Birthday Party Etiquette and Siblings

[LittleBrownRabbit]

DN has asked me to help at her 5 year olds party on Saturday. She's invited 30 children (25 have confirmed they'll attend) and the party is at a local village hall. She's booked two rooms that join together which hold up to 40 people as the main hall was already booked the day she wanted it. The hall committee are very strict on the numbers in halls due to fire regulations. Two children's parents have asked if they can both attend (which is perfectly fine as the children sometimes don't cope well with large groups). DN has arranged for 3 children's entertainers as well as 5 adults to help with the food etc. That's 37 people already. The problem is various parents have asked to bring siblings of the children invited. When she's tried to explain there is limited space she's had various replies ranging from "oh we'll just stand at the side" to "we always stay at parties."

I never thought a party could cause so much stress. My children are older and I never had anyone asking to bring siblings to parties. My DN is very stressed about it all.

What's the etiquette with parties? AIBU to think when a child is invited to a party the invite doesn't include siblings?

BTW I don't think age is necessarily a good indicator of when to drop-and-go or not. It's whether or not they can go to the toilet in a strange environment independently.

I spent about half of those Reception parties helping other people's children to negotiate the toilets, and sometimes even helping them to wipe...the party host shouldn't have to deal with that!

"I don't think the organising parents would have been at all happy at having to manage 40 3 and 4 year old kids through all of that."

Then they should have chosen somewhere more suitable for a playgroup age party, or invited a number of kids that they could cope with. It's really not rocket science.

"why couldn't I leave her for 2 hours at a birthday party in 3years time?"

You could, and it's normal to do so.

All this "shock" is competitive preciousness.

ft because children build up time in nurseries, they are used to the those caring for them and the environment. Nursery workers are there to care for them and make sure they aren't upset. A party is often in a new environment with new grown ups. The people running the party are usually busy and can't watch every individual child.My 5 year old is shy and would hate being left with strange (to him) adults, so I don't leave him. That's the norm round here, until year 1 anyway.

It's perfectly normal to stay to parties at that age. In fact it's unusual to leave them.
And I've always had to take siblings along to parties, but I do always check first.

Not unreasonable to tell parents of limits though and kindly accept their decline on that basis

No one here expects to stay at parties after DCs are at school. It seems odd that people want to.

Certainly never had people expect to bring siblings as well. Very rude behaviour.

If you're not happy with leaving DCs then refuse the invitation.

I've dropped and run once. Think I'm the only one who has done so at the YR and Y1 parties so far.

And yes, I do it not to help DS1, who is fine, but as a chance to meet the other parents, who I don't know, as I only do 1 school run a week, and that is new - last year I didn't do a school run :(

That means (and yes, this comment is refering to another thread), I have agreed to other parents picking up DS1 from school, and taking them home without visiting and vetting the house first.

DS2 stays at home with DH - on the rare occasions I've taken him to a softplay and paid to get him in, its caused issues at food time with birthday parent trying to squeeze him in, as they feel guilty. One even tried to refund his entrance fee :O

Blueberry - what a shame for your niece. If her brother continues to gatecrash parties she will stop being invited. You need to speak to your brother.

Wow, birthdays have really changed haven't they?

What happened to 10 - 15 kids dropped off at someone's home with a 'pick up time' printed on invites. No extra adults, no extra siblings and no church hall!

I am not at all prepared for this birthday party madness which looms in my future :-)

p.s. I'm guessing the 'children's entertainer' replaces the games of pass the parcel and statues plus general running around hopped up on sugar?

I would have been perfectly happy to leave my kids at that age but around here, it's expected that parents will stay at the party til at least the age of about 8. It's a pain in the arse. I didn't always have a sitter for the one that wasn't invited so at soft play, I would just pay them, but never expected them to be included in the party meal or get a party bag.

Seeing as most of these were in a pub where anybody could just go in, I never saw a problem with that. If the party had been at a house or a village hall, I would have taken the other one though.

Ftmsoon virtually all the DC at my DC huge primary have been in nursery - private or at least the school one. However that is about leaving them in the same place each day with a key worker. Parties can be noisy, chaotic, new place etc A lot of 4 year olds actually become much more aware of the terrors of being lost, not having adult they know, not known how to get to the toilet, where to get a drink etc Very much depends on the child and whether they know the venue and adults well. Mine are total nursery kids - (from tiny and more than 1 nursery) but at 4 wanted me to stay at parties unless it was parents they knew really well.

I would just be firm- no siblings- and since they are 5 yrs old discourage the parents from staying. Much simpler to have a few real friends at home!

I think that your DN needs to send a text saying:

• strict numbers limits due to hall size
• parents expected to drop and run,
• that there will be X adults present to ensure adequate supervision
• no siblings due to numbers limits

And then she needs to learn to put all the above on the initial invitation.

When DD2 was 5 I would generally stay as her speech was poor and she had difficulty making her needs known to strangers. Plus she was tiny so couldn't always manage adult weight doors etc. I would not have left her if I didn't think there were enough adults around to run party and help children if needed.

Good grief- I have just seen the area where it is the norm to stay until they were 8yrs! In that case I would make it very clear on the invitation that it was children only.

*would not obviously

But if it's really down to fire regs and limited space, then you need to put your foot down and say they can't come for that reason. But there always be spare places, because some will say they'll come and not turn up and others just won't bother replying.

I think it's a bit rude for parents to use children's parties as a social occasion for them to meet other parents, actually, unless specifically invited.

(DD1 had a girl start in year 1 or 2, and the parents invited all the parents to their house for her first party, there, so they got to meet all the other parents that way. They did have a big house, though.)

If you want to meet other parents, you should arrange a social occasion of your own. Coffee morning, cheap meal, pub drinks? Send a flyer home in book bags - teachers will usually let you arrange this, IME.

And invite your DC's friends over for a play date, and one of their parents will come to pick them up. Invite them in for a cup of tea and a chat, and you will get to know them, a little.

It's not that tricky to do, without crashing a child's party!

Yeah meh it's a pain in the bum. My heart drops when the kids come out of school with an invitation Hate kids parties

I've only ever taken a sibling to a party when ds2 was a baby so I couldn't leave him with dh and dds. I've left my dcs at a party from about 5 but I always ask my dcs if they want me to stay, until 5 they wanted me to stay so I did. At dd2's 4th birthday party a couple of parents left their dcs but checked it was okay, at dd1's party at soft play most parents left, two had siblings but paid for them to go into the play area and got them something to eat etc which was fine.

Imo if it's a soft play party then it's fine to bring siblings as long as the parent pays for them and has explained to them that they can play but not join in with the party games/food. If it's in a hall as with the op then it's fine to ask but have to be prepared to be told no siblings and not get annoyed.

I'd do as pp suggested and either text all the parents explaining about the limited numbers meaning no siblings or parents. And/or have someone on the door to make sure only the invited child goes in and take a contact number for the parent at the same time.

I'd happily leave my 4 year old at a party with kids they spend most of the week with, as long as my dc was happy to be left. If you organise a party with lots of kids then I'd imagine you'd have other adults to help and not try to supervise 30 children alone.

Childcare ratios and crb checks aren't needed to have a party for your child. I'd expect an entertainer to have a crb check though as it's their job as opposed to an individual.

My dd is in reception and I wouldn't leave her at a party yet. Not saying there's anything wrong with those who do and it definitely isn't because I'm being 'precious' as a pp said. All the parties I've been to have had abouy 50% of parents stay and at that age you can guarantee we have to help the host with toilet trips and toilet accidents, spilt drinks, tears at losing a game or missing their mum or falling out with a friend. If no parents stayed I can't see how the host would cope on their own - doing that as well as keeping an eye on the door to make sure there are no escapees.

People who are comparing it to school, you just can't. Teachers and other teaching staff are trained and are used to looking after children. The building is secure. The children aren't hyped up and excited by the prospect of a party. The children know and are used to the staff.

With dd1and dd2 when they were 6 we (and other parents) started leaving them if the party was in someone's house but stayed if the party was elsewhere. One party we went took dd2 to when she was six was in a big complex and the party was in the bowling part. Dd3 had fallen asleep in the car so rather than wake her I asked the party mum if she'd mind me dropping dd off and returning the baby woke up. Fine she said, take your time. And indeed a couple of other parents dropped and left. Anyway, I was sitting in the car park and saw some of the party children saunter past. Bearing in mind the bowling place was a good few hundred feet away. Rhe mum had basically let the kids have full run of the complex including the outside which was huge. I know some 6 year olds might have been ok with this but I knew dd would find it a bit overwhelming so I went back inside the complex and eventually found dd on her own having lost her friends in an arcade surrounded by men on gambling machines . Not implying the men were a danger to dd or anything but it was one of those wtf moments!

Sorry op realise I completely derailed your thread with that post

""I don't think the organising parents would have been at all happy at having to manage 40 3 and 4 year old kids through all of that."

Then they should have chosen somewhere more suitable for a playgroup age party, or invited a number of kids that they could cope with. It's really not rocket science."

Hmmmm. A giant sports hall with 3 bouncy castles and soft play climbing toys. Yep, you're right. Best leave that to the teenagers.

Round here it seems the norm that you stay with your child. These things are generally only an hour and a half anyway - by the time you leave it's time to go back!

Totally agree with Achoo. I stay with my 4 year old at reception parties and I ALWAYS have to help a few kids who have been left by their parents - usually with food, tears if they hurt themselves or miss their parents, and sometimes with bad behaviour, sorting out arguments etc. I stay with mine to ensure he is not a bother to anyone else.

I think it's pretty selfish to leave your child if you are not completely confident that they won't need and help with anything, and will be impeccably behaved, as it's the hosts and other parents who have to pick up the pieces.

Our soft play does lots of private parties so it's not always the case siblings can come. Most parents book this option as its not that much more expensive and means the whole place is theirs. Given so many think it's fine to bring uninvited guests, I can see why this is an attractive option.

Is quite happily leave the 5yo at a party as long as it was a safe place ie no wandering around a leisure centre to find the loos which is the norm around here. But people just don't.

I've thought about asking to dump and run to get around the sibling issue on occasion but as noone leaves them that seems rude to ask too.

It's a flipping minefield!