with our partners.

Bananayellow I disagree that neither "default" position is wrong. It shouldn't be anyone's default position to share another person's confidential medical history with other people unless they have permission.

Its fine to want to keep this to yourself- better to have discussed it with DH first though!

whats happening about the party ????

We've offered to help find a village hall. I just can't do it again! Thanks for the replies - I do appreciate posters having taken the time to comment.

I had the same thing, and in exactly the same way my DP told his mum. I was so upset, these things are absolutely private and if he was going to tell her he should have asked you first. YANBU.