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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To view family 'help and concern' as controlling and patronising?

57 replies

Needgloves · 08/02/2015 22:03

I have recently split from my abusive partner - he has moved out after I threatened to call the police about his violent behaviour. So now living alone with my ds and feeling a lot better. I really want to start up my own business and I have got a plan which I am excited about and think, could work.
I am constantly getting interrogated by my family and ex in laws about my financial situation and today my mil said to me that I 'need to make sure I have enough money coming in to pay the mortgage' (no shit!!) and 'the thing about doing your own thing and being creative is that it will probably only give you pocket money' and then she wants to know the figures and details of my finances and asks if I have worked it all out. I honestly felt about 12. And I thought, it's none of your f*ing business!
Then I hear her on the phone talking about me as if I am a flipping child. I think they all think I am nuts to want to start a business and doomed to fail.
I feel so downhearted now and annoyed because I can spoken to/about like I am a poor little deluded idiot. Angry

Or are they just being concerned and I am being ungrateful? It's not like they are horrible (apart from my father who really does think I am a major problem)
Why should I have to justify myself.

OP posts:
DoJo · 08/02/2015 22:10

Perhaps they are concerned that taking on a new business at a time when you have already had a lot of upheaval might not be a good idea. Or that if you don't manage to make a go of it it will knock your confidence.

Either way, unless you have asked them for financial support or solicited their advice, I would just ignore them - they probably want what's best for you, but that doesn't mean it isn't annoying!

TwinkieTwinkle · 08/02/2015 22:16

You've recently undergone a massive change in your life. It is normal for family to worry about you under the circumstance, when you add in you deciding (what might seem spur of the moment thing to them) to start your own business when you are your sole income and have a mortgage, I think it is reasonable they voice concern. Perhaps MIL was politely trying to point out your plan has holes and you are potentially going to cause yourself problems, without being rude and too upfront?

daisychain01 · 08/02/2015 22:17

Being interrogated about your financial position is very different to them showing you concern. I would be inclined to keep your plans under wraps. You sound like you are perfectly capable of making your own decisions!

Original poster
Needgloves · 08/02/2015 22:17

Thanks DoJo thats a very fair point. I am supposed I am just annoyed that i feel I have to justify myself to people. And their doubting attitude had knocked my confidence already before I've even begun...

OP posts:
Original poster
Needgloves · 08/02/2015 22:21

I am just sick of being interrogated. Is it wrong to want to just cut them all out and get on with my plans?

OP posts:
HootsMon · 08/02/2015 22:23

Do you have a back-up plan, income wise, if your business does not work out? They think that, if you haven't thought things through financially, they will have to bail you out at some point in the future. Which would make it very much their business.

Original poster
Needgloves · 08/02/2015 22:33

It's just that I sense control here.
I have a very controlling xp and also father.
I have a gut feeling that there is abusive tendencies in my in laws.
Sometimes I just want to be on my own and cut myself off from then because whenever I spend time with these people I feel like shit for a couple of days Sad I have been feeling so much more happier positive recently and know I feel that all my balloons have been popped.

OP posts:
Original poster
Needgloves · 08/02/2015 22:34

Sorry, should read 'now I feel..'

OP posts:
DoJo · 08/02/2015 22:36

I am just sick of being interrogated. Is it wrong to want to just cut them all out and get on with my plans?

In that case, you need a stock phrase for when you are asked something that you think is none of someone else's business.

'Yes - I'm on the case.'
'It's all in my spreadsheet'
'You don't have to worry - it's all taken care of'

Something bright and breezy but non-committal so it doesn't open up the discussion for more questions. I know it must be hard, and I'm sure they don't want to knock your confidence, but your parents in particular must be so thrilled that you are no longer in an abusive situation - perhaps they just want to wrap you in cotton wool and protect you from anything that might upset you! (If it helps - imagine your son as an adult and how you would feel if he was in your shoes - I find that makes it a lot easier to bear my parents' slight tendency to over-worry!).

anothernumberone · 08/02/2015 22:39

yep to the stock phrases 'the business advisor is happy with what I showed her' etc.

DoJo · 08/02/2015 22:40

Although the in-laws need to butt out - your plans aren't any of their business and if they want to get on someone's case, they should be interrogating their son as to what the fuck he was thinking when he was being violent towards you. Is there any reason you have to stay in contact with them? Because you don't want them sharing information with your ex about what you're up to - you need as clean a break as possible.

Original poster
Needgloves · 08/02/2015 22:41

Thanks DoJo that's really good advice about the standard reply.
Unfortunately though my parents are not thrilled, and think the abuse is my fault and they couldn't give a flying monkeys if I am upset. They are also abusive.

OP posts:
Original poster
Needgloves · 08/02/2015 22:44

Yes the more I think about it the more I think more distance is needed.
I think there are a lot of f**d up attitudes on my family side and xp's

OP posts:
Original poster
Needgloves · 08/02/2015 22:47

To be honest I feel like I am starting to think that i am going mad because I just don't trust anyone in my immediate circle. I sit round the table and think 'yep, that's abusuve' and 'you're a perpetrator'. And then I think bloody hell is it me surely you can't ALL be like that.

OP posts:
DoJo · 08/02/2015 22:48

Oh dear - it sounds like you need to rid yourself of more than just your ex. So long as you and your son are happy, that's really all that matters and all their mithering on about your plans isn't going to help unless they are offering some practical advice or support. Perhaps you could let them discuss it amongst themselves and tell them to leave you out of it! Good luck - it sounds like you have what it takes to succeed given what you have been through - if you can make it out of the other side of an abusive relationship, then starting a business should be a piece of cake!

DoJo · 08/02/2015 22:51

If you have grown up in an abusive situation, then the chances of finding yourself in an abusive relationship were always going to be pretty high. Don't doubt yourself - if something doesn't sit right with you, then it doesn't matter what anyone else would think, you don't have to put up with it.

Hakluyt · 08/02/2015 22:56

But you have consulted a business advisor about your plans, haven't you?

EssexMummy123 · 08/02/2015 23:01

Check out the stately homes thread on the relationships board for moral support with toxic relatives, good luck with the business :-)

Original poster
Needgloves · 08/02/2015 23:22

Thanks DoJo.. I sometimes don't know what to think. And I was feeling so much better but now i am doubting myself and feeling low again. When you described how normal loving parents should be it sounded so alien to me but that's how it should be. Guess it hit home. Just feel so damn alone sometimes..
hakluyt - Yes I have a business advisor and have got a name/logo & working on business plan. Have got a meeting with job centre person next week to get advice on government support etc.
but I am also looking for part time and/or freelance work and have an interview next week so keeping my options open. I am certainly not going back full time, I tried that and it was hell.
maybe I should be more worried but I am not. i just feel very determined to make it work. Everyone else seems to be very very worried so it is making me worried. Maybe I have my head in the clouds I don't know.
Thanks for that essexmummy I would love to join you Smile

OP posts:
DoJo · 09/02/2015 01:11

You know how loving parents should act - you are living it every day with your son. If you look at him and wonder how your parents could ever do x,y or z to someone that they are supposed to love as much as you love him, then you know it's not 'normal' and certainly not the kind of relationship you should be pursuing.
If they are worried for any reason other than your happiness, then fuck them - they should be supporting you and helping you to make the most of your new found freedom, not undermining your confidence and making you question yourself.

Original poster
Needgloves · 09/02/2015 08:08

Exactly, it's hard sometimes trying to ascertain whether it's concern or control. Especially as I have always doubted myself Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
Needgloves · 09/02/2015 08:11

When I talk to women's aid/ family support workers I get a completely different attitude and walk out feeling positive and empowered. Then when I spend time with family I feel like they think I am a deluded child that can't look after herself

OP posts:
DoJo · 09/02/2015 09:08

Unfortunately, the only way to avoid that is not to spend time with them. I doubt that they will change, and someone who blames you for being abused isn't ever going to be the kind of parent you deserve. Spend more time with people who make you feel good about yourself and less with those who don't - easy for me to say I know, but it's a good goal to have in mind!

BestZebbie · 09/02/2015 09:23

You do need to be aware that it might be several years before your start-up makes a profit or you can draw a wage for yourself from it - this is normal but means that relying on it to keep you both from day 1 is unrealistic.

However, I'd assume that you've already been told that by your actual business advisors, and so there is no need for your family to get involved informally as well! "Concern" about something you have chosen to do/be is pretty much always a bit patronising, even if well-meaning, because it basically just says 'I think you are wrong/misguided/irresponsible', even if the second part is 'and so I want to save you from yourself'. :-/

Hakluyt · 09/02/2015 09:34

Bear in mind that they may just be concerned about you and want to help.

If you are planning on keeping yourself and your son on income from a business start up, I would concerned about you and want to help too.

And from a purely self interested point of view, whatever you do don't cut off any source of free child care. That might make all the difference between success and failure for your new business.