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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel worried about being alone

74 replies

candyflosssky · 08/02/2015 13:47

Please don't flame me for being pathetic, but what I'm trying to explain here is not the actual literal sense of being alone.

I mean - having no one on your side, being almost totally isolated from 'normal' adult life, seeing only the children six out of seven days a week. Not having anyone to cry to when it feels too much or similar.

I'm seeing a solicitor tomorrow and I feel SICK with worry about what this may mean for us, for our family.

OP posts:

chinstrappenguin · 08/02/2015 13:50

OP can you tell us a bit more about what is happening in your life?

EatShitDerek · 08/02/2015 13:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GokTwo · 08/02/2015 13:55

I really feel for you. I assume this means you don't feel you can be with your partner anymore. I think the only way to get through it is to think of the positives of leaving a relationship that isn't working. It's very hard though.

GokTwo · 08/02/2015 13:56

Having said that I actively enjoyed being a single parent certainly more than trying to parent within a relationship that was falling apart.

Original poster

candyflosssky · 08/02/2015 14:03

The problem is, I know he's going to make my life an utter misery and it's that and the ramifications of dealing with that which have me waking up dry-mouthed in terror.

I want to leave but it's so, so hard and will take so much courage.

OP posts:

GokTwo · 08/02/2015 14:12

That does sound absolutely horrible. Have you got a supportive family?

Original poster

candyflosssky · 08/02/2015 14:14

No, I don't have anyone.

This is what is so awful. Every single time he kicks off, it will be dumped on me and me alone. And I'll just have to deal with all his crap and mind games and misery, all the time.

OP posts:

Goneintohibernation · 08/02/2015 14:17

But if your partner is like that, you are already on your own, with him gone, at least you can shut him out, and maybe start to build up a support network of your own?

GokTwo · 08/02/2015 14:17

Oh Candy, that's a really hard situation to be in on your own. How old are your children?

Original poster

candyflosssky · 08/02/2015 14:18

Not really, because I can appease him and keep him happy when he's here, but when I say I want to end the marriage he will get nasty. Do you see what I mean?

My chances of a support network are small in a rural area where I don't work and can barely manage to leave the house on a day to day basis but can try.

OP posts:

Original poster

candyflosssky · 08/02/2015 14:19

DS is nearly 8; dd is 10 months.

OP posts:

ilovesooty · 08/02/2015 14:21

You're already as alone as you can be. Honestly i don't think it can be much worse and in the long run it will be a lot better.
Well done on the solicitor and make sure you tell him/her exactly how it is and what your fears are. Make the isolation and the financial and emotional abuse clear and don't make excuses for him.

Original poster

candyflosssky · 08/02/2015 14:29

But it can be worse, if he turns DS against me and DD as she gets older. Takes my home, my money, my life away.

I'm going to do it - I CAN'T live like this any more, this weekend has been horrific. It's no longer a choice between mum and dad together, it's a choice between mum and dad apart or no mum at all as I cannot cannot CANNOT live like this. But that doesn't mean I am not shitting myself. Literally. My stomach is churning.

OP posts:

ilovesooty · 08/02/2015 14:33

He won't take your home away.

And quite frankly your life at the moment is awful and he dictates the money anyway. He'll certainly turn your children against you if you stay and they see you being treated as though you're worth nothing.

Of course you're afraid:that's natural. You've shown courage in booking the solicitor's appointment. That must have been hard.

Original poster

candyflosssky · 08/02/2015 14:36

It was, although I don't even know if it's courage so much as desperation.

He can, surely, well in a roundabout way, as I don't work and will need to live. He can afford to buy another 'equivalent' home; I obviously can't. He is so good at twisting things, I think another three years and DS will hate me. I just hope he will understand when he's an adult.

OP posts:

Goneintohibernation · 08/02/2015 14:41

Benefits will provide you with enough to live on, and somewhere to live until you get yourself sorted. I suspect you will be surprised when you get away from him, and have the chance to think clearly, how little power he actually has over you. Right now, he wants you to feel powerless, but he is wrong! The children won't hate you. One day they will thank you for getting out of that situation with them.

ilovesooty · 08/02/2015 14:41

Well, you'll probably have to consider getting a job but there's no way you'll lose your home. Financially you're in a stronger position than most.

And hold onto the fact that your son will learn to model his father's behaviour if you stay and your relationship with him will be far more at risk long term than if you leave - or if your husband has to leave.

ilovesooty · 08/02/2015 14:43

Actually scrap that : your daughter's only 8 months old so you won't have to work at this point.

Original poster

candyflosssky · 08/02/2015 14:46

Gone, it's not that straightforward, I own our home outright along with two others. DH will get half of everything, as is his right since we are married - but I don't have his earning capacity, in other words, he will build on the income while I will spend it to live.

Then because of the above I doubt I'll be entitled to any benefits.

Sometimes it does feel like everyone's better off without me, it's like I'm living in a nightmare only I can see.

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Original poster

candyflosssky · 08/02/2015 14:46

Do you mean with regard to money from DH ils? She's 1 in April. And I'm pregnant again.

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ilovesooty · 08/02/2015 14:49

Any financial settlement is negotiated taking earning capacity into account. Honestly, get good legal advice and take it from there.

Original poster

candyflosssky · 08/02/2015 14:52

I will do; I'm sorry.

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MessyHairSoThere · 08/02/2015 15:01

talk to your solicitor. just tell her/him the facts and figures and they will do their best to get you your share. Relocation to a cheaper part of the country might make your money go further, if you have no family to rely on anyway, take your 'pot' and start again somewhere else.

It is worth it op, it's like pulling the rug out from under your life, but it's what has to be done to get on with your REAL life which is what comes next.

MessyHairSoThere · 08/02/2015 15:02

ps, i'm less lonely now as a single parent. the most intense loneliness I ever felt was when there was a person right there beside me.

Original poster

candyflosssky · 08/02/2015 15:03

We don't live somewhere shockingly expensive, but in any case, this is 'my' area, where I grew up, I really, really don't want to leave and besides DS is settled and doing well at school.

I have absolutely NO one anyway so I hear what you're saying - doesn't make much difference. But it does. Moving here is the one thing he's conceded to in 10 years of marriage, I just think leaving would be a killer, for me.

OP posts:

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