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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU mothers do not have to stay at home?

66 replies

Bluebell84 · 03/02/2015 20:41

whem DS1 was born I went back to work at 6 months, when DS2 was born I went back at 4 months (I was in uni two days a week)

now with DS3 due in July I will take 3 months (while I do my dissertation) and go back. I have my placement to finish by December 2015 and my MSc starting in January.

I have always earned more than hubby, although now with placement he out earns me but when I qualify I would out earn him- i would not be happy to step back but I know many women allow themselves to be dependant on a man

is is selfish to want to progress in your career and not compromise?

are working ambitious mothers worse ?

I had a mother who was smarter than my dad who had to stay at home to raise my brothers and me and she was very resentful, think she felt she could have been the head of her field. when she returned to work management was taken over by people younger than her and she felt very demotivated

is it unreasonable for a woman to want to progress more than the man? has anyone here been the main breadwinner and earned more than DH??

OP posts:

my2centsis · 03/02/2015 21:13

Well this subject hasn't been done to death. Ffs do what you want to do and others will do the same

hmc · 03/02/2015 21:14

Re the SAHMS dependent upon a man, I ^could^ counter that some WOHPs are dependent upon SAHMS whom they are not even married / partnered with- hence my son's friend is dropped around my house early every school morning on the way to work so that I can ferry him to school for them, I also walk the dog belonging to another WOHP friend...

So less of the 'dependent' thing mate!

TwoOddSocks · 03/02/2015 21:18

women who allow themselves to be dependent on a man

This sounds very judgemental. Part of being married for me is that we're both dependent on each other. If either one of us ran off the other would be screwed either financially or in terms of childcare provision.

Mum at home, dad at home, two working parents; There are advantages and disadvantages to whatever set up you choose. For almost everyone I know their choice (whatever it was) is a combination of what is best for the kids and what is best for them (so partly selfish I guess).

By working you get what I assume is a fulfilling career and won't find yourself resenting your lack of employability particularly when the kids become more independent. Your probably see less of your kids than you could if you stayed home but you provide a good model for hard work and you can give them a nicer house, better area, nicer school, more holidays etc than if you stayed hime.

I trust you've weighed up the pros and cons and chosen as best as you can for your family. You should trust that others have done the same.

Flomple · 03/02/2015 21:19

Well yes it is unreasonable to refuse to compromise, and therefore force your partner or children to do so. This applies to men and women.

Studying as an adult puts a lot of strain on time and partner, especially with a young family. I think it has to be a family decision, taken for the greater good of you all, not to 'win' some sort of salary competition.

And your last question is v strange. Of course women sometimes earn more than their partners. But so what? Our relationship is not defined by our salaries.

Optimism · 03/02/2015 21:22

I know many women allow themselves to be dependant on a man

My DH and I depend on each other. To me that's what marriage is about. Yes, he earns the money but we have different roles and we depend equally upon each other. That's what makes our family work for us.

(Oh, and I think you mean dependent rather than dependant.)

jellybeans · 03/02/2015 21:25

Many working parents also are dependant on grandparent care. few people are truly independant. Many dual earners are screwed without both wages.

Scotinoz · 03/02/2015 21:26

I think you're unreasonable to be so scathing of what others deem 'right' for their family setup.

If you're happy to work, great. If you're not happy to be 'dependant' on your husband, fine. It's no big deal either way.

For what it's worth, my husband and I had equally successful careers (we both work in the same professional so it's easy to measure 'sucess'). I'm currently at home with a toddler and one on the way, and will be until they start school. I don't see it as a step down in career, simply a change in direction (a great opportunity and challenge, and I feel really lucky to have the option of staying home). I don't feel 'dependant' on my husband as we see it as a partnership.

Pagwatch · 03/02/2015 21:27

Do what you like

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 03/02/2015 21:32

Each to their own. There is no right or wrong, it's what works for individual families.

And who cares who earns more - in our house all monies go into a joint pot without reference to who earned them.

I stayed home for 10 years and not once did I feel dependent on my husband - we were contributing in different but equal ways to a partnership.

bigbluestars · 03/02/2015 21:35

OP you are undermining the importance of motherhood. Success is not all about cash.

QTPie · 03/02/2015 21:39

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

MsVestibule · 03/02/2015 21:40

Did you write this in 1973 and forget to post it until now ?

TheFriar · 03/02/2015 21:44

I think it's easy to say 'just do what works fir you'

In reality women are made to feel bad and guilty and like they are bad mothers if they don't take a full year if after the birth of their dc, if they don't attend every single one if the school performances/spent stuff etc.
just look at thread on MN and listen to people on the playground etc. it us expected for the mum to be on stand by fir the dcs 'in case they get ill bla bla bla'. It us standard that women go back part time and nit full time to be there for the dcs 'because there is nothing more important'. And here the Op is talking about having a job with responsibilities and to act like most men would do!!!!
I'm not surprised she us wondering if she isn't z bad mother (btw OP, you're NOT a bad mother!).

And then yes of course, if you are a SAHM then you are financially dependent on your DH/DP. In a society that tells us we are supposed to be independent and not rely on anyone (let alone the state if by any chance you end up single or a widow). So yes once again this is an important question. In the society we are living now, is it ok to take that risk???

We all will have an answer to that that will work for us. But the OP is certain NOT unreasonable to ask these questions AND to wonder.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 03/02/2015 21:45

Well you've already progressed in your career after giving birth to your first two children, so I guess you'll have worked out if you're selfish or not selfish by now?

Charlotte3333 · 03/02/2015 21:46

We both work, but I work less hours and left finance to work in a school part time (and do some finance on the side to keep my brain engaged) because DH works away so much that unless we had a nanny, it wouldn't work with us both full-time. Works for us. Wouldn't work for everyone. Do whatever's right for you and OH, but try not to judge what others are doing.

ES has had a rough couple of years and is believed to be on the spectrum somewhere, not severely, just enough for him to require a parent to be available for meetings, appointments and just as a constant as he struggles with disruption to his routines. It works for our family because we've designed it to. Design your life and career to fit yours, not to fit anyone else's expectations/opinions.

SlicedAndDiced · 03/02/2015 21:51

I think dp might have something to say if I asked him why he was planning to allow himself to 'depend' on me

He will be a sahd when I qualify because it will be what is best for our family. It doesn't make him better than working dads or me better than sah mums.

This is 2015 right? Mothers bringing home the bacon is no big deal anymore.

unlucky83 · 03/02/2015 21:51

I'm a SAHM - I have my own money, I own the house we live in outright and I have money in the bank. I (personally) could live on my interest/dividends- I don't need to work - more of a struggle supporting the DCs too, but could be done. (And I would get bored without the DCs)
DP could also afford not to work - he did try early retirement but got bored...some of his wage goes to keep the household - pay for his children...but no way am I financially dependent on him.
I went back FT when DD1 was 3 months -to finish my Phd - which I did - by the time she was school age I realised without a nanny/au pair things could get very difficult, covering holidays, sickness etc ...I felt it wasn't really fair on my employers - so I became a SAHM...and have been since DD2 was born...
Just wondering how old your older DCs are ...do you have a nanny? who takes time off to cover their illnesses/holidays you or your hubby? -or do you do 50:50?

Nothing wrong with doing what you feel happy doing...as long as you don't judge or make sweeping generalisations..and what is the point of your post?
Do you really feel comfortable with your decisions...

TheFriar · 03/02/2015 21:52

Btw having being in the situation where I was seriously thinking about getting divorced, having no work and knowing it would be very hard to go back to my original career after do many years not durning in that field, I have swore to myself I would never be financially dependent on DH.
And I would say that to any other woman because around 50% of marriage end up in a divorce so really putting yourself in that position is a VERY big gamble. Harsh but true.

It doesn't mean that DH and me aren't dependent on each other for a lot if other things. And we are dependent on each other wage in done respect too. But he can stand in his yen two feet just as I can if anything goes wrong (divorce, illness, death etc).
I would see that the same way than taking a car insurance knowing that you WILL use it at some point in your life b

anothernumberone · 03/02/2015 21:53

I am dependant on a man. I earn more than he does but I depend on him emotionally and we would be rightly fecked financially if either of us lost our job. I really don't understand your post.

mooth · 03/02/2015 21:53

Oh FFS do what you want. Women have been banging on about this for years.

tellmemore1982 · 03/02/2015 21:57

Why are there so many of these threads at the moment (I'm a regular but nc recently)? They're becoming quite repetitive.

Personally I find it difficult to work out whether the OPs are looking for a pat on the back or a row.

Lepaskilf · 03/02/2015 22:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

isthisjustfantasy · 03/02/2015 22:08

If you are happy with your decision and it suits your family then good for you but I enjoy being a SAHM and it's the right thing for my family. What's the purpose of your post? Sounds a bit goady to me.

violetwellies · 03/02/2015 22:10

Someone has to do the mothering Shite, that stuff that you're not doing if you return to work, so your DP, nanny, some random at nursery SOMEONE has to do it.
TBH I can't see the point in having children if at least one parent isn't going to be looking after their child and the child's most important relationship will be with the hired help.
Notwithstanding keeping the wolf from the door.
I'm not going to give you a hard time about it though.

LaLaLaaaa · 03/02/2015 22:11

I'm looking forward to putting my career on hold for a bit when I have my first child. I earn more than my dh and I'm more ambitious but I am choosing to stay home with my baby.

I have savings but yes I will effectively depend on him for paying a few of the bills for a year.

But...won't he be depending on me to take care of our child? It's a partnership after all.

I'll resume my career when I'm ready and I feel it's right time. No one else's business when or why.

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