...not to tell people I have Aspergers

[KerPlunkKid]

Background: Female mid forties, diagnosed a few months back.

I have told a brother, sister and my DH. They have been ok.

I recently told my other brother and SIL. SIL just did not seem to register at all, whilst my brother whispered to me "why are you going round telling people you have a mental illness" I replied I have only told family and that Aspergers was not a mental illness but a neurological difference. My brother is a mental health nurse btw.

Now I'm thinking whats worse just leaving people to think Im odd or telling people I have Aspergers.
Would people whisper poor DD for having a mum like me or kids mock DD for having an Aspie mum?
Would work cruel or kind?

There seems so little awareness or understanding.

Its not something to be ashamed of nor should you feel obligated to tell everyone-it is entirely up to you.
Your brother's attitude is v unfortunate for a Mental Health nurse.
Personally I would just tell people that I know quite well.

KerPlunkKid you may like to read this thread

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs_recommendations/1987301-Support-thread-for-women-who-suspect-or-know-they-have-ASD-traits-or-are-on-the-spectrum?pg=40

Kerplunk. I am 41 and was diagnosed with the lot in November !: Aspergers/Dyspraxia/Dyslexia and Irlens Syndrome. It explains a lot about myself and why I was always 'tired' trying to act like everybody else and had breakdowns away from people due to suffering from angst and worrying what people thought of me .

I was giving a a Transition Curve diagram explaining the process you go through when being diagnosed. 1. Immobilisation this is the "Shock" and Overwhelmed stage of being diagnosed. 2. Denial of Change Temporary retreat denial that you are on the "spectrum" 3. Incompetence Anger and Frustration in dealing with change. 4. The Acceptance of Reality trying to change your "comfortable attitudes and behaviours" 5. Testing New approaches to behaviour. 6. Search for meaning "why are you different"

1. Integration Acceptance of who you are and what you offer as a person.

Do what you like but prepare for people to say 'oh' politely and move on because most people don't care about anything that doesn't relate to them.

I guess it depends on why you want to tell people. It can be useful as a way of helping people understand some aspects of your personality/behaviour are not what they might expect. But, tbh, most people don't really know all that much about ASD unless they have a family member or some exposure to it as part of their profession, so it might not be all that helpful to them if they don't know the ramifications of the diagnosis. It might just be better to tell them specific things about the way that you operate that they need to understand.

DS has ASD and when I was reading up about it I did the test that's in the Baron-Cohen book, and I got quite a high score, well into the cross-over section between diagnosed and general population. I don't have ASD in as much as I have pretty much breezed through life, I'm comfortable socially and I'm very good at understanding others' motivations and points of view (which is something DS can't get at all, he's very mind-blind), but I do have quirks and I find it useful to just tell people that I work/deal with what my quirks are so that they don't get frustrated with me.

Personally, I don't think it should matter to anyone else whether you choose to tell people or not, it's your business. If people are aware of the traits of Aspergers, they may already suspect that you have Aspergers but that shouldn't impact you in a negative way.

My teenage child won't tell people because of people's negative perceptions of autism. My year 5 child was told by a classmate that people with autism should be in asylums

I score pretty highly on the online tests, but I don't want to go through the faff of getting a DX - I am very lucky in that I work in a position where the traits are positively encouraged - it's very much the sort of role which is necessary but only a certain type of person will actually enjoy switching off from the office for 2 weeks a month, having to utterly focus on something.

I'm pretty certain that the person who employed me knew fine well that I have these tendencies, it confuses others, and at times, other people's behaviours totally get on my tits (those are the days when my DP knows not to talk to me in the evening).

When exploring the issue with my family, they acnowledge that I'm quite stuck in my ways and have sound related sensory issues, but they don't like the idea of putting a lable on it. I get that. I have got to the stage in my life where I can just say what works / doesn't work for me, without needing to give an explanation - and for that, I am truly happy.

OP, I hope that you can ignore your DB's truly insensitive remarks - I know it's difficult not to overthink things x

I had my dx last year. All ok, had sussed it out a decade earlier.

However my sister, who has worked in mental health, told me I must NOT tell people. which made me feel really shit about it .

I still haven't decided what to do for the best.

I think you should tell (as long as you want to and feel comfortable doing so). I used to work with an aspie guy. I remember finding him very irritating at first until I realised he wasn't picking up on social cues rather than totally ignoring them. (Example: he came round for a drinks party and just kept talking even after everyone had left and I repeatedly told him I was really tired and needed to go to bed soon). Once I picked up on that I would just be a bit more explicit ("I need to go to bed now it's time to go home"). I realised he's a lovely guy. I don't see any reason you should hide it if you would rather tell people.

*Women with Aspergers learn mimic and mask to fit in. However it takes a good deal of emotional energy to hold the façade up, cracks often appear and the mask slips.

Imagine having to act everyday of your life, just to fit in.*

But I think every body does that, in what way are you different?

I am also quite sceptical about "very very mild" diagnosis, etc, because again, everybody has very very mild aspergers, it is a spectrum which contains the whole human race! Either end of the spectrum is equally disabling, but people are all going to move around a bit.

Are you sure there is anything wrong with you at all Kerplunkid? I taught in a school for children with ASD for some time, and one thing all new teachers were warned about was the more you knew about autism, the more you would recognise it in yourself, to the extent where it is a recognised phenomena for anyone who thinks about autism a lot to self diagnose it.

Caronaim - what an unhelpful response!

a) Kerplunk has been diagnosed by professionals, she hasn't 'self diagnosed'

b) having ASD doesn't mean there is anything 'wrong' as you so sweetly put it

c) my understanding is that there is a spectrum of ASD, not this idea that 'we are all on the spectrum' which people trot out... unless you'd like to correct me with some academic research?

In answer to your first point, about everyone acting to some degree - well, perhaps. But not all the time, and not to the same extent - surely you can see that?

Wow Caron are you my brother.

I am very dislexic. I know it isn't the same but, it is something that if I tell people about then they can help me and understand some things I do (colligues thought I was odd for hi lighting my screen blue to read text, printing things on colour psort and the like). If people can help you by better understanding you then I would say tell them.

Another thing I have found is when I tell people, so do others. Witch has made people realise it isn't a big deal and we all have something to add.

I am not totally comfortable with telling people and the stigma that some people have about my dyslexia. And I have to take the time to explain what it is, how it affects me, my ways of coping, what they can do to help but I have got better about this over the last 3 years (I used to burst into tears).

Hope that helps.
X

caronaim what on earth are you on about???? You are WRONG!!!!
Ok we are all on a spectrum, but we are not all on the autistic spectrum.
People like you do not help with your incorrect views.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with the OP, she has autism like she has say blue eyes or freckles. It's a part of her.

You have made me so

Also in response to everyone tries to fit in, in what way are you different?

She is different because she has to work so much harder than neuro typicals to achieve this that it is so draining and mental health can be affected. Females ARE better at mimicking behaviours, hence it being more difficult to diagnose them with autism.

If telling people makes your day to day life a bit easier then tell them. If you think the people you are telling wont understand or it won't make a difference don't tell them. It's how the saying goes those who matter won't mind those who mind don't matter. Take care and good luck

Wow Caronaim!

I can't work out whether you posted that to be deliberately hurtful to KerPlunk, or if you're just one of those people who worked with a handful of people with ASD for a while, and now thinks they know everything about it, or got burned out.

I'm sorry that you don't understand how females with ASD present differently to males, but you don't.

I find your attitude to children with ASD to be pretty awful, and I'm glad you no longer have daily access to them, they will have picked up on your lack of belief and disparagement of them.

FWIW yes,I would tell people when you need / want to. People won't be shocked or upset,why would they be? We're not living in medieval england,many,many people are autistic or have aspergers or live with a partner /family member who is a person on the spectrum.

I have 2 close family members who have very different aspects of autisim so if you told me I would be very interested in having an entirely normal chat about autism. (or asc or whichever term you feel more comfortable with)

It's really worrying that any kind of 'difference' (loathsome term) is viewed as being frightening by some,especiialy since they are reflecting on their own feelings rather than making the effort to think about someone else's!

Yes,tell people. Not everyone is a twat.

P.S- I have adhd, as does my ds. Understanding more has really helped me.

Caronaim - are you for real? I really hope you are not in a position where you might still be working with vulnerable kids with ASD. You simply haven't a clue and are a real example of why so many kids (and adults) with ASD struggle for acceptance and understanding on a day to day basis. Spend a few days in my house and see Hfa in all its glory -you might find it a humbling experience. The only disability my kids 'suffer' from is ignorance and prejudice from people like you.

Kerplunkid - I have two kids with a diagnosis and they tell people and for the most part it has been hugely positive. I was recently at a conference and Tony Atwood was speaking. He said we spend all our time trying to teach our non nt kids hiw to behave in a nt world instead f trying to get the nt world to accept and understand non nt behaviour. I gave to day this resonated with me and makes sense. I am sorry your brother was an assessment but we can only fight stigma and ignorance with truth and knowledge.

Sorry -dam autcorrect on my phone -should have read 'sorry your brother is an ass'. I wish MN would add an edit feature

My sensory issues aren't "selfish".
They are a measurable difference in my neurological make up though and as such exist.

I have mild anxiety. Some people have it so bad they kill themselves. I don't - but I have enough for it to be a health concern.

I have mild APS. Some people have it bad enough to have a stroke. I don't. But they still give me heparin in pregnancy and after operations.

Yes it is a life long concern but it is perfectly possible to have mild ASD (especially if it's more sensory) and live a regular life.
I work with teenagers (very firm but fair and reliable. Will give no bullshit answers to awkward questions. Not a problem). I know colleagues who are ASD - the kids are far more accepting of it than some adults here by the sound of it.