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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU mothers do not have to stay at home?

66 replies

Bluebell84 · 03/02/2015 20:41

whem DS1 was born I went back to work at 6 months, when DS2 was born I went back at 4 months (I was in uni two days a week)

now with DS3 due in July I will take 3 months (while I do my dissertation) and go back. I have my placement to finish by December 2015 and my MSc starting in January.

I have always earned more than hubby, although now with placement he out earns me but when I qualify I would out earn him- i would not be happy to step back but I know many women allow themselves to be dependant on a man

is is selfish to want to progress in your career and not compromise?

are working ambitious mothers worse ?

I had a mother who was smarter than my dad who had to stay at home to raise my brothers and me and she was very resentful, think she felt she could have been the head of her field. when she returned to work management was taken over by people younger than her and she felt very demotivated

is it unreasonable for a woman to want to progress more than the man? has anyone here been the main breadwinner and earned more than DH??

OP posts:

emkana · 03/02/2015 20:43

Do what makes you happy, let others do what makes them happy.

emkana · 03/02/2015 20:43

And don't say hubby :-)

m0therofdragons · 03/02/2015 20:49

Do what you like and don't judge other people's choices. If everyone did that we'd all be a lot happier. Whether mums are working or not we all feel guilty about not being good enough.
Your op title is however wrong. I had twins and childcare was more than I earned by 700 a month. With no tax credits how on earth could I have worked? I now work again and for me being a sahm was really tough although I loved some of it and am glad I spent those precious years with my babies as my baby days are now over. But that is me and my choices. I couldn't sah while dc are at school. I enjoy work and get satisfaction from it. Finding what works for you and your family is what's important.

User434565888 · 03/02/2015 20:50

Do what works for you, just don't judge anyone else for making a different decision.

DH is a high flyer. I could be earning at the same level but would almost never see the kids I've wanted my whole life (both are pre-school). I'm hoping in a few years I can catch up at work, but there's a good chance I won't. There's no perfect decision.

User434565888 · 03/02/2015 20:51

Cross post with Motherofdragons!

itiswhatitiswhatitis · 03/02/2015 20:52

I dunno do what suits you. TBH you sound a little full of yourself. Work, don't work who cares?

ourglass · 03/02/2015 20:53

Do what you want, there's no medals in this world.

Stormingateacup · 03/02/2015 20:55

Do what you want to do and ignore the comments (which you will get regardless of what choice you make).

I could tell you what I think and what I did but will it make any difference to you and, indeed, why should it?

NickyEds · 03/02/2015 20:56

i would not be happy to step back but I know many women allow themselves to be dependant on a man

Erm..... then don't???

are working ambitious mothers worse ?

Than what??

is is selfish to want to progress in your career and not compromise?

I don't think I've heard many people describe career progression as "selfish". No compromise, however, could be.

BigCatFace · 03/02/2015 20:59

Saying women allow themselves to be dependent on a man sounds quite judgmental. I'm going back to work after 6 months when my baby comes and my husband is becoming a SAHD. I don't think of it at all as him "allowing" himself to become dependent on me. We're making choices for our family and I'd be fucked if he decided he wanted to work too!

kewtogetin · 03/02/2015 20:59

You're not unreasonable to want to work or progress in your career, you are however a bit twatty to criticise SAHM's as being 'dependant on a man' so fucking what? I stay at home, a decision we came to together because it's best for our family, not because I was backed into a corner because I'm a woman and therefore didn't have a choice. Who is going to look after your three children when you both work full time?

jellybeans · 03/02/2015 21:00

Every family is different. I am a SAHM of 5. Been at home 16 years and loved it. i tried working ft but hated it. Others love it though and that is great. If you have a choice (either way ) then you are lucky. I am judged by a small number of working mums but ignore them.

Clarinet9 · 03/02/2015 21:01

I don't understand your post TBH
are you calling 2 days of uni a week a job? how can you earn more than your dh (or hubby if you prefer) when you are at Uni or did you do a full-time job at the same time

You do sound very judgemental

for people to be able to progress in their career without compromise they may well be very lucky or just very unlucky (by that I mean either that they have a career and a well paying job and their employer doesn't penalise them for reproducing or they are minimum wage type jobs and need the money to eat) or maybe they are just not maternal?

Maybe they or someone else has health problems, maybe their employer is a bully or won't allow them to progress,

maybe you should consider that not everyone is as blessed as you are whilst you hoik your judgeypants up

KnittedJimmyChoos · 03/02/2015 21:01

I had a mother who was smarter than my dad who had to stay at home to raise my brothers and me and she was very resentful, think she felt she could have been the head of her field

Its sad she felt like this.

I would argue perhaps its better the more intelligent parent is at home, bestowing that on the dc?

Selfish? I dont know, only your children can tell yo that when they are adults and have their own dc!

Lilicat1013 · 03/02/2015 21:01

I think families should do what is best for them, there is no one size fits all and no ideal solution.

I agree with a previous poster though, your title is incorrect some mothers do in fact have to stay at home. I have two boys aged 4 and 2, the eldest is autistic plus a few other additional needs and the youngest has just got a similar diagnosis (same other additional needs as the eldest, autism will likely be added in a few months).

My eldest goes to a special needs school, the youngest will attend a special needs preschool. It is open 9.30-1.30 Tues, Weds and Thurs in term time. There is no other child care so working really isn't an option.

Technically my husband could be a stay at home dad but the many meetings with the services around the child would be difficult for him. He says he doesn't know what to say.

So for me there is no option or choice.

Clarinet9 · 03/02/2015 21:01

oh and to answer your last question
yes

egnahc · 03/02/2015 21:02

I had twins and childcare was more than I earned by 700 a month. With no tax credits how on earth could I have worked?

Childcare is a joint responsibility. Our was more than I earned at 1 point but had I given up then I would have not had the career that I now have. It is wrong to look at 1 salary- you need to look at both.

Psycobabble · 03/02/2015 21:04

I dont get what your actually asking ?

Nolim · 03/02/2015 21:04

There are plenty of women who outearn their partners. It is not selfish to have a career. There is nothing wron with being an ambitious working mum.

I am the primary breadwinner and my dh had to adjust his career path because of mine. And we are perfectly happy with our situation.

Your rant doesnt sound very 21st century tbh. May i ask what is the context here?

m0therofdragons · 03/02/2015 21:05

It is a joint responsibility but dh and I put all our money in one pot so either way one persons full salary would have gone on childcare plus an additional 700 of the other persons salary. It doesn't make financial sense and we couldn't have afforded to live.

m0therofdragons · 03/02/2015 21:07

backinthebox · 03/02/2015 21:08

Oh, well done you for getting back to work so quickly! And for earning more than your hubby It took me ages to get back to work after both my children. It wasn't so much that I was enjoying the laying around at home, eating biscuits and watching daytime TV, but that there are certain physical limitations when you want to breastfeed but your profession is as an airline pilot. My husband (note - not hubby) does earn more than me, but that is because going to work for just 7 or 8 days a month pays for what I want from life outside of work. Life isn't all about work, work, work you know? Given more TIME - something committing myself more to my career is not going to give me - I could achieve so many more things that I do atm. I am very much looking forward to my youngest being at school so that I have lots of time to take part in more sport, hopefully getting back to the level that I used to compete at before children. Working my backside off so that I could prove my worth that way and earn more than my husband doesn't really appeal to me, but if it is what floats your boat don't let me put you off. Do whatever you want to do - and extend the same courtesy to other women.

littlemslazybones · 03/02/2015 21:11

It's up to each family to nut out the practicalities of getting money in and getting shit done. No-one is going to give you a medal for working when you could choose to SAH or visa versa.

But, if I thought for a minute my partner was keeping score of my earnings and had built his identity on earning more than me, as you seem to do with your dh, I'd nail him to the wall have words.

MinceSpy · 03/02/2015 21:11

Why did you become a mother? Three children on you are only at masters level not PhD. Is it just a battle to out do your husband? It's not about out doing husband.

SweetsForMySweet · 03/02/2015 21:11

My first biscuit on Mn!.... You're very deserving of it Op

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