To shave my pets?

[CatThiefKeith]

I have a black Labrador, and a black cat.

My lovely cream carpets have been ruined, despite going over them at least once and usually twice a day.

The cat has taken to sleeping on dd's bed if the door is open (which it has to be as she is scared of the dark) and now her duvet is covered in black fur.

Last night the dog crept into the spare room and the lovely white bedding is also covered in black hair.

I changed all the fecking beds on Friday.

Wibu to give both of the furry bastards a number one all over?

I've tried to vacuum her, she thinks it's a game and tries to eat the nozzle.

Oh I feel your pain, OP.
My dogs (a white parson russell and a brown border terrier cross) are doing a pre-spring moult, you know, just to make sure they're ready for the real thing
There are bundles of fur floating around our flat (wooden and tiled floors only) like tumbleweed, the couch is covered in a thin layer of short, unremovable terrier hairs, and the only option left open to me if I want to wear clothes where you can't see the hairs is if I go top-to-toe in some sort of brown and white pattern (leopard print perhaps)

I hear you kitchen witch. I wear so much black that people probably assume I am in mourning.

I wear loads of black too - I really should have thought about that before not getting a black dog iyswim :o

I know it's annoying but YABU , animals have hair for a reason and their bodies have evolved to regulate the amount they require without you shaving it off.
Brushing every day helps a LOT as does keeping doors closed to rooms that you don't want them to go in. Unfortunately though you are just going to have to accept that CREAM carpets are the stupidest idea ever if you have black animals on the house - seriously what do you expect to happen?

I'm no cat expert but I am a well respected dog trainer and have trained my dogs to know exactly where they are allowed in the house and the never break the rules even if doors are open etc.
Next time your goes somewhere he isn't allowed, just go pick him up and put him back where he was . You will have to do it many many times as he's gotten used to,doing what he pleases but it will work eventually.

Pick up the lab or pick up the cat?

One would result in a bad back, and the other would likely as not involve being mauled.

I've got loads of Sellotape left over from Christmas, maybe I could wrap them both in that?