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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect a bit more support from the IL's?

101 replies

picklesmagoo · 04/02/2015 16:00

Had to start a new profile for this so I can't be traced! ;)
Pregnancy hormones going wild. May be being a little U but....

DH is unemployed. He moved in with me right after Uni. Since he left home he has had no practical, emotional or financial help from his parents. I support him as we are not entitled to any help because of my wage which would be decent if it wasn't for the hole we are in. We are paying off my student debts, his student debts, I had to buy a car for work, and he needed a driving licence cue millions of pounds down the drain. When I graduated my parents helped me get my first place (deposit for rent not mortgage) and lent me money to buy fuel to get there until I got my first pay cheque.

Years down the line and we are still in massive financial problems. My parents keep trying to help us, and I keep turning them down. I don't think its their job to help me support DH. His parents are a LOT better off than mine (think so rich they just pop over to america for a week to visit friends). I am beginning to think we will NEVER get out of this mess. I am really upset more than angry. How can they watch their own DS struggling to pay the bills, watching his wife crying over conversations with the bank and not want to help?

Its not just not wanting to help him (with n e thing not just financially, just generally giving a sh*t) But they are also putting massive pressure on us to spend money we don't have for example travelling a long way to family parties and weddings. If we say no I feel like everyone is blaming me for 'not letting' my OH have the money to go.

I know I am not alone but between financial pressure, stress at work and a baby on the way I feel totally overwhelmed.

OP posts:

kewtogetin · 04/02/2015 16:43

They wouldn't be helping him out though would they? They'd be enabling him to carry on doing fuck all as he has been doing these past god knows how many years. Your anger seems misplaced, why are you not angrier at your DH? He is your partner, your equal and yet you're carrying him and allowing to behave like a child, making excuses for him and blaming his parents for his quite frankly massive inadequacies.

LittleBairn · 04/02/2015 16:49

YABU you are both adults its time to grow up and accept you need to support yourselves.
Why did he need a driving license? Do you live rurally?

exWifebeginsat40 · 04/02/2015 16:52

what I think you meant, OP, is 'my filthy rich inlaws won't clear our debts for us'.

is that a more accurate assessment?

SnowWhiteAteTheApple · 04/02/2015 16:53

Why does he need a driving licence if not working and hasn't been for some time.

Most parents wouldn't be in a rush to help out an adult child who didnt work, was in debt and decided this was a great time to start a family

He needs to step up not his parents.

Pumpkinpositive · 04/02/2015 16:59

Why on earth are you paying off your unemployed husband's student loan??

Doesn't he (he not you) have to earn over a certain threshold before being liable for repayments?

Pumpkinpositive · 04/02/2015 17:02

I had to buy a car for work, and he needed a driving licence cue millions of pounds down the drain.

Why did he "need" a licence? Is he your chauffeur?? confuscious

MrsPeterQuill · 04/02/2015 17:07

Is there any reason why your DH cannot support himself? He sounds like a giant manchild and it's not his parents job to carry him now he's an adult.

Unless there is something you aren't telling us, he needs to grow the fuck up and accept some responsibility.

Fabulous46 · 04/02/2015 17:12

We've helped all of our kids out financially after Uni in one way or another. BUT there's no way in hell I'd be helping them out if their DP was a lazy arse! He needs to man up and get a job. You should stop expecting parents to give him any help if he won't help himself.

Skatingfastonthinice · 04/02/2015 17:15

This doesn't make sense.
Why are you supporting him so completely, and how long has he been unemployed and why? Medical reasons? Lack of inclination?
Why do you expect his parents to continue to support him when he's apparently done almost nothing to move into taking on responsibilities like an adult should?
Why are you responsible for his loan repayments?
How are you going to cope with a baby, my OH was a househusband for years, but he worked PT from home as well.
I'm helping my adult children ATM, but I don't expect it to be for years, and I'd be very pissed off if they expected me to.
You need to put the blame where it belongs, on the partner you are carrying and have been carrying for years. And if this is a reverse AIBU and it's your wife you are talking about, my response would be the same.

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/02/2015 17:17

You sound as if you are feeling a little overwhelmed, OP . So let's take it slowly, one step at a time.

Debt - why are you repaying his student loans? Repayments are due only when the ex-student's wages are over a certain threshold, since he is unemployed then no repayments can be due.

His parents - "Since he left home he has had no practical, emotional or financial help from his parents." Then you just have to accept that that is the sort of people they are. Have no expectations of them and you'll be fine. Try not to resent them for who and what they are - it won't change them one bit, and it will damage you.
" I don't think its [my parents] job to help me support DH." Well, it's not his parents' job either! He is a married man, about to become a father - it is HIS job to support HIMSELF, and his family (you and your children).

"But [his parents] are also putting massive pressure on us to spend money we don't have for example travelling a long way to family parties and weddings."
That's an easy one to solve- he tells them that he can't afford it. Not you, him.

"If we say no I feel like everyone is blaming me for 'not letting' my OH have the money to go."
Who is this magical 'everyone' who is blaming you? And the way you have worded it, about not letting him have money - that implies that 'everyone' is aware he has no money, but somehow thinks that you do and you hoard it away from him? Where is this idea coming from? His parents? Or your husband himself?

And finally, Your husband - why is he unemployed? Has he been unemployed for long, and what steps is he taking to get a job?

Sorry to ask so many questions rather than give answers OP, but what you have written is what's on the surface of your mind, and I think the issues are a little deeper.

geekymommy · 04/02/2015 17:34

It's their money, and their decision whether or how much they give to anybody. If they don't want to give it to your DH, for whatever reason, they don't have to.

They shouldn't be pressuring you to spend money you don't have, but that would be true regardless of how much money they have or give to you. If they grew up always having money, they might not understand what a financial burden travel for family events is for you. You might want to discuss that with them the next time this comes up.

Original poster

picklesmagoo · 04/02/2015 17:46

Like I said in my OP it's not just money, it's generally not taking an interest in his life, or offering any emotional support. It has been a few years since graduation and there have been a few factors contributing to the problem. I won't go into too much detail about specifics for obvious reasons.

We live in a very rural area which is why driving was so essential. Add to that that OH's field is one which relies on short term contract work. OH has taken a few of these very poorly paid contracts working long hours in the hope it would lead to more permanent/ higher level work but to no avail. He's not irresponsible with money it is just that our income only just pays rent, fuel etc so we are having major problems paying things off and one unexpected problem and its back to square one. He took a minimum wage job just for the security with the council last year but got made resundant before Christmas (last in first out).

We don't live near the ILs. But we saw them recently, at which point they just didn't seem to want to know about him, unless he has anything to say that would give them bragging rights with their mates.

It's not that I think they should be responsible for him... I just can't imagine getting to the point where you have this little warmth towards your own son.

As for those who said it was irresponsible to bring a baby into the situation. We might not have the money we need but my child will never want for support or love from his family.

I'm a bit surprised that everyone assumed OH had some sort of alcohol, drugs or gambling problem. The Daily Mail are doing a good job with the propaganda... some people just have shitty luck and are trying their best.

OP posts:

grovel · 04/02/2015 17:51

OP, has your DH got siblings? Do they get treated better by your PiLs?

PtolemysNeedle · 04/02/2015 17:55

Is your DH bothered by the lack of emotional support from his parents?

Some people just aren't like that with their adult children or their parents, that doesn't mean they are wrong. You sound like you're judging your in laws based on the way your own family does things, and that just isn't fair.

Skatingfastonthinice · 04/02/2015 17:55

So you support him, his parents did for around 21 years if he went to uni. Perhaps they thnk that it's time they stopped.
Any chance you could move somewhere that he could have a better chance of a job? Anything, not just something in his field.
We shifted from the SE to the NW for almost a decade, because it was so much cheaper.

KatieKaye · 04/02/2015 17:58

Your DH needs to get himself another job, whether on his field or not . He needs to be earning so you can both support yourselves and not rely on your parents who are presumably near retrial age.

YABU to expect his parents to support a grown man.

NerrSnerr · 04/02/2015 17:59

Could you move somewhere less rural where there is more work? Did his parents pay for him to go to university? They may feel that money was wasted if he hasn't worked much since graduation. I still think it's unfair to be angry at them, it really is not their responsibility.

Reddragon116 · 04/02/2015 18:02

You and your dh have years to make babies - try to make some money 1st

morethanpotatoprints · 04/02/2015 18:03

YABU to expect your ils to support him. Maybe they are being cruel to be kind.
He needs to find a job to support his family the same as every other person needs to do.
I know its tough and have been there ourselves in the early days, you just have to tough it out and unless you feel happy to support him then he'll have to get a job.

APlaceInTheWinter · 04/02/2015 18:03

Not everyone did assume your DP had an 'alcohol, drugs or gambling problem' And yy some people do just have shitty luck. The thing is if you are going through one of those 'bad luck' patches then you sometimes don't know whether there is support available or not.

We can't help with getting your ILs to become more involved and engaged. We have no idea why they are like that as it could just be their personalities or there could be some backstory between them and your DP.

However, PPs have given good advice and asked valid questions that might help you to manage better and feel a little less swamped eg why you're paying his student loan; getting advice from CAB, etc.

I hope you can access some good advice to make your debts more manageable and your situation more tenable.

jumpinghoops · 04/02/2015 18:06

OP, I feel for you, it sounds like a very stressful situation. This though we may not have the money we need but my child will never want ...... needs more careful thinking. I presume your DH will stay at home and you'll go back to work quickly. I urge you to stop paying any debts that are not needed ie. his student loan and set aside anything spare at all for anytime you plan to take off (hopefully you get a generous mat package!). Do not underestimate the need to plan your finances super carefully for this time, think about where things can be sourced cheaply- in my personal experience the most stressful time of my life was dealing with a non-sleeping newborn with not a bean in the bank. Puts a lot of pressure on your relationship

littleredhen2 · 04/02/2015 18:06

I think some people are underestimating how difficult it can be to find a job in a rural area-and if you have a good job that you are happy in moving may not be something you want to rush into as a first solution.
In fact he has only been unemployed since Christmas-although I get that the jobs haven't been what he was qualified for.

Does he feel that his parents are unsupportive or is it more you that feels this.

It sounds as if his family set-up is different from yours-does he have more siblings-are they less close?

Do you think that he doesn't care about getting a job and is happy to rely on other people for support or is he finding the situation stressful?
If he's stressed try not to make him feel worse by criticising his family.
If you feel he's just being lazy its time to get tough.
A lot depends on his attitude.

Viviennemary · 04/02/2015 18:08

Your DH's parents don't have to support him financially now he's an adult. Is there a reason why he can't get work even if it's not too well paid so at least he will have some income. It might have been better to have waited till your were both in a better financial position before planning a baby. As now you have all this stress over money. But you need practical help. Agree with CAB as a starting point.

redskybynight · 04/02/2015 18:09

I think you have 2 extremes here - on the one hand your own parents have helped you get on your feet as an adult and are continuing to offer you lots of support. I think this level of support is actually quite unusual and you have been incredibly fortunate. I haven't had any support of that sort of level since I left university and nor have most people I know.

silveroldie2 · 04/02/2015 18:13

Your husband needs to man up - if he can't find work in his chosen field why isn't he looking in other areas? He sounds like a useless lump.

Assuming you are both adults, YABU to think his parents should pay off the debt.

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