To expect a bit more support from the IL's?

[picklesmagoo]

Had to start a new profile for this so I can't be traced! ;)
Pregnancy hormones going wild. May be being a little U but....

DH is unemployed. He moved in with me right after Uni. Since he left home he has had no practical, emotional or financial help from his parents. I support him as we are not entitled to any help because of my wage which would be decent if it wasn't for the hole we are in. We are paying off my student debts, his student debts, I had to buy a car for work, and he needed a driving licence cue millions of pounds down the drain. When I graduated my parents helped me get my first place (deposit for rent not mortgage) and lent me money to buy fuel to get there until I got my first pay cheque.

Years down the line and we are still in massive financial problems. My parents keep trying to help us, and I keep turning them down. I don't think its their job to help me support DH. His parents are a LOT better off than mine (think so rich they just pop over to america for a week to visit friends). I am beginning to think we will NEVER get out of this mess. I am really upset more than angry. How can they watch their own DS struggling to pay the bills, watching his wife crying over conversations with the bank and not want to help?

Its not just not wanting to help him (with n e thing not just financially, just generally giving a sh*t) But they are also putting massive pressure on us to spend money we don't have for example travelling a long way to family parties and weddings. If we say no I feel like everyone is blaming me for 'not letting' my OH have the money to go.

I know I am not alone but between financial pressure, stress at work and a baby on the way I feel totally overwhelmed.

Op, I sympathise with you.
I think there is stuff that you are refusing to acknowledge though.
Why are you living in a rural area?
Can you move to an urban area where your DH can get a job?
What are your plans for child care?
Will he be a SAHD? If so a town will still be a better place to live - maybe he could get a weekend job if he is going to be a SAHD
Are the student debts credit cards rather than student loan?

What a weird thread.

OP, did you not realise how confusing your opening post was? Why are you talking about "supporting" your DH when what you actually mean was "he's been out of work for less than two months"? Why would anyone blame you for not giving your DH money to go to family events when he had a job as recently as December?

Is he in fact completely useless, as your first post implies? Or is this just a temporary blip while he's between jobs? In that case you need to consider that you're being really very negative about him.

Op if your first post had said DH lost his job before Christmas & we're going through a rough patch & why can't his parents help out this once, I suspect you would have got a far more sympathetic response than the truth the suggestion that DH is long-term unemployed & you're living beyond your means.

Well whilst I can sympathise with your situation - money worries are a nightmare and I've been there with DH myself, YABU to expect financial help from the IL's. You and your DH are both adults - you need to find way to live within your means, and shouldn't expect your ILs to bank roll you. It sounds like your DH is willing to take anything permanent job-wise which is a good start, but has he considered office temping or something in the meantime (I've done this when out of work before). You both need to sit down and work out a budget as to what you currently have coming in and out and reduce your outgoings to match your income, even if it means moving or you doing extra hours whilst your DH job searches. I appreciate it's a bit 'horse, stable-door, bolted' now, and I know there's never a perfect time to have a baby; but getting pregnant whilst you have such significant financial issues wasn't particularly responsible of either of you. I know it's easy to say the baby won't be short of love etc regardless but babies / children aren't exactly cheap, and at the very least you are going to have to now budget for nappies, wipes, clothes, etc onto your regular household outgoings; and that's even before you get to buying all the big things you need (car seat, moses basket, changing table, etc), which all add up, even if buying second hand.

Oh and you both need to start saying no to attending arrangements you can't afford, and if your ILs don't like it then they'll just have to live with it.

Can you think about moving to someplace that would boost his employment chances?

I think if you want cash from your inlaws then you might have to ask for it and why you think it's ok for them to pay out and not your own parents is beyond me.

If things are tight now, unfortunately when you add a child into the mix then it can get a whole lot worse.

No childcare, fees are expensive, you will need to return to work, dh becomes a sahd, blah blah.

Good luck with it all.

OP-I do sympathise and I wonder if you are talking about interest and emotional support from ILs as much as finance.

Hopefully your DH will find work soon.
You sound very stressed-perhaps stress and hormones are behind some of your assumptions that people are assuming your DH has a gambling or drug problem and that your ILs are blaming you.
Try to think about it calmly.

If your DH is in fact trying hard to get a job you will make him feel worse by pointing out that his parents aren't interested.
They have no obligation to him as an adult so you can only accept the way they are.
Your first post was a bit confusing as to whether he had been long term or short term unemployed.

You married a lazy arse who made poor educational choices. Then moved to an area of low employment. Then decided to have a child. This is no one's responsibility but yours and your husband's.

Move.

Stop feeling entitled to other people's money or a bailout for both of your financial problems which are your responsibility, cause largely by voluntary unemployment.

If you cannot afford to go along to family events, say so.

Keeping cocklodgers as pets is very expensive.

Expat-the "cocklodger" was, in fact working until Christmas when he was made redundant. A bit soon to call him a lazy arse.
The unemployment does not appear to be voluntary-although living in a rural area doesn't help-but that may be convenient for OP's work.

Expat have you just taken up writing for the Daily Mail? Or are you now running for the conservative party?

expat

Why do so many people have an expectation that someone else is there to bail them out? The OP and DH have made their choices and now they have to deal with them. What if his parents didn't have any money? There's some serious infantilising of grown ups here. My DH was made redundant from his job and because he needed to support his family, he took a really, really shit one until he could find work in the area in which he wanted. And we also spoke of moving if he was offered a job in another area. At no point did we expect parents to offer us money and nor did they offer. It never even occurred to us.

My parents refused to bail out my brother when he got into debt, as did I. We could have afforded to sort it out. But he'd done it before, more than once, and never made any effort to repay us. He'd also frittered away a small(ish) inheritance of around £10k.

My brother had to sort himself out in the end. And, give him his due, he did it. But he had to be put into the position where he had no other choices left. He also had to miss out of family gatherings because he couldn't afford to travel to them.

Is it possible that your in-laws think the same? Your DH needs to get employment - any employment he can - to get you out of your debt hole.

I think your discussion needs to be with your DH. He chose a degree that isn't easy to be employed in and you live in a rural area. Instead of focussing on your PIL not supporting your DH and helping you out of a hole, you do need to look at the hole and I wonder if moving location, for example, might make it easier for him to find reliable work.

YANBU to be upset that his parents aren't interested in him in a personal way. That is pretty harsh, however I don't think you can do anything to make them more interested.

I also wonder if they might not have agreed with his uni choice and are therefore less keen to help him out financially if they feel he made a bad decision against their advice. Not nice, but I wouldn't expect to fund our DD indefinitely because she chose poorly at uni, I'd expect her to re-evaluate and start on a new career path (either permanently or until her chosen profession works out). Your DH is an adult and needs to support his family by whatever means he can.

I would add that DH and I have just moved across country for his work, to a city we wouldn't have chosen to live in. We've always taken the approach that we need to support ourselves. Luckily for us both my parents and PIL have been able to help us in financial and other ways (just a little bit, nothing hugely excessive) but they won't be around forever. We don't want to rely on them, we have to be self sufficient, so in 30 years time we can still afford our outgoings.

expat

Brilliant.

It is ad his parents are not Interested but cannot change how they are, only your expectations and reactions.

Unless dh is earning over a certain amount he does not have to pay student debts, so you can stop paying them and this reduce outgoings.

Do you need to rent in a very rural area? Could you move near to your job and an area that does not require 2 cars or fuel costs being so high? I would love to live in a rural area but jobs/fuel for us are nearer boring towns/cities so there we live. Same he is in a specialised job area. May perhaps be worthwhile him looking for jobs in a different field and work his way up in those or as tried before minimum pay jobs so he is employed until his dream job comes up. Or of he is to provide childcare whilst you work then perhaps he can get a job at a weekend/occasional evening shift when you home. Not great as not see much of each other - but a means to an end.

His parents. Well when lonely, ill or elderly then they will need to rely on private care as they have money rather than family they have ignored and that is their choice.

Your Pils aren't the problem, your DH is.

Expat love that phrase. Very apt though, keeping another adult who doesn't work is very expensive, likening to a pet I would imagine fits quite a few households.

No adults parents should just hand out money as their child doesn't work. Up to the adults to run the household and fund children if they want them. Nobody else. Pointless degrees in rural areas rarely lead to work, not rocket science is it?

Okay-I get that it isn't on for OP to expect help from her ILs but wtf are people going on about with regards to the husband??
From my reading he was made redundant at Christmas and has been unemployed for a month.
He has taken short term jobs in his field but they have ended because funding finished(not his fault).
He hoped they would lead on to something permanent but they didn't-then he took a min wage job which also finished. (Sounds like funding issue again-not sacked).
He sounds willing to do anything.

Give him a kick while he's down why don't you?

OP is pregnant and stressed-might not be feeling well and went off on one in her first post.

Yes she is being a bit unreasonable but fgs cut them some slack!

There are some helpful posts and moving might have to be a consideration but we don't know anything about OP's job.

So being an adult responsible for your finances not expecting you parents to bail you out when you chose a course of study with limited job prospects, then moved to an area of low employment is Daily Mail and Conservative? Right.

No, branding someone a cocklodger and feckless benefit scrounger for daring to be unemployed for 6 weeks whilst his wife is pregnant was what I had in mind. The subtext of your post was that she should throw him out. Wonder if that'd be the advice you'd give him if their situations were reversed?

Oh and on what basis are you condemning his 'poor educational choices'? OP doesn't give nearly enough info to make an informed decision about his career opportunities. Lots of careers are difficult to get into.

And where (for completeness) does it say that he expects his parents to bail him out?