Birthday Party Etiquette and Siblings

[LittleBrownRabbit]

DN has asked me to help at her 5 year olds party on Saturday. She's invited 30 children (25 have confirmed they'll attend) and the party is at a local village hall. She's booked two rooms that join together which hold up to 40 people as the main hall was already booked the day she wanted it. The hall committee are very strict on the numbers in halls due to fire regulations. Two children's parents have asked if they can both attend (which is perfectly fine as the children sometimes don't cope well with large groups). DN has arranged for 3 children's entertainers as well as 5 adults to help with the food etc. That's 37 people already. The problem is various parents have asked to bring siblings of the children invited. When she's tried to explain there is limited space she's had various replies ranging from "oh we'll just stand at the side" to "we always stay at parties."

I never thought a party could cause so much stress. My children are older and I never had anyone asking to bring siblings to parties. My DN is very stressed about it all.

What's the etiquette with parties? AIBU to think when a child is invited to a party the invite doesn't include siblings?

at school age, parents should drop child and leave (unless the child needs support for some reason)
Siblings aren't invited unless it says so!

If I were DN I would text parents and say,
I am sorry, but we cannot have siblings staying at the party as there is limit on numbers for the hall due to fire regs. For the same reason, there is no space for parents to stay during the party. We are happy for you to drop your kids and come back later to collect. Look forward to seeing you on Saturday.

When my children had parties I never invited siblings nor did any just randomly turn up.

Argh, I hate parents that rock up with siblings and just stay! Be firm and tell them they must leave.

At 5 parents should be dropping and running, so no need for siblings.

Are the rooms tiny? The average small classroom has 30 kids plus 2 adults and one door !!! At 5 (reception) I would expect at least 1/2 the parents to stay normally - based on my experience of about 40 reception parties. In our area when it's church hall do, siblings often stay - although normally younger ones

There's nothing wrong with them asking, but she needs to give them a definite answer.

I think a lot of 5yos still don't like to be left at parties, and if it's a 5th birthday there will be a lot of 4yos too. My DD was going off to parties without a second thought at the age of 4, but my DS is 4 now, and a summer baby, and doesn't want to be left at parties, especially a massive one in a hall! As a single parent it's tricky.. I usually arrange a playdate for DD if DS has a party, but if I couldn't I would have to ask if DD could come too. But I would always ask, never assume!

Thanks so much for the replies. DN nor my DSis or I ever envisaged people would ask to bring siblings of children invited. The rooms aren't tiny, but 2 parents need a little quiet area for their children. There's a corner where a recess is that will be for them. I've said to DN she should text everyone but they make bloody excuses up to bring siblings. Is it bad to be blunt and say no siblings at all? Things have changed so much from mine and DSis children were small.

But isn't the problem not just siblings but parents staying too? I was at a 5yo's birthday party on Saturday. I'd say 60% of the children had one parent stay and a couple of those had both parents stay. There were two siblings less than 6mths, both of whom I saw being bf during the party, there was a crawler and a just walking (these caused the most problems as they kept getting in the way of the children), there were then 4 or 5 other younger siblings who sometimes joined in, sometimes sat on a parent's knee and then three older siblings, one of whom played on an iPad and the other two crashed the party.
From the other parties I've been to since DD started school in September, this isn't unusual. At this party, there was tea, coffee & croissant for the parents; at the one we did for DD last time, we had wine & naice crisps for the parents.

You can't have more than 40 people so you can't have siblings - if that means some guests can't attend then so be it.

You have to be real clear and decisive.

Sorry we can't have any extras at all at the party. We have already reached the maximum number allowed

Repeat as needed. When you have the party have someone on the door to check the invitees in. Have a list - you can take contact numbers while you are at it. Make sure whoever is on the door isn't a pushover.

Hope you all have a great party.

Will there actually be a problem with additional siblings if parents can't stay? The only time I have taken DC2 is because I am staying to be with DC1 and don't have anyone to look after DC2. If I wasn't allowed to stay, then I wouldn't have left DC2.

My dd is in reception. Since sept we have been to roughly 9 parties. Only one parent has left at one party. Theres no was i would leave my currently 4 year old alone at a party with people i dont know. Further up the school, fine but not reception. Ive asked a lot of people about this too and all were shocked at the thought of leaving a 4/5 year old. The first ive heard about parents leaving reception children is on munsnet.

Re siblings. I always ask if i can bring my ds who is 3 as otherwise i cant take my dd. the last party (was also the one one parent left) was at soft play so i just paid him in separately. He played separately.

I always do scones, jam and cream and tea and coffee for adults.

I'll be interested in the responses to this. To my mind bringing/asking to bring siblings above baby age is rude BUT it's a struggle if you do have children who are younger and your child is too young to leave. (I'm with pp DD1 is 5 and none of the reception mum's dump and run ).

I have all bar 1 occasion managed to get childcare for DC2 (2YO) but that means every other Saturday I'm leaving her with mil, having to do the 30m drive there and back and using up what little childcare i have for yet another party where she gets upset she can't go.

Then i turn up at the party to see that all and sundry have just rocked up with older and younger siblings and been welcomed with open arms so I'm there feeling a prick.

On the 1 occasion i got stuck I did text and ask giving the option that without sibling invited child can't attend sadly.

And i always take DC3 as they are bf so can't be left. I can't believe that could be an issue if they aren't playing/eating but a pp mentioned bf babies as an issue?

What is the bloody etiquette!

I wouldn't leave my 4yo alone either.

Not least because it places excessive responsibility on the host adults to look after more children than would be permissible under standard childcare setting ratios (and these are usually adults who aren't even used to dealing with that many children).

And that's before we even get into CRB or DBS checks or whatever they're called now.

I wouldn't leave my reception aged child at a party. We would turn down the invitation if I couldn't stay. Certainly wouldn't take siblings though.

When DD1 had her 4th birthday, and was still at nursery, no parents stayed.

I am amazed that people won't leave reception aged children (obviously the odd one may need a bit of extra support, so it's fine for one or two parents to need to stay).

Why would you expect to bring the invited child's sibling? (Unless a tiny babe in arms, possibly.)

The invitation is for the one child invited, not their whole fricken family, Uncle Tom Cobbley and all!

I think it's rude when people turn up with siblings without permission. My brother does it all the time with his kids. My niece is 8 and my nephew is 3 and my niece is often invited to parties and my brother just rocks up with the 3 year old expecting them to be entertained and fed at a party that is designed for 8 year olds, not 3 year olds. Last weekend my niece was invited to a "frozen" party with a children's entertainer and party games more aimed at older children. Of course my nephew turns up and ruins all the party games because he doesn't understand them and just stands there in the middle. I would have been so pissed off if that was my kid's party. You could see the frustration on the other kids faces (I was there helping set up).

I understand that sometimes it is difficult arranging childcare, but I think people should either ask someone else to take the invited child along to the party, ask if it's ok to just drop the child off at the party as no child care for sibling or if the host says it's ok to bring the sibling make sure they're not getting in the way!

"all were shocked at the thought of leaving a 4/5 year old"

Why would anyone be "shocked" at the thought of a 4-5 year old spending time away from their parents with the same 30 kids that they spend time with away from their parents Monday-Friday?

My kids are teens now, but seriously, kids haven't changed that much. It used to be completely normal to leave school age children at parties. Heck, it used to be completely normal to leave playgroup age children at parties.

DD is only 9 months so haven't got to this stage, but I have a genuine question. For those of you who won't leave a 4yr old, how does this differ from leaving them at school/nursery? DD will be doing 8-6 at nursery from next month, so why couldn't I leave her for 2 hours at a birthday party in 3years time?

She needs to be firm, maybe a text if she has numbers. If not, then she will need to do it to the people involved.

Then remember for the next party to put no siblings on the invites. It's amazing how many people think a party invite is for the whole family not just the invited person. Unfair on the birthday child as well for it to be taken over by children they didn't invite.

We always had a private venue for the infant parties that was limited in numbers and paid for in advance so the venue checked childrens names off on entry. Parents could stay though if they so wished. Most used the same place as local and easy.

Here, parents still stay for 4-year olds, mix and match for 5-year olds (when kids start school), and by 6 only the most helicopter-ish types don't take advantage of dropping and running.

I sort of think you need to take into account a few unscheduled extras in the form of siblings turning up. Sometimes it just can't be avoided, and as long as the parents check in on this beforehand, it is what it is.

Last party DD went to was held in the sports hall of a leisure centre. The hall was split in half with a net that ran around 2/3rds of the way along. Doors to the sports hall remained open throughout, and the party food room was upstairs meaning everybody had to leave the sports hall, go down a corridor, up 2 flights of stairs and through a labelled door. I don't think the organising parents would have been at all happy at having to manage 40 3 and 4 year old kids through all of that. Would you enjoy the experience of you did?

I think in Reception it's as much about getting to know the other parents as the children having fun.

I think I stayed at all of DC1's parties in Reception because of a combination of physical/sensory issues requiring my support, and in some cases I did have to bring DC2 (as a bf baby) but always checked it was ok and always made myself available to the party organisers as a "helper".

After Reception I drop-and-go unless the organiser is a friend and needs an extra pair of hands, or makes it clear that parents are welcome to stay for a glass of wine/cup of coffee and a chat (sometimes it's nice to catch up with working parents who don't get to chat at the school gates).

The etiquette as far as I'm concerned is to not bring older siblings at all, and younger siblings only if absolutely necessary and after checking with the party organiser that it's ok. I'm finding it much easier with DC2 as most of the party hosts know both DCs and will often invite both of them anyway.

As the host, your DN needs to be explicit with the guests and tell them, one way or the other.