is staying at home a real luxury??

[btfly2]

and why many women feel the obligation to justify that they are stay at home mums. Im sorry, just feel very curious about your opinions and if aibu? Thank you!

I don't know really. Interesting question.

We have 3 dc age 5 and under so the child care would be more than I could earn. However I LOVE being at home. I find it incredibly rewarding and to be honest it's all I wanted to do once we had dc. I have friends who are having to return to work now their dc are 9m (same as my ds) and I feel so incredibly grateful that I am able to stay at home with him. So I suppose in that sense it is a luxury.

I'm not sure it should be though, I think we probably should live in a climate where it is perfectly possible to do either option. A combination of more flexible working rights, a culture where more men stay at home and a lowering of living expenses would help a lot. I agree with a pp though that this government is focused on getting MORE parents into the work place so I don't think those things will be too forthcoming. They value economic productivity rather than home based roles.

soonToBeSix

sleepy didn't say that raising children wasn't fulfilling. She said If I was to stay home we could afford it but could we justify it. I would be unfulfilled not realising my potential.

Do you have a problem with people wanting fulfilment from more than one source as I've seen you ask a similar question on another thread? Isn't it normal to want a rounded life and not be fulfilled in only one area?

Sleepy how is raising children unfulfilling?

Lots of people don't find raising children 'fulfilling' - it's not the be all and end all for many of us but we probably daren't mention that on Mumsnet. .

As I said earlier, I was a SAHM for years, and loved it, but it wasn't about being a 'great mother' it was more about having time to do what I wanted to rather than be a wage slave or an earth mother - there is an alternative you know .

Also, as parents we are all 'raising our children'. Whether we stay at home or go out and work.

If you have a rich spouse and spend your time with other yummy parents in the gym, then it's probably a luxury.

But if you don't work because you can't afford childcare or have a disability or are a single parent or whatever, then it's not.

Where I live, most of the non-working mums have better cars than I do as a working mum, more expensive houses and go on more, and more expensive, holidays. The working mums do so to keep a roof over their heads precisely because they don't have the luxury of a rich husband. But I know that's not representative of the whole country.

However, I think if it's possible, you should always have your own income and ability to earn. You just don't know when husband could die/get ill/lose his job/run off with the secretary. A couple of days a week in nursery is better than being totally reliant on a man in my view.

If you have a rich spouse and spend your time with other yummy parents in the gym, then it's probably a luxury

Why do women feel the need to be so snidey about other women's choices?

Not all of us who were SAHMs with 'rich' husbands spent our time in the gym I wish or I wouldn't be so fat now. I admit I didn't need to work for financial reasons but I spent many years as a SAHM doing a lot of voluntary and community work - as many other people who don't work do. And a lot of us who work still manage to fit in voluntary work.

Huge amounts of good work in this country is done by volunteers - many of whom are stay at home parents.

muminhants- SAHM are not so "totally reliant on a man". If things go tits up then I am sure most of us could sort ourselves up, get a job etc.

However while we have the choice then I prefer not to. Despite being on a moderately low income we decided that our children should be raised at home by a parent- full time.

I didn't want to send my kids to nursery.

I didn't want to send my kids to nursery either - that's why I have a childminder

My DS is only in childcare two days a week which I find easy to handle. If I had a job that meant I had to use fill time childcare then obviously I would but I think I would find it hard emotionally.

writer- when I meant not sending my kids to nursery- I meant some kind of day care, whether nursery, nanny or childminder. I wanted to spend these precious years caring for my own children,

Agreed bigbluestars. I'm always irritated by the assumption of absolutes in threads like these, including the notion that SAHMs are complete strangers to the world of work and would simply dissolve in a puddle of helpless bewilderment should anything happen to their breadwinner husband. The vast majority worked before having children and many go back when their children reach school age.

I'll need to go back to work when we return to London (I stopped working when we moved abroad for DH's work to a place where the industry in which I built my career just doesn't exist), and while I know that taking a few years out will be a set back and I can't expect my career to pick up where I left off, I also refuse to believe that I'll be completely and utterly unemployable.

(And don't get me started on the "childcare costs should be split between parents, even if it means that having both parents working costs money"...)

mrsfrumble- I totally agree. I was never concerned about not getting back onto the job market- I am aware and confident of my skills and strengths.

Do SAHMs suddenly turn into mindless drones?

I haven't returned to the job market 17 years after giving up.

MrsFrumble - exactly - you get a lot of SAHMs of preschoolers, but by the time the youngest is at school, most are working, then as DCs get older, the % of the mums not working in some form (even if not full time) drops again!

I don't see being a sAHM to a pre-schooler a luxury, any more than being a nanny to a preschooler is a 'dream job' where you get paid and "don't work". Doing something for free rather than being paid for it doesn't make it any less work. I believe the nannies I know work.

I don't see it as a luxury as such. DP earns good money (well I see it as good, but mn seems to be a different world) and I didn't. We have ds who is 13 months and I'm pregnant so, with 2 under 2 childcare would be more than I earn. I enjoy being at home but there is something a little perverse in being thought of as fortunate to earn so little that childcare would eat it all up.
As pp have said, the luxury is choice. I have a friend who works 4 days a week and clears £50/week after childcare. She hates her job but they need the £50 so she works. SAH feels like a luxury compared to that tbh.

why many women feel the obligation to justify that they are stay at home mums.

No idea. But they do. Most people couldn't give a shit about whether someone SAH or not but of those who have given an opinion to me they have been almost exclusively negative. I've had "I need to use my brain and make a contribution", "Your education will be wasted", "You'll have nothing to talk to your dp about" and, perhaps the most hurtful "Children should be in nursery, he'll end up behind being stuck at home with you". I'm not sure if they would see it as a luxury or not.

The thing is Nicky, some women do feel the need to ask SAHMs when they'll work again. I certainly get this. My youngest starts school in September and every week someone asks me if I've started looking for a job yet . I do find it a bit tedious quite frankly. There are certain women that I have decided to actively keep away from at the school gates as I know that conversation will come up. I feel that I do have to justify myself but I don't see why I should. We don't claim any benefits and are not harming anyone. Why do people feel the need to keep asking?

Soon to be six - I didn't mean that raising children is unfulfilling! I was thinking that long term it would be unfufilling eg when the children are at school all day. I wouldn't be able to return to my old job unfortunately and am sure I would dwell on what it would have been like.

In an ideal world I would have 3 years off and then return to the same job but legally I can't ask them to retain that for me for this years hence why I returning to work. My husband could look for a higher paid job circa £140k a year but he would be working full time and never see our dd. Id rather he was was working 3 days a week and me at work too. Also it's about independence. I can't imagine divorcing.... But it could happen, something awful could happen to dh so I need to be slightly self sufficient. I also like knowing I am paying into my pension and saving for my future. To be a sahm would mean a little too much reliance in dh. He is brilliant and not al all controlling but I am my own woman!!

it wasn't a luxury for me, it was a necessity as the job I went on maternity from was canned while I was off and what they offered me when I went back was minimum wage and didn't cover childcare costs. it has taken 6 months to find something that paid enough to make going back worthwhile. I was lucky that dp's wages just about covered the household costs but we have had to scrimp on everything else and use money we were given as gifts to do things to house or pay for extras

I agree with those who say it is only a luxury if you have free choice of how many children you want to have and whether you want to work or not without it being dictated by finances. Plenty of people I know have either had to stay at home or had to go back to work for financial reasons depending on their circumstances.

In my situation I have to work because DH's salary alone would not cover the mortgage and bills. I earnt quite a bit more than DH pre-DS and working 3 days a week now I earn approximately what he earns working 5. Childcare is very very expensive - if it came out of my income alone it would be about 1/3 of it and although we both want another child we are struggling to see how we could afford it at the moment.

That makes sense sleepy .

No, to be sitting at a desk all day surfing and occasionally sending emails and doing the odd bit of powerpoint would be simply luxurious!

No, its completely normal if you are a parent, it's your job
Some people choose to outsource this, others don't.

Maybe some people need to justify it to others because they receive criticism about their choice.

Maybe they aren't doing it by choice and believe they should be working so come up with reasons to justify being at home to feel better.

For some people it is a luxury to be able to afford to go to work, so they aren't going to see being at home as a luxury,

It's not a luxury at all! Childcare costs are ao high that although I have a profession and do currently work financially I bring home £200 a month for a 40 hr week.

We get no benefits or tax credits due to DH's income. He works very long hours.

I found staying at home isolating, boring, exhausting and unstimulating.

I find working interesting and enjoy the adult company. For me working and paying for childcare is a luxury.

Weekends are great fun but were always extremely busy.

Stopping work to have my kids has led to some amazing opportunities in my life.

I took a leap of faith and followed my instincts. Through motherhood and child based activities I became a breastfeeding counsellor, led many group meetings for other mothers as a volunteer, talked in parliament, gave radio interviews, started two small businesses ( nothing to do with breastfeeding)
Now 17 years later I am still not back to the rat race, but earn more than my OH in a self employed capacity.

Sometimes the big changes in life can lead somewhere interesting.

Gosh its a different world to around if people are "struggling" on 75 grand a year.

I think choosing to go back to work to have lots of savings/better holidays/etc is a valid choice (as writer has done) but still a choice luckily all the same.