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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to expect dd's friend to abide by our mealtime rules?

94 replies

Joolsy · 09/02/2015 20:37

Dd has a friend whose mum, like me, likes her kids to eat plenty of veg. For the past few times she's been over for tea,however, I've put veg on her plate that I know she likes (she's not fussy at all) but she says "I don't want any". I always get my kids to eat most of their veg or no pudding but a feel like a bit of a cow saying this to dds friend, however, I do feel she's trying it on as she probably wouldn't get away with it at home. I'm not being u to expect her to follow our rules am I?

OP posts:
Chunderella · 09/02/2015 21:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WineWineWine · 09/02/2015 21:40

This is not your child, you need to ask the mum how she wants you to handle it. Its not your job to ensure this girl eats her veg, and you can have different rules for your own DD to other guests.

pepperpigmustdie · 09/02/2015 21:42

op your not making sense. If she liked it she would gobble it up. Kids don't leave food they like.

She eats it at home as she is 'not allowed to get away with it' indicating she doesn't like it as there wouldn't be an issue. She might not like your crunchy veg.

You sound like you don't even like her!

bonhomme · 09/02/2015 21:43

It's not always possible to have different rules as your child starts to bend the rules if they see that you are treating another child differently.

WorraLiberty · 09/02/2015 21:46

Well that's where parenting comes in bonhomme

Since time began parents have been telling their children that they can't always do what their friends do, and they learn to accept that.

If my Mum had been this over invested in what my friends chose to eat, I would have been too embarrassed to invite any of them home.

bonhomme · 09/02/2015 21:47

Ha, love it! Sorry, my house, my rules!

pepperpigmustdie · 09/02/2015 21:48

Yes to worral

LingDiLong · 09/02/2015 21:48

Oh God, don't take this battle on! When my kids friends come over they don't always eat well and I happily let them get away with it - it's tiresome enough making my own kids eat. In fact I often - gasp - forego veg altogether when there are friends over. Or I put bowls of cucumber and tomatoes on the table so those that want it can help themselves.

Nanny0gg · 09/02/2015 21:50

Just leave the poor kid alone Honestly play dates are supposed to be happy occasions for kids to enjoy.They don't need someone on their back at dinner time when all they probably want to do, is bolt their food down and get back to playing

^^This

WorraLiberty · 09/02/2015 21:51

Whenever my DCs friends become unwell, I burst into tears and walk around the house gnashing and wailing...blaming the few times they came to tea and left their carrots and peas.

If only I had done more for their health...

bonhomme · 09/02/2015 21:52

There is a difference between an occasional play date and a regular occurrence.

Nospringflower · 09/02/2015 21:52

I don't make other children who come for tea eat their veg - they can eat it if they want to same as I make sure that what I give them to eat is something they like. It doesn't stop me getting my own children to eat their food - they know that we treat guests nicely!

My son (who is very fussy) got forced to eat a strawberry while at a friends for tea and he has vowed never to go back!

Shortofcash · 09/02/2015 22:53

Good idea who said to leave bowls of cucumber and tomatoes for dc to help themselves. Maybe do something different for tea like pizza and salad instead of veg. I used to hate going to one of my friends house for tea as her mum made me eat stew, so in the end I stopped going round. I wouldn't force another child to eat that's just not nice. I don't even force my own, in our house food is fun! Don't create battles where there shouldn't be any. I have a friend who forces her son to clear his plate and it's horrible to watch.

TheAnswerIsYes · 09/02/2015 23:20

I get your issue and I don't think that you are being unreasonable. I would apply the same rules as my child, no pudding if food not eaten (doesn't have to be all) but would offer a choice of veg (eg green beans or sweetcorn, peas or baked beans etc) they're more likely to eat it if they have chosen it.

ChippingInGluggingOn · 09/02/2015 23:30

Maybe your friend outs her veggies on at 9am and boils them all day, like her mother did and her mother before her...Grin

You are mixing up 'play date' and 'friends DD who practically lives here'. Just talk to your friend. If she wants her DD to eat the veg she needs to tell her that if she doesn't, she won't be staying for dinner and she needs to tell you to either 'make her' or tell her so she can follow through.

In fact, if it's causing a fuss with your kids, I'd be telling her that her DD is making a big fat fuss over her veg, but that you either need to 'make' her eat hers or she can't stop for her tea as it's too much grief with your DD's if she's allowed to leave her veg.

Discuss any veg she really doesn't like and any possible variations in the way the veg is cooked/served. I love veg, pretty much all of it. But I hate it with a gravy/sauce/dip.

Bettybodybooboo · 09/02/2015 23:40

Pssst never ever become a childminder!

Parents assume you have the magic formula to get their kids to eat a huge healthy tea! Confused even when they can't! And you feel guilty when they don't! Hmm

molyholy · 09/02/2015 23:57

Its a special treat on a playdate so eat what they want. Unless parent specifies dont give pudding until they have ate 'x'. But if they did I may think twice about inviting them again

rinabean · 10/02/2015 00:10

Don't make her eat it. Surely if she sits there staring at it waiting for afters while everyone else is eating it she'll eat it if she wants it?

Try asking her. Is it too crunchy? Do you want ketchup or something? How do you eat it at home? You might find she always eats it with pepper on or something and she's been shy to ask. If she genuinely doesn't like vegetables don't force them on her. One meal won't hurt her, let her enjoy her dinner

wellysrule · 10/02/2015 00:44

I'm going to go completely against the grain here. Your house, your rules. I would give pathetically small portions and ensure she eats everything.

I will always check with parents/kid if there is anything they don't like or especially would like and always try and accommodate them. I always get the kids through to the kitchen when serving to check how much they want. And everyone always finishes what is on their plate, guest or not - "I'm not stopping at the bin on the way to the sink" is one of my favourite sayings!

I recently had my friends son over (he's usually over once a week) both he and my son are veggie so I went with a tofu stirfry. It was truly bogging. Non of us liked it but we all ate it because that was what was for supper. (and I've promised them to never make that particular dish again)

Also, at no point has OP come across as not liking her DD's friend.

Duskydawn · 10/02/2015 01:58

I will always put out 2-3 different veggies. If I know the friend, I will try to make sure there is at least one veg I know they like. Otherwise I go for choices that are plain and most popular with kids e.g. Broccoli, sweetcorn, and raw carrot sticks, that way there is at least one hot and one cold veg option. Most kids will like at least one of these.

I will serve them/ ask them to serve themselves at least one, and encourage them to have at least a mouthful of it. Doesn't always work, but most of the time it does. I wouldn't withold dessert though, because at the end of the day I want them to have had an enjoyable visit and not be hungry.

MummyPig24 · 10/02/2015 04:06

I usually ask the child if they would likeo to try one bite and if they still refuse I don't push it. They probably are trying it on but I'm not their parent so it's not my job to enforce it.

Mehitabel6 · 10/02/2015 06:35

I would just leave it up to the child- she is only visiting and I can't see why it has any bearing on your rules with your children.

MiddleAgedandConfused · 10/02/2015 09:32

My DS is a very plain eater - a meat and potato guy. When he was in Y1 he stopped wanting to go to friends' houses and I worked out that he was afraid what he would be given for tea. So from then on, I always spoke to the parent beforehand and explained and offered to pick him up before tea if they were having something 'fancy'. Every parent was absolutely fine. After that, I also asked every child who came for tea what they liked to eat to avoid this problem.
I agree with other posters that it is not your responsibility to get veg into other people's kids.

LucilleBluth · 10/02/2015 09:37

I always do pizza and crudités for play dates etc. I have three DCs rani gong from 13 to four, it always goes down well.......it's good to chill a little when friends are over IMO.

Mehitabel6 · 10/02/2015 09:39

I don't think you have any responsibility. It is a social occasion for the child. You serve the meal- they eat it or don't eat it. You just mention to the mother if they didn't eat much, so that she knows.