To expect a bit more support from the IL's?

[picklesmagoo]

Had to start a new profile for this so I can't be traced! ;)
Pregnancy hormones going wild. May be being a little U but....

DH is unemployed. He moved in with me right after Uni. Since he left home he has had no practical, emotional or financial help from his parents. I support him as we are not entitled to any help because of my wage which would be decent if it wasn't for the hole we are in. We are paying off my student debts, his student debts, I had to buy a car for work, and he needed a driving licence cue millions of pounds down the drain. When I graduated my parents helped me get my first place (deposit for rent not mortgage) and lent me money to buy fuel to get there until I got my first pay cheque.

Years down the line and we are still in massive financial problems. My parents keep trying to help us, and I keep turning them down. I don't think its their job to help me support DH. His parents are a LOT better off than mine (think so rich they just pop over to america for a week to visit friends). I am beginning to think we will NEVER get out of this mess. I am really upset more than angry. How can they watch their own DS struggling to pay the bills, watching his wife crying over conversations with the bank and not want to help?

Its not just not wanting to help him (with n e thing not just financially, just generally giving a sh*t) But they are also putting massive pressure on us to spend money we don't have for example travelling a long way to family parties and weddings. If we say no I feel like everyone is blaming me for 'not letting' my OH have the money to go.

I know I am not alone but between financial pressure, stress at work and a baby on the way I feel totally overwhelmed.

Does he plan on being a sahd when baby arrives? How does he feel? Does he feel supported by them emotionally at all?

You're pregnant. In an ideal world you'd paid off your debts and have savings yaddah yaddah but you don't so you do need to think about how you will cope financially when the baby is here given that your earnings seem to be only covering your basics. Is moving feasible? Could you find cheaper rent? Will he be a SAHP and you return to work? Are you willing to move if OH secures a job?

It seems that your OH had realised that he may need to give up his dream career given that he has taken a minimum wage job in the past. It seems likely that he needs to do the same now. Other than credit card/loans he didn't need, and shouldn't be, paying any student loan repayment so stop paying. I assume he is now claiming JSA if recently redundant?

As other PP have said, it isn't his or your parents responsibility to bail him out or provide financial support. Emotional support would be nice but does he actually want it or do you? Do they really know the extent of your financial crisis? If you are attending expensive events the IL will think you're lying. You should tell them exactly why you can't go to events if money is the problem. Surely the IL know your OH isn't working so how do they expect him to fund these things? It may be worth asking the IL this next time they get in a mood.

Its easier said than done, but try not to dwell on what you aren't getting from PIL. You can't change them.

Put your joint energies instead to get advice on how you can recover from your financial difficulties.
I'm not surprised you're feeling overwhelmed.

I sympathise with the financial worries, OP, I really do. But your DH needs to get a job. Even minimum wage work could bank you both a good few hundred which would take the pressure off of you a little.

What's he going to do when the baby arrives and you go onto maternity pay, because that's when you're really going to struggle Babies cost a fortune. Love and support are both wonderful, but unfortunately they won't keep LO in nappies.

Personally I would lessen the student loan repayments immediately - if you cannot afford to pay the amount that you are, then stop. And why are you paying DH's for him? That's his responsibility, surely?

As for the IL's, it's really not their responsibility to shoulder your DH's finances anymore. He's a grown man. If there are problems between them with regards to emotional support, then that's something he should maybe think about discussing with them. Has he ever talked to them about it? Is it an issue for him?

I'm really sorry things are shitty. Have some

'we may not have the money we need but my child will never want ...'

But they will want, however passionately you feel about it.

They will want clothes and nappies and laundry and heating and bedding and a place to sleep and...that's only in the first 6 months.
You need to work out how to manage your own finances and situation together so that you don't have to rely on handouts and favours from your families. Begin by saying no to all the family parties and weddings and whatnots. Those are extras, you can't afford it so there is no guilt involved.

I certainly didn't assume he has some drugs, alcohol or gambling problem.

Forget the ILs - you cannot change their behaviour. You, DH & your bump need to work together as a unit, and concentrate on the 3 of you only. Please consider some sort of financial advice - with a plan in place it will hopefully reduce the stress on you both. I think if they have failed to support him in any way up until this point they are unlikely to now. Sadly you both have to accept that.

I asked before about your job? If this is secure and well paid will this be sufficient to support you both and DH be the SAHP?

X post Vino.
I remember a colleague being confused when expecting her PFB when she told us she was ready and had 3 babygros. One on the baby, one in the wash and one clean was her reasoning.
We who had survived multiple poonamis in the spavce of one night had a fit of the giggles and started collecting stuff.
Babies are expensive.

As grown ups you need to manage your own financial affairs that includes getting whatever work there is even in a different field, relocating if necessary etc. I don't think you should expect financial assistance from your in laws. Your dh unfortunately sounds a bit hopeless and over dependant. He is having a child now he needs to get out there and get some cash coming in somehow even if it's minimum wage or self employed, labouring etc etc

Even though I think it is unreasonable to expect anything from the in laws, I really do feel for you OP. Firstly, if we all waited until the perfect time to have children there would be very few children in this world I'd wager so I'm a bit at some of those comments.

It must be a horrible amount of pressure to have to support you both and have a baby on the way - and the hormones won't be helping eithr.

You've had some really practical advice from other people though about sorting out your finances.

I live in a rural area. I just asked DH what he would do if he had no job and couldn't get one in his field, his answer was 'anything' - he'd wash pots, work in a pub, drive a van, wash windows, do care work - absolutely anything to earn a wage, even if it was minimum wage. Perhaps your DH needs to consider the practicalities of your finances, however galling it may feel to give up his dream of his particular career, for now at least?

Also - I would take the help your parents are offering. They wouldn't offer unless they felt you need it and you and DH come as a package. If I were your mum and I saw you that upset and worried I'd be offering too.

for you

OP, fill this in with your DH, let him see the reality of your situation and let him decide what he's going to do to contribute towards a solution.

www.stoozing.com/calculator/soa.php

Firstly, if your DH isn't working, he shouldn't be paying off his student loans at all. If he's not earning more than 15k a year, his student loans shouldn't even be an issue.

Second, I assume he has his license now, and a car? Then he needs to go out and get a job! It doesn't matter what field it's in - stacking shelves in Tesco is still a job and brings in more money than JSA. You can't graduate and then not work because you can't find work in your field, that's nuts. There must be supermarkets or something taking on employees - even if it's nights in a warehouse or evenings in a pub, it's still a job and better than nothing.

Thirdly, it's not upto your IL's to support you. DP and I get nothing from our parents in a financial sense, and why should we? We're both adults and we work and don't live at home anymore - you and your DH need to stand on your own two feet and figure out how you're going to support yourself and this baby. If your parents are offering help (financial, I assume)? Then take it. You need to clear your debts and start sorting things out before you have childcare costs and all the expenses of a newborn.

I love the way the OP's dh is a useless scrounger just because he can't find a job So easy to find casual work in rural areas in winter.

Then th couple need to relocate. Choosing to live in a rural area where there is no work expecting in laws to subsidise this lifestyle choice is seemingly no longer an option. The op says that the dh is unemployed, she provides accommodation pays off his loans and paid for him to learn to drive. It's unclear what the husband has contributed but not enough for him to live independently of his parents it seems. Tough choices need to be made here unfortunately. Expecting continued bail outs from parents isn't sensible.

Agree with Barbarian Mum-it sounds as if OP's DH is willing to consider anything.
I hope he gets something soon.
It isn't up to ILs to support you I agree but it does sound as if they don't really understand your financial position.
If they aren't very understanding there isn't much you can do about it-so I would stop hoping they will change.
Comparing them negatively to your own parents could upset your DH and make him defensive.

Iif you "don't have the money you need" for a child, who will be paying for it?

I think if your OH can't find any work in his field then he needs to take whatever work he can find to help with the money situation, in his field or not, career building or not. Someone I know couldn't find any work within her field, she applied for a job at Tesco instead and she's on good money. It's not what she trained for or wants to do but it's a good steady wage. It's worth him considering as another option if his current field isn't giving anything.

In regards to the IL paying, no they shouldn't. However they sound like very inattentive, uncaring parents so I'd keep refusing all invitations and not expect too much OP. I'd also get DH to say no to them.

Does he desperately want to please them and get their love/attention but they don't care? Otherwise I'd not bother too much with them. See how they are towards your baby too, they may well treat them the same.

Blimey there are some harsh responses on here. Of course adults should not be expecting their parents to provide for them but what comes across most in your op is your in-laws lack of warmth or even interest in their son. That must be incredibly hurtful. Even if I decided my son needed to stand on his own feet financially, I would still give whatever practical or emotional support I could, especially if there was a grandchild on the way. I can't understand their attitude and I really feel for you.

I do think there's some good practical advice on here and I'm not sure I can add to it. But I would let your parents help you out and yes to stopping his student loan repayments! Good luck.

Sorry yabu. Its your dh who should be supporting himself not his parents. He is an adult

But they are also putting massive pressure on us to spend money we don't have for example travelling a long way to family parties and weddings. If we say no I feel like everyone is blaming me for 'not letting' my OH have the money to go.

You need to stop worrying about what they will think and say very clearly and blunty " I am sorry but we cannot afford to go, as you know your son is not working, baby on the way...no ££"

simple! why hide it, hy pretend

It sounds like your hiding the truth from them, stop going to family events...that cost! start being truthful.

Absolutely-tell them politely but straight "We would love to come but unfortunately we can't afford it at present"

Are you sure they are blaming you-or are you just feeling that way?
I agree that some responses here are very harsh.
I hope your husband soon finds work-its a stressful situation for you both.
Also it sounds as if you have a reasonable job and people have had babies in worse situations.
Yes-babies do have needs but when they are small equipment and clothes can be come by quite cheaply.
Whilst your husband continues to look for work try to make some time to enjoy yourselves and enjoy your pregnancy-you don't need to spend a lot.

I'm a bit surprised that everyone assumed OH had some sort of alcohol, drugs or gambling problem. The Daily Mail are doing a good job with the propaganda... some people just have shitty luck and are trying their best.

I have just checked back through all the posts before you made this statement, and literally nobody even implied any of these things about your husband. Plenty of people pointed out that his perpetual unemployment could be down to laziness, or that you should be more concerned about how he is going to resolve the situation with your finances rather than expecting his parents to do it, but not a single word that suggested a problem other than potential unwillingness to get off his arse.

The fact that you have ignored all the sensible advice about student loans, debt management and how to accept your in-laws for who they are, and instead accused posters of saying this and insulted their intelligence without so much as acknowledging the many helpful posts speaks volumes, I'm afraid. You are hell-bent on defending your husband, which would be admirable if it weren't for the fact that it is blinding you to the reality of your situation, which is that it is up to him to do whatever needs doing to improve your circumstances.

FGS picklesmagoo nobody assumed your DH had any sort of substance abuse problem - they just asked a few questions for clarification, given that your OP was a bit ambiguous. This is AIBU, so when you ask AIBU there's always the chance that people will say yes, YABU. Clearly the answer you wanted is that yes, your inlaws should bail help your DH out and you ignored all the sensible advice you were given here about debt management etc and instead went into a strop and accused us of being Daily Mail readers. I'm sorry for the situation you're on but clearly you ILs are never going to be any help so you need to get practical. There is some good advice on here, please take it.

Take a step back. Even if his parents bailed you out you would be quickly in the same situation if your income doesn't cover your outgoings. Get in touch with a debt charity and both u and dh go and make a plan, find a way forward

This is the kind of thread that only exists in some parallel mumsnet universe.

In my experience most well off parents (and plenty of not so well off ones) help their adult DCs financially or emotionally.

OP my sympathies are with you. I remember how unfair it felt when everyone else I knew who bought their first flat had substantial financial help from their parents towards their deposit. Even though I was a young single mum and my parents had more money than they knew what to do with I was left to pay for everything myself.

It was the same when I had to buy a car to get to my first job. They could have lent me £500/£1000 to get an old banger that I would have been able to pay back out of my wages in a few months. But instead they insisted I got an extortionate car loan that I got charged a fortune in interest for that I was stuck in for years.

There were loads more similar instances like when I had to threaten them with legal action when they stopped contributing what they were legally obliged to towards my student expenses.

I was an accidental dc and they basically couldn't wait for me to grow up and f* off out of their lives.

Of course when they want help from me now I'm expected to drop everything and help them.

They've pissed away all their money now so now I have the stress of not just supporting my own family but worrying about where they are going to live in the future too.

Maybe your dp's parents will get a little karma too in the future.