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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To view family 'help and concern' as controlling and patronising?

57 replies

Needgloves · 08/02/2015 22:03

I have recently split from my abusive partner - he has moved out after I threatened to call the police about his violent behaviour. So now living alone with my ds and feeling a lot better. I really want to start up my own business and I have got a plan which I am excited about and think, could work.
I am constantly getting interrogated by my family and ex in laws about my financial situation and today my mil said to me that I 'need to make sure I have enough money coming in to pay the mortgage' (no shit!!) and 'the thing about doing your own thing and being creative is that it will probably only give you pocket money' and then she wants to know the figures and details of my finances and asks if I have worked it all out. I honestly felt about 12. And I thought, it's none of your f*ing business!
Then I hear her on the phone talking about me as if I am a flipping child. I think they all think I am nuts to want to start a business and doomed to fail.
I feel so downhearted now and annoyed because I can spoken to/about like I am a poor little deluded idiot. Angry

Or are they just being concerned and I am being ungrateful? It's not like they are horrible (apart from my father who really does think I am a major problem)
Why should I have to justify myself.

OP posts:
PulpsNotFiction · 09/02/2015 09:49

Unless you've got massive start up costs, I can't see the problem. Are you currently on JSA? If you're going through the gov't NEA project then you remain on JSA through your test trading period AFAIK so you won't be any worse off.

Good luck! Go for it!

Original poster
Needgloves · 09/02/2015 10:17

Thanks everyone x
No my start up costs are going to be very minimal and I am going to work my way up from there. I've also got a business mentor who is helping me put together a plan and focus in the right direction.
In terms of government support I am seeing a family support worker this week who is going to go through all my options. She told me that in my area my area does offer lots of support.
I am going to see how possible it is for me to get by until I get going properly.
Pulpnotfiction - could I just ask what the new project is? Perhaps that will be explained to me in my appointment!

OP posts:
Original poster
Needgloves · 09/02/2015 10:18

Sorry meant NEA project!

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Bettybodybooboo · 09/02/2015 10:27

Op if I was your mil I would be kicking my sons arse for being abusive and violent and hanging my had in shame at bringing up such a man!

Your inlaws should be supporting you as should your parents.

Friendly supportive concern can't really be mixed up with being overbearing and nosy.

Go for it op and good luck.

Original poster
Needgloves · 09/02/2015 11:02

Yes exactly that's the annoying thing. Although they know he is abusive and violent, they try and analyse it and 'understand' his frustrations. They also listen seriously to him about his 'concerns' about me being able to cope. As if they are still trying to fix it and get us back together again. It's really annoying.

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PulpsNotFiction · 09/02/2015 13:48

It's called the New Enterprise Allowance. You get a business mentor, assistance with securing funding, business plan etc and remain on JSA while test trading for a period of 13 weeks I think. I'm a bit hazy as I've not worked in this area now for a couple of years but I know it's still running but it's possible the criteria has changed. I'ts a hugely successful project, which is run by people who have successfully set up their own businesses so will help you network and it works really well. You'll get more up to date advice at your appointment though I'm sure.

Hissy · 09/02/2015 15:04

You do know that the reason you ended up in an abusive relationship is because you were MADE to think that being controlled, infantilised and belittled is what was normal, don't you?

they try and analyse it and 'understand' his frustrations
NORMAL parents would want to tear his fucking head off, not understand his concerns ffs.

they want you back together because it makes their crappy lives look better and you being hurt, abused and damaged makes them HAPPY.

Distance yourself from them, keep any kids you have close to you and away from them and if they won't take no for an answer, tell them all to FTFO and to leave you alone.

Have you done the Freedom Programme?

DoJo · 09/02/2015 19:22

Needgloves - you don't have to answer, but did you post on here before? I remember a thread from someone looking for support to help get free of an abusive partner and her parents were undermining her at every opportunity and trying to convince her she was the problem. If you are, then I am glad you have managed to leave, and if not, well, I'm still glad and I hope that your story can give strength to others who might find themselves in your position and need the reassurance that there is life on the other side! You are an inspiration!

Original poster
Needgloves · 09/02/2015 23:10

Thanks Hissy for your reply. You are right. Even today I had mil saying I should call her if ever I want to talk, but also to let her know if xp is ok and if he has another 'blip' to keep an eye on him, as she wants us both to be happy. Sometimes I feel I get a lot of support from her but then she says something like that and my heart sinks.
I am also getting very annoyed by the soap box/lecture moments as if she knows everything and I know very little so I have to literally be told. Sometimes the most obvious stuff is spelt out to me I feel quite offended and spend half my time trying to correct and justify.
For example the comment about the fact that I need to earn enough money to keep my bills/ mortgage paid. I mean, no s**! it was said in a knowing way if it must be a totally new concept to me.
Do they think I am really that stupid.

Dojo - yes, it is me thank you for remembering! I had to delete the thread at the end.
The support I had from you and others was amazing and helped me so so much, thank you. I miss it SadXp Has moved out now and situation much better. But abuse still continues from all directions and I am trying to get my life in order!

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Original poster
Needgloves · 09/02/2015 23:25

And thanks so much pulpsnotfiction for clarifying! I will ask about that when I see her x

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Bettybodybooboo · 09/02/2015 23:32

Keep going op you sound strong and sorted.

Don't let anyone undermine you.

Original poster
Needgloves · 09/02/2015 23:32

Bettybodybooboo - yep it just feels nosy and interfering. I often wonder if it's just me but when I get real, true support like on MN for example, its a completely different kettle of fish. I know it's well meant and sincere and its invaluable x

OP posts:
Original poster
Needgloves · 09/02/2015 23:33

Thanks bettybody, just crossed your last post! Smile

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DoJo · 09/02/2015 23:37

Glad it is you - I did wonder what had happened and hoped that you had bitten the bullet, but it is doubly hard not having a supportive family so you should be really proud of yourself. You've done the hard bit, you've rid yourself of the most pressing negative influence in your life, you just need to recharge for a bit before you begin to disengage from the other people who are dragging you down.

You can't fix their fucked up relationships with each other, all you can do is refuse to have one yourself. You don't have to listen to them, you don't have to accept their 'help' and you don't have to let them chip away at your confidence - they aren't trying to help you, they are trying to maintain the status quo so that they don't have to deal with too much change.

Loving parents would be embracing your new-found enthusiasm and be thrilled that you were feeling confident and happier. If they aren't doing that then they need not bloody comment quite frankly!

Original poster
Needgloves · 10/02/2015 00:45

You've hit the nail on the head their DoJo - they have all got fucked up relationships with each other. But I find it hard because that is my 'normal' and I'm told that life is like that and we have to take the rough with the smooth. I am made to feel like i am being too harsh by saying 'no that is not acceptable and I am not going to spend the next 2 weeks talking about why/how I can make things better for xyz, when xyz is probably down the pub watching football and couldn't give a rats arse anyway' I mean, what a complete and utter waste of time!
I can't help feeling guilty though that I am being intolerant.
Also I worry that I have given always too much info to my mil about my plans because she (in the nicest possible way which makes it confusing) tries to dictate what she thinks I should do withouy actually listening to what I want to do/ or have actually planned.
And she discusses me with everone else so that will be the topic of conversation no doubt for the next however long. I am sick to death of being treated like a child. I said that to my father the other day and his response was that I behaved like one and then went on to complain about how many problems I caused them when I was a teenager. For goodness sake I am a grown woman with a child Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
Needgloves · 10/02/2015 00:57

Do you think it's ok to just cut myself off from all of them for a period of time until I feel better about things and have got myself sorted? I am doing the freedom programme at the moment which is uncovering everything and I havebeen told that this is only the beginning of recovery. I have to keep working at it. Feeling a lot lot better and it's amazing to have positive encouraging people around me now.
When I spend time with family I gi back to feeling like that 'stupid little girl' x

OP posts:
TheSkiingGardener · 10/02/2015 06:35

It's ok to cut yourself off for as long as you damn well like! In a normal, loving family you care about each other and get support from each other. If yours aren't doing that then cut them loose!

skylark2 · 10/02/2015 08:07

"but also to let her know if xp is ok and if he has another 'blip' to keep an eye on him"

Why on earth would you even know whether your xp who has moved out is ok?

Do you think that her only contact with him is via you? That might explain (not justify, but explain) why she's so desperate to stay in close contact with you.

funchum8am · 10/02/2015 08:18

The response to them saying "life's like that" is "your life may be like that; I choose for mine not to be". Most people's lives do not involve abusive or dysfunctional relationships with partners and close family, but to those who are in families like that it might seem that they do, sadly.

Original poster
Needgloves · 10/02/2015 08:39

Thanks all x
And do you think I'm being a cow by cutting off a family member who seems to be supportive, calls me all the time, and says she cares, but makes me feel very patronised?

OP posts:
Original poster
Needgloves · 10/02/2015 08:44

It's like she wants to sort my life out for me and take the credit for it, basically. That's what it feels like.

OP posts:
Original poster
Needgloves · 10/02/2015 08:46

But I never feel like that with people who are genuinely supportive to can't be me..,

OP posts:
MistressDeeCee · 10/02/2015 09:13

They can go and interrogate their son about his abuse of you, and what his financial position is.

Original poster
Needgloves · 10/02/2015 09:24

Exactly! They never do though, in fact mil 'saved' him from getting reported to the police by persuading me not too. Because it would 'mess' up his life. She says she doesn't condone his behaviour but calling the police is severe as he is violent out of 'anger and frustration'.
Don't get me wrong, they are really pissed off with him but they are also offering their support to him. So it's like they are trying be diplomats. Meanwhile xp continues to treat me like dirt and upset me.
He bloody well doesn't give them the time of day anyway. I am the one who sorts out bday/Xmas presents for example he doesn't give it a second thought and he says he has no respect for them.
Bloody hell. Sorry for essay it's all so complicated..Confused

OP posts:
shovetheholly · 10/02/2015 09:31

I am slightly concerned that these in laws - presumably the parents of your abusive partner? - are so involved in your life. And that you are still worrying about who buys them birthday and Christmas presents, when the relationship with your ex is over. It's like your pattern of thinking and doing with them hasn't really changed to reflect the realities of the separation.

I'm not saying that you shouldn't see or have contact with them - they are your DC's grandparents! - but that it's completely reasonable for you to want to have a bit more distance from them to reflect the new circumstances, and also to give you the emotional space you need to move on. You sound as though you are surrounded by people who are interested in your XP, but not in you - and that needs to change!

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