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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to disengage from this group of friends as I think they're not being very pleasant about me?

77 replies

PinkHairbrushes · 11/02/2015 14:58

I am friends with a group of women; we meet up regularly for nights out and sometimes meet for lunch. One friend introduced me to the group so really they are all "her" friends and I get invited along to things. My friend has also set up a facebook group for us all to chat and to arrange things.

From day 1 I have had a feeling that a couple of the women just don't like me. They have both always been quite abrupt with me and also very patronising and eye-rolly when they talk to me. I don't want to be paranoid but you know when you just get the feeling that someone doesn't like you?

The others are all a bit more polite to me but all quite standoffish. I feel like a spare part on nights out, even though I have tried so hard to chat to them all and to be nice.

On our Facebook group I will always reply to things and I never really get any likes or acknowledgement for my replies, whilst they are all always liking each others replies.

Final straw now is we are all going out this weekend and we are meant to all be getting a taxi minibus between us. I have just been tagged on the facebook group saying the minibus can only seat 8 of us and as "X is bringing another friend" there won't be room for me and I'll have to make my own way there. It's at a venue 20 miles away!

WIBU to just have nothing more to do with the lot of them? DH thinks that my friend probably bitches about me to them all, as she is a bit like that, hence they don't really like me.

OP posts:
BigPawsBrown · 11/02/2015 15:44

Find some friends who you like and who like you, friends you can call in the middle of the night if you need. This isn't friends, it's just tagging along. Friendships are having a one on one relationship with people, even if you only see them in a group.

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 11/02/2015 15:48

Reply saying 'sorry that doesn't work for me' and leave the group. They sound like teenagers. Like a PP said, if you're going out as a group and you don't fit in one taxi, you book two.

Disengage and don't worry about it. It's no reflection on you, they sound vile.

Jengnr · 11/02/2015 15:52

Just say OK then don't go.

grocklebox · 11/02/2015 15:57

Sounds like they've been trying to tell you something. You can't get on with everyone, no-one can, and obviously you don't gel with this group. They are your friends friends, and they are probably wondering why she keeps bring you along.
I'm sure you're a perfectly lovely person, but not everyone is obligated to like you or want to be your friend. It doesn't make them awful people (although they do sound like they don't have very good manners).

Just move on, it really doesn't have to be a big deal.

Poppet1974 · 11/02/2015 15:59

They sound horrendous and add nothing to your life.
The advice re not going to the weekend thing, unfollow, then quietly defriend is perfect.
If you flounce it may well give credence to whatever it is your 'friend' is saying about you!!
Stop trying, it's never going to work out.

ExitPursuedByABear · 11/02/2015 16:01

That is dreadful.

Walk away.

MightyMightyToros · 11/02/2015 16:02

I'm confused, who actually invites you to their nights out? Is it the same friend?

I've become friends with a group through another friend, and the majority of them go out of their way to invite me to things - not because I'm the life and soul of the party but because we are genuinely becoming friends.

MrsItsNoworNotatAll · 11/02/2015 16:06

They sound horrible. You can do better than them for friends. Ditch the lot of them pronto!

Agree with unfollowing them on the Fb group then deleting them. Don't want it to look like a flounce. Then again who gives a Fuck what they think!

RainingSocks · 11/02/2015 16:06

Do you only know them through your friend who bitches about you? If so, just disengage and see more of people whom you like and who like you back. Crucially, do NOT allow your bitchy friend to join in with any of your other friendship groups, if you continue to see her then just see her one-on-one or with people who already know not to believe everything she says.

I suspect that she is using you to raise her profile with the group, eg she may be saying bitchy things about you, but also saying that she wants to continue to be your friend out of the kindness of her heart because otherwise you wouldn't have any friends.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 11/02/2015 16:08

It sounds like you are the scapegoat of the group. Disengage and choose future friends wisely. Smile

nunkspugget · 11/02/2015 16:08

If possible, do try and keep your dignity while disengaging! Its so easy to slip back into high school drama mode when shit like this starts, but it really would just be fuel for them. Have a bunch of ready made 'better offer' excuses to fob them off for as long as it takes them to stop asking you.
Although I'd be temped to have one dig about this last bullshit, something along the lines of 'haha....no way is a night out with you guys worth that amount of taxi money. Maybe next time?' with lots of passive aggressive xxxx's

pippop1 · 11/02/2015 16:09

Is there something that they could all be jealous about? Your income for instance or perfect children? You might not be aware of something.

I'm not saying that this justifies them being insular, far from it, but maybe there is a reason that you don't care about but they do.

microferret · 11/02/2015 16:11

Ditch the witches! They sound AWFUL. Life is definitely too short for this playground BS.
Life has taught me that if someone makes you feel bad about yourself, even though you've always been nice, they are probably a massive arsehole.
Just cut them off and ignore them. You'll be much happier for it!

mumofthemonsters808 · 11/02/2015 16:14

Sounds very harsh, no way would I socialise with a group of people who made me feel uncomfortable and this would be the straw that broke the camels back. I would remove myself from the group immediately and only see your friend on a one to one basis.

Floggingmolly · 11/02/2015 16:15

Oh, just don't go, and cut off all contact with them. But don't, as has been suggested, announce that you can't go because you've got some other super duper amazing outing lined up instead.

That's actually quite juvenile and pathetic. Keep your dignity.

expatinscotland · 11/02/2015 16:19

'which makes me think it's not personality clashes but it's my friend bitching about me.

We have been friends since school and she did things like that even then, years ago.'

She's not a friend, just someone you knew since school who's a bitch.

She found like company in this group.

Unfollow them on FB and don't even bother making an excuse for the weekend. Just don't go.

You owe these people nothing.

Anyone tries to get in touch, text, whatever, just text back, 'I'm doing well, thanks.xxx'

The end.

Don't waste a second of emotional energy on people who don't give a shit.

SaucyJack · 11/02/2015 16:43

They're horrid. Just don't bother.

Was wondering tho..... are you "different" to them in some way that marks you out as a target for bullying? Are you poorer/older/differently educated/not a gym bunny/different dress sense yadda yadda yadda? Not that it excuses bitchiness in the slightest, but maybe your face just doesn't "fit".

SummerHouse · 11/02/2015 17:00

For a change you have AIBU united! They are mean. Retreat with dignity. "No worries, I will skip this one."

Then have a night of treats for yourself. Bath, good film, chocolate etc. BrewWineCakeFlowers

I was in a similar but much less obvious situation with a group of mums but my life is too short for that. Thankfully I know real friendships and you need to make space in your life for them and not waste it on people who are horrible.

AlpacaPicnic · 11/02/2015 17:03

I'm actually struggling to see why you'd want to go to any event with these people. They don't actually invite you, they don't want to share a taxi, they don't talk to you much and the ones who aren't openly rude to you are politely disinterested.

Seriously, you are better off without them. They don't want another friend. The problem is them, not you. But I would rather spend all my time alone that with people who made me feel like that. (It's actually why I have no friends)

CleanLinesSharpEdges · 11/02/2015 17:08

Ditch the lot of them and then take it as a lesson learned - if a 'friend' is being bitchy about others to you, then she's bitching about you to others.

This is why I avoid people who talk about others behind their back like the plague.

YouTheCat · 11/02/2015 17:19

Life is too short to waste your time on people who make you feel crap.

Ditch them. I wouldn't even bother giving an explanation, just don't turn up.

LegoSuperstar · 11/02/2015 17:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Shrekandprincessfiona · 11/02/2015 17:26

I agree with what the PP have said.

Don't do anything dramatic....just have a few 'excuses' up your sleeve to avoid meeting them. 'Oo that date does sound familiar', ' i would love to but it's my mothers/fathers/aunts/neices/nephew birthday/anniversary/' and 'I'm skint saving up for holiday/car/washing machine'.

I would also unfollow them on facebook. Also if you get any messages wait a while to reply....or don't reply at all!

You need to treat them like the juveniles that they are.

Oo that comment from a PP 'I wouldn't waste my money on you lot' in regard to the taxi Grin.

Moniker1 · 11/02/2015 17:28

I would quickly sign up for something - anything, art class, yoga, etc etc.
Say, oh, shame there's no room, I'll give it a miss. Then next time there is an event you can say sorry busy with art class, whatever.

The thing is to get this set up out of your mind as soon as possible or it becomes a stress for you, so no trying to get one over them or scoring points, they are unfriendly, just move on toute suite.

diddl · 11/02/2015 17:35

They all sound bloody awful.

Are they afraid of her, or taken their turn to be her "whipping boy"??

Life's too bloody short.

I'd probably have to say something like "I'm not bothered enough to drive myself/make an effort".

Maybe best not if you see them regularly outside of the "social" context.

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