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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be 'disappointed' with DD2s attitude about achieving 7 or 8 A* at GCSE.

84 replies

smokepole · 05/02/2015 17:50

DD2 yr11 has been told by numerous teachers including her form tutor, that she is capable of getting between 7-9 A in her GCSEs. DDs attitude is I only need 3 A 'its to difficult to get 7 or 8' 'I want a life'. DD told this to me as well as her form teacher, who told her that she is capable of going to any University she likes!. Her response was I am not going to just sit in for the next 2 and half years studying and not having a life.

She has quite randomly decided she wants to do English @ 'Lancaster University' all the way from Folkestone !

I am a caught between being disappointed and being very proud , because this is a girl who her 'Grammar' school who would rather that she left in year 7 due to difficulties with Dyspraxia.

I guess this is a thread for other Mums to show disappointment, pride or a bit of both ....

OP posts:
Original poster
smokepole · 05/02/2015 21:25

Thank you Phoenix for your kind words.

Morecambe is even more desperate than Folkestone! (Not Dover though).

I thought Lancaster looked like a thriving Student Town, when I visited it but it was 15 years ago , so maybe things change....

OP posts:
Mrscog · 05/02/2015 21:26

Don't worry to much about university entrance. There's a dip in the population of 18 year olds until 2019, student number controls have gone. For the next 3-4 years 18 year olds are going to find it much easier to get into their university of choice.

PicaK · 05/02/2015 21:41

Yes Lancaster is a terrible choice - Durham would be much better/further!

She's giving you a message to back off. Heed it.

WeldedParentMaterials · 05/02/2015 21:46

Does she maybe want to be nearer to all the 'ponies' and 'cars' your brother will but her OP? Grin

I've missed you.

Norland · 05/02/2015 21:50

When she's 30, employers won't give a stuff about her exams as a 16 year-old. They'll want to know what she's been doing for the last 3-years and how that will be beneficial for their business.

Teachers on the other hand will still be fretting about their school position in the league table.

And when she's 50, employers won't care what degree she got.

WeldedParentMaterials · 05/02/2015 22:01

I'm 30 and nobody even cares what degree I got!

ilovesooty · 05/02/2015 22:13

She's giving you a message to back off

I wouldn't be surprised.

minipie · 05/02/2015 22:19

Can't believe all the replies on this thread. I wonder how many of the previous posters would be happy with their children getting 3 As when they could get 7 or 8 because they "didn't want to work that hard". OP is hardly saying she wants her daughter to chain herself to a desk 24/7, just achieve what her teachers have said is a realistic goal.

yanbu OP. Good school results give you more and better options at the university stage which in turn gives you more and better options at the job stage. Yes there are people who do fantastically with 2 Es and no degree but it's a lot rarer and a lot harder. Keeping her future options open is more important than short term partying (of course a little bit of partying is important, but a little bit is still compatible with working hard at school).

It's not surprising or disappointing that your DD is taking a short termist view though. I think many teenagers do! Part of a parent's job IMO is focusing on the child's long term since they inevitably focus on the short term...

good luck

PuffinsAreFictitious · 05/02/2015 22:25

Lancaster is, I believe, in the top ten unis in the country. And Morecambe isn't dire.... compared with Folkestone, I know where I'd rather be.....

YouTheCat · 05/02/2015 22:32

My dd could have got higher grades at gcse but she didn't. After the year she'd had I was just happy she passed. She had a terrible crisis of work ethic during her A levels. I attempted to encourage her but she really needed to work it out for herself which she did and she achieved reasonably good grades in the end. She decided she didn't want to apply to uni.

I'm glad she didn't. I think she would have chosen badly and dropped out. Instead she went to college and is working hard without me prodding her. She's been accepted on an applied computing degree course, which is where she sees her career lying.

I'm glad I didn't push her too hard. And I'm proud she worked things out for herself.

I'm 45. No one has ever asked to see my O level certs or my A level ones for that matter.

UsedtobeFeckless · 05/02/2015 22:44

Hurrah! I just knew this was going to be you ... Grin

All those unsuitable secondary modern boys haven't done her too much harm, then ...

SaucyMare · 05/02/2015 22:44

Has Morcombe improved much since the mid 90's? it was dire when i lived in Lancaster.
Most of the student i knew who went there went because it was close to the lakes, so she might need to be outdoorsy

Chippednailvarnish · 05/02/2015 23:04

Usedtobe Grin

QOD · 05/02/2015 23:17

Fsg pressurises them to have a career path planned by year 11
my Dd is there too and knows 1 hat course and where she wants to go

We're viewing and choosing 6th Form places now, fsg was very negative on the open evening didn't you think?
My Dd wants to take Maths, Physics and 2 others I won't name in case I out her lol

crazy though, my baby living in a big city in 2 years time and cooking, cleaning and doing laundry? Pft!
She can do the course she wants in Canterbury

buffythemuffinslayer · 05/02/2015 23:18

I do think you are being a bit U...

My instinct would be not to pile the pressure on... I was a bit like your daughter. Teachers telling me I could get a ton of A if I only applied myself. I didn't want to - I wanted to go to gigs, have fun, maybe get a boyfriend for the first time ever (and I did)! I got 2 A, enjoyed my time, took A Level subjects I felt comfortable and safe with, and then went to Cambridge. I imagine my mother was sweating bullets for a few years.

But, she didn't push me or assert an opinion apart from the fact that she hoped I'd be happy with my decisions. The lack of pressure enabled me to take control of my own life. And believe me, I was immature as all heck. Without someone pushing me to achieve, I realised I didn't want to fail.

Realise this was a while back, I started uni in 2006, and it may be more competitive now. But teens need space, and to be allowed to enter a more adult world where their needs and opinions count.

WaroftheRoses · 05/02/2015 23:21

I don't think at 16 she is seeing the benefit of a work/life balance-it seems like she just can't be bothered to work hard. As other posters have said-getting a top string of exam results and having a life don't have to be mutually exclusive. We have developed an odd mentality as a nation-getting by is perfectly acceptable in education so why strive to be the best. We could learn a thing or 2 from the nations who encourage their kids to do as well as they possibly can (and often send their kids to the UK for the best education ironically!). So many posters are saying it didn't do them any harm not getting higher grades-but how many women post on here desperate for a career change and to earn more money?! Kids should get the best grades they are capable of and then they give themselves so many more opportunities in life. YANBU

Basilbrushestail · 05/02/2015 23:26

Yab a little unreasonable. She seems to be doing brilliantly despite earlier worries. Lancaster is a lovely place, I almost moved there to be with a boyfriend at 19.

I don't force my opinions on my children and they are able to choose what they do. High achievement is one thing, being fulfilled is another. My 15yo dd wants a career as a beautician. It's her life, her choices and as a parent it's my job to support.

Original poster
smokepole · 05/02/2015 23:26

Used. By the way two of those 'Lads' who were causing Julie problems (was that the name I used for DD2s Doctor daughters friend?) have just been sent to a YOI institution for 2 years for a number of burglaries locally. I managed to get DD away from them just in time before she was taken in by their charm and free Booze and driving in 'uninsured cars'.
You have to act quickly otherwise, you are to late too prevent naive immature girls failing under the influence of 'bad boys'. if you don't act quickly maybe you end up being called to pick your kids up at the Police station after riding in the uninsured car with the 'charismatic bad boys'.

I know of 5 boys I went to school with (modern) including Paul who found himself in Lancaster (up thread) courtesy of mental health ( robbing a post office in Preston for £200 not really worth 4 years) who have been to prison at least once. It clearly shows the school did not provide an adequate education for many pupils leading them down the path to crime.

Therefore was I so wrong to have made sure I got DD away from them as sharpish as I could...

OP posts:
Original poster
smokepole · 05/02/2015 23:33

QQD . DD is at the other one !... I lived on the border of Folkestone/Dover (or did before moving back with parents which clearly live in Folkestone) I have heard that FSG (sisters old school is like that) wanting pupils to have a designated pathway forward by year 11.

OP posts:
QOD · 05/02/2015 23:40

Aaaah we loved the other but logistics and familiarity won the day!

Original poster
smokepole · 05/02/2015 23:46

I am thankful though that DS is not at Dover ! That is a Disgrace at the moment .....

OP posts:
geekymommy · 06/02/2015 14:01

It is natural to want your kids to do well in school. It's just that pressuring them may not be the best way to get that result.

Don't try to make her conform to what you want for her at the cost of your relationship with her. I didn't get along well at all with my mom when I was in high school, partly because she was always wanting me to be something other than what I was. When a friend of mine got pregnant in high school, I think my mom realized, hey, geeky may spend all her time playing Nintendo and may not dress how I like, but she could be worse. We got along a lot better when she backed off a bit. (Going away to college helped, too)

muminhants · 06/02/2015 14:34

Say she was taking eight GCSEs, she's better off getting 4 As and 4 Bs and having lots of extra-curricular stuff for her CV/UCAS form than getting all As/A*s. Unless she wants to do law or medicine etc but she says that she doesn't.

Academic qualifications get you a job but they don't help you keep it. The soft skills do that. Extra-curricular activities are crucial.

flora717 · 06/02/2015 14:46

Lancaster (was, change happens) a quiet town most of the year. Students keeping the economy propped up, with some minor problems from local adults of student age. This did make it a good town to develop independence in though. Nightlife was 'there' but not amazing, work hard to get but there for the more motivated. Nowhere to spend too much money on unnecessary things (you had to go to Manchester for that).
They (again used to) put quite a bit of stock in GCSE results though. I have 11 GCSE's (all B's). They had a lot of questions about that.
I was a teen who wanted to get well away from home. Lancaster is far. But not remote! It is a very easy travel by car/ coach & train.

flora717 · 06/02/2015 14:49

Most of it self catered, so more independent students than some. When I went there was very little in the way of 'structure' to attendance etc. If you wanted to study and worked you were fine (not a uni for those not really interested in their subject, they usually left after the first year).