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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel devastated that I might never have sex again?

53 replies

IceCreamSaturday · 07/02/2015 13:31

DH is older than me (58, I'm 44), we have 3 DC and are very happy overall. He has a few health problems involving medication, nothing too serious, but it's becoming increasingly clear we will never have sex again. I've tried so hard to rationalise this, try to get a sense of perspective, blah blah blah, but the reality is I'm devastated. I almost feel bereaved. He is very sweet, loving and considerate and very happy to do other things if you get my drift but it's not the same. Sorry to be crude but I want a big hard human penis inside me. Not something neon pink, plastic and battery operated. This has now been the case for about a year and I am feeling that I'll never come to terms with it. I have not been explicit about how I feel because I love him and it's not his fault but once or twice I've not been able to hold back the tears which of course makes him feel like shit.

He takes some pills, not viagra, one of the others, can't remember its name, it's the only one he can take that doesn't interfere with his other medication, but it doesn't work properly.

There appears to be no solution other than for me to learn to live with it. Any tips on how to do that? I'm only 44. I don't feel I can spend the rest of my life without sex.

OP posts:

aprilanne · 07/02/2015 20:46

dodged really a male prostitute .this is getting terrible .poor man .i wonder if i showed my hubby this and said well what about these suggestions .what would he think .eh ... that i did,nt love him probably .

GothMummy · 07/02/2015 20:49

Im so sorry for you, but he sounds lovely, and though I would be distraught if it was me in your shoes I think you should stick by him, he is unwell not unwilling :(

I agree with the PP who said go back to the GP, perhaps as a couple. Explain that it really really is a problem. I would not suggest swinging at this stage as you might really hurt his feelings but I have to admit I would really struggle to go without sex for the rest of my life and the thought might cross my mind :(

Silvercatowner · 07/02/2015 20:51

Aprilanne you are not the OP though. Some relationships would not cope with this, for others it may be a solution.

FringeDivision · 07/02/2015 20:51

My 'tip and suggestion' is that she doesn't bring up swinging as an option until all other options have been explored and unless her dh is unwilling to do everything possible to resolve this.
I know that in his shoes I'd be offended and hurt by a swinging suggestion at this point.

joanne1947 · 07/02/2015 20:51

I agree that the OP wrote I want a big hard human penis inside me. and I love that too but for me a real live moving human tongue does wonders so do my DH's fingers, there are loads of ways to enjoy each other's bodies and I'd suggest trying other things while seeing what the doctors can do to help him get hard again.

Whitewhine · 07/02/2015 20:52

ED1000 treatment - radio frequency treatment to the penis suitable for people with a vascular reason for impotence, it encourages re- vascularisation. It involves non-invasive treatment (similar to ultrasound) over a 12 week period. Only available privately as far as I'm aware. Might be worth looking into if your DH is agreeable.

DodgedAnAsbo · 07/02/2015 20:55

she asked for ideas. she can filter them herself
I would think she knows him better than we do

FryOneFatManic · 07/02/2015 21:02

Aprilanne going without sex is a real dealbreaker for some people. And there are times when what was a loving relationship just can't be sustained without that intimacy.

Take a look at the Relationship board sometime. There are a few people on there who have lived without sex for years as their partners just don't want it. It has caused real problems for them, and I think one marriage has finally broken up due to the strain. Others have had affairs.

It didn't mean they didn't love their partners, but I've noticed that once sex stops, other forms of intimacy also seem to stop, so kisses, cuddles, etc disappear also. That is a really big thing to ask people to put up with.

Just because you don't like the idea of swinging or any other sex outside marriage, does not mean that the OP should take these ideas off the table. It might be something that actually works for them.

I do think the OP's DH needs to go back to the doctor and see if anything can be changed to restore function, it's not fair on the op not to try.

FringeDivision · 07/02/2015 21:02

I'm sure she can dodged and I have a right to offer her my views without you calling me a prat. Especially when you think getting a male prostitute is a sensible suggestion.

Silvercatowner · 07/02/2015 21:05

Of FringeDivision I thought it was me that got called a prat. Very rude, whoever it was directed at.

Original poster

IceCreamSaturday · 07/02/2015 22:37

Thank you all for the comments and suggestions. The swinging aspect has at least made me giggle, and I'm not offended, but there's no way that's happening! It's unthinkable that I would be unfaithful. I need to learn to cope with the situation, not get it elsewhere, I guess. If roles were reversed I would not see it as solution for him to get it elsewhere.

Yes DH wants it and whoever said unwell not unwilling is spot on. That said I don't think his libido has ever been as high as mine. He is quite...reserved really, getting Cialis (that's the one) in the first place was the most difficult thing he's ever done. He's from a well-to-do stiff upper lip background where these things are just not talked about.

Fingers, tongue, toys, yep got the T shirt, but it's still the BHP inside me I crave And his is so lovely!

I don't want to go into DH's health problems but I don't believe there is anything else the GP could do.

Funnily enough I think expressing myself on an anonymous forum has made me feel a bit better about it all. Thanks.

OP posts:

GothMummy · 07/02/2015 23:08

Im so sorry, I am glad we made you giggle a little. I do hope its something that you can both find a way around. Things have been very barren for us in that way lately and not through my choice either, and I have found that hard enough to cope with so I can imagine a bit of what you are feeling. Worse things happen though, it sounds glib but its sadly true.

fluffymouse · 08/02/2015 00:53

ice cream you don't have to go into your husband's health problem here, but as this is a medical issue (you say he is unable, rather than unwilling) then it is certainly worth exhausting all medical options. Speak to your GP for advice.

keepitsimple0 · 08/02/2015 00:58

It's unthinkable that I would be unfaithful.

to be clear, I don't think people are suggesting you cheat (that's how I translate unfaithful). they are suggesting getting permission.

but that doesn't work for everyone.

Shockers · 08/02/2015 12:58

I know you said that it has to be human, but there are strap-on penises (peni ? ) aren't there? At least that way, the closeness and the 'thrust' would be coming from your husband.

ThePrincessButtercup · 08/02/2015 17:48

I don't know about the OP, but I wouldn't fancy that.

JohnPlayingDarts · 08/02/2015 19:02

OP I am in the same position as you, I am 32 DH is 43. We haven't had full sex in 2 years but he is willing to do other things when pushed. He takes medication for high blood pressure which affects his sex steve. I know he is a wonderful DH and father in all other aspects of our marriage. But like you, I want to to feel a cock in me. I want my husband to take me in his arms and fuck me. I can't talk to anyone in real life about this either as I don't want friends to think less of him does that sound strange? My friends all moan about how often their husband want sex and I think you lucky cow

JohnPlayingDarts · 08/02/2015 19:02

Sorry sex drive not steve

maddening · 08/02/2015 19:17

Could he wear a strap on? It's not a bhp but he could achieve the same thrust action that you don't get from hand held sex toys?

JohnPlayingDarts · 08/02/2015 19:21

For me it would still feel like just a dildo. Not the real deal. Would love to be lying in bed and fell my husbands boner poking my back.

maddening · 08/02/2015 19:22

Ha shockers - hadn't read through - great minds :)

Shockers · 08/02/2015 19:28

I'm glad you also had that thought maddening... I was a bit embarrassed by the the next poster gave me!

ThePrincessButtercup · 08/02/2015 19:53

That was me Shockers, I apologise, I certainly didn't mean to embarrass you.

I guess I was just projecting my own feelings of missing the sensation of a BHP inside me, I can't imagine any inanimate object replication that sensation, hence my .

Once again I'm very sorry, the OP, other posters and me have expressed some very personal thoughts on this thread and none of us deserve to feel humiliated or ridiculed in a ny way.

whatisforteamum · 08/02/2015 19:58

For what its worth i lost my sex drive a few yrs back,before Dhs ED.
He pestered me all the time which made me feel worse.I had tests which revealed nothing was wrong.In about a yr we had sex six times.I was so fed up i told him to find someone to DTD with (he didnt want to).I couldnt understand over one thing.I CAN NOW. It is hard..no pun intended on the person who loses their sex drive and equally for the other partner.I hope you can sort this out.

Shockers · 09/02/2015 07:35

Oh Princess, I'm sorry too . I'm not very comfortable with talking about sex publicly and I thought maybe I'd gone a bit far, hence the feeling of relief when maddening said it too!

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