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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel devastated that I might never have sex again?

53 replies

IceCreamSaturday · 07/02/2015 13:31

DH is older than me (58, I'm 44), we have 3 DC and are very happy overall. He has a few health problems involving medication, nothing too serious, but it's becoming increasingly clear we will never have sex again. I've tried so hard to rationalise this, try to get a sense of perspective, blah blah blah, but the reality is I'm devastated. I almost feel bereaved. He is very sweet, loving and considerate and very happy to do other things if you get my drift but it's not the same. Sorry to be crude but I want a big hard human penis inside me. Not something neon pink, plastic and battery operated. This has now been the case for about a year and I am feeling that I'll never come to terms with it. I have not been explicit about how I feel because I love him and it's not his fault but once or twice I've not been able to hold back the tears which of course makes him feel like shit.

He takes some pills, not viagra, one of the others, can't remember its name, it's the only one he can take that doesn't interfere with his other medication, but it doesn't work properly.

There appears to be no solution other than for me to learn to live with it. Any tips on how to do that? I'm only 44. I don't feel I can spend the rest of my life without sex.

OP posts:

DreamingOfAHotDrink · 07/02/2015 13:35

I would stick with him, if he is as great a DH as he is.

invisiblecrown · 07/02/2015 13:37

Does he want to have sex? If so, I'd be seeing this a joint challenge and doing anything in my power to get a medical professional to sort this out.

If he is happy without the sex, you really need to make decisions on what you want. Him or a sex life.

You have every sympathy from me - what a dreadful, frustrating situation to be in.

minkGrundy · 07/02/2015 13:40

He should gp back to his gp again and ask for a referral.
And is he going to be on these medications for life?
And how does he feel about it?

As for you, no it is not wrong to want sex. If you like PIV then yes, other substitutes are not the same. It must be difficult. I know I would be very sad in your shoes.

I hope you can both find ways to deal with it together.

Ragglefrock · 07/02/2015 16:47

I think you do need to discuss this with your husband if anything just to 'clear the air' because he obviously knows you're upset and Id bet he's quite worried you'll leave.
I think you should consider options together.
These could be;
Discussing methods for you achieving satisfaction together (I think you should be as graphic as possible - e.g fingering, cunnilingus or whatever)
Thoughts on you pursuing satisfaction alone (swinging clubs, fwb)
Simply discussing ideas doesn't necessarily mean they will happen even if you were to agree that you will swing you may find you don't actually want the reality or you're happy now and dont feel the need etc but it gets ideas out in the open and I think will be reassuring for you both.

fluffymouse · 07/02/2015 17:16

How does your dh feel about his impotence?

Have you spoken to him about how you feel?

LindyHemming · 07/02/2015 17:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ScrambledEggAndToast · 07/02/2015 17:24

Poor you OP, for you. That must be terribly frustrating, especially being so young. I agree with the poster who said it should be looked at as a joint problem as it's not fair on you. Other stuff is ok to a point but you want the "main event". I hope you can sort this out.

ThePrincessButtercup · 07/02/2015 17:39

Sorry to hear that OP, it's hard, isn't it? DH and I are similar ages to you and your DH.

My DH was diagnosed with ED and Cialis helped a bit, he got a prescription for 2 a week. They did make things OK for a while but then he was diagnosed with depression and started on Prozac which destroyed his libido, he is even unable to masturbate.

He has now just has surgery for penile cancer so I don't see us having PIV sex ever again.

My DH is attentive to my needs but sometimes I crave a bloody shag!

aprilanne · 07/02/2015 17:47

i understand op .my hubby has an illness and we have been sexless for about 16months .but i think about all his good qualities .how much a good hubby and father he was before he was ill .and after 25 years hopefully our marriage is about more than sex .and fragglerock suggesting swinging this is great if you want a divorce but how insulting otherwise .

whatisforteamum · 07/02/2015 18:04

Hi op i was in this boat this yr as Dh had a heart attack and had anger issues he took anti depressants.he showed no affection before so without sex life was just two housemates.He was prescribed cilas i think and they worked well.I was amazed how much i missed it TBH.Having resorted to sex toys.
I told him the anti depressants could be causing the probs.Unbeknown to me he stopped taking them and hey presto back to normal.I am 48 he is almost 55.Sorry you are in this boat.

Ragglefrock · 07/02/2015 18:40

Wow aprilann - how narrow minded you are. The op was asking for help and amongst other ideas I also suggested swinging. Whilst you may consider it a divorce inciting idea I can assure you that many couples and singles I've met are very easily able to enjoy swinging whether in a relationship or not and can do so whilst remaining active and useful members of society - sarcastic shock horror!

Sonoma · 07/02/2015 18:58

Not anything I know anything about (honest) but when Raggle suggested swinging it was in the context of discussing it with OP's husband and trying to be constructive - it wasn't an incitement for OP to go and cheat on her husband. I can understand why OP is so gutted and there are many varying strategies to approach the problem. Better not to rule anything out if this will be a lifelong issue :( sorry for you OP.

UncleT · 07/02/2015 19:04

If you meant your vows when you made them, the answer should be clear. You say he's loving and treats you well - his body is unwell. It's really tough on you both alright.

YesIDidMeanToBeSoRudeActually · 07/02/2015 19:21

OP, if the roles were reversed, how do you think your DH would feel?

aprilanne · 07/02/2015 19:22

agree with uncleT .AND RAGGLE ROCK I AM NOT NARROW MINDED .but to suggest swinging to a man who will feel terrible as it is. is just kicking him when he is down .op i understand i am 44 my hubby 48 .yes it is hard but with a bit of understanding things generally get better or your focus shifts to other aspects of your relationship .

Notrevealingmyidentity · 07/02/2015 19:29

There's nothing wrong. With suggesting swinging if OPs partner is unable to have sex. It may be that neither of them wish to take up swinging but as a suggestion it is harmless.

Plenty of people do it and find it works for them.

Notrevealingmyidentity · 07/02/2015 19:29

In fact there's nothing wrong with suggesting swinging just because. I didn't mean to make it sound otherwise.

PreviouslyMal · 07/02/2015 19:32

Penis pump, cock ring, my tens ring, penile implant - there are a few options.

IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKahleesi · 07/02/2015 19:34

I'm sorry op, it sounds like such a difficult situation for both of you. Have you tried all methods of helping him? Pumps etc? Is he working with you on this problem?

I think sex outside of the marriage can be a reasonable option for some people so I think it was fine for fraggle to suggest it. I have a lot of health issues and if it's gets to the point where I will no longer be able to have sex I will be ok with my DH having sex outside of the marriage (with certain conditions). For some people never being able to have sex again is awful even if it is no ones fault

DodgedAnAsbo · 07/02/2015 20:14

Any tips or suggestions ?
No. Not any mainstream ones at any rate

but to reiterate some of the ideas mentioned above
swinging
male prostitute
male massage (as a non penetrative option)
phone a friend

ThePrincessButtercup · 07/02/2015 20:22

What I miss is that level of intimacy with DH. An escort, FWB or swinging will not provide that.

FringeDivision · 07/02/2015 20:32

I wouldn't discuss swinging/fwb etc as options with dh unless this is something that you were already into as a couple, prior to his current problems. I think it would hurt him and smacks of saying that he isn't good enough and you will go elsewhere to someone who is.

I think as a first step you need to keep going back to the doctor and investigate all potential treatments. Maybe they could alter some of his other medication so he could take something that works better than his current pills? Or try the pump idea.

If I couldn't have sex and my dh started talking about shagging someone else I'd be so hurt and everyone on here would call him a right heartless bastard and they wouldn't be wrong!

Silvercatowner · 07/02/2015 20:37

I'd recommend a sex therapist - some relationship counsellors choose to specialise in this area. If you can, go private, Relate are too vanilla for this sort of issue.

DodgedAnAsbo · 07/02/2015 20:39

don't be a prat Fringe. The OP asked for ideas and tips, not recommendations

Silvercatowner · 07/02/2015 20:44

An idea or a tip - consult a sex therapist.

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