to be really upset and angry with Dsis. I have no idea where to go from here.

[farewellfigure]

Hi

A bit of backstory so not to drip feed. I've posted before that Dsis (10 yrs my senior) is an alcoholic... completely in denial and unaware that it's a horrible situation for the whole family. She got completely plastered on Christmas Day then walked out and slept God knows where. They whole family were in shock. DBiL has asked that we NEVER TALK ABOUT and apparently we all have to carry on as though nothing happened.

I wrote her a heartfelt 5-page letter after Christmas to try and explain how I felt, but she emailed me that she wasn't willing to even read it.

I'm sure you can imagine that ignoring the whole situation is completely impossible. We've had chatty email and text exchanges, and we have had one chat on the phone (completely fine) since Christmas. My Dniece, DM and myself have all been going to AlAnon since Christmas to try and cope with our anger issues, and to try and get a handle on the whole 'detach with love' thing. It's working up to a point.

Anyway, yesterday I had a great bit of news I was dying to share with DM. We are very close, probably even more so than ever. I rang her and started to tell her the news, only to hear that Dsis had got the news from Facebook earlier in the day (DM doesn't have a computer) and told her the whole thing. This was MY NEWS. My family's news. Not hers.

I emailed Dsis a perfectly lovely account of our weekend, with all sorts of chatty news, but then said that I was sorry to be a bit moany (I hate confrontation and was shaking while doing it) but I was so disappointed that she'd told DM my news having read it on Fbook, and could she not pass on my family's news to DM before I even get the chance.

Her response was to say sorry I was upset (not sorry that she'd done something which is a subtle but important difference imo), and that she'd done this for the last 10 years. She said she knows mum misses out on family stuff (wtf?) because she doesn't have a computer, so she regularly rings her up and describes photos, reads out texts and tells her what EVERYONE in the extended family has been up to. She said DM understands that if someone in the family rings her to tell her the same piece of news, DM has to pretend not to know about it. DSis said she couldn't imagine why DM had told me she already knew in this instance.

WTF? Is she family oracle? Yes DM doesn't have a computer, but she has a PHONE and I ring her 4 times a week. As does my DB and my DNiece.

Honestly I am shaking with anger. I know it's all out of proportion because of the backstory but I don't know where to go from here. I just need her to apologise properly. Also, taking on board that the WHOLE FAMILY are in bits about her drinking... actually acknowledging that we have a right to be upset would also help. Instead we just have to pretend everything is OK. Oh grrrr. Like I said though, I'm not a confrontational person and the very thought of having a argument makes me feel sick. We haven't had a cross word EVER in 42 years btw, apart from the row on Christmas Day when she accused me (slurringly) of 'judging her'. I wasn't. I was crying because DM was so upset at seeing her totally plastered.

I'd appreciate any advice. AIBU to think that taking my news from Facebook, texts etc and ringing DM to tell her is out of order?

I think you are wrong, if you wanted to share the news with your mother, then don't put it on facebook. How on earth was your sister supposed to know she was not to tell her mother your news if she saw it in facebook first. I think your feelings on what happened at christmas and her drinking are clouding your view.

Well this is a case where posting on AIBU is really worth it - you couldn't see the woods for the trees and now you can as it's unanimous.

Yes you need to deal with your understandable anger and pain xx

If she has been doing it for years then you should know what to expect with her-if she tells your mum what you say in every text or call then it wouldn't have been a surprise that she did what she did.
If you think she is getting in their with information first to annoy you on purpose then you need to cut that dead and make sure you tell your mum things before your sister so that she doesn't have that control over you and your mums relationship.
She isn't actually doing anything wrong by doing this but I can see why it could be annoying so just make sure you share what you want to first.

My mum doesn't have facebook but one of her friends does and she tells my mum every time a new pic of the grandchildren is up or what I have been saying. It does annoy my mum a bit so now if it is something quite specific like one of the DC having lost a tooth or won a race -I make sure that I tell my mum before I share it with her friend and other people on FB, and I phone her to say oh by the way I posted a pic of x on facebook so you know what xfriend is speaking about if she mentions she saw it.

I'm not convinced it's 'nice' of your sister. It all seems a bit attention grabbing, I'll tell you first but it's our little secret (hence recognising that the relevant family member might want to share the news themselves) to me.

It would annoy me, but I would have to accept that in future, I would need to review my order of news dissemination

But yes, suppressed frustration and anger are bubbling away with nowhere constructive to go, I suspect. And who can blame you.

and for you.

Is it just me that really needs to know what the news actually was? I think we need to know, OP

Yes, misjudged anger for sure. Sorry about her drinking, that must be hard though.

BTW OP there will be another 2 pages of people telling you the same thing. No one RTFT.

Could you tell your BIL that you have to manage your relationship with your sister yourself? A very insightful person in recovery once told me that it is wrong to rob someone of their rock-bottom. All this denial isn't helping your sister.

sorry, but I also think YABU. especially about posting on FB.
If it's on FB, I assume it's common knowledge by then.

If you take the alcoholism out of this, would it change your view?

In future, speak to your DM first and only pass on info to your sister at the end of the chain, not as the first link. That way, you can share your lovely news but there's no-one for her to pass it onto.

I also agree that it's not helpful for your mum to be piggy in the middle.

Op you sound lovely, and it must be heartbreaking to have to deal with someone who is an addict but who is also a big part of your family.

I'm so sorry for you that you are forced to indulge a situation which is obviously untenable. Clearly the FB thing is a complete red herring, but it's a bit ironic that she won't read a letter directly addressed to her, but will share news from Facebook with your mum!

What have Al-Anon recommended in terms of your relationship with your sister? It sounds like you want to be close, but find it (understandably) hard because of the alcoholism - perhaps it's time to re-evaluate how much you can have her in your life without it negatively impacting on you.

Yep you're being totally U! You didn't care enough to tell your mum the brilliant news before you put it on FB, then complain that someone has passed it on...seriously?

If you were that close and it was that important then you would have told your mum first.

Thanks for the very insightful replies. A part of me does think Dsis is doing it in a sort of 'our secret' kind of way. Especially as she admitted that she told DM she'd have to hide the fact she already knows. I shudder to think how many times DM has had to sit through the same story twice because Dsis has already told her all of it! Anyway, I admit I'm wrong so am moving on from that!...

The thing I posted on Fbook was so minor you'll wonder what on earth I got so het up about. It was a very funny thing that DS put in his homework. It just annoyed me that Dsis would have known I'd want to tell DM as it would have made her laugh. I would never have posted anything major on Fbook first without telling DM.

As for 'robbing someone of their rock bottom' DBil is doing an absolute class A job of that. He is enabling in the most incredible manner. For me Christmas would have been the perfect wake-up-call for Dsis... the whole family angry and upset and resentful. Instead he texted us on Boxing Day to say that she'd come home and everything was business as usual. It was possibly the most agonising day of my life. I was shaking so much when she arrived but had to force myself to go into the lounge and say hello. She barely spoke a word to us all day and buried herself in a book. To be fair it can't have been very nice for her either. DBil is now pretending everything is fine... that their marriage is OK again, but in weaker moments he texts me and admits he's just too weak to face the fight. What a mess.

Your best bet is to always phone your mum with news before you put it on fb. I understand why you are angry though

Tbh you did put it on Facebook. If someone puts something on there I assume it's fair game for sharing. Stop putting stuff on there if you don't want it shared.

The texts etc sounds a little odd but I can imagine conversations where the content of them may arise and even be useful. Especially if you seem to prioritise telling things to your alcoholic sister before your mother. Cut the sister out of the loop and all news goes to mum first.

Also if it was so minor, why the fuck are you emailing your sister after she told your mum? All sounds petty to me.

DoJo I would have said we were as close as sisters could be despite the 10 year age gap, but I've had to re-evaluate that in the last few years. Dsis is intensely private. I did try to talk to her once about the alcoholism and she totally shut me down. She won't talk about her marriage or how she is feeling. We used to ring each other 4-5 times a week, but barely do at all at the moment. I now think our conversations in the past must have been very 'light' as she's never opened up to me about much.

Al-anon suggest detaching with love which doesn't mean you have to go NC but just detach mentally so you don't get hurt. For instance if she rang while totally plastered I'd be within my rights to say, 'I'll ring you back tomorrow when you're sober'. I would never have been brave enough to do that before. I haven't had to yet, but dread it.

Why does your BIL's approach trump your perfectly natural desire to share a few home truths with your sister. I understand that he is in an awful position as well and this is his coping mechanism, but that doesn't mean that you have to go along with his approach. Could you sit him down and talk to him about it and offer your support if he wishes to confront your sister, but make it clear that you intend to if he doesn't? That way, if he chooses not to, you have tried to offer him an alternative, so if you do decide to address the issue directly he will have had fair warning. Presumably your niece is also suffering - how old is she?

Penelope my anger wasn't petty. If you read the rest of the thread and everyone else's really helpful comments, I was angry about a lot more than just the incident.

And of course I wouldn't post something if I didn't want it shared. I just fancied telling DM myself. I hadn't thought for a minute that Dsis would have got in there first.

Also, Dsis and I used to be very close. Since she started drinking heavily every day our relationship has suffered which is heartbreaking. Hence I now ring my DM a lot more and we are much closer. The fact that my relationship with my sister is falling apart around my ears is one of the saddest things that has ever happened to me (and the rest of the family).

Sorry - cross posted. I am certainly no expert, but it sounds like it is more agonising to watch your sister slowly destroying everything good in her life (because her marriage and relationship with her daughter will not survive this unless she at least acknowledges her problems, even if you are able to maintain some sort of sisterly bond) than it would be to have the row, say your piece and at least let her know that everyone else is very much not ok with things. She may be in denial, he may collude in it, but they might both find it a bit harder to be 'business as usual' if you refused to accept the status quo and start making is harder for them to pretend that everything's ok. I don't know - this is how I would feel in your situation, but I have no idea how experts would recommend dealing with this - clearly the detaching with love is one route, but it doesn't sound like it is doing any of you any good.

DoJo my niece is 26. She is in bits. She hasn't contacted Dsis since Christmas and is very VERY angry.

I think we (niece, DM and I) are all getting to the point where DBil's desperate pleas for us to 'leave it' are falling on deaf ears. I can imagine one of us is 'gonna blow'. It would be much more sensible for us to do it with kindness and love rather than in anger so yes, I think I need to ring him.

If I have important news I always tell everyone I really want to know before putting it on Facebook. For example my grandmother doesn't have Facebook but my cousins etc do, so I told her about my engagement and pregnancies before any 'public' announcement. Once it's in the public domain, unless you specifically ask, I don't think you can dictate who tells what to who.

DoJo could you just pop over please so I can have a little cry on your very wise shoulder? Oh dear, how very un-mumsnetty of me!

Sorry, posted after only reading half the thread . Realise there are much deeper issues at play here.

COULD EVERYONE READ THE THREAD - THE OP KNOWS SHE WAS UNREASONABLE AND THE THREAD HAS MOVED ON. SHE IS HERE FOR SOME SUPPORT.

Ahem, as you were OP...

It's not really about the news she told after reading on facebook, was the first thing I thought on reading your op. Which you have acknowledged yourself in subsequent posts.

I can understand why you are angry with her and why things that might only usually mildly irritate you end up infuriating you when she is involved.

For what it is worth, you are a better person than I am. I'd have cut contact with her years ago. I can't offer any advice on how to deal with her but wish you the best in your continued efforts.

bloodygorgeous thank you