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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel worried about being alone

74 replies

candyflosssky · 08/02/2015 13:47

Please don't flame me for being pathetic, but what I'm trying to explain here is not the actual literal sense of being alone.

I mean - having no one on your side, being almost totally isolated from 'normal' adult life, seeing only the children six out of seven days a week. Not having anyone to cry to when it feels too much or similar.

I'm seeing a solicitor tomorrow and I feel SICK with worry about what this may mean for us, for our family.

OP posts:
Original poster
candyflosssky · 08/02/2015 15:05

It isn't the loneliness as I'm used to that, it's more the fact he's going to put me through utter hell and I and I alone will have to deal with that.

In a way I think if he died I'd be okay. Which sounds awful, sorry, I'm just trying to explain what I mean.

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MessyHairSoThere · 08/02/2015 15:08

Well, scrap that suggestion then! You can survive with less.

Although initially leaving my x was very stressful and I didn't know which end was up for a while, it all came together. As other people have said, there is a system in place to support you if you can't make the figures add up to your outgoings. FIS. I think you are allowed some savings too!! I know I was, I declared my precious savings and so my benefits were means tested and reduced but I still got them, and it allowed me get to the point where I could pull myself back out of dependency on the state, if you see what I mean.

Tell the solicitor everything, tell the social welfare people everything, brace yourself for a lot of form filling, and kind of buckle down and accept that the next few weeks are goinng to be a time of change for you.

But change is awful when you're in a really cosy content place! you're not there. Your life is stressful and unhappy, so change is a risk worth taking.

You will be ok. You're not obliged to have another baby. You could have a termination. I thought about it with my dc2.

ilovesooty · 08/02/2015 15:08

No reason for you to leave and uproot yourself especially as you have a home and your son is settled at school.

You'll have a lot of change to contend with without considering that.

And once the separation has happened you'll be able to build your confidence and establish some support networks. You'll benefit and so will the children - as you'll be happier.

It won't happen overnight but things will get better.

MessyHairSoThere · 08/02/2015 15:10

Ah, the old "if he died that would suit me" chestnut. LOTS of us have thought that. Unfortunately you can't remove him from the world, you have to remove yourself from his life.

Original poster
candyflosssky · 08/02/2015 15:11

Thanks. Messy I thought about it, when I first found out, but I just couldn't, when it came to it, I thought maybe things weren't too bad and I could cope. But I can't. Now I'm past 12 weeks, I just can't.

ilove do you think staying here as in this home is a possibility? I just know he'd want to try and stay here to spite me Sad can just SEE the smug look on his face especially when he moves another girlfriend in.

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ilovesooty · 08/02/2015 16:16

I think there's every possibility you'll be able to stay. Just talk to the solicitor. Smile

MessyHairSoThere · 08/02/2015 16:18

I get it. Don't worry. I did the same!

Original poster
candyflosssky · 08/02/2015 16:19

I will do. He's been so awful, I just can't stay. I really wondered about just walking out before and taking the children with me, but I just think ultimately it would be too unsettling for them.

Thanks. Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
candyflosssky · 08/02/2015 16:21

Since everyone's being nice (so far!) I just want to cry. I am depressed (PND) combined with morning sickness, only it's all day sickness, DS is so difficult now, DD is teething, I feel so alone and terrified and I'm going to admit I feel so vulnerable.

OP posts:
DixieNormas · 08/02/2015 16:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DixieNormas · 08/02/2015 16:25

This reply has been deleted

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simonettavespucci · 08/02/2015 16:32

Candy - you're the primary carer, so there is every chance you will get to keep the family home, but talk to the solicitor - they will be able to give you better advice.

What is being done about the PND? I thought you sounded depressed on your other thread. Could you start seeing a counsellor - it's not the same as rl support, but might make you feel less alone?

You will get through this! And, hopefully, end up in a lovely, supportive relationship where you are not alone at all.

Good for you on arranging to see a lawyer - baby steps as they say.

Original poster
candyflosssky · 08/02/2015 16:34

Yeah, I have, thanks, it's helping in the sense that I feel I can leave. But I'm still very very upset about it, if that even makes any sense.

I won't have another relationship, not while the children are still living at home. It isn't fair.

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GokTwo · 08/02/2015 16:53

You have ALOT on your plate. I would be livid if anyone flamed you op. I have no experience of divorce (I split up with a partner when dd was small but it was not complicated apart from emotionally) so can't offer any advice about the legal ins and outs but I hope you get some excellent advice from your solicitor. When are you planning to tell your H that you want to break up with him?

Original poster
candyflosssky · 08/02/2015 17:00

I don't know. It will have to be soon: I wasn't one of us out by the end of the week.

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Blueboatinghat · 08/02/2015 18:34

It'll be fine. You just need courage from the sounds of things.

ilovesooty · 08/02/2015 19:00

I'm sure the solicitor will be able to give you information. You could try writing down the questions you want to ask before you go.

Original poster
candyflosssky · 08/02/2015 19:06

That's a good idea. Thanks. I'm more worked out now, I think, than I will be tomorrow. I think even if I got told I'm entitled to nothing, I could cope. It's the not knowing that's awful.

I feel relieved in a way now I've made the decision, now I've no other choice if you like, but I do worry the rest of my life is going to be horribly lonely and dull and hard, alone with three children. That's not a reason for staying, but I feel so guilty as in a way I wish I had never met him. And I have children with him, so am I saying I wish they didn't exist, in a roundabout way yes I suppose so, but I don't mean I don't love them. My son is - honestly, I don't know how on earth we produced him but he's the loveliest child. My baby girl is gorgeous. How can I say I don't want them? Yet I feel burdened with them and that's vile?

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ilovesooty · 08/02/2015 19:12

No it isn't vile. It's not a reflection on them -it's about how scared you are at the moment.

Whatever's happened to drive you into this action now make sure you tell the solicitor about it -it may be relevant to your options and your next steps.

Original poster
candyflosssky · 08/02/2015 19:24

It's the drip drip effect over a number of years, and it's so damaging to all of us. You don't even realise it's impacting on the children - so easy to fool yourself into thinking he's a good dad and in his weird way he does really love them, but DS asked if I wanted to hide some jeans I bought in his room 'so dad doesn't see'. That's not normal.

He mocks us all, especially me obviously. Like if I'm trying to make a serious point he mimics my voice and makes me sound shrill and hysterical (I'm not, or I don't think I am.) Loses his temper and it comes out physically - not really hitting us but punching things near us like walls, chairs, getting into personal space and thundering over people. He's tall and well built. I've told him it's actually really scary, and if it scares me OF COURSE it scares a 7 year old, but it's never his fault. It's always us, we drove him to it, he wouldn't have to if we were better people is basically what it comes down to.

He sneers at me all the time, and I don't know why. I wrote a story for DD and it was a bit silly and whimsical but I just thought, if something happened to me, I want her to know how I felt about her. It ended up coming out in a poem and conceded it was a shit poem Smile but he found it and turned it into something so toe-curlingly embarrassing I don't even like thinking about it and I hate him for turning my sweet poem into something I hate thinking about.

He's so clever. Too clever. He twists things around out of their original context to make him look like he saved the day.

Sometimes he can be charm personified.

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holeinmyheart · 08/02/2015 19:34

You are so lovely. I have no answers but I do know an organisation called ' Homestart' that help families free with children under five. It might be someone to talk things over with. They come and help wash up, support etc. they might be worth contacting for practical help.

You sound so utterly desperate but all the Mumsnetters who have been there and have come out the other side, say that you can do this.
Your DCs will have a pretty good idea who did what, they are not stupid so it is unlikely your DH will be able to turn him against you.
Xx

Original poster
candyflosssky · 08/02/2015 19:37

Thanks so much. That's really kind of you.

Rightly or wrongly, I often feel I can't access the sorts of support that typically I might be able to because of our income level. DHs is high anyway. We have a five bed detached home mortgage free. I own two other smaller properties mortgage free. Should be laughing.

I'm not, because I know DH will fight for them. To be honest I don't even care but that is / was my parents money and I want it to be my children's. Or some of it anyway.

Ironically the one career I am interested in is social work. I should probably volunteer for something like that myself when dd and dc3 (I am an idiot) are older ...

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ilovesooty · 08/02/2015 19:43

You must tell the solicitor about the physical intimidation. It's very important that you do.

Original poster
candyflosssky · 08/02/2015 19:49

Thanks. Why? Sorry if that's a dense question.

I've no proof - well, apart from DS but obviously I'd rather he wasn't dragged into it.

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bettyboop1970 · 08/02/2015 19:52

I'm sorry you and your family are suffering at the hands of an abusive monster. Contemplating a life alone is not easy, but it is easier than having to live with the abuse you have stated. The most important thing is you are ready to take the steps necessary to stop it. Your self-esteem has been eroded over the years by this nasty twat. You are not an idiot, you have been undermined and brain washed by him to believe you are. Stay strong and focused, there are inspirational threads on the relationship board. I wish you all the bestFlowers