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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to expect dd's friend to abide by our mealtime rules?

94 replies

Joolsy · 09/02/2015 20:37

Dd has a friend whose mum, like me, likes her kids to eat plenty of veg. For the past few times she's been over for tea,however, I've put veg on her plate that I know she likes (she's not fussy at all) but she says "I don't want any". I always get my kids to eat most of their veg or no pudding but a feel like a bit of a cow saying this to dds friend, however, I do feel she's trying it on as she probably wouldn't get away with it at home. I'm not being u to expect her to follow our rules am I?

OP posts:

Shabbychicflowers · 10/02/2015 10:15

I never make my children finish their plates so I would be upset if they went to a friends house for dinner and they were forced to eat food they did not want. Maybe she is full, or just does not like some of what you have served up.

WhatsOnTheMenu · 10/02/2015 11:01

I'm with you op - visitors have to follow the same rules at the table as my kids. In your place I too would be saying no veg = no pudding...........the child has a choice.

Shabbychicflowers · 10/02/2015 11:34

Maybe if your children are not good eaters don't have a treat type pudding? Just do yogurt or fruit (and by yogurt I mean a healthy one). That takes the pressure off everyone then so the desert is not seen as a reward for eating the veggies.

Queenlizandabottleofgin · 10/02/2015 11:43

Wow I've never forced my kids to eat anything never mind forcing some one else's kids or visitors! Sounds really pleasant

SirChenjin · 10/02/2015 11:46

Just let her eat what she wants. I don't expect hosts to police what I'm eating and I don't do it to my guests, regardless of their ages.

BarbarianMum · 10/02/2015 11:51

For playdates I only serve stuff visiting child is known to eat, and I don't insist they eat it either. Pudding - 1 portion apiece. I don't offer alternatives however - if mum tells me they eat chicken and they don't want to eat my chicken, fine. But no filling up on biscuits half an hour after tea is over either, then they can wait til they get home.

Don't want to be either the food police or a restaurant for other people's kids .

WorraLiberty · 10/02/2015 12:35

I thought food threats were old fashioned now and not the done thing any more?

Surely being forced to eat something you don't want to, just so you can have the pudding you were looking forward to is counter productive?

It'll probably put them off veg for life if so much fuss is created around it.

Shabbychicflowers · 10/02/2015 12:44

I am also shocked at forcing children to eat, it sounds really unpleasant and surely causes meal times to be stressful? I would be horrified if another parent forced by child to eat all their dinner for a reward of pudding. I'm in my 30s and even my parents did not do this, hence I know when to stop eating when I am full and am a healthy wait. Even as an adult I may not fancy something someone has cooked for me but eat some if it to be polite, I would be horrified if someone forced me to eat it! It sounds really unpleasant.

Shabbychicflowers · 10/02/2015 12:47

Weight not wait!

Shabbychicflowers · 10/02/2015 12:49

I wouldn't put any pressure on any of the kids to eat the veg, serve fruit for pudding, maybe a watermelon sliced up or something a bit different. Then it doesn't matter which bits of the meal they eat as it is all healthy!

Shabbychicflowers · 10/02/2015 12:50

Just try and relax and enjoy meal times, then your kids will too :)

Davsmum · 10/02/2015 12:52

I can see it is awkward if you are expecting your own children to eat their veg but the invited child gets away with not eating theirs.

I don't see the point of forcing a child to eat anything but I agree if it is something you know they like and they are just being fussy/difficult then the consequence should be no alternative and/or no pudding.

On the days this child visits just don't do puddings at all for anyone and just let her leave what she wants.
Children don't NEED puddings and they certainly shouldn't be a 'reward' for eating their dinner.

Shabbychicflowers · 10/02/2015 12:56

Yes I agree with the above poster, don't do puddings or give fruit as a pudding rather than forcing the kids to eat veg.

HellonHeels · 10/02/2015 13:00

I'm ancient and only have vague memories of being at friends' houses for mealtimes but I do remember feeling a lot of anxiety about being away from my home and the familiar routine of how we did things. Having a friend's parents force me to eat something would have been scary, upsetting and anxiety-provoking.

Essentially OP it's not your place to police what a visiting child eats and you've no business putting pressure on them to eat. If it bothers you that much, don't have them round for meals. Or stop serving pudding altogether, no one needs a dessert after dinner every day.

HellonHeels · 10/02/2015 13:02

X post about puddings!

BrendaBlackhead · 10/02/2015 13:08

Exactly what HellonHeels says.

I remember back in the dim and distant past going to friends' houses for tea and I was always a bit freaked by having to sit with the parents too. Normally I had the appetite of a horse but the combination of excitement at going to play at someone's house and the strange atmosphere would make me tense up and not able to eat much.

If someone had told me off for not eating my vegetables or whatever I would have been absolutely mortified and I'd have been very wary of going there again.

BrendaBlackhead · 10/02/2015 13:10

Actually I don't agree about puddings being unnecessary. We don't have puddings much, but if the dcs have a friend to tea I always give them a pudding of some sort as a treat. It's one day - huge piles of worthy kale aren't worth the angst.

LulaPalooza · 10/02/2015 13:28

I had a friend at school with really strict parents, who also in hindsight had 5 kids and very little money so I guess they hated seeing food go to waste.

I was a fussy eater but at her house it was basically eat what you are given and you can't leave the table until everything is finished.

So I used to drink gallons of water and use it to swallow mouthfuls of peas whole without chewing. Nice.

WineWineWine · 10/02/2015 18:15

Surely being forced to eat something you don't want to, just so you can have the pudding you were looking forward to is counter productive?

I completely agree. It reinforces the idea that veg isn't something you enjoy but you have to force it down in order to get the thing you really want, which is pudding.
It doesn't develop a great relationship with food.
Any why on earth should children have to eat everything on their plate? It teaches them to ignore the feeling of being full, and force down more because it's there. I don't always eat everything on my plate.

I provide a range of food, I encourage them to try new things, what they choose to eat is up to them.

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