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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask DH not to share my medical information with PIL?

63 replies

Dontwanttopanic · 12/02/2015 08:49

I would be very grateful for some perspective here, as I feel a bit like I'm losing sight of the woods for the trees.

My relationship with PIL has been a little strained for the last year or two, primarily because I feel that they have little respect for our privacy and autonomy.

Over the last few weeks I've had a cancer scare. It turns out that it's ok. They have removed the pre-cancerous cells from my cervix and I'm happy and relieved that it's all sorted out. It was however not a very pleasant time whilst we were waiting for the results. Dd is very young and I was very worried about what would happen.

I found out this morning that DH has discussed this with MIL. I certainly wouldn't have planned to tell PIL and I really wish he hadn't told them without asking me. To be fair to DH, MIL very sadly has cancer and I think DH possibly felt that she was therefore an appropriate person to talk to about it. But am I being unreasonable to be a bit annoyed? MIL is very open about her symptoms and treatments and that's totally fair enough -everyone has their own way of dealing with things. She's obviously having a very tough time right now and that's very sad and she needs whatever support she wants - but I don't really want to talk about my own scare and definitely not with PIL. Am I unreasonable to be a bit surprised that he told her, or am I being precious? In case it's relevant,I've told my parents but not my siblings.

I feel like a total witch for thinking these these things when MIL is ill, but I think I've just been pushed over the edge this morning by an email from SIL announcing that she thinks we need to have a birthday party for FIL at our house. Last time this happened, the party went on for 5 days, whilst I was heavily pregnant. There were 70 people staying in our house /in the hotel across the road but coming to us for meals and daytime activities. I don't think we can do it again.

Logically, I know these two things are unrelated but I feel a bit like our lives and our home are seen as being some kind of weirdly communal resource. I probably am being totally and bonkersly unreasonable -feel free to tell me so!

OP posts:

Thumbwitch · 12/02/2015 11:22

Oh and another story from my family - my Mum this time - she lost her second baby at near term after and emergency C-section, the baby wasn't ever going to live, sadly. But that didn't stop my paternal grandmother from bitching to her other DIL about my mother's "bad blood". It wasn't anything to do with blood, it was a virally-induced malformation, apparently; but they used it as a stick to beat her with for years. How Mum laughed when she found out that her BIL (Dad's brother, and husband of bitchy "other DIL") actually had the same blood type as she did - only he did have a blood condition that later killed him (She didn't laugh about that bit!)

Bluepants · 12/02/2015 11:27

Ok the birthday is ridiculous and you need to put your foot down about that.

The cancer - I can understand your dh feelings here and think given the circumstances it was a reasonable thing for him to think was ok to discuss. If you have any future health issues you would prefer him not to discuss, then tell him at the time so he knows your wishes clearly. I would let what's already happened go because he must have been very upset and he did not do it out of malice.

Original poster

Dontwanttopanic · 12/02/2015 11:56

I absolutely don't think he did it out of malice. Honestly, now, he is a truly lovely man. What I am more upset about is that, as I say, there have been some, er, tensions over such issues recently and DH and I have had a number of disagreements on the subject. Given that context, I feel that perhaps he could have chosen someone else, perhaps a close friend, from whom to get some support. Perhaps that is the bit that makes me unreasonable? I actually don't know any more - I do appreciate that this is perhaps all caught up in the wider issue.

This morning's email was not in any way unusual - I think it's perhaps the third such one we've had in the last year from DH's family (both his nuclear family and extended). That's just an example of what I mean when I say that our house is, and lives are, treated as communal. I feel like I've spent the last year trying to put in place reasonable boundaries and bending over backwards to try to prevent the situation with his parents blowing up. Whilst it's true that I hadn't specifically asked DH not to talk to his parents about this, it makes me feel a bit rubbish about it all and as though everything I've said about wanting a bit more privacy is being completely ignored. You're right, though, he probably did need support. I just would liked him to have talked to me about it first.

OP posts:

Original poster

Dontwanttopanic · 12/02/2015 11:58

But I should have said, sorry - I'm really very sorry to hear the sad stories of previous posters. I'm afraid that I can't work out how to insert a bunch of flowers but please know that I am metaphorically sending them over and wishing you all the best.

OP posts:

Marcelinewhyareyousomean · 12/02/2015 12:03

I'm not suggesting that in the same circumstance my dh should not have sought support. He did check first though. Neither my in laws or parents know and that's my call.

From the information provided by the op, her dh must have already been aware that she wouldn't have wanted this discussed. At the very least, he should have talked to his wife before he talked about her private medical business. I disagree with previous posters saying that the op should have explicitly said she didn't want this divulged or maybe even not yet. If my best friend says not to say anything, I would clarify if she includes my dh.

Clarabell33 · 12/02/2015 12:14

I think YANBU on both counts but you should make it really clear to DH that you'd prefer in future that he keeps your personal info to himself, or at least picks someone more neutral to get support from than your MIL, if possible - if not, then to ask you if it's ok first rather than just spill. I'm sometimes quite surprised by how much DH feels it's ok to share with his DM - not even serious stuff, just stuff that I wouldn't want my own parents to know, so definitely don't want MIL to know. Have said this to DH and either he's stopped oversharing with MIL, or I just don't find out about it.

Re the party, just no. Surely it's not your turn again already? Is there a particular reason she feels you have to host it rather than doing it herself/at a neutral venue? Will it all kick off if you say you can't do it this time?

Hissy · 12/02/2015 12:15

I sincerely wish you all the very best of luck in all this.

I too think that your DH acted instinctively and went to his mum, knowing she too had some insight and might help him process.

I don't get this as malicious or a betrayal, more a knee jerk and a panic, and a revert to an earlier time, where parents make things better. I hope you are able to talk this through and he'll understand that you and he need to talk and agree on what is and isn't said to others.

WRT the party, a short and to the point reply 'No, we'll not be hosting a party, thanks.'

and then refuse to engage on the subject.

life really CAN be that simple. Just say NO.

(((hug)))

skylark2 · 12/02/2015 12:37

" There were 70 people staying in our house /in the hotel across the road but coming to us for meals and daytime activities. I don't think we can do it again."

I think you're a saint for doing it the first time. Just say no. If they all loved the hotel and want to go back, maybe it has a room that could be hired for the daytime activities and surely it does meals?

As far as the cancer discussion goes - I think if my DH had a very serious health scare I'd need someone to talk to and it would probably be my mum.

PtolemysNeedle · 12/02/2015 12:40

YANBU about the party, but if you love your husband then I can't see why you wouldn't want him to get the support he feels he needs when something difficult is going on.

You're married, so a horrible thing happening to one of you affects both of you I think it's a bit mean to try and dictate who he should and shouldn't get support from.

Marynary · 12/02/2015 12:47

I would be furious if DH discussed my health with anyone without discussing it with me first. Maybe I'm biased because I'm a healthcare professional but in my opinion that is something you just don't do. The fact that he is affected by your health is not an excuse - if anyone who is affected is free to discuss with who they pleased, where would it end? That said, he probably didn't realise it was the wrong thing to do so I would just make it clear that you are very unhappy and he had better not do it again.
I wouldn't be happy about the party either- tell your SIL to organise it somewhere else.

melika · 12/02/2015 12:48

No to the party.

Tell your DH not to divulge anymore of your business, unless you have okayed it.

Nanny0gg · 12/02/2015 13:34

In 'normal' families where children get along with their parents, isn't it usual to share worries?

If it had been the OP's husband with the health problem, wouldn't it be totally normal for her to turn to her own mum? What's the difference?

Or is that just my family?

I am really pleased for Dontwanttopanic that her health news is now good.

As to the party and other boundries, I think she needs to have a very firm chat with her DH and things clearly need to change.

EllieQ · 12/02/2015 13:41

I think YANBU. I'm a very private person and I've been upset with DH before for sharing stuff with his parents, even though we get on well. In my case in was something about my mum's health, which PIL had mentioned to DH's aunt, who then asked me about it. I'm sure it wasn't meant maliciously in any way - aunt was a nurse so might have been asking as a way of offering her expertise, but I was really thrown by it.

I know what you mean about having a DH who over-shares with his parents, especially if your own relationship with your parents is more reserved. Sometimes I hear him chatting to them and wonder why he needs to tell them so much detail about our lives, especially when it brings criticism (DH mentions some DIY that needs doing; FIL lectures him on what he should do and what to avoid even though DH is good at DIY!). However when I ask DH not to mention something, he always listens.

As for the party, I think you should just tell SIL it's her turn to host! Can't believe you had to host a five-day party while heavily pregnant - how much of the work did DH do?

ToffeeCaramel · 12/02/2015 13:45

Hi SIL

I think you need to hold the party at your house. Look forward to it. Let us know date and time.

Original poster

Dontwanttopanic · 12/02/2015 13:55

Nanny0gg, that's an interesting point. Usually, I would have said that my family are closer than DH's. There has in fact been an equivalent event a few years ago relating to DH's health. Of course I would have liked to talk to my mum about it - generally, I am close to my mum and we talk about lots of things. The difference being that I didn't talk to her about DH's health issue, and wouldn't have done so, because it felt that that would have been an unacceptable invasion of DH's privacy.

OP posts:

Original poster

Dontwanttopanic · 12/02/2015 13:56

ToffeeCaramel, all hell would break loose, but I love the idea!

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 12/02/2015 13:58

Did you ask your DH if you could talk to her or did you just keep it to yourselves?

Original poster

Dontwanttopanic · 12/02/2015 14:05

I don't think I asked - it just seemed to me at the time to be blindingly obvious that it wasn't something for me to be sharing and that it was up to DH to control how much or how little information he wanted to share with people. Maybe that was wrong...?

OP posts:

Lovemycatsandkids · 12/02/2015 14:07

I understand op.

My dh had severe anxiety and panic attacks and took time off work. He wanted it kept quiet and I told no one as I respected his privacy.

It's your body and your news to share or not.

As for the party just say no not again it's your turn. I loved ToffeeCaramels post.

So what if all hell breaks loose??? Better hell than a party for 70 over 5 days. That's insane.

grocklebox · 12/02/2015 14:14

It's not wrong as such, but then neither is the opposite. Everyone has a different idea on things like this, there is no right or wrong. But he's not a mind reader and can't know what yuor feeling is on the matter if you haven't told him.

diddl · 12/02/2015 14:21

Thinking on though, if her husband knows how she feels, perhaps there's a way of getting support without divulging too much.

It's hard when the two things cross over.

bringmejoy2015 · 12/02/2015 15:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

darlingfascistbullyboy · 12/02/2015 16:38

yanbu ... I'd be incredibly disappointed with dh if he chose to share my health concerns with his family but he knows how incredibly private I am about stuff like that so it would be a big deal.

He (& the rest of his family) are the absolute opposite - complete over sharers - & he in turn has been miffed that I really don't want to talk about his mum's bowels or his dad's gout. It's taken us a while to reach an acceptable level of information sharing (it doesn't help that I'm a hcp & they all think I should be fascinated by their colonoscopy results or random pains).

diddl · 12/02/2015 17:11

"He (& the rest of his family) are the absolute opposite - complete over sharers"

That's the problem, isn't it?

It's all very well turning to someone for support.

It's what they then do with the info that's the problem!

woollytights · 12/02/2015 18:41

Your in laws don't sound horrible or malicious from what youve said. I think you've been through a tough time, all of you have. Imagine if MIL and your DH had kept her illness a secret from you, would you have found it awful that she wanted to hide it from you because she viewed you as intrusive?

You don't need to be rude about the party suggestion like some posters have suggested! If you don't want to do it just say so, it doesn't have to be a row. It doesnt sound as though shes been particularly forceful or threatening about it. Certainly if she thought badly of you she wouldnt want to come to your house for a party. Just explain youre not up for hosting it at the house and suggest some other venues.

Also, 70 people coming over to your house for meals over 5 days? Do you live in a palace? I can fit about 6 adults in my living room and even thats a bit too snug. Extraordinary.

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