*Trigger* I'm not being U am I?

[NameChangedJustForThis1425]

I've finally plucked up the courage to report my DS's father for rape. It happened when I first found out I was pregnant.

I don't count the time he inserted it into my anus as he stopped when I cried, he was drunk I said no but it's not rape is it?
It happened once or twice I've kind of blocked it out and the sexual assault once or twice

I said something when I reported him for harassment in October 2011 and I was told he didn't class it as rape and to forget about it, because of this I didn't mention it again as there wasn't any point. And he told me they wouldn't believe me and they didn't

He's got away with harassment and stalking since then, and now I'm pregnant again it's just been playing on my mind so I said something the woman was lovely I cried a bit but she helped and asked if I felt a bit better.

I don't know what I'm doing really I just need handholding I think. I'm irrationally parinoid that they'll think I've made it up and then I'll be in trouble I think I've hid this for so long I actually feel bad for now saying something I haven't spoke about it with anyone until recently when I told two people. I've done the right thing right?

[WrappedInABlankie]

It's perfectly okay fox really

I've only told the housing lady, the police and my DP that I was raped. I've never told them exactly what happened, not even my DP he just knows that I was raped and I'd rather not talk about so we don't bring it up. I've never spoken to anyone professional about the DV, EA or this I usually just keep this stuff to myself as it seems easier IYSWIM?
Thank you fox really

[Ohfourfoxache]

Don't be daft - there's nowt to thank me for darling. You, on the other hand, are the one most deserving of thanks for reporting this piece of scum.

You must, must do what is best for you. If you want to talk, talk. If you want to keep it in a box, keep it in a box. But you can hold your head high.

i remember your other threads. I've been thinking about them this evening. You are always so supportive of other people and you're always so helpful. And kind and considerate. I've never seen you type a bad word about anybody. I kind of get the feeling that you'll cut everyone slack except for yourself. You don't seem to be massively kind to yourself on occasion (eg look at your first post - look at your doubts). If someone else had told you what you've told us, what would you say to them?

[Ohfourfoxache]

The other thing i thought about is whether aibu is the best place for you to get maximum support. There is no doubt that yanbu. There are a few threads on aibu ATM that are geared towards long term support and this may well work well for you, but it might be helpful to get you as much specialist handholding as possible.

[WrappedInABlankie]

fox honestly this is helping a lot and I can't thank you enough for that!

That is very true, I feel I've kept up this "nobody can hurt" me persona for so long now that 'I'm the tough cookie' so nothing bad can happen to me and if it does i just won't mention it or I'll down play it to it can't be that bad but I never let myself accept and deal with the bad things that have happened.

Honestly if this was anyone else I'd tell them they've done the right thing, not to feel bad for years he's gotten away with it and you've nothing to be ashamed off. It wasn't your fault (and that is what I need to realise it wasn't my fault and I do most probably need to deal with it instead of locking it away)

For some reason I'm worried about if he finds out I reported it, he will be mad and deny it, go to facebook, tell all of his friends etc I know that and that is what is playing on my mind. I know he'll say "If it was true you would of reported it before now and you're only doing it to ruin my life and I'm not like that" but I kick myself for not making them believe it right at the beginning this is the first time I've honestly cried over this

[Ohfourfoxache]

Can I suggest that this is maybe the first time you've cried over this because you've been concentrating on being the strong one for so long? Being the "tough cookie" can sometimes come with some self imposed responsibilities - you don't necessarily look after yourself, you look after other people instead. For example, your lovely ds - do you think you might have been trying to protect him from what you went through? And your dp - on some level, do you think you might be trying to protect you both from revealing what happened?

There was a theory I found out about many years ago - my DSis went through counselling and this was taught to her. Inside us there are two versions of "me" - think a big sister and a little sister. The little sister tends to be the questioning one, the one who doubts herself, the one who doesn't quite believe that she's gone through an awful time. The older sister is the voice of reason, the advisor, the one who tells it like it really is.

Now I'm not saying that older sisters have any sort of advantage over little sisters - it's purely a way of distinguishing two people inside you (despite bein an older sister it's my little sis who keeps me grounded! ) but what do you think the older/big you would say to the younger/little you? It's just another way of looking at what you would advise someone else to do, but somehow it feels a bit more personal when you think of it as what you would advise yourself to do.

In terms of Facebook, him spouting his rubbish and his lies and his manipulation - keep away from it as much as you possibly can. Do you have a support network around you? His behaviour has been so abhorrent and you've been through so much, are there people who know part of the story so far that you can surround yourself with?

[WrappedInABlankie]

It most likely is It happened and straight away it was pushed to the back of my mind.

Had the police officers out today and had a little cry once again but felt a bit better.

Shes going to keep me informed every step of the way and tell me as soon as he's been arrested which was something I was worried about. She's going to do my interview and statement after half term once DS is in nursery so he isn't distrupted it's going to take around 3 hours they said

She said it may not get to court they don't get to decide that but that doesn't mean nobody believes you just means they're not enough evidence.

Wasnt as bad as I thought though

[Ohfourfoxache]

Good, I'm glad.

Can you have someone with you when you make the statement? Doing it after half term sounds sensible x

[WrappedInABlankie]

DP will be at work but I'd most probably be better off doing it on my own tbh I've already written it down and I'll print it off to bring with me. I was surprised at how long it took me to remember the before bit iyswim? I could remember what happened and the fact Id said no and that didn't make a difference but the lead up and after mouth Id suppressed

I'll know I'll end up forgetting something that happened but I don't know if they'll allow me to take it in there?