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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel worried about being alone

74 replies

candyflosssky · 08/02/2015 13:47

Please don't flame me for being pathetic, but what I'm trying to explain here is not the actual literal sense of being alone.

I mean - having no one on your side, being almost totally isolated from 'normal' adult life, seeing only the children six out of seven days a week. Not having anyone to cry to when it feels too much or similar.

I'm seeing a solicitor tomorrow and I feel SICK with worry about what this may mean for us, for our family.

OP posts:
Original poster
candyflosssky · 08/02/2015 19:54

Thanks Betty.

It helps knowing I can offload a bit on here, I've not been well, lately. When I am poorly I get very paranoid and think people are criticising me when they are not.

I may not really have meant to bring my children into the world but since I have I have to do what's right for them, and that isn't the same as what's easy.

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ilovesooty · 08/02/2015 19:57

If he's intimidating that is part of the unreasonable behaviour you'll be citing in the divorce petition.

And I'm not sure about this (solicitor will know) but I imagine it would strengthen a case for you being in the house and him being ask to live elsewhere.

ilovesooty · 08/02/2015 19:57

asked

Original poster
candyflosssky · 08/02/2015 20:00

Does he have to 'obey'? Stupid question I know, but I just know he's going to fight and fight dirty. I have a few cards in my hand but obviously I'd prefer things to be as straightforward as possible.

For instance, he will say I'm an unfit parent due to PND.

He will claim I had an emotional affair.

He will say I'm irresponsible with money.

In return, I say he is the unfit parent who shouts and uses physicality to express himself.

He has been unfaithful.

He is controlling with money.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 08/02/2015 20:09

None of the things he might allege about you threaten his or the children's safety.

Original poster
candyflosssky · 08/02/2015 20:10

He'll argue the first one does, but we'll see, hopefully it's obvious I'm not a danger to the children.

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simonettavespucci · 08/02/2015 21:57

Good luck for tomorrow, candy! (and I bet your poem was great)

AgentZigzag · 08/02/2015 22:56

You can do this candy Flowers good luck for tomorrow.

MillionToOneChances · 08/02/2015 23:21

You need to talk to a solicitor. I think there's a good chance you could keep your current home and possibly even one of the others too since they constitute your income and your DH has a good job. Don't forget, too, that he'll have to pay you child maintenance of something like 20% for two children and 25% for three. And depending on rental income, you may be entitled to child tax credit too - the CAB can help you figure that out.

MillionToOneChances · 08/02/2015 23:22

Not DH, obviously. Soon-to-be-ExH

holeinmyheart · 09/02/2015 00:18

The organisation ' Homestart is not means tested candyflosky I got involved by accident and helped a Mum who was having a hard time with an education issue. I helped her by helping her write letters and playing with her DCs in her home while she did her own thing. It might give you a breathing space. Your GP or HV will know how to contact it.

ilovesooty · 09/02/2015 08:15

Good luck today.

Original poster
candyflosssky · 09/02/2015 16:30

Thanks.

It's been difficult, but worth it I think, I just need to tell DH now, that he needs to leave.

If he won't, I'll have to.

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curlyweasel · 09/02/2015 16:47

How did it go candy? I've pmd you. Stay strong - you sound more upbeat which is great. xx

ilovesooty · 09/02/2015 16:49

Did you see the solicitor? You sound a lot calmer and less worried anyway.

I hope you feel safe telling him about your wish to end the marriage.

Original poster
candyflosssky · 09/02/2015 17:32

Thanks, curly.

I did see the solicitor and it seems financially anyway things are straightforward, on the surface at any rate: direct split down the middle and he has to pay maintenance to me. I was surprised actually at how little maintenance he has to pay considering how high his income is but anyway that's obviously not the point - the point is that is for the children.

As for me, I can survive, easily enough, with the income from my rental homes and possibly a little work although that's going to be difficult ... I'm really undecided as to what to do still.

I am worried about telling him. I need to organise a back up plan I think in case he kicks off. I don't think he will but I need to know he won't. If that makes sense.

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curlyweasel · 09/02/2015 19:03

A back up plan is a very good idea. It might be useful to give your local women's aid a call for some advice. You also need to safeguard your finances before you hit the button so to speak. Be strong and be focused. There's lots of support out there - you only have to ask. Please keep yourself safe and keep posting if you want support. X x x

Original poster
candyflosssky · 09/02/2015 20:53

Thanks. I might see if a friend, ex friend really, might be able to support, he is a bit wary of her I think x

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curlyweasel · 09/02/2015 20:59

Let me guess - he made you choose between him and your friend and you chose him and you lost contact with her?

simonettavespucci · 09/02/2015 21:00

Wary sounds good - but EX-friend to you or to him? I'm glad the solicitor was helpful, though sorry you're still having to go through this - can't be easy.

Original poster
candyflosssky · 09/02/2015 21:05

You're not wrong curly :) she was hurt (understandably) when I 'chose' him but she loves the children so hoping she will help.

Ex friend to me, we didn't fall out, she just said she couldn't continue to support me as long as I lived with him Sad

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curlyweasel · 09/02/2015 21:12

Text book Wink

Get in touch with her - she cares about you... X

holeinmyheart · 09/02/2015 21:21

I hope he accepts the inevitable candy Having your friend with you sounds like a good idea.

When things have settled down for you and it is only a suggestion for the future, as you said that you were interested in Social Work. There is always a shortage of Foster Carers for older children. The pay is really good £10,000 -£40,000 a year.

My friend was fostered when she left care and she is really appreciative of the help she was given. Her sister, who is a teacher cares for a 15 year old boy.
It will be difficult for you to go to work until your children are older and there are some really lovely older children in care, that for one reason or another cant be in their own homes. My friends parents died in an accident, so they were left with nowhere to go.
Best of luck with telling the creep. Xxx

Original poster
candyflosssky · 09/02/2015 21:35

Thanks. I think I might like that :)

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