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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

*Trigger* I'm not being U am I?

33 replies

NameChangedJustForThis1425 · 11/02/2015 17:12

I've finally plucked up the courage to report my DS's father for rape. It happened when I first found out I was pregnant.

I don't count the time he inserted it into my anus as he stopped when I cried, he was drunk I said no but it's not rape is it?
It happened once or twice I've kind of blocked it out and the sexual assault once or twice

I said something when I reported him for harassment in October 2011 and I was told he didn't class it as rape and to forget about it, because of this I didn't mention it again as there wasn't any point. And he told me they wouldn't believe me and they didn't Sad

He's got away with harassment and stalking since then, and now I'm pregnant again it's just been playing on my mind so I said something the woman was lovely I cried a bit but she helped and asked if I felt a bit better.

I don't know what I'm doing really I just need handholding I think. I'm irrationally parinoid that they'll think I've made it up and then I'll be in trouble Sad I think I've hid this for so long I actually feel bad for now saying something I haven't spoke about it with anyone until recently when I told two people. I've done the right thing right?

OP posts:
AlistairSim · 11/02/2015 17:14

You have absolutely done the right thing.
You are being incredibly brave and should be proud of yourself.

ALL the times you said no, whether he was drunk or not, are rape. I'm so sorry this was done to you, op.

championnibbler · 11/02/2015 17:20

Yes - you have done the right thing.
You need to protect yourself by reporting him.
Also, reporting him may stop him raping someone else.

Original poster
NameChangedJustForThis1425 · 11/02/2015 17:22

Sad even though he stopped?

I just feel lost like I've somehow fabricated this whole thing and that's why he didn't believe me (I haven't obviously) I can remember that one time so clearly as it hurt and I cried and he said "well try again later"

I'm trying to get my head around I've done the right thing but I feel like I haven't ifyswim

OP posts:
Ohfourfoxache · 11/02/2015 17:23

You brave, wonderful lady. Of course you've done the right thing. Please, never ever doubt yourself ever again. It has taken huge courage to do what you've just done and as Alistair says, you should be very proud of yourself x

BlackeyedSusan · 11/02/2015 17:24
Flowers

you have done the right thing.

flora717 · 11/02/2015 17:25

You're absolutely right and brave to report it and talk about it.
You said no. It was rape. It's sickening that he seems to think it's only rape if he gets charged. 'He didn't class it as rape' what the fuck is he on? He does not dictate the law.
Well done for being strong.

laughingmyarseoff · 11/02/2015 17:27

I'm sorry OP. If you didn't agree to it then it is rape, your ex is a completely disgusting excuse for a human being.

Have you thought about counselling? It may help you to open up more. Absolutely you've done the right thing, if he harass you any more then I would make it very clear it is harassment and keep reporting.

Someone who can rape, harass and hurt the mother of their child/ren, is not worth anything at all. I agree with Alistair, you should be proud of yourself- you're standing up to him and keeping yourself and your children safe.

laughingmyarseoff · 11/02/2015 17:28

OP, whether he has stopped or not he still did it and he may well try again so definitely bets to keep reporting.

Original poster
NameChangedJustForThis1425 · 11/02/2015 17:33

Im lucky enough now I've been with DP two years this year he'd kill him if he got the chance.

I don't know why I feel bad. I should know I've done the right thing. I think because we've been through court as he fought for access (was denied) and the police have served a harassment warning notice on him and I didn't mention it. for him it didn't happen

OP posts:
ArcheryAnnie · 11/02/2015 17:33

You've done the right thing. Be kind to yourself, and be proud of yourself, too.

Good luck, OP. Thanks

laughingmyarseoff · 11/02/2015 17:50

OP If it happened for you it happened for him, the fact he wants to deny it to you and himself means nothing at all other then it adds to his shittiness.

I'm glad you have a nice DP now.

WrappedInABlankie · 11/02/2015 17:59

The person who said it wasn't rape in his book was a police officer not DS's dad Sad

SorchaN · 11/02/2015 18:22

I saw a story on the BBC site today that mentioned (in passing) that many police officers don't have a proper understanding of sexual assault. The police officer who said it wasn't rape was just plain wrong. If you say no and the man continues anyway, that's rape. It's not actually all that difficult to understand, so it's very worrying that some police officers still seem to misunderstand it.

Flowers
Adarajames · 11/02/2015 18:28

The police office was wrong, you said no, he carried on, you are correct in calling it rape. You are a beautifully courageous woman for reporting it x

cleanmyhouse · 11/02/2015 18:37

You have done the right thing.

Part of coping with what was done to you is self doubt and denial, because accepting it really happened is sometimes harder than saying "oh maybe I misread it, maybe it didn't really happen that way". Brains works in funny ways. I know this from experience.

You are very brave and i have a huge amount of respect for you for having the courage to deal with this.

laughingmyarseoff · 11/02/2015 18:46

Well that police officer is completely wrong and needs retraining.

laughingmyarseoff · 11/02/2015 18:47

And if you don't consent then it's rape. It's terrifying how many people- including those in possible contact with rape victims- don't seem to understand that.

Sallyingforth · 11/02/2015 18:48

OP I'm so glad you have found the courage to report this horrible crime.

Not only have you done the right thing for yourself, but you will have encouraged any reader who has suffered in silence to think again about reporting a rapist.

Thank you, and well done!

WrappedInABlankie · 11/02/2015 19:31

Thank you all Thanks

Don't know what happened to my NC, I only changed it as I was embarrassed and i shouldn't be really

WrappedInABlankie · 11/02/2015 20:07

The special unit just called they're sending someone out to talk through all my options tomorrow She was very understanding and was shocked that the police have failed me so much

Brummiegirl15 · 11/02/2015 20:10

OP you are incredibly brave, and yes this is rape.

Even if you agreed because you were frightened - that is sill rape.

You have absolutely done the right thing and this is your chance to stand up and tell your story and more importantly, be listened to.

Ohfourfoxache · 11/02/2015 20:19

Oh Wrapped Sad

Oh sweetheart I'm so sorry to see its you Sad

I wouldn't wish anything like this on anyone, but for me you stand out as one of MNs "lovely" posters. I wish you weren't going through this Sad

You have absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about, this is not your fault.

You have so completely done the right thing. This bastard deserves to be strung up by the gonads. It has taken a huge amount of strength and courage to do what you've done. You've done so, so well and you should be incredibly proud of yourself x

WrappedInABlankie · 11/02/2015 20:30

Thank you both

fox thank you, really. you made me cry haha I'm hoping this will put an end to things especially the harassment and stalking, I really do Thanks x

NeedABumChange · 11/02/2015 20:34

It doesn't matter that he stopped OP. It matters that he started when you said NO. Or that he continued, even for a few minutes after you said NO. That's what makes it rape.

Hang in there.

Flowers
Ohfourfoxache · 11/02/2015 21:09

Oh shit, that wasn't the intention - sorry!

This guy is an absolute fucking disgrace. He really is.

You are so, so much better than this waste of space.

I'm not surprised that you're thinking about it more now that you're pregnant (and that your lovely DP wants to kill him given half a chance). Does anyone else in RL know? I don't want to push you towards anything or stick my beak in, but have you been in touch with any victim support organisations?

Sweetheart, please don't doubt yourself. You know in your heart of hearts that it was rape. And then to continue with stalking and harassment - well, that's just unimaginably awful. I can't begin to understand how dreadful it all must be for you.

Get support wherever you can (providing that is what you want, of course). Lean on as as much as you want. We believe you x

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