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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding invite asking for...

79 replies

sammysung · 05/02/2015 15:33

A donation to the B & G honeymoon fund!
Both B & G in their 50's, both second marriage.
Good idea or grabby??

OP posts:
HappyAgainOneDay · 05/02/2015 16:27

My DH and I married in our fifties. We had no wedding list because, with two households coming together, there wasn't anything that we wanted or needed. Most gave us cheques or cash. We spent the cash on things like lampshades to replace our old ones. an extending ladder, a couple of large picture frames, a set of curtains. I kept a list and some gave us spring bulbs, a rose bush, bottles of wine, a meal out, feather pillows, stainless steel vacuum flask, stone bird bath, ceramic garden pots.

Hope that helps if you don't want to subscribe to the honeymoon. I wouldn't want to do that myself.

SweetsForMySweet · 05/02/2015 16:30

IRL it is fine and also practical. On Mn it it grabby and rude Grin

DidoTheDodo · 05/02/2015 16:32

I don't like to give cash gifts. It just feels wrong to me, so I'd probably give champagne.

SaucyMare · 05/02/2015 16:34

Dido not more f'ing champagne, we can't stand the stuff, for a while our cupboard was full of the stuff which we never drank. but people still gave us more as "thoughtful" gifts.

bloodygorgeous · 05/02/2015 16:34

Oh for God's sake. This AGAIN?

No it's not grabby to ask for something when you know that all guests will give a gift anyway - it's actually very helpful.

Presumably you actually like these people??

Can't stand this attitude on MN that anyone getting married is automatically unreasonable or grabby in some fucking way!

Agree with Thursdaylast - stop writing snarky posts on MN. Or just don't go to their wedding if you are going to bitch behind their backs.

DidoTheDodo · 05/02/2015 16:35

Good job you didn't invite me then saucy!!

(If I knew you well enough, I might buy you a more personal gift, my point is, you wouldn't get money from me)

TheFecklessFairy · 05/02/2015 16:37

My son and his fiance will be getting married in the next year. They have bought their house and furnished it themselves. They have everything they need. But they are pretty broke!
So what do THEY do if asking for money is 'so wrong'?

Lottapianos · 05/02/2015 16:37

We got 'thoughtful' gifts when we bought and moved into our flat. It was very kind of people - we were expecting nothing. I absolutely hate all but one of them. Like I say, I'm a fussy bugger Blush

Nothing wrong with making suggestions about stuff you would really like at a time when virtually everyone would want to spend money on you - wedding that is, not house move.I dont understand why people don't find it helpful to have some guidance.

TidyDancer · 05/02/2015 16:41

I have given vouchers if it was appropriate (lived far away and couldn't transport gift, or wedding abroad etc) but it is rude to dictate to people what they should buy you. A gift should be accepted in good grace and should be of the givers choosing, it should not be requested or demanded.

And yes, in case anyone is wondering, Gluezilla did have a list on her wedding website. It listed lots of things she and Mr Glue wanted on their honeymoon.

Original poster
sammysung · 05/02/2015 16:42

Thursdaylast
Yes I like them
Yes I'm happy for them
I appreciate that I have been asked to spend this special day with them.
I don't appreciate being asked to further their happiness by contributing to a 5* fucking holiday.
Especially when it's going to cost an arm and a leg getting to the wedding.
Especially because I haven't had a holiday in 10 years!

OP posts:
spanky2 · 05/02/2015 16:42

Good idea. We did this for my cousin and her dh. We were surprised when they used the money on separate holidays with friends! Their honeymoon was with their friends one in Thailand and the other in usa!

TidyDancer · 05/02/2015 16:44

TheFecklessFairy - they do what is appropriate in any circumstance. They don't ask for anything.

If people ask them, they could then say "well we have everything we need for the house, but maybe a voucher or a charity donation....blah blah blah" depending on what they have in mind.

It not the giving of cash or vouchers that's grabby, it's the request or demand.

MaidOfStars · 05/02/2015 16:53

It not the giving of cash or vouchers that's grabby, it's the request or demand

I cannot agree with this enough, and note that sometimes people don't see the distinction.

fakenamefornow · 05/02/2015 16:53

A friend of mine asked for donations for the hospice that looked after her dad before he died. I see some people would find that distasteful, I didn't. These things are almost (actually, never see otherwise) always worded 'we don't need anything, but if you really want to give something we'd like xxx) I've never seen anyone saying 'we want xxx please bring it'.

MoominKoalaAndMiniMoom · 05/02/2015 16:54

Give them the same amount you could buy them a toaster for.

ASDA do £5 toasters.

What exactly is the minimum amount 'allowed' to be given?

specialsubject · 05/02/2015 16:55

you are going to a party. It is polite to take a gift.

they've told you what they would like. Give as much or as little as you feel appropriate.

Original poster
sammysung · 05/02/2015 16:57

When I got married I did not ask for, or expect any presents.
I just wanted my family and close friends to join me on my special day and have a good old party!
Sending invites wih requests for anything is very bad taste in my opinion.
TheFecklessFairy if they are that broke then don't spend as much on the wedding!

OP posts:
Eastwickwitch · 05/02/2015 17:03

See I think Fakename's friends idea is perfect; I bet the hospice were delighted.

fakenamefornow · 05/02/2015 17:04

When I got married 20 years ago, we had a list we gave out only to people who asked for one. Without exception, people who got us something they chose themselves bought something we didn't like or want. Of course we kept all the gifts and even display them in our house even if we hated them because we loved the givers. Some things have sat uselessly in a draw for twenty years though. I would rather people had saved their money and not got us anything.

I do think the people who say they buy carefully chosen gifts need to realise not everyone shares their taste. Of course everyone will say how much they love it and dutifully use it, but do you really always believe them? These gifts always seem (to me) more about the person giving and what they want, that the person receiving.

JuniperTisane · 05/02/2015 17:04

Nah. I don't give a flying monkeys what the gift request is, as long as there is one and I don't have to go contacting people to find out.

Holiday, toaster, b&q voucher or garden gnome, its all the same to me and I'm quite happy to give the equivalent whichever way they prefer it.

Original poster
sammysung · 05/02/2015 17:06

So I'm having a birthday do. In a posh hotel, that you will have to dress up for. Travel 3 hours from your home to get to. Maybe a night in a hotel and by the way I fancy treating myself to a holiday so can I have some £ please.
Would you think that this is rude? Why to people think that weddings are any different?

OP posts:
borisgudanov · 05/02/2015 17:08

Not a problem if handled gracefully but if there's a nauseating poem which rhymes and scans badly then they're onto plums.

SnowWhiteAteTheApple · 05/02/2015 17:09

Grabby to ask for cash, if you want a honeymoon fine but fund it yourself. Don't charge an entry fee to your wedding to cover it, which is what it amounts too.

Even worse when it's a second wedding, I thought the done thing was no presents second time round in the main or just a small token gift.

JuniperTisane · 05/02/2015 17:12

No I don't think this is rude. I think its a wedding. Its the same the world over in varying different forms.

fakenamefornow · 05/02/2015 17:13

People always give a gift of some sort at a wedding, it's part of the culture ( that I wish we could dump). We have to go though this pantomime of pretending we're not expecting anything, just give the b&g what they want instead of waisting money on something they don't want.

All the posters would find wedding lists distasteful, do you still buy a gift or show up empty handed?