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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at this lie?

78 replies

LittleMissRayofHope · 07/02/2015 20:43

Family gathering today for a birthday. I have 2.5 dd and 5month DS. Told DH about it ages ago and specifically asked him to come (he doesn't really enjoy these things) to help me a bit considering I'll have the two to look after this time.

Late last night he suddenly felt very very ill. Got the sick bowl out and all morning was mopping implying - but not actually saying outright - how unwell he is.
Eventually told me he wasn't coming as 'I don't want to infect anyone or vomit while I'm there'

All day he has done nothing, but managed steak and chips for lunch and has just popped out for a take away.
I know it was a lie. An excuse.
I'm pissed off as I only asked him to come for some help and support.
I'm annoyed that he decided to lie to me like a fucking child trying to get out of going to school.
I mean WTAF.... He's 40 this year.

OP posts:
youarekiddingme · 07/02/2015 21:13

Oh and he'd better take the kids out for the day - as you wouldn't want to infect anyone Wink

BathtimeFunkster · 07/02/2015 21:21

Yes, definitely catch the bug.

Make him do everything tomorrow, including taking the children out so you can rest. And don't hide the massive steak sandwiches and curries you are treating yourself to.

He's not on your team. He will lie to you to get one over on you.

I couldn't live like that.

marriedsingleparenting · 07/02/2015 21:30

YANBU. I empathise. I'm a SAHM, pregnant, and my DH has taken our dd out once since summer, I haven't had a lie-in in months, I do all the driving and cooking and housework. I'm mentally and physically exhausted. No family nearby. I almost wish he'd lie because it would show he knows he's not being fair to me, but he just outright refuses to take her out.

FightOrFlight · 07/02/2015 21:35

Do you have any laxatives in stock?

If so, put some in his takeaway and let him shit through the eye of a needle tomorrow. Stomach bug my arse!

TwoOddSocks · 07/02/2015 21:37

That would drive me insane. I would claim to have caught it off him and insist that he takes both the kids all day tomorrow so as not to pass it on to them.

FlankShaftMcWap · 07/02/2015 21:39

He sounds like my dad. This will out me to anyone who has heard this story but when I was a child my DM wanted to take us swimming but there were 3 of us and DSis was just a baby so she needed a hand. She convinced my dad to come with us but when we got there his trunks had mysteriously disappeared from the bag Sad
He did a great show of "oh dear, what a shame!" but my DM knew they were in there before we left. Horrid. I'll always remember that as an example of exactly how engaged my father was Angry

Your DH has been a knob. I'm glad your DC aren't aware of his behaviour.

Viviennemary · 07/02/2015 21:41

He just didn't want to go. It was a bit rich though faking illness. A lot of people don't really like those family gatherings. He should have just said he wasn't going rather than this schoolboy stuff.

Birdsgottafly · 07/02/2015 22:12

Is there a good reason why he doesn't want to socialise with your family?

Do you allow him the option of not going?

The responses on here are OTT.

Original poster
LittleMissRayofHope · 07/02/2015 22:15

Well I spoke to him and within minutes he had twisted it into a huge row.
Refusing to speak if I have answered a question 'cos they are stupid questions'
Refusing to talk about it but insisting on telling me why I'm wrong.
Refusing to continue talking coaches asked a question that I haven't directly answered.
Ignoring me
Name calling
Belittling me and my feelings, what is important to me is stupid.

Wound up me so much I ended up literally screaming in his face just to try and get him to stop talking. Which I now feel like a fucking fool for.

Then he called me a liar..... Shock
He refused to say what it is I have lied about though.
Bit fucking rich that.

Wanker.

I'm off to my mothers first thing in the morning for some grandma time and so I don't have to sit here being ignored or having him act all angry at me.
Dd does pick up on it now if there's tension and angst and that's isn't fair.

OP posts:
Original poster
LittleMissRayofHope · 07/02/2015 22:17

I'm not bothered if he doesn't want to come to family stuff really. I asked for specific help today as there were loads of kids and I had two to look after. Usually if he says no he doesn't want to go then that's fine and he stays at home.

It's the fucking childish wanky idiotic LIE. Clearly he knew it would be an asshole thing to do to refuse to come and help so he just lied instead.

OP posts:
jamtoast12 · 07/02/2015 22:25

My dh sounds similar...he doesn't lie about it but he makes it clear that he would rather avoid such gatherings, he will come to some but not all. Though not because of the whole 'gang of kids etc' more that I'm part time and he's not so i understand his weekend time is more precious. Tbh if he made it clear he didn't want to go, I'd have left it. 2 kids is pretty manageable no?

He was definitely out of order for lying (and his reaction afterwards) but at the same time you can't make him go.

Original poster
LittleMissRayofHope · 07/02/2015 22:33

I'm struggling with 2 atm. DS needs a fair amount of attention with reflux and feeding. Dd has dietary requirements which she doesn't fully understand. It can just be hard work and I would have appreciated the help. I can't force him to go of course. This isn't about whether he came or not.

He could have spoken to me like an adult. Instead he lied, got called out on it, clearly doesn't like that so he's punishing me with this.... Emotional abuse? Gas lighting?
Whatever name it has, it works and is pathetic

OP posts:
Ridingthestorm · 07/02/2015 22:35

I am lost for words. Truly I am!

YANBU!!! So, so, not!!! Even MY DH tutted and shook his head when I read your original post! (And he NEVER helps out with the child rearing until he/she is of talking/walking age!) But he would never lie to me.

I would be 'going away' for a few days if that was me; to DM's.

FarFromAnyRoad · 07/02/2015 22:40

You poor thing - there's really nothing worse than being taken for an idiot - it's so so insulting.
I'd be reassessing this whole relationship - do you really want this for the rest of your life? I have a special reserve of contempt for liars and bad liars just fuck me off to all fuckery. What will DM make of it all?

Original poster
LittleMissRayofHope · 07/02/2015 22:50

Dm will just carry on with life, if I want to talk fine if not she'll just play with the DC and have a grandma day. She won't bat an eyelid. I often go there if we fight, DH can take a while to simmer down sometimes.

It is insulting. It's so disrespectful and just plain rude.

I am reassessing but I think I'm too wound up right now, caught up in the anger.
We've argued before and he's been manipulative and avoided stuff.
But today he was different. It felt different. Cold. Like he was playing a game, not arguing with me but maneuvering me...

OP posts:
DoJo · 07/02/2015 22:55

Wow - after I first wrote that his approach showed contempt for you, I wondered if it was a little harsh, but I'm starting to think that I was being generous.

DeanKoontz · 07/02/2015 22:59

I'm so Sad and Angry for you and your dc's littleMiss Can you see a way forward with this? You can't carry on putting up with this surely.

Anyone in RL you can talk to? Or who can talk some sense into dh?

ChippingInGluggingOn · 07/02/2015 23:17

I often go there if we fight

Today felt different

I know you're struggling with them both needing you a lot and you probably think it's too much, too scary to be a lone parent, but I tell you what, it's a lot easier than with a manchild gas lighting you as well.

AnyFucker · 07/02/2015 23:21

he sounds like a cunt, sorry

SmillasSenseOfSnow · 07/02/2015 23:54

It sounds like he's enjoying finding out exactly how much shit he can get away with and determining how easily he can get you to put up with it.

Or in other (AF) words:

He sounds like a cunt, sorry.

Original poster
LittleMissRayofHope · 08/02/2015 07:58

Yes I talk to my mum and my sister.

He has acted really different this time.

This is how I feel, and there's no evidence to make me feel this way so I don't understand it.
I feel if I end things he wouldn't accept it. Will just tell me I'm wrong or over reacting. Being stupid. Then simply won't move out.
So I feel like that is a lot of hard work. Harder work then putting up with an outburst every now and then - although like I said, it's not been like yesterday before.

I just feel shattered this morning. My head aches and I feel tired

OP posts:
DoJo · 08/02/2015 08:03

You don't need 'evidence' - being unhappy with the situation is enough. You feel tired and overwhelmed today, but that doesn't mean you will never have the strength to put the wheels in motion if that it what you want.

But he can't make you stay married to him by not accepting what you say. It's your choice and he doesn't get to just ignore that because it doesn't suit him. Be kind to yourself, get some rest and give yourself a chance to think about what you really want before you worry about how you are going to get it.

AnyFucker · 08/02/2015 13:45

See you soon then, op Sad

Original poster
LittleMissRayofHope · 08/02/2015 18:40

I was out all day today. Went to mums with my sis and dc. He was furious telling me that I am choosing to continue the argument rather then move on.
Apparently I 'deprived' him of his children all day yesterday and was doing the same again today.
He said goodbye to dd but it was such a sullen angry goodbye and she looked confused.

I got home and made dd dinner. And she went into a melt down as she had seen a toy and wanted to play with it. She's tired so she just threw a tantrum. My approach with her to to not indulge and not give in.
He couldn't bear listening to her cry so came in and out of the room, yelling at me how I'm doing it wrong and making everything worse. How this is child abuse and I enjoy making her cry.
I pointed out that she really didn't need to see her father screaming at her mother. Showing such anger and he ended up storming out and yelling 'fuck her then'. I think he meant fuck you but he said fuck her.

I was speechless. Still am. Only happened 10 mins ago.

His parenting approach is to give in to whatever will stop the tantrum and make her happy. So she has a tough time really as I won't do that and he won't do it my way.

I feel drained. Who is this guy in my home? Feel a bit numb right now

OP posts:
KeemaNaanAndCurryOn · 08/02/2015 18:47

He sounds like hard work. Depriving him of the children, when he deprived himself yesterday by being a lying fuckwit.

Yes, I'd be pissed off as well, but at least you can see that he's trying to turn it back onto you.