To be annoyed at this lie?

[LittleMissRayofHope]

Family gathering today for a birthday. I have 2.5 dd and 5month DS. Told DH about it ages ago and specifically asked him to come (he doesn't really enjoy these things) to help me a bit considering I'll have the two to look after this time.

Late last night he suddenly felt very very ill. Got the sick bowl out and all morning was mopping implying - but not actually saying outright - how unwell he is.
Eventually told me he wasn't coming as 'I don't want to infect anyone or vomit while I'm there'

All day he has done nothing, but managed steak and chips for lunch and has just popped out for a take away.
I know it was a lie. An excuse.
I'm pissed off as I only asked him to come for some help and support.
I'm annoyed that he decided to lie to me like a fucking child trying to get out of going to school.
I mean WTAF.... He's 40 this year.

[AnyFucker]

Your husband is abusing his children

[LittleMissRayofHope]

I calmed her down and she ended up going to find him and he gave her tv to watch. He then tried to come and tell me that I shouldn't be abusing her and taking my anger at him out on her.

I use this approach on her EVERYDAY but cos he isn't here to see that he doesn't believe it. And it usually works. It just doesn't seem to work when he is at home. No surprise there really.

Anyway, cos I didn't want to listen to his sanctimonious speech about what a shitty mum I am he has stormed off again spitting out the words 'don't try to talk to me. I mean it. You don't talk to me about anything again!

In front of both children....

[DoingTheBestICan]

Once again AF has hit the nail on thead, kick him out, your children and you deserve better.

[CrispyFern]

Yeah, when you are at the stage when he's saying "fuck her" about your child and saying you enjoy making her cry, that's really not a good place to be.
:(

[SlatternIsMyMiddleName]

Good grief! I wasn't that bothered about the initial lie, but the way he acted when called out on it plus subsequent actions - chilling.

[LittleMissRayofHope]

I must just attract these wankers. I've had 4 serious relationships in my life. 2 were physically abusive. 1 was emotionally draining and jealous and controlling. Now this one as well.
Maybe it's me? Do they see a weakness or something? I mean wtf.
We've been together 4 years. Married for 2, have 2 dc. If he has displayed even half the level of wankyness he has shown in the last 48 hours I would have kicked him to the curb long ago....

[TendonQueen]

What's the situation with the place you live in - whose name(s) is/are on the lease or mortgage?

[LittleMissRayofHope]

Mine. Mine alone.
I know my rights completely as I've recently guided my sister through leaving her emotionally abusive and passive aggressive boyfriend. She did as well.
I just not feel steady on my feet right now.

[mrsmootoo]

YANBU. Make him look after them for a whole day while you go out.

[googoodolly]

If the house is in your name alone, I would ring the police and have him removed from your home. Then change the locks and start divorce proceedings. He's emotionally abusing you and your DC and you all deserve so much better.

You don't have to put up with this, OP.

[SorchaN]

Being on the receiving end of emotional abuse will make a person feel unsteady on their feet. That's the purpose of the abusive behaviour. Your husband is being abusive and his behaviour is unacceptable. And you really don't want your children to grow up thinking that this is how relationships are supposed to work. He needs to leave. Domestic violence of any kind is outrageous and intolerable. You might also think about talking about it to your GP, and talking to Women's Aid.

[DoJo]

It sounds like you know what needs to be done - gather paperwork, organise the separation of any finances and plan the day when you tell him to leave. And don't think for a second that it's anything you have done - nobody deserves to be treated like this. Don't forget, he's treating his kids appallingly too - tiny people who just want him to love them, and there's no way he can justify that.

Either he is having some kind of personal crisis which is making him act like this, or he is just a selfish, manipulative twat, but it's really not up to you and your children to stick around and find out which and hope that things get better as the chances are they won't.

As for 'depriving him' of seeing his children yesterday when he had every opportunity to come along and spend all day with them while you enjoyed some time with your family - what an utter bell-end he must be to be trying to turn that on you. I'm not surprised you feel as though the rug's been pulled from under you, but you have time to get yourself together, sort out what you are going to do and do it. You really do hold all the cards, even if it suits him to throw his weight around, so treat him like the tantrumming toddler he is and teach him that his shocking behaviour will get him absolutely fucking nowhere.

[LittleMissRayofHope]

He will make my life difficult.
He will be weird and unpredictable with the kids.
He will blame me for everything - but crucially I do know this is just his way of excusing himself.

Does it make sense to anyone that a few bad days seem easier then a lifetime of difficult behaviour and nastiness?
I know that's stupid as like has been pointed out. The values he is teaching my children here. They are unacceptable. And I can't allow this.

It's just such a huge thing.

[CSIJanner]

Fucking hell! That's an escalation for a really piss poor act of a lie.

Move this to relationships OP. You haven't been flamed here but AIBU can be a bun fight at the best of times and you need the support you can find there. You're sounding pretty astute yet shellshocked at this all tbh but also pretty strong underneath all of this. It sounds like you've made your decision, but yes

Are you safe? Could this escalate? Keep yourself and your children safe - you're all more important
Collect evidence and paperwork. If needs be, give to someone you trust to look after.
Kick him out. The last thing you on your children need is an emotionally and verbally abusive cock. The weight will lift within 24hrs after he's gone.
Call woman's aid and see if they can help with things like paper work etc.
Go on the benefits calculator to help you claim for any help you can from the government.
Joint account? Move your money into somewhere safe and inform the bank to either take you off the account or to restrict it (remove overdraft facility etc)
Change get your password to emails and FB etc to alphanumeric strings which have no relation to any aspect of real life. My friends ex has tried to destroy her career by accessing her accounts.
Get real life support - your mums there to go whenyou argue - will she listen and can you lean on your family?

I'm sure the folks in relationships can help further than I can. Hope it works out

[DoJo]

He will make my life difficult.
He will be weird and unpredictable with the kids.
He will blame me for everything - but crucially I do know this is just his way of excusing himself.

He is already doing all that - he is blowing up over stupid shit, saying 'fuck her' about your daughter and undermining your sensible parenting style so that he doesn't have to deal with enforcing discipline.

Do you think there's any point in trying counselling? Would he be open to the idea of actually changing to improve your relationship?

If you do decide to kick him out, then it won't be easy, but it will definitely be preferable to the lifetime of frustration and upset that you will be letting yourself in for if you stick with him under the current circumstances. It sounds like you have support in the form of your family, so make sure you make the most of their help to give yourself the chance to get things organised.

[LittleMissRayofHope]

I've always thought counselling with someone willing to mentally abuse and manipulate was a no no?

Ironically one of the attractions to him was his cool laid back character....

What a stupid thing to say to your wife 'you don't talk to me about anything again'.... Like a temper tantrum.

Fuck

[pictish]

God this guy's an objectionable arse.

[DoJo]

I've always thought counselling with someone willing to mentally abuse and manipulate was a no no?

True - I was thinking more in terms of the fact that he seems to have been relatively normal until the last couple of days, so if he was prepared to admit that he is behaving badly and accept that he needs to make some changes, then there might be hope for him.

I also didn't want to appear as though I was totally writing off your relationship if you weren't ready to do that, but you sound more and more resolute, so feel free to ignore that suggestion!

[LittleMissRayofHope]

I don't see how I can let it go.

I feel a bit stupid. Like I should have seen the signs. Arguments (everyone has em!) have escalated faster over time, stonewalling. Twisting words.

We rowed a while back over dd needing to change into a toddler bed after she climbed out her cot and he twisted all that and refused to support me there. But I let that go as I felt these things can happen, doesn't mean he's 'abusive'....

Feel like a fool.

[morethanpotatoprints]

OP

Has he always supported your parenting decisions up until recently, from what you post it does seem to be quite recent.
How well did he support you when your dd was being assessed by the developmental specialist and was he pleased she was in the top 2%.
Was he being abusive when you were punishing your 2 year old by telling santa she had been naughty.
Maybe, he is behaving in such an abusive way towards you because you both have differing ideas on parenting.
It just seems apart from the lie of course to stem from parenting differences. It was your last post that gave me the idea.

[pictish]

When you say

"He will make my life difficult.
He will be weird and unpredictable with the kids.
He will blame me for everything - but crucially I do know this is just his way of excusing himself."

you are telling us that this is not a one off. You already know how he's going to play it, because you've been here before haven't you?
I have no doubt you have broached the subject of his behaviour and how upsetting and unacceptable it is with him before.
Now you tell us it's escalating.

But yet - in your head you excuse and minimise...rationalise. Maybe he's right. He does have a point. It's true - I do do that. He's not like that all the time...etc etc

But just think....next time he uses the 'sore tummy' lame arsed lie to get out of something he doesn't fancy doing, how are you going to feel about confronting him again, after the fall out this time?
Exactly.
And so it happens.

Abused people aren't weak or stupid. People often struggle to understand why they stay. It's because of shit like this.

[LittleMissRayofHope]

Morethanpotatoprints - that prompted me to look back at other threads I've written.

It's a sorry collection of arguments and crappy behaviour. That I seem to have forgotten about? In almost each thread I have described behaviour from him that is gross and unacceptable. But I've sort of minimised it and made excuses.

Feel even shittier now.
It's pathetic that were still here. I need that kick up the arse. How much does it take? Why am I so weak here? Fucks sake. I'm angry but I don't seem to be able to do anything about it.
None of this makes sense.

[pictish]

No...emotional abuse is often confusing for the victim. And a victim isn't weak either. Many a strong woman with a long list of stuff they'd "never put up with" become the victims of emotional abuse, who neglect to examine what they do put up with, because they are repeatedly told they are wrong to object.

[LittleMissRayofHope]

My dd will hate me.

I feel desperately desperately sad right now. I want to do the right thing for my dc but I don't know how. I mean, I know how. I just don't know if I can do it.

[pictish]

By the sounds of you, there will come a point when you can't not.