to be really upset and angry with Dsis. I have no idea where to go from here.

[farewellfigure]

Hi

A bit of backstory so not to drip feed. I've posted before that Dsis (10 yrs my senior) is an alcoholic... completely in denial and unaware that it's a horrible situation for the whole family. She got completely plastered on Christmas Day then walked out and slept God knows where. They whole family were in shock. DBiL has asked that we NEVER TALK ABOUT and apparently we all have to carry on as though nothing happened.

I wrote her a heartfelt 5-page letter after Christmas to try and explain how I felt, but she emailed me that she wasn't willing to even read it.

I'm sure you can imagine that ignoring the whole situation is completely impossible. We've had chatty email and text exchanges, and we have had one chat on the phone (completely fine) since Christmas. My Dniece, DM and myself have all been going to AlAnon since Christmas to try and cope with our anger issues, and to try and get a handle on the whole 'detach with love' thing. It's working up to a point.

Anyway, yesterday I had a great bit of news I was dying to share with DM. We are very close, probably even more so than ever. I rang her and started to tell her the news, only to hear that Dsis had got the news from Facebook earlier in the day (DM doesn't have a computer) and told her the whole thing. This was MY NEWS. My family's news. Not hers.

I emailed Dsis a perfectly lovely account of our weekend, with all sorts of chatty news, but then said that I was sorry to be a bit moany (I hate confrontation and was shaking while doing it) but I was so disappointed that she'd told DM my news having read it on Fbook, and could she not pass on my family's news to DM before I even get the chance.

Her response was to say sorry I was upset (not sorry that she'd done something which is a subtle but important difference imo), and that she'd done this for the last 10 years. She said she knows mum misses out on family stuff (wtf?) because she doesn't have a computer, so she regularly rings her up and describes photos, reads out texts and tells her what EVERYONE in the extended family has been up to. She said DM understands that if someone in the family rings her to tell her the same piece of news, DM has to pretend not to know about it. DSis said she couldn't imagine why DM had told me she already knew in this instance.

WTF? Is she family oracle? Yes DM doesn't have a computer, but she has a PHONE and I ring her 4 times a week. As does my DB and my DNiece.

Honestly I am shaking with anger. I know it's all out of proportion because of the backstory but I don't know where to go from here. I just need her to apologise properly. Also, taking on board that the WHOLE FAMILY are in bits about her drinking... actually acknowledging that we have a right to be upset would also help. Instead we just have to pretend everything is OK. Oh grrrr. Like I said though, I'm not a confrontational person and the very thought of having a argument makes me feel sick. We haven't had a cross word EVER in 42 years btw, apart from the row on Christmas Day when she accused me (slurringly) of 'judging her'. I wasn't. I was crying because DM was so upset at seeing her totally plastered.

I'd appreciate any advice. AIBU to think that taking my news from Facebook, texts etc and ringing DM to tell her is out of order?

YY to stopping "protecting" your dsis (and DM?) Why feel guilty about discussing her with your DM? That is a consequence of her behaviour and problem and totally natural.

I know only too well about the cycle. in my family it's usually directly after a big fallout over drink.. it's so difficult as my little girl is really close to one family member. this person doesn't drink all the time not even weekly but when they do drink it is in secret and at inappropriate times. my little girl was supposed to stay with her for a sleepover she was all excited. I get there and It's clear the person has Had a drink. their answer was I thought you weren't coming till seven not five and it went round in circles as they truly believed it was ok to drink two hours before you were supposed to mind a child. obviously I had to disappoint my dd and time alone has never been a question since. after that there was the whole oh never again I don't know why I do it but it's all only a pity party to deflect the attention from what they have done.

Yes, it's the unnecessary untruths, isn't it, that somehow can sting the most.

OP, you are in a truly hard place and I do feel for you.

Thanks... you're all lovely.

coffee I'm so sorry to hear your Dsis. I think in a way I feel so dreadful because she's my big sister... has always been there for me like a second mini-mum. And she was always the person I would ring first as we had such a fantastic relationship. That has now gone, completely.

Our beloved Ddad died 6 years ago and I don't think she has ever got over it. She did the 'big sister' thing of 'getting everyone through it' when in reality she was the one who was floundering the most. She never opens up about how she is feeling about stuff.

Your comment about 'frothing rage' made me smile. Exactly how I felt yesterday, most of the night, and this morning until all you lovely mnetters made me realise I was BU!

op sorry but you should have phoned your mother first .sorry but you have no right to be angry with sister on this one .you still seem angry since xmas and you are keeping it going .the alcoholism is terrible .i understand that from family experience with my grandfather but the other is issue was your own fault .who was more important facebook or your mum .sorry to be harsh but its true

Thanks farewell. I think we are both in similar situations, and it is not easy.

My only advice is to disengage as much as you can, while still supporting your niece, mum and bil.

Easier said than done though

I feel your pain. I get so bloody, bloody angry and in spite of repeatedly telling myself it is an illness and that I wouldn't be angry if they had, say, diabetes, or asthma, I doesn't help.

My mother ruins EVERY occasion. She screamed and slurred and was loud and bitter at every wedding and had to be removed from the (tiny) reception from her own Dad's funeral. She steals (once a rare bottle of wine, laid down for me by God-parents and given to me on my 21st). She lies about everything and will do anything to get drink.

She owes my sister thousands of pounds because my sister refused to see her hit rock bottom and had the money to lend (see my other thread for the long term repercussions of this). One, if not two of my sisters are now alcoholics, one has issues with food and I scratch and pick at myself compulsively when stressed. Oh, it is a fucking mess.

Distance yourself. Protect your heart. Put yourself first and keep contact minimal. I have recently been very badly hurt by something linked and I am struggling to get back on track. Sending hugs and flowers. It really is tough.

rose that is awful. I'm so sorry. My Dsis has also ruined a couple of weddings. We're going back years now before we even realised she had a problem. I think they bring out the worst in people. Sending sympathy in return.

If you ever wanted to be honest and really talk to her I feel so dreadful because she's my big sister... has always been there for me like a second mini-mum. And she was always the person I would ring first as we had such a fantastic relationship. That has now gone, completely this would be a start. Honest, loving and straight.

A really important part is working out exactly what your boundaries are and sticking to them. Do you know what your boundaries are? Lying; enabling; ignoring; money; relationships...

What a horrible mess OP , no-one can fix your sister except her . Your DBil is enabling her with his denial and trying to get you to collude with him . Be honest with your sister , tell her you think her drinking is a real problem , keep saying it regardless of the excuses she will come up with , and some of them will be real corkers . It may not make any difference to the outcome , unfortunately some people cannot get themselves out of the downward spiral , but at least you will always know that you tried.

YABU. What you post on facebook is public information. Same as if you told it to a room full of your friends and family. This one is really not your sister's fault.

Ok, on the one hand I can see that it is driving you nuts that posters are still talking about Facebook but on the other I just wanted to point out that I don't think it is malicious or even odd that she does this.

I think there is a good chance that your dsis is deeply ashamed of her alcoholism and she carries this shame with denial and secrecy. She must find this very isolating, scary and vulnerable. Relaying what's happening on Facebook is a way that your sister spends time with your mum without risking any tricky topics or talk about feeling coming up. It is as safe as the weather chat but she can eek it out longer.

I have a really tricky relationship with my mum for other reasons. For us, any talk of big feelings or personal drama can lead to dark places, so I come into the relationship with my Mum sideways, counting on safe topics, like the bloody Torys and the tax dodging rich scum to see us through, unfortunately my mum already has Facebook or I'd nick that idea. If you were feeling compassionate, I'd let your sister keep this.

You already know YABU so I won't comment on that. Just wanted to say I have an alcoholic in the family and I really feel for you. There is nothing more painful and exasperating and horrible and disappointing than loving an addict who loves their addiction more. The worst thing about it is the way it's just impossible to limit the damage - it affects everyone and there's nothing anyone can do.

I agree with others that you and the rest of your family are under no obligation to handle this the way your BIL wants you to. You have your own relationships with your sister and are entitled to speak your minds if you like. Be prepared for it to have no effect though.