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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

is staying at home a real luxury??

130 replies

btfly2 · 03/02/2015 23:42

and why many women feel the obligation to justify that they are stay at home mums. Im sorry, just feel very curious about your opinions and if aibu? Thank you!

OP posts:
Bonsoir · 04/02/2015 07:41

Being a SAHM is only a luxury if it is a genuine choice, fully supported and desired by both partners, and you have enough money such that you don't end up as everyone else's skivvy and fall back person but can outsource what you don't like doing and have enough money to socialise.

vdbfamily · 04/02/2015 07:48

A Luxury is usually something expensive that you do not actually need. I think for many women, staying at home is actually the opposite of a luxury....it can be a sacrifice. For me,I felt genuinely that it was the best thing for our children and the best thing for our relationship, and the best thing for our income. My husband and I earned a fairly similar amount but we had 3 DC within 3.5 years and I breastfed each for a year so it seemed easier for it to be me at home,although after each period of maternity leave we did make use of flexible working law to manage the childcare between us. I worked one long day weekly and he did a condensed week. We could have used all my salary to pay for childcare but both felt that for our kids to have one of their parents there all the time when they were small was important for their stability and wellbeing. Our 3rd child was diagnosed with a condition at 7 weeks that meant she was very poorly fairly regularly,with periods of hospitalisation and I cannot imagine how much more stressful that would have been if we had both been working full-time. She is now 8 and we are hoping her consultant will sign her off this month after 3 operations over the years. My kids never had new clothes,always hand me downs fromfriends or charity shops. We never went to places like Legoland and in fact last year when DH had been unemployed for 2 years and I had been working fulltime, he told the kids that when he got a job, we would all go to Legoland for the first time and that is how we celebrated with the kids aged 11,10 and 8 when he landed a job. Our holidays usually involve staying with family around the country. Our car was given to us by a friend who knew we needed a bigger car but could not afford it. So NO, I don't think SAHM is a luxury for that many people but I think it is a wonderful thing to do for your children if you are prepared to make the sacrifice and it is certainly not anything to apologise for.

Nolim · 04/02/2015 07:51

Now that i think about it i did feel that i had to justify to return to work ful time! Other mums on maternity leave were not returning or returning pt. i felt that they thought that not looking after the baby a couple of days at least was unreasonable.
For me working was not a luxury but probably some people think it is.

I guess at some point every parent feels that they have to justify their work/home balance. Except working dads.

WD41 · 04/02/2015 07:53

Yeah staying at home with no adult conversation, no progression of career, doing all the housework and looking after small children. That's a real luxury that is.

The truth is a lot of people are sahm because they can't afford childcare on their wages. People feel the need to justify because they feel judged. And whether it was your intention or not, starting these threads doesn't help.

bigbluestars · 04/02/2015 07:55

I feel priviledged to have stayed at home with my children in the early years WD41.

It's a very valuable thing to do.

ssd · 04/02/2015 07:57

IME going back to work and being able to actually pay for childcare is the luxury

too many people assume if you stay at home you must have a high earner backing you up

most women I know either earn enough to pay for childcare if they dont get it free from family, or work evenings'weekends so they dont need childcare and can keep their meagre earnings.

Writerwannabe83 · 04/02/2015 07:59

I agree nolim about justifying your hours when you go back to work. I recently started back after maternity and returned at 32.5 hours a week. A few days ago when I was asked by a colleague how many hours I was doing and the response I got was not very positive. She gasped and said, "Blimey, that's a lot!" She instantly made me feel like a bad mother.

Sometimes me and DH think we'd love another child but we couldn't afford it. We can't afford to pay two lots of childcare but nor can we have a SAHP as we need both our wages to sustain our house and bills etc.

That's the only way in which I'm jealous of families being able to afford to have a SAHP as to some degree they don't have as much to contend with when it comes to the freedom to have more children.

Meechimoo · 04/02/2015 08:08

Those who call it drudgery: there are wohms who often spring up on these threads claiming to do "all a sahm does and work too"
I'd call that drudgery.Grin

Minisoksmakehardwork · 04/02/2015 08:09

It's financial common sense for us rather than a luxury. I couldn't earn enough to cover full time childcare for our younger 2 children plus before and after school club for the older two. Although it was something dh and I wanted, we would have liked circumstances not to have dictated it quite so much.

It's a moot point these days anyway as due to rural living and small village school, there is no before/after school childcare so I'd be looking for a job between 9:30-2:30 (allowing travelling time). I do believe the term for jobs like these is 'rocking horse poo'.

The luxury aspect comes in to play as we don't have to worry about one of us taking dependants leave for sick children or managing school holiday childcare.

atticusclaw · 04/02/2015 08:13

For me it would be a lifestyle choice and a definite luxury. Just the time to keep on top of running the house would be amazing.

RolandRatRocks · 04/02/2015 08:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Minisoksmakehardwork · 04/02/2015 08:16

Nottheop: not everyone has the choice in how many children they have. Planned and accounted for baby number 3 turned out to be twins. And only people who don't have twins use that fabulous 'by one, get one' line. Yes, we may get two babies for the price of one pregnancy. But of course, they still need providing for.

YoullShootYourEyeOut · 04/02/2015 08:18

Staying at home is not a luxury for me any more. I basically can't work due to my dp's variable work hours and the fact we'd lose our top up housing benefit if I had a job. Ds starts school in Sept and I am hoping to get a school hours job, we're not sure how it will affect us financially as I won't be able to get a well paid job. I hate being at home every day, much as I love my kids my life only consists of them and constant housework, I can't afford to take ds out and his nursery hours also make any other activities difficult.

I honestly feel brain dead and need to work! I used to volunteer an evening a week, which I loved, but had to give up because dp's hours changed. So, no staying at home is not a luxury for me, but it is best for the family at the moment.

YoullLikeItNotaLot · 04/02/2015 08:19

It's a luxury to a certain extent. But it's also a risk in terms of stepping off the career ladder, diminishing your future earning power and being dependent on someone else.

I've posted this before but at one point I cleared £200 after childcare/commuting costs. So many people said fucking brash and offensive comments like "i wouldn't miss out on being with my kids for £200 a month" but it was that £200 which kept us solvent and in our home. Now those years of slog have paid off and I'm in a senior, well paid, flexible role.

The flip side to that is the amount of children we had was probably limited by childcare costs. Would we have had more if that wasn't a factor? Maybe. Hard to say.

puddymuddles · 04/02/2015 08:20

Will have 3 DC under five when the next one born in a few months. My salary as a teacher would not cover the childcare costs so would be paying to go back to work! I love being at home anyway and work very part time as a tutor (about 4 hours a week!) with my Mum for (free) childcare.

SolomanDaisy · 04/02/2015 08:23

I think it's choice itself that is the luxury. It's a luxury to earn enough to not have to worry about childcare costs and it's a luxury to have a partner who earns enough for one person to stay at home. Anyone who is forced by their financial situation to stay at home when they would rather work is in a pretty similar situation to someone who is forced to go to work when they would rather stay at home.

atticusclaw · 04/02/2015 08:24

Absolutely right SolomanDaisy

Lucked · 04/02/2015 08:28

Some woman feel obliged to explain why they return to work too, particularly if they go back full time when it isn't financially necessary. We can't win.

Some people see it as a luxury because they would like it for themselves but they can't make it work for their family. I am sure some SaHMs wish that they had a job which paid was enough to cover childcare. Not everyone is happy with their lot.

YoullLikeItNotaLot · 04/02/2015 08:28

Agree Solomon - genuine choice is a luxury.

JackShit · 04/02/2015 08:29

Anyone who has the choice is very fortunate indeed.

You won't get a balanced answer on MN...look how many respondants have high earning partners - it isn't reflective of society on here.

If your DP earns £15K you HAVE to return to work, no choice about it.

So yes, it's a luxury.

valrhona · 04/02/2015 08:50

I think my family were relieved when I went back to work after a 3.5y parental leave after dc2. I never got the balance right and morphed into this strange person who washed and buffed the floors every day, cooked every single meal from scratch etc Hmm Now my sense of order is dissipated through work (good) and there's some left over for home, but not too much (also good). It wasn't a luxury for me, it was exhausting.

Writerwannabe83 · 04/02/2015 08:52

I agree, it would be interesting to know what the salary is off the WOHP in order to accommodate a SAHP.

My DH earns almost £40k but we still need me to work. I know this certainly isn't a huge wage in the eyes of some MN'ers based on their locations but from where we live it's classed as definitely more than average.

I think the decision to have a SAHP isn't always 'easy' just because one parent has a relatively good wage.

I guess it's a case of whether the loss of one salary can be subsidised by the other parent and as has been said I imagine that's only in families where one parent has quite a significant wage.

Our childcare is only £280 a month so far less than what my monthly income is but the fact of the matter is that without my weekly 32.5hr income we couldn't sustain our house.

GoooRooo · 04/02/2015 08:54

For me, to be a SAHM would be a luxury. As it is, I am the main breadwinner and I have to work. I would love to have the choice to raise my children at home (and got a lecture on the train the other day from a bloke in his 50s who told me my children are being raised by other people so that I can have a career and it is unfair on them etc) but we just can't afford it.

RufusTheReindeer · 04/02/2015 09:01

writer

When I stopped working 16 year ago my husband earnt 30k, he got a pay rise just after ds1 was born, we always said that I would be a SAHM if he earnt over 25k

I think that if we ere about to start our family now on the same earnings we would really have to think very hard about me staying at home, maybe we would feel that I needed to go back earlier...maybe we wouldn't have had ds3...don't know

I also agree with those who said they have never had to justify it in RL. I don't justify myself on here either, it's nobody else's business and if anyone makes a decision on what I am like or what my life is like solely on the basis that I am at home....then they are a fucking idiot

tiggytape · 04/02/2015 09:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.