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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding invite asking for...

79 replies

sammysung · 05/02/2015 15:33

A donation to the B & G honeymoon fund!
Both B & G in their 50's, both second marriage.
Good idea or grabby??

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 05/02/2015 17:22

SnowWhite - if memory serves, I think there is a MN member who charged guests to attend. There was definitely a thread about it and I think I was on it under another name. The person was unrepentant.

I think some people really feel like their weddings are the most important events ever and that guests should feel privileged to be invited. Normal perspectives go out the window which does lead to some rude behaviour.

Laquitar · 05/02/2015 17:22

Birthdays are every year.
Weddings are once in lifetime or twice. Maybe three times. But not every year, thats one big difference.hmm

Only1scoop · 05/02/2015 17:24

Op weddings are one offs....birthdays not so....

If it annoys you so just send a bottle of fizz or something else.

bloodygorgeous · 05/02/2015 17:29

I feel sorry for this couple (and other couples) who don't realise that their guests are bitching and moaning behind their backs about them.

In real life I have never, ever heard people complain about giving cash or vouchers. It's just a way of guiding guests who are all going to get them gifts anyway.

In real life I have never known people outraged to be invited to weddings because they are put out in any way whatsoever e.g. travelling there, buying gifts, buying new outfits etc.

In real life my friends and family actually love each other and consider weddings fantastic occasions to look forward to (not all obviously - but most!).

Mumsnet is just weird - in fact downright mean spirited - about weddings.

HazleNutt · 05/02/2015 17:32

If you can't afford to go and would rather spend the money on your own holiday, don't go then. I don't see anything wrong giving people something they actually like, and that's of course easiest if they tell me what they want. I see no difference between asking for a toaster and butter dish by setting up a gift list (which according to MN is fine), or asking for contributions for the honeymoon (which seems to be a deadly sin).

Idontseeanysontarans · 05/02/2015 17:35

I think it's a great idea Smile
Cash or vouchers for whatever are fine by us, the happy couple can do what they want with them and have spare money for something special.
Not grabby at all, very sensible and a good way to avoid dozens of bases and towels.

Original poster
sammysung · 05/02/2015 17:42

So say it's a 40th birthday, that's a one off.
This wedding isn't a one off, it's second time round for both of them!
As I said they are very well off.
I have been friends with the bride for a very long time. But I think I will just tell her I can't make it. But should be able to make it to the next oneGrin

OP posts:
mrsmootoo · 05/02/2015 17:42

I was asked to contribute to honeymoon fund of similar 2nd marriage couple and didn't. Got them a (nice! arty!) book (bride was my friend and she liked it). Glad I did as they split up a few years later - honeymoon shmoneymoon - she's still got the book.

Whippet81 · 05/02/2015 17:42

Why is it grabby? I'd rather get someone what they want rather than something pointless just to make a point.

If you're having these thoughts about them kindly decline their offer. They're inviting you to celebrate with them and paying for you to have a meal etc you could give them £20 it probably won't come even close to what they've spent on you.

I love how I've spent years and years giving money and/or gifts from lists for other peoples weddings but according to MN when I get married I have to beg people not to give me anything or just buy what they what (twenty toasters).

I don't know why it comes as a shock to people when they are expected to buy a present - someone invites you to something you buy them something. Isn't that how it's always worked? Confused

Only1scoop · 05/02/2015 17:44

If I was you Op I wouldn't go....treat yourself to that well needed holiday instead.

You may not be missed Wink

Letmeeatcakecakecake · 05/02/2015 17:49

I don't see anything wrong with it and think it's a nice idea!

I did once receive a wedding invitation with a request for 'cash gifts towards a mortgage together' which I found incredible grabby, seeing as the groom already owned a home!

I also had another friend who in the run up to her wedding, would every single day post on FB... '10 days until I become Mrs *' along with a link to their gift list register!

Now that's grabby! X

Terramirabilis · 05/02/2015 18:13

I may be misremembering or this may be very old-fashioned, but isn't the etiquette that you don't need to buy gifts for second or subsequent weddings? On the assumption that if you've been married before you'll already have all the stuff you need?

DeliciousIrony · 05/02/2015 18:18

Is a second-time-around wedding less deserving of gifts then?

I think it really depends how it was asked for - I personally think that poems asking for money are unbearably twee and tacky. If I were getting married, I would also definitely specify on the invitations that gifts aren't obligatory, because they shouldn't be.

However, at the age of 50 they probably really don't want or need the traditional household stuff that will just generate clutter. Asking for donations for a honeymoon instead of a traditional gifts is fine if it is worded properly.

PtolemysNeedle · 05/02/2015 18:21

Rude and grabby, and especially tasteless for a second wedding.

Bowlersarm · 05/02/2015 18:23

Nice friend you are op. Bitching and slagging them off.

Buy them a useless lovely toasted sandwich maker then, that they don't need and will grow dusty in a cupboard before being chucked out to oxfam.

JennieR60 · 05/02/2015 18:27

I dunno why people get annoyed by this. I just want to give gifts people will be happy with. So if they ask for money I'll give it. Better than a kettle or juicer or some other dust collector that they didn't even want. What a waste of my money time and effort.

DeliciousIrony · 05/02/2015 18:29

It saves the effort of thinking of a nice wedding present, as well.

shakemysilliesout · 05/02/2015 18:56

I don't mind giving or being asked to give cash.

I think it is tacky to request anything for a 2nd wedding. I already got you 1 for your first wedding, paid for travel/ hotel etc. I think a big white wedding with gifts etc is a one time only thing.

grisclair · 05/02/2015 21:01

Last year I was invited to a wedding where the couple asked for cash presents only as well. Not very classy but since they already had everything household wise I could see where they were coming from. The really tacky bit was this though: they put their bank details in the invite and even specified a payment reference everyone was supposed to use for the transfer. Hmm
I would rather have bought them a nice card and just popped the cash in there but the invite requested bank transfer only.

Original poster
sammysung · 05/02/2015 22:22

shakemy
That is exactly my point. Maybe if it was a first wedding I wouldn't feel as bad.
But, I went to the B First wedding (abroad) 10 years ago. Big white wedding. I just feel as a second wedding this is so rude a request.
only1scoop I would love to spend the money on myself. Don't think it would stretch to a holiday though.If you can't vent on MN where can you??

OP posts:
Lj8893 · 05/02/2015 22:25

You know what, a week ago i would have said grabby.

we have just sent our wedding invites out and purposefully didn't put a gift list in as we don't need anything and i was always under the impression it was grabby.

within 3 days of the invites going out we have been asked by at least 15 people what we want for a gift!

LaLaLaaaa · 05/02/2015 23:07

Yet another thread on this topic?

If you don't want to get them a gift then don't.

If you want to get them a gift thened them something they want ie money towards honeymoon.

You don't have to give a gift, it's a choice. But YABU to gripe about what they've asked for, particularly as they've invited you to share their special day.

DidoTheDodo · 06/02/2015 09:22

I am over 50 and most of the stuff in my house is old, crappy and worn out. I probably have more need of new stuff than someone in their 20s! :)

PrimalLass · 06/02/2015 10:26

I think it's fine. Better than more 'stuff'.

Metalguru · 06/02/2015 22:03

sammysung you say you have been friends with the bride for "a long, long time". Then you say that you think you will tell her you can't make it to her wedding? Based on what, the fact that she has asked for money towards the honeymoon? That doesn't sound like a friend. YABU.

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